The Antidote

When I started considering a departure from eHarmony, I thought I would finally take a break from dating altogether. Still, though, I had already gotten involved with a few ladies, and was certainly going to see things through with them. As luck would have it, I formed an amazing connection with Elissa, the very last girl I met online. I found myself hopelessly afflicted by the Love Bug, with little else on my mind for the next couple days. I asked her to a Sunday show via e-mail, but saw no response by the next night. Instead of waiting, I realized that the best thing I could possibly do for myself was to spend time with someone else instead.

There was Bridgette, the only other girl with whom there was still mutual interest. She had confused me on our first date, leaving me with the impression that she was uninterested. On a whim, I sent her a link to a video I'd mentioned at Starbucks, and she again suggested that we meet up. When that date was cancelled due to snow, I asked if she was free a week later, but then she was sick. That weekend, we had a beautiful glimpse of spring with sunshine and 70-degree temperatures, and it made me think of her. I sent her a text:

"It's a beautiful day outside - made me think of you."

I'd long been in the habit of avoiding flattery and largely concealing my romantic feelings, but I decided that after 53 dates, it was time to try something new.

I called her Sunday to confirm the pickup time. At first, I succeeded in the initial projection of both my voice and uninhibited persona, but a moment later I was interrupted; someone was at the door. The idea of having a family member overhear my conversation immediately made me feel self-conscious, and I was stiff when I returned to the phone.

As I got dressed, I thought. I had just been amazingly great with the last two girls I'd gone out with. In fact, I hadn't had an unsuccessful date since last year! More still, for some reason, Bridgette must have liked me, even when I was relatively stiff with her. Just think how much she'd like me after seeing the real me! This time, I would make it a point to minimize the talk about work, and about anything else boring. We were going to Dave & Buster's, so I figured the environment would make it easy.
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She got in the car, and we were back together for the first time in nearly a month. I felt stiff during the first couple minutes of conversation, but then started to improve. Before long, I was back where I'd left off with her, largely taking on my uninhibited persona in spite of a general feeling of tension.

By the time we reached the mall, I was feeling pretty good, while continuing to improve. Now, jokes were coming to mind, and I executed them with little or no forethought. When Bridgette mentioned doing something when she was little, I said, "Well, you're still little!" When we wanted to play ski ball, a group of kids were taking up all of the lanes. I told my date that they were pretty small, so we could probably rough them. I started making whatever jokes came to mind, regardless of what they were. She said I was lucky on one of the games, so I told her, "I'd rather be lucky than good!" merely because it was a quote I'd heard somewhere. Luckily, she seemed to think it was funny. Some of the things I said ended up being pretty silly, but I later realized that you can't be too funny if you hold back; you have to be willing to sound silly every now and then.

After playing a few games and walking around for about 15 minutes, we decided to check on our dinner table. Now, I was so loose that I naturally joked around with the hostess.

"There's one party in front of you."
"One party.... what's that, a 30 second wait? 45 seconds?"

Somehow, that 45-second wait ended up being close to half an hour. I stood with Bridgette, with no menu, games, or food to help entertain her. All I had was me.

All I had was me, and me was all I needed. I'd realized after the last couple dates that I had actually become a good conversationalist since the inception of my mission. After all: how could this much practice not have paid off? I asked whatever came to mind, starting with the obvious question of what kind of food she was in the mood for. We ended up spending some time talking about work, but I was skilled enough to make it a fun topic. When Bridgette mentioned the CEO of her company, I asked if she'd ever met him. She told me that she'd shook his hand once, and I inferred that it was important to her. I then jokingly asked if she'd gotten an autograph, and told her that she should have taken a photo with her cellphone and made it her Feycebook profile photo. At the same time, I jokingly made fun of people who take cell phone pictures of themselves by mimicking the gestures. Now, Bridgette was seeing the real, fun, uninhibited me, which was a vast improvement from our first date.

As we ate, I realized that things were going great. I was sitting across from a beautiful girl, doing a stellar job of entertaining her.

Only time stood between her lips and mine.

I became anxious as I felt a little pressure to maintain the quality of the date until the end of the evening. Still, though, my mind continued to easily think of what to say, and my anxiety was surely invisible to Bridgette.

After our first date, I couldn't quite figure out what Bridgette and I liked about each other. We really hadn't even found a whole lot that we had in common. Now, though, we were starting to find that common ground. We were both semi-vegetarians, weren't particularly happy with our SUV's, and listened to the same morning talk show host, who we both thought was obnoxious.

Bridgette hadn't asked many questions at Starbucks, so tonight I would be sure to talk about myself so that she would learn some of the many interesting things about me. I skillfully related my experiences to things she said. For example, I asked about her kickboxing class, and then told her that I'd tried a lot of new things myself - like acting - since finishing school. She was interested, and asked more questions about it. I was able to visualize and tell her the story of my final class performance with relative ease. Telling stories seemed like an impossible task when I started the mission, so I felt proud myself afterwards.

Instead of using preprepared conversation topics, I was mostly able to think of things to say based on the current conversation and the environment. When we heard a group singing Happy Birthday, I naturally thought to ask when her birthday was, followed by whether or not she believed in astrology. She seemed to be having a good time, but would now confirm it. When we talked about astrological signs, she said she was curious what kind of profile I would have as a Virgo. She was so interested that she wanted to Google it right then on her phone, so I told her to go for it.

When she read off one of the Virgo characteristics as being "shy," I ridiculed the web site. ME? SHY?! It was outrageous!

I told her the rest of the characteristics were spot-on, and they were.

As I continued to ask interesting questions and make jokes, I observed Bridgette. After Starbucks, I thought there was absolutely no chance that I would ever see her again. There was just something so curious about a girl who was interested, yet had given no indication on the first date. Why hadn't she?

I noticed she had a quiet laugh; it was different, and adorable.

I noticed a couple times when there was a momentary lull in the conversation, she looked at me with an expression I'd seen while eating with Bina. In that case, I'd correctly interpreted it as concern about whether or not I liked her.

I noticed that Bridgette seemed self-conscious about using a kleenex and sounding congested, as she was still getting over her cold. I could tell that she once tried to conceal a cough, which was something I'd always done, fearing it would turn off a date.

I noticed that Bridgette remembered things from our first date that even I, who wrote a blog post about the shindig, didn't.

I noticed that I was the one making most of the jokes, and she was the one doing most of the laughing.

Above all, I noticed that I was the more uninhibited one. In the game room, she said that I could get on the dancing game, and she would watch. I wouldn't have even had to give a dancing game, or any other, a second thought, but there was absolutely no way she would play it in public; I teased her about it several times during the night.

When I made little comments to the waittress named Roseanne, I noticed that my interaction with our server made me seem more sociable than my date. Later, when she deducted my meal from the bill since I didn't eat much of it, my voice excuded confidence as we had a longer exchange:

"Roseanne......you are the best waitress I've---"

She asked me to fill out a survey.

"Oh! So it's a bribe!"

She said that I would be entered for a chance to win $10,000 if I filled it out.

"Ok, