Confidence: Righting the Ship

I've been at this thing 11 months. I've made lots of progress, but I'm still too far from where I need to be. My efforts have been enormous, but something has been missing. Lately, it has seemed as if I could just figure out this one key thing, I could finally finish what I started.

Today, I believe I have finally found that missing piece to the puzzle. I came to it after a few rough days.

A few rough days, you ask?

I was elated when I wrote a week ago, but as is often the case, I hit some bumps in the road soon afterwards. I thought I'd finally gotten myself a second date, but the girl cancelled on me only a few hours before I was supposed to pick her up on Sunday. Then I texted "Jill" from the last post - the one who just couldn't wait to e-mail me after our Starbucks date - and she stopped responding after I proposed another date.

So of course, all that got me down. I sat at work thinking how bipolar this blog has been:

Elation.

Depression.

Joy.

Sadness....

I was going to write about how terrible it was that things kept turning out wrong even when they seemed perfect. I was going to lament! But instead, I revisited some web material that I'd discovered a few weeks ago. It was so fascinating and so relevant that I'd actually linked to it in the last post, but ended up deleting it. I've always been steadfast about not posting links to potentially helpful material until I've actually tried it out and used it successfully. I figure there are thousands of sites about shyness that have advice that sounds good, but ends up not helping, so I want to filter it out for you.

But this time, I've found something I truly believe in. Something that I was able to validate by mentally reviewing the vast experiences I've had over the last 11 months.

It's confidence.

Yes, confidence.

If you're unsurprised by this revelation, I don't blame you. I've mentioned confidence many times, and I've even written two blog entries entitled with that very word. Heck....if you look in a dictionary, you'll find that "Lacking self-confidence" is one of the first definitions of the word shyness.

With that said, I haven't placed merely enough importance on the subject. But now, I have come to the conclusion that confidence is the key. It's been right in front of us this whole time.

Confidence: Freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities.

Confidence is a tremendous resource. Here are some important things I realized:

Confidence is the cure for anxiety. My "mission" is often painful because of the feelings of anxiety I have in the days and hours leading up to a social activity. It's now clear that the cause of the anxiety is actually a lack of confidence. Given the definition above, can you think of a single time in your life that you were completely confident, and yet felt anxious? Nervous? Worried?

Confidence improves performance. When it comes to social activities (or anything else, for that matter), confidence improves our performance: Lack of confidence causes anxiety; anxiety causes nervousness, and nervousness prevents us from being ourselves, leading to social failures like the many I've documented in this blog.

And thus, if I could only be confident, all of my experiences would 1) be much more pleasant, without the accompanying anxiety, and 2) would be much more successful, since I could be myself.

The gravity of these realizations prompted me to mentally review my many experiences since starting the mission. They easily confirmed my suspicion - I had, in fact, not been confident most of the time. Here are some recent examples.

• Driving home from work yesterday, I started thinking about the unanswered text I'd sent to "Jill." I started thinking how even when things seemed perfect, they still ended up going poorly. I thought about how many failed dates I've been on the past 11 months, and I started to ask myself: why couldn't this failure go on for yet another year? What if it did? These were not confident thoughts.
  

• On eHarmony, I'm communicating with a very attractive young woman who included experience with sex on her list of "Must Haves," and who chose a question asking about my past relationships. Since I obviously have no relationship experience, while she probably has a great deal, my anxiety was so great that I began to feel it surge, like the fight-or-flight reaction, just viewing her profile. My mind automatically filled with negative thoughts. I even considered closing the match, being too afraid to even try meeting her. I briefly thought about how poorly it could go. I wondered if I would be attractive enough for her. I thought about how I'm not good at telling stories, and wondered how she could find me funny. I could go on and on, but clearly, these were not confident thoughts.

• On eHarmony, I'm also communicating with a very sweet, innocent-type girl. She's the opposite of the above person. She's seeking someone who's traditional and reserved sexually, and said that she wants to meet someone she can just get to know first. I looked at her picture last night, and automatically thought how beautiful and sweet she was. But then, I immediately started thinking and feeling as if being so genuinely interested in her would somehow jinx things, preventing them from going well. I started telling myself not to get my hopes up. Before even meeting her, I was already telling myself that it would be okay even if it went badly, because I would be able to meet many more girls after her. I could go on, but clearly, these were not confident thoughts.

From these typical examples, it's easy to see that my lack of confidence involves thought. But which came first? Did the lack of confidence cause the negative thinking? Or did the negative thoughts result in my lacking confidence?

I've figured out that there is a sort of feedback loop between the two. Sometimes, a situation or thought immediately triggers a feeling of anxiety in my body, without any conscious thought on my part. I figure it's a result of my past negative experiences with the social stuff - some sort of conditioning. Next, since I have the feeling of anxiety associated with such negative experiences, I begin to think that there are problems, even though no problem actually exists. And since I start to think that there are problems - usually major ones - I naturally begin to feel more anxious. The vicious cycle is complete. Other times, the cycle starts out with the negative thought, but the situation is obviously no better.

The end result? Actually having a problem - anxiety and nervousness - that prevents me from being myself, resulting in failure.

Now, before this entry becomes any more Zen-like and abstract, I want to give some examples of the few times during the mission where I was confident, so that we can all see how big of a difference it makes:

• I've made one new friend in the past 11 months. Since I wasn't romantically interested in her, whether or not she liked me was no big deal starting out. I didn't place much importance on it, so I had no basis for the negative thoughts or anxiety that usually kick- start the Vicious Cycle. Without that cycle, I feel confident every time I'm with her. With that confidence, I'm completely myself around her, and can dance, sing, even cheer wildly in public, and do whatever else I want to do.
  

• I had one friend before I started the mission. Since we've been friends for so long, there's no possibility of rejection, and thus no basis for the negative thoughts or anxiety that usually kick-start the Vicious Cycle. Even when I'm feeling anxious thinking about an upcoming date, I'm immediately relaxed, comfortable, and myself when I speak to him.

• Once, with a girl from eHarmony I'd been e-mailing, I tried an experiment. I decided to be confident (in fact, somewhat arrogant) in every e-mail or text message I sent her before we met. When the time to finally meet her came near, I decided to try to continue to take on that very same persona once we were together, in the flesh. When we met, I projected my voice during my initial few sentences, making it sound confident. I felt more confident and more relaxed as the conversation went on. I had no trouble thinking of things to say, and teased her repeatedly. There was no inhibition.

• Date #16 was the start of something. My date called me to ask for help finding the Starbucks a few minutes before we were supposed to meet up. Without giving myself a chance to first think, I answered the phone, projected my voice, and felt confident. Once I saw her in the flesh, this continued. She had a bit of a foreign accent, and was very shy with me during our conversation. Since I didn't feel worried that my speech would come across as somehow inferior to hers, my confidence increased. Since she was the one acting nervous with me, the risk of rejection seemed not to exist, so I felt more confident. The feeling never went away - she might have been my first girlfriend, except that I had to end it after 4 dates.
  

To review: there is more than enough evidence in the blog to convince us that we'll be much more successful if we're confident, and much less so if we're not. All that remains is to figure out how to be confident.

In my last post, I said that it seemed the only way to achieve confidence is to actually have some successes on which to base that confidence. I now realize that I was only half right about that. It definitely helps to have that basis for feeling confident, but prior successes actually aren't necessary (!). I'm starting to discover techniques that I combine to be even more confident.

This is where Steve Pavlina comes in. I discovered his site some time ago, but only in the past week I have begun to look at some of the articles. There is some truly amazing stuff there. Stuff beyond the scope of this post, and way beyond even the scope of this blog. Stuff that might amaze you, and could dramatically change your life in ways you never conceived. I encourage you to check it out with an open mind, but right now, I just want you to listen to his simple podcast about building confidence.

Steve gives four techniques. I'll summarize the ones that I'm going to try, because I found them to be true in reviewing my experiences with the mission.

#1: Visualization
Steve says that there is a "visualization recipe" for feeling confident, and a different visualization recipe for feeling self-doubt. The recipe for feeling self-doubt is to imagine yourself doing well, but also to imagine yourself doing poorly. In other words, you feed your brain mixed messages, and as a result, you simply lack confidence as a natural side-effect.

As simple as this is, it's a very big deal. I certainly have worked on imagining dates and other social activities going well, but I also allowed myself to see the same upcoming events going poorly. For example, before any first date, I have almost always tried to reassure myself that if it didn't work out, it would be fine because it was early on in the mission, or because I'd meet another girl, or something like that. I thought this would take off the pressure, but in fact, I was doing myself a disservice. I cannot allow myself to have thoughts like that - let alone intentionally create them - because recognizing the possibility of failure along with the possibility of success is the visualization recipe for feeling self-doubt. No matter what, I need to only allow myself to think about positive outcomes. Steve says it takes self-discipline and a "mental diet" to restrict yourself to positive thoughts. When thinking about things going well, it should also help to replace uncertain words like "hopefully," "probably," and "maybe" with confident words like "absolutely" and "definitely."

"She's definitely going to love me!"

#2: Speak Confidently
The idea here is that by speaking confidently (i.e., forcing your voice to sound confident even if you're not necessarily feeling confident), you can actually start to feel the way you sound. It's basically working in reverse, and it works. Looking through the old posts, you'll find that many of my successful dates had something in common. After most of them, I made some comment in the post about my voice sounding confident. On numerous successful dates and phone calls, I intentionally projected my voice when I spoke my first words. Hearing myself sound so good made me feel reassured, and feelings of confidence arose and grew as the meeting or phone call went on. Simple, but it works. (I wish you could hear what I'm talking about, but there is an incredible difference between times when my voice sounds bad the way I complain about, and the times it sounds confident. It's like I'm a different person.)

#3: Move Confidently
None of my experiences come to mind to back this up, so maybe I haven't personally had an issue with it. Just like #2, but walk and move confidently. Stand up tall, take deep breaths, and smile.

#4: Use external stimuli to trigger feelings of confidence
For example, listening to music that pumps you up emotionally. I've experienced this, but I'm just going to focus on techniques #1 and #2 for now.

None of this is going to be easy. It's going to take an enormous amount of practice, but since it's mostly mental, building confidence is something I can work on every moment of every day. I believe it will help me to finally right the ship so that in 2009, I will be able to say that I figured out how to beat shyness, and managed to do it. And of course, I'll keep working on figuring out the other pieces to the puzzle as well.

One implication of my new positive thinking regimen is that this blog isn't going to be as bipolar anymore. There won't be any more heartbroken posts where I lament the difficulty of all this. "Jill" came back to life, made a date with me, and then broke it a few hours before we were supposed to hang out - just like the other girl I mentioned! So, there was really no trifecta at all. It turned out to be something more like a monofecta, but I'm not depressed this time, and I've already moved on. I'm communicating with perhaps the most promising group of women ever right now, so expect lots of date entries. But fear not! Things are going so great that I actually have lots of other stuff to write about as well. On Sunday I'm meeting a very sweet girl who found me on hotornot.com - it'll be the first meeting from that site, and it will be good (I'm pretty sure we're meeting up as friends - not a date!). And I'll be writing about the acting class every week, because it is amazing.

The Trifecta: A New Milestone

Hey Jack, Just wanted to say hi. Hopefully you made it home safely before the tsunami hit last night haha.

Jill

With the names changed to protect the innocent, that e-mail completed The Trifecta. I went on 3 dates in six days, and each new acquaintance gave me unequivocal confirmation that she was still interested in me. Confirmation that, after spending an hour talking to me in person, she liked me, and wanted to see me again.
At last, I'm making clear, consistent progress. It took two dates to shake off the rust after that six-week lull, but now I'm back and doing as well as ever.

Date #32 was like most of the others. We met up at Starbucks, and I started out asking how her day was. A young woman and a frappuccino in front of me, a few conversation topics in mind.....you know the drill.

I noticed a few things this time. First of all, I was like an oiled machine during much of the conversation. When she asked me questions that I've heard and answered on many dates before, I didn't have to think to respond. It was smooth. The reason for this is obvious, yet frightening: experience. Being able to "smoothly" answer questions during a friendly conversation is nothing most people would even think twice about. But most people are different. They grew up having countless conversations, every day of their lives. With the exception of talking to my family, I spent my childhood in virtual silence. Yep - I'm still developing social skills that I should have had 15 years ago.

