Well, it's been pretty quiet since my elated post almost a week ago. I just remembered that I should be doing something every single day, so that shouldn't have been the case.
I'm now pretty sure that I won't again see the girl that was the topic of the last blog entry (first third-date). I liked her a lot, but I called her a few days later, and got the impression that she is no longer interested (she didn't accept the fourth date I proposed; she said she would think about it and let me know, but I haven't heard from her in 3 days).
Really, including dating as a tool for gaining social experience can be quite dangerous. When you meet someone you really like, you become very vulnerable to the strongest of human emotions (or at least I do!). This is bad news since, frankly, the initial paucity of social skills and experience is likely to prevent you from getting as far as a relationship on the first several tries (an interesting observation is that some shy people are actually married! So there's always hope nevertheless). The last few days, I had a really tough time accepting that I probably wouldn't get to see this girl again. But I'm probably worse at dealing with those things than anyone. I'm doing pretty well so far today.
So yeah, I'm on the mend. One of the things I realized after countless hours of rumination about the last girl I dated was this: I want to get good at this stuff. Really good at it. If I ever meet Miss Right, I want to have a fair shot at her!
But I need to learn to walk before I can run. I still don't have any new friends - all of my platonics from craig's list dropped off. Probably because they were all female, and really had something more in mind than just friendship. Making male friends on craig's list just isn't workable, so...time for Plan B!
If I actually had a group of close friends, the mission would be darn near complete. So I need to start putting some serious effort into that.
So now I am trying meetup.com. I registered for a Professionals in the City meetup. It turns out, this site has a TON of super fun meetings! It sounds great, because regardless of how the social stuff goes, you'll at least have fun. My first event is skeet shooting. Great...kill three birds with one stone:
1) A new hobby, making me a more interesting person and giving me more things to talk about, and possibly do, with anyone.
2) Have fun
3) Hopefully make some new friends!
I am going to make a real effort to connect at this one. Certainly the other people going are also interested in making friends, since they're doing a meetup from the Internet. And the activity will provide plenty of conversation fodder. Plus, it will provide immediate common ground for meeting up with the same people more than once - perhaps regularly - and this is essential.
Sounds perfect! I will let you know how it goes on Sunday.
Plus, I made another first-date for Sunday, in order to keep honing my 1-on-1 skills. The things I've identified that I need to work on bigtime are:
1) Keeping my voice eloquent
2) Talking about myself smoothly
3) Telling stories (can't do this AT ALL yet!)
And skills I am good with and want to hone to mastery are:
1) Humor. I've been kicking butt getting past Inhibition with the last plan I described. Add a little more relaxation in the mix, and my natural humor should flow.
2) Keeping the conversation going with active listening and asking open-ended and other questions.
3) Having fun, interesting conversation topics. I will post some more stuff in the blog later that actually worked in practice. In fact, I will try to post everything that ever works in practice!
And so it continues. After 7 dates and 3 platonic meetings, I can say with certainty that I'm making progress. It's a long, sometimes hard road, but nothing could be more worthwhile.
There are enough readers that I should be meeting a couple of you at some meetup.com events, assuming that turns out to be a good tool! Talk to you later.
I'm now pretty sure that I won't again see the girl that was the topic of the last blog entry (first third-date). I liked her a lot, but I called her a few days later, and got the impression that she is no longer interested (she didn't accept the fourth date I proposed; she said she would think about it and let me know, but I haven't heard from her in 3 days).
Really, including dating as a tool for gaining social experience can be quite dangerous. When you meet someone you really like, you become very vulnerable to the strongest of human emotions (or at least I do!). This is bad news since, frankly, the initial paucity of social skills and experience is likely to prevent you from getting as far as a relationship on the first several tries (an interesting observation is that some shy people are actually married! So there's always hope nevertheless). The last few days, I had a really tough time accepting that I probably wouldn't get to see this girl again. But I'm probably worse at dealing with those things than anyone. I'm doing pretty well so far today.
So yeah, I'm on the mend. One of the things I realized after countless hours of rumination about the last girl I dated was this: I want to get good at this stuff. Really good at it. If I ever meet Miss Right, I want to have a fair shot at her!
But I need to learn to walk before I can run. I still don't have any new friends - all of my platonics from craig's list dropped off. Probably because they were all female, and really had something more in mind than just friendship. Making male friends on craig's list just isn't workable, so...time for Plan B!
If I actually had a group of close friends, the mission would be darn near complete. So I need to start putting some serious effort into that.
So now I am trying meetup.com. I registered for a Professionals in the City meetup. It turns out, this site has a TON of super fun meetings! It sounds great, because regardless of how the social stuff goes, you'll at least have fun. My first event is skeet shooting. Great...kill three birds with one stone:
1) A new hobby, making me a more interesting person and giving me more things to talk about, and possibly do, with anyone.
2) Have fun
3) Hopefully make some new friends!
I am going to make a real effort to connect at this one. Certainly the other people going are also interested in making friends, since they're doing a meetup from the Internet. And the activity will provide plenty of conversation fodder. Plus, it will provide immediate common ground for meeting up with the same people more than once - perhaps regularly - and this is essential.
Sounds perfect! I will let you know how it goes on Sunday.
Plus, I made another first-date for Sunday, in order to keep honing my 1-on-1 skills. The things I've identified that I need to work on bigtime are:
1) Keeping my voice eloquent
2) Talking about myself smoothly
3) Telling stories (can't do this AT ALL yet!)
And skills I am good with and want to hone to mastery are:
1) Humor. I've been kicking butt getting past Inhibition with the last plan I described. Add a little more relaxation in the mix, and my natural humor should flow.
2) Keeping the conversation going with active listening and asking open-ended and other questions.
3) Having fun, interesting conversation topics. I will post some more stuff in the blog later that actually worked in practice. In fact, I will try to post everything that ever works in practice!
And so it continues. After 7 dates and 3 platonic meetings, I can say with certainty that I'm making progress. It's a long, sometimes hard road, but nothing could be more worthwhile.
There are enough readers that I should be meeting a couple of you at some meetup.com events, assuming that turns out to be a good tool! Talk to you later.
2 comments:
I´ve re-read several times your post and still don't get it. Fine about the part that involves making new friends through trying new hobbies, but the thing about not seeing THE GIRL anymore... Why the heck? Nobody, even her, can't help having certain feelings. If the reason is that, fear of loving because it implies suffering, I have to tell you is quite a bad reason. I mean, it sucks. You know Jodorowski? Well, you don't have to. But he said something that keeps echoing in my head: that if you have to choose between acting or remain still, you better do the first, because at least you will gain knowledge about it, whether you succeed or not. Plus, what if the girl has exactly the same feeling? You two would be playing the fool, sadly.
Hey! I apologize for the confusion on that. I was trying to avoid going into detail about THE GIRL, so as not to torment myself about it.
What I meant to say was, I don't think she is interested anymore!! I called her up 3 days later and asked her out again.
It was Tuesday night, and I asked her if she would be free on Sunday morning. She thought about it for a moment, and said yeah, she should be free. Then I asked if she wanted to go horseback riding, which she had said on our third date that she'd love to do.
Well, she said she wasn't sure - she said it sounded like fun, but that she would think about it, and let me know, because she wanted to study for the GRE over the weekend.
From her response, my impression was that she's no longer interested. Why? Because she doesn't even have a specific date set for that test she is supposedly going to be studying for. And it's been 3 days and she hasn't gotten back to me at all.
So yeah, I would LOVE to see her again...this is definitely not me afraid of risking my feelings. You know me, I'll try anything! I just think she's not interested anymore...I guess I blew this one somehow (despite her kissing me, and answering the phone when I called her again?).
Maybe she'll get back to me with a clean break...a Friends Speech...or maybe she will never contact me again. Maybe somewhere inbetween.
Or maybe I'm wrong about her. I sure hope so. I'll let you know what happens.
And thanks for the comment - they're always great for moral support, and I'll modify the post to clarify that point where I confused you =)
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