Just now, I checked the date of the post entitled "Nightmare." Much to my surprise, it was only two weeks ago. How could this be? A mere two weeks ago, I hit emotional rock bottom, and tonight, I'm back on top of the world.
Date #26. We met up at a Barnes & Noble Starbucks (actually, the same day of the week, time, and place I'd met the subject of my Nightmare). I had hardly talked to anyone all day, so I made it a point to exchange a few words with a few people on the way. I had been feeling a bit anxious in the hours leading up to tonight, but I knew that in almost every single case, my anxiety has diminished as soon as I've actually met my date, in the flesh. This was no different.
We talked, and I was myself again. I'd attempted to make a mnemonic for conversation topics beforehand, but I figured it would only be backup: most of the time, I don't need to make an effort to recall the topics. The list is very helpful though, because things mentioned in the conversation regularly remind me of what I've written down.
She did most of the talking, but I did plenty, and had lots of little quips. And this time, my date actually laughed at them! She and I were both laughing and smiling away through our date. The other details aren't so important. After an hour and twelve minutes, she said she didn't want to be rude, but asked if we could go. It was actually almost her bedtime - I'd been aiming for 45 minutes, but the conversation was flowing well enough that I didn't want to end it abruptly.
I asked her if she wanted a ride home, but she actually only lived a few blocks away. I thought we would be parting ways, but as we walked and talked, I ended up walking her all the way to her doorstep. I stopped about 10 feet short of the door, and told her to have a good night. As we hugged, she thanked me for her Starbucks tea, and for walking her home. She smiled broadly, and behold! I saw it.
That look in her eyes.
The antithesis of the look I saw in my date's eyes two weeks ago to the day.
A twinkle. No, this isn't a literary device. I actually saw a twinkle in her eyes. Genuine happiness.
And I was happy, too. Immediately, all of my negative feelings about my last few experiences disappeared. Finally, I could see them for exactly what they were. The flaws in the last couple people who disappointed me were as clear as day. To the point where I can't bear to even think about how I let such people get me down.
My restlessness had transformed into vigor and hope. I felt inspired to immediately pick up with a neglected part of my original plan: "Talk to people everywhere."
Finally, I'd had time to think things over before tonight. Based on my previous successes and failures, I came up with a brief list of things to keep in mind. All of them seemed to help.
Date #26. We met up at a Barnes & Noble Starbucks (actually, the same day of the week, time, and place I'd met the subject of my Nightmare). I had hardly talked to anyone all day, so I made it a point to exchange a few words with a few people on the way. I had been feeling a bit anxious in the hours leading up to tonight, but I knew that in almost every single case, my anxiety has diminished as soon as I've actually met my date, in the flesh. This was no different.
We talked, and I was myself again. I'd attempted to make a mnemonic for conversation topics beforehand, but I figured it would only be backup: most of the time, I don't need to make an effort to recall the topics. The list is very helpful though, because things mentioned in the conversation regularly remind me of what I've written down.
She did most of the talking, but I did plenty, and had lots of little quips. And this time, my date actually laughed at them! She and I were both laughing and smiling away through our date. The other details aren't so important. After an hour and twelve minutes, she said she didn't want to be rude, but asked if we could go. It was actually almost her bedtime - I'd been aiming for 45 minutes, but the conversation was flowing well enough that I didn't want to end it abruptly.
I asked her if she wanted a ride home, but she actually only lived a few blocks away. I thought we would be parting ways, but as we walked and talked, I ended up walking her all the way to her doorstep. I stopped about 10 feet short of the door, and told her to have a good night. As we hugged, she thanked me for her Starbucks tea, and for walking her home. She smiled broadly, and behold! I saw it.
That look in her eyes.
The antithesis of the look I saw in my date's eyes two weeks ago to the day.
A twinkle. No, this isn't a literary device. I actually saw a twinkle in her eyes. Genuine happiness.
And I was happy, too. Immediately, all of my negative feelings about my last few experiences disappeared. Finally, I could see them for exactly what they were. The flaws in the last couple people who disappointed me were as clear as day. To the point where I can't bear to even think about how I let such people get me down.
My restlessness had transformed into vigor and hope. I felt inspired to immediately pick up with a neglected part of my original plan: "Talk to people everywhere."
Finally, I'd had time to think things over before tonight. Based on my previous successes and failures, I came up with a brief list of things to keep in mind. All of them seemed to help.
- Stay present. I've been stuck inside my head on other occasions. For instance, on date #25, I was distracted from the conversation at one point because I was thinking about how different my date seemed in person than in text messages. Tonight, I was determined to keep my focus external the entire time, and I just about did.
- Use the conversation topics list passively. Instead of racking my brain (and therefore not staying present) to recall my list, I just let remarks trigger my memory naturally. I figure other people don't need this, because they've had thousands and thousands more conversations than I ever have. The average person has "conversation topics" triggered from memory of other conversations, instead of from lists. I'll get there eventually.
- Take my time speaking. I realized it's normal and perfectly fine to stop and think a moment before answering questions. In the past I've sometimes rushed a response, rattling something off from memory (or worse, from nowhere) instead of being thoughtful.
- Never yield to inhibition. I continued to practice one of the few items from my woefully-neglected "Master Plan" post. Instead of thinking things over before saying them, I just let it fly. I knew that saying anything (even making a silly joke that came to mind) was better than just sitting in silence.
- Don't get ahead of myself. This time, I didn't even think as far ahead as our second date. If I were doing that, I wouldn't have been "present" anyway.
- Lay off the dating stuff. In the past I've tried to employ dating strategies such as trying not to seem overly interested, and stuff like that. It's served as an added source of inhibition for me, and just wasn't worth it.
- Don't get discouraged. Even if something doesn't go smoothly, don't worry about it. The fact of the matter is that I've actually had successful dates even on "off" nights. I immediately moved on from a couple of (tiny) things that didn't go perfectly tonight. It all goes back to staying present.
- Be patient. I didn't place too much importance on how this particular date went. This girl seems like an enormously better match for me than most of the people I've met, but there's no telling how far it'll go. All I know is that I'm going to overcome shyness, etc., and have a wonderful girl to call my very own one day - as long as I keep at this. It'll just take time.
It feels good to be back.
1 comment:
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