I felt confident and relaxed only moments after meeting her. Things were going just fine, and I could tell that she liked me. Unlike some of my dates, she asked me plenty of questions, rather than allowing me to become a virtual interviewer. I wasn't perfect - for example, I couldn't properly translate a few jokes I had in mind into words - but the conversation was definitely normal, and definitely good.

After about an hour, I told her I'd better head back and get some food (my delivery of this statement was dramatically smoother than it was three dates ago). We walked outside. She said, "Well it was very nice meeting you." I said "you too" and, for a change, added "Talk to you later." She said to have a good night.

Confidence

Once again, my confidence started to grow after meeting this last date. I feel as if there is no possible way she could lose interest in me. As if there is no way I can fail - I'll be seeing her as long as I please. It might seem like any of us could speak any such words to ourselves and feel more confident, but I've learned that just doesn't work. There's a big difference between saying words and actually believing something. I think the only way to actually feel confident - the key to overcoming shyness - is to build it up by having real success like I'm experiencing right now.

If you've even skimmed the titles of my blog entries, you know that I've actually had more bad experiences than good ones. How, then, do I build confidence with the memories of such dreadful days and nights? Right now, my plan is Focus. I intend to simply focus on the positive. If something negative pops into my mind, I let the thought pass, without fighting it; without dwelling on it. I shift my focus back to the very real, positive successes that I've had and continue to have. I move forward.

Up next: the first second-dates in 2 1/2 months. And then? I'm taking an acting class! 3 hours every Tuesday night. Lucky for all of us, I'll have something to write about other than dating.

Sometimes you're the statue, sometimes you're the pigeon

Sometimes you're the statue, sometimes you're the pigeon.

That phrase sums up the last couple days of my mission.

Sunday evening, I sent another text message to the last young lady I'd met up with for a first date. It had been only my second date back in action after a tremendous six-week lull. I was still shaking off the rust with her at Starbucks that day, but I thought it'd gone well enough for her to be interested. She said she already had plans when I texted her (my new strategy after getting nervous on the voice-phone and blowing a chance with a girl after what seemed like a great first date), but I was skeptical. This time, she didn't respond at all, and that was the end of that.

As usual, I was the statue.

Yesterday, things were different. I was all set for my 31st date. My confidence level was finally high again, since I'd been on an extremely successful date only a few days prior.

Date #31 started out with a little confusion. I sat waiting at Starbucks for about 10 minutes after our set meeting time, getting a little nervous, wondering where my date was. We'd talked a lot through eHarmony, where'd she'd shown great interest, so I knew she wouldn't miss out on a chance to meet me. I texted her, asking if I had the right Starbucks, and it turned out she was on the other side of town.

It was actually good news. In the past, I'd always started out on the right foot, sounding and feeling good when I had to talk to my dates on the phone only minutes before the meeting. I'm not sure why; perhaps it's because I jump into it and dial the number without thinking. Or maybe it's more because the reason for the phone call is usually confusion or lateness that's my date's fault, making me feel feel more at ease with myself.

After she drove to another Starbucks and didn't find me there, I used my trusty navigation system to drive across town to finally meet her.

I read somewhere that a man knows within the first two minutes of a first date whether or not he wants a second. It doesn't even take me that long. She was sitting outside when I drove by the coffee shop, and I already knew I wouldn't be interested.

This time, I was the pigeon.

She was nervous, and as awkward as I usually am, from the get-go. She put out her hand to shake mine, but I gave her a hug instead. I kept conversation going for most of about 5 solid minutes while we waited for our drinks to be made. I was pretty comfortable - in fact, I even made a slightly humorous comment to the barista.

We then found a seat outside, and talked for about an hour. She said that she was a little nervous, and started out by telling me her reasons for joining eHarmony, and asking if I'd ever "done this before." I tried to avoid the question. "Done what?" She said met up with someone from the Internet for a date, and I just said yes. Then she asked how many times. Uh-oh! What you and I know - that I do this all the time - was not something she should know. Lying and saying "once" was much better than giving the honest answer of "over 20," so that's exactly what I did.

I was employing one of my newest strategies, in which I keep 4-5 specific conversation topics in mind instead of trying to remember all 20-30 from my list. Yesterday, one of them was her music career - something that's a big part of her life, but that I didn't have a whole lot to say about. It resulted in her doing a lot of talking about it (she talks a lot when she's nervous), and with me doing little but turning it into an interview-style meeting for much of the time. I wasn't feeling very engaged, and I started thinking about refining my strategy to choose only topics that I would have plenty to comment on.

I had plenty of time to think while she was talking, and decided that I should change the topic to something unimportant, but that I could talk about myself. I asked about a TV show, and some stuff like that. It then started going better, and we actually began to interact a bit. But soon afterwards, it was time to call it quits, so I told her I'd better head home and get some dinner.

And so, it was time for the Famous Last Words of the date.

She said, "Maybe we can, I don't know, meet up again sometime or something."

I said alright, and that I'd talk to her later. But the truth of the matter is, I knew it wouldn't work out. I didn't feel much of a connection, but that didn't matter - I'd certainly be willing to give that a chance, except one thing: I felt zero physical attraction. This was a blind date, and she didn't look the way I expected based on her eHarmony photos. I figured physical attraction would ultimately be a requirement, so going out with her again for practice, or for any other reason, would be worse than the alternative.

She sent me a text less than 15 minutes after I left.

"Hope i didnt completely bore ya! i was a little nervous and not really myself. you seem like a really sweet guy ;)"

I know as well as anyone in this world what it's like to be nervous and not yourself, but without attraction, there isn't much I can do for her. I texted back that she didn't bore me at all and that it was nice talking to her, but she'll have to go through the disappointment you've seen me experience so many times this past year.

The good news, of course, is that I've just been successful twice in a row. People like me! And I'm feeling pretty confident.

Any typos in this post can be blamed on the fact that my time is short - I have to go prepare for tomorrow's Date #32.

30th Try's a Charm

Things are back to full-speed. In fact, there's as much going on now as there ever has been. I've now completely recovered from my terrible performance in the first date after a six-week lull. I sent that girl a text, but she ignored it. As bad as the date was, I really needed it to shake off the rust. The next date was definitely better, but I can't be sure whether or not my new acquaintance was interested - I sent her a text asking her to have dinner, but she took a day to respond, then asked if we could do it another time because she had plans. That didn't bother me at all, because I have tons of irons in the fire right now. I met one of those irons today at Starbucks, for my 30th date:

I'd been feeling as relaxed as ever about this one. I e-mailed myself a brief list of conversation topics to look over at work, but I didn't think much about the upcoming event. I felt little to no anxiety about it. The fact that I had already done the whole first-date thing twice in about the last week, combined with the fact that I only had a moderate level of interest in the girl, made the whole thing feel as if it were no big deal. Would this relaxed feeling persist into the date?

She gave me a call while I was on the way. I answered and spoke, with my voice sounding just fine. I was at ease.

I continued not to think much about it. I called her when I arrived - I was still fine - and then I met her as she was walking towards me. I said hey, hugged her, and asked her if she'd found any good deals at the shoe store she was leaving. This time, I wasn't having any trouble thinking of things to say. I asked her which shoe store it was; I made a humorous comment about the Payless store on the other side of the shopping center; asked how her day was, and other stuff like that.

The conversation continued unusually smoothly as the date moved to its standard Starbucks location. I didn't really need the conversation topics I'd memorized (although they helped), because my date was asking me questions, talking a lot, and generally just helping me out. But there was something even more interesting going on: this girl really, really liked me.

She asked why I chose Starbucks. She said that Starbucks makes half of their business off people who go there for first-dates, and that a lot of people just "get rid" of their dates there - no second-date. In other words, she was referring to the one-and-done failed relationships that I've experienced about 15 times at Starbucks this year. The irony!

Throughout our conversation, she kept referring to the future. I asked about her college, and she suggested showing me the campus. We talked about basketball, and she mentioned playing against me one day. When she mentioned a computer problem from months ago, she said it was too bad she didn't know me then. Yep -- even her references to the past had the implication of us being together.

After about an hour (I'm always aiming for 45 minutes, but don't want to look at my watch), I said I'd better go get dinner, and let her go home and get some sleep. But she wasn't ready to let me leave! She started some more conversation. Several topics, including my last name. She then asked if I was having a good time - I just said yeah, and she got some more conversation going. After about 10 minutes, I asked if she was ready to head out. She obviously wasn't, but she did say "that's cool" this time.

I walked her out. I always tell you my date's last words....what does a girl say who is completely and undeniably interested?

She said "Thanks, and I hope you'll want to hang out again."

No mysteries there.

I told her to have fun fishing tomorrow, and she said she'd probably tell me all about it.

I think it's safe to say this one was a success.

Confidence 2008

I went on my 29th date Wednesday. Another first-date with a girl I'd met online (this time, at match.com), at another Starbucks.

I feel as if the huge six-week gap between dates was responsible for the poor performance I wrote about last time. In fact, it was a lot like starting over - not much better than the first date I went on in August! But maybe that's okay. I improved after that one, and experienced my first success 3 dates later. Hopefully this time, it wouldn't take so long to improve. And hopefully after this, I won't experience any more social lulls, and can stay comfortable onward through the rest of my years.

Back to date #29:

She was interesting - unlike anyone I've met so far. She started out by telling me that she was nervous, because she "isn't good at the first-date thing." Of course, that was fine by me! I always feel a lot less anxious after I've met the person and we've talked for a few moments, but her disclaimer put me even more at ease than usual.

She's about the sweetest girl you could imagine. She spoke slowly, pausing to think about things throughout the conversation. That, too, made me even more relaxed. I was a little off (a little bit of "voice thing" for those who remember that beast, and other stuff like that), but it was a lot better than last Sunday's date. This time, I'd gone into the date determined, no matter what, to remember 4 specific topics, for which recalling the subtopics was easy. I figured this way I could avoid any awkward silences in the conversation. I planned to fall back on the four topics (The Office tv show, food, phobias, and her dream of owning a boutique one day) only when the conversation stalled, but I ended up using all but one pretty early on.

It was going well enough that I started to feel as if I would definitely be seeing her again, if I wished. This was great, except for the fact that I became mentally distracted trying to estimate whether 45 minutes had passed so that I could end the date. When she apologized for doing most of the talking (she was, and this was fine by me!), I said "I'd actually better head back, I guess." It had been about an hour. I was able to smoothly end the conversation by asking about her weekend plans. She told me she was going to hug me; then she did so, and wished me good luck with my weekend football.

I feel like this girl is the easiest person to talk to that I've gone on a date with. She seems so easy to talk to that I'm actually planning to have dinner with her next week. I usually choose an activity like laser tag where minimal talking is required, but with her, I feel confident enough to handle an evening of conversation.

And more confident now, I am. I now have as many people to meet in person as I do free days in my week. It helps a lot knowing that if something doesn't work out, there's another opportunity right around the corner. My goal is to keep up this level of activity over the next six weeks, and build on my confidence.

Confidence is, perhaps, about half the battle. I've found that trying to psyche myself into feeling confident doesn't work. It seems the only way to gain it is to actually be successful with this social stuff.

Some interesting side notes:

Having friends is incredible. Thanks to this Mission of mine, I'm doing things now that I never did before: some things just don't fly solo. Last night I went to some bars and clubs with the friend I always mention, who I met when I started out last summer. With her, as I always say, I feel completely relaxed and confident - I'm just myself. In fact, it's a little crazy:

I'm the guy who's written 90 posts about a mission to overcome shyness. And yet, last night, I was at times able to be a lot wilder than the dozens of young people drinking alcohol (I've never had a drink) in the city. I danced when no one else was dancing. When everyone else was quiet, I yelled in jest "I LOVE YOU!!" at the Dave Matthews tribute band that was performing.

What if I could be that uninhibited all the time?

Pulse: Date #28

April 3rd - May 18th. It lasted an unbelievable six weeks, but the Grand Lull has finally come to an end.

First off, this hasn't been a case of me doing absolutely nothing for six weeks. I've been doing a lot more talking at work the last couple weeks, mainly because it's finally been needed for me to do my job. And last Thursday at lunch, I actually fell into being myself for a bit, having a lighthearted 1-on-1 debate with one of my coworkers (Windows versus Linux - computer geek stuff!).

Also, I've stuck with the football team I joined, which is in a social league. Most weeks have been pretty good, but last Saturday was very mixed. I was good sometimes, and unbelievably bad at others. We had a cookout after the games, and one of my female teammates asked me some questions about myself. Somehow, I forgot to elaborate (one of the several topics that will be in the Master Plan entry when I finally get around to updating it), and gave some one-word answers. It was pretty bad - to the extent that she jokingly said, "You're a man of few words!" When she asked me what I do on weekends, I totally drew a blank.

"Lots of different stuff..."
"Like what?"
"....."

Then I said movies, and stuff like that. It was strange, because I actually do a lot of interesting things on weekends - at least since I started this mission of mine. I ride horses every week, I've shot skeet, I've done rock climbing, I've taken dates to dinner theaters, played laser tag, tried unusual restaurants, gone to great concerts, visited a psychic... I took a hip-hop dance class, fooled around with golf...all kinds of stuff! But when she asked, none of it came to mind. Baffling!

The truth of the matter is, I was under some stress that day. Completely unrelated to this mission of mine, I was being affected by some of the rough parts of life that everyone has to go through. Not directly affecting me, this time, but being enough to have me feeling down and a little stressed. I figure that contributed to me temporarily reverting to my pre-mission level of social futility during that conversation.

That was Saturday, and I had a date planned for Sunday. Needless to say, I found the incident very alarming. I was quite interested in this next girl I'd be meeting, and I didn't want to crash and burn in another terrible date like the first ones when this all began. After six weeks, would I be horribly rusty? Would it be like starting all over again? Like back in August?

I decided to be pro-active and learn from the experience, and planned to go home and write out a list of things about myself so that they might come to mind when I was asked another question. I figured it'd be the opposite of my conversation topics list - a list of answers instead of questions.

When we were standing around, I made it a point to go up to one of my male teammates and start a conversation. And I did! We talked about sports for around 10 minutes, and I made it a point to interject some things about myself instead of just asking questions. One of the things I've learned in this group and in general is that most people don't seem to be used to the concept of needing to ask questions to get you to talk about yourself. If I don't interject such information on my own, the conversation usually turns into me mostly just asking questions.

And so came Sunday.

As luck would have it, I lost my internet access Saturday night. I couldn't review my date's eHarmony profile, nor could I review our e-mail conversations or my general list of conversation topics. I gathered most of it from memory and notes on my PC, but still - come time for the date, I still felt quite stressed from lack of sleep, trepidation about being rusty, and the depressing-part-of-life I'd been experiencing. But realizing as clearly as ever that my own time on earth is quite limited, I was determined to go through with resuming my mission.

And at last, she appeared at Starbucks - my 19th first-date from the Internet. I did the usual - said hello, asked a question about coffee, and asked how her weekend was going. As always, I felt less anxious after having met her and exchanged a few words, but I still felt just a little off. I had a great joke planned for her, but it completely slipped my mind until after we parted ways (read on - that part's interesting).

The date was pretty much the usual. I was able to ask questions and give some brief answers, and even make a few humorous comments...but I knew I wasn't loose. I wasn't myself. The whole thing was very stiff, and a little boring. One of the things I'd been thinking about over the last six weeks was the fact that these dates just aren't going to work out if I can't be myself with the other person. The conversation topics and all of that isn't really important! When I talk to the (coincidentally, female) friend that I made back in August, I don't need any of that. I'm automatically relaxed; it takes no effort to think of what to say, and I'm not reduced to searching my mind for a question like "what kind of food do you like?" The conversation just naturally flows with her - the way it does between most "normal" people.

I'd planned to sort of just imagine the way I feel when I talk to one of my two friends. I've done it in passing, and felt different - immediately more confident. But on this date, I was probably too stressed to manage that.

My goal was to end this date after 45 minutes, and it turned out to be a good idea, since we were experiencing repeated silences during the conversation. I remembered reading on her eHarmony profile that she thought it was obvious from the very beginning when two poeple have a connection. Our conversation was generally awkward, so I figured this one was definitely a goner. Nothing new, but I'd never see her again.

....or would I?

I glanced at my watch, and saw that it'd been almost an hour. I told her I'd better head back. Interestingly, she asked me a couple more questions, instead of just getting up to end our little chat. At the next silence, I asked if she wanted to head out, and so we did.

We walked to her cars, and.....here it is, folks....the point in every date blog entry where I tell you exactly what my date last said to me, and try to figure out what it means:

As we hugged, she said "well it was nice meeting you."

I said, "You too!"

And a short moment later, she added, "and I'm sure I'll talk to you soon."

What? That caught me more by surprise than anything I've seen so far. She was going to talk to me soon? Not later, but soon? And she was sure of it?!

Amazing, but it seems like she was still interested, despite all of the awkwardness. Maybe she perceived it as being partly due to herself. Or maybe she's a sweet girl who actually is patient enough to give us a chance, realizing that neither of us would be awkward if we were comfortable with each other. Or maybe I'm just so damn good-looking that my social skills didn't matter to her! Who knows!

But, it felt good, and it was a major relief to have the first date after the 6-week lull finally over with. I'm going to ask her out again on Friday, so I'll be sure to let you know if she accepts. In the meantime, my next first-date is set for Wednesday, and I hope to keep it going and going after that - all the way up to the blog's 1-year anniversary, if at all possible. I'll stop writing now so that I can get some sleep, reduce my stress, and focus on relaxing instead of being tense for the next shindig.

Calm before the storm: The final days of the lull

Arrghhhhhhhh!!

Yep. This is the lull that just won't quit. As always, there are some things going on though. First, since last time I wrote about some crazy date planned for a week ago, I figure I should briefly follow up on the fiasco that ensued:
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She texted me earlier that day, about 6 hours before we were supposed to meet up. She asked if we could "move our date to next week," because she "wasn't feeling well at all." I said, sure. So Sunday, I texted her, and when she said she was feeling good, I asked her if she wanted to try to play pool again today. She said yes.

This really wasn't a girl I had any business going out with. Like I said -- other side of the tracks. When I first spoke to her on the phone, it was obvious she didn't even have basic manners. That, along with the tattoos, piercings, and the fact that she sounded like a high-school dropout (and quite possibly was).....

I knew I wasn't interested. Not at all - I couldn't even imagine it. But, I decided that I needed all the experience I could get, so I would go through with meeting her, and try to have a little fun. And try to practice with her everything I've been working for and writing about in this blog.

So I showed up, in one of the poor areas of my state, near her home. She didn't show. I texted her, and she first she said she didn't have a ride; then when I gave her some form of a "wtf?" response, she claimed she'd forgotten.

So, it took 19 different first-dates, but I was finally stood up. It was bound to happen sooner or later. It's no big deal. In fact, I learned a little something: Don't get involved with any of these low-class people (there are many on hotornot.com, and virtually none at all on the dating sites I've been using), and don't get involved in any bad situations. I need all the practice I can get, yeah, but the buck's gotta stop somewhere. Trying things like this just aren't worth it.
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July 9th, 2008. Somehow I feel that by that day, we will all know that this blog and this mission were not done in vain. By July 9th, I feel that, somehow, we will celebrate the socialturnaround's one-year anniversary by looking at enormous, clear progress. Spectacular stuff. But if that's to be, a lot has to happen in the next 63 days.

The lull continues, but I'm still gearing up. Things are going pretty well with the football club I joined. I tried an extended 1-on-1 conversation with a male teammate, and it wasn't anything great, but I felt like I learned from it. In fact, I feel like I've been learning from everything that I've done. Today, I had this crazy idea that I've learned so much in the last 10 months that I can somehow now control my feelings, thoughts, and actions in any social situation. It's interesting, but in order to see if that's real, I'm going to need some more social opportunities.

As it turns out, I've (finally) been introduced on eHarmony.com to several great new young women. It takes time to go through the online communication process, but right now I'm seeing great mutual interest, and so I expect to be meeting up with one or more of them in the next week or so.

It seems like I was so close to being able to be myself in the last couple dates I went on. It really looked like I was on the verge of a breakthrough, but alas - this lull came up - and I lost some momentum. Hopefully I'll be able to pick up where I left off.

Lastly, some good news. I'm still hanging out with the one friend I've made since I started, and we've actually become really close friends (think: we had a conversation about her future children calling me "uncle," and mine calling her "aunt"). I took her to Medieval Times to celebrate her passing the bar exam to practice law. I'm completely myself when I'm with her. No anxiety, no inhibition, no awkwardness - nothing. We both shouted and cheered loudly throughout the show. I was actually so funny that the people around us were laughing and talking about it. It didn't seem like there was a shy bone in my body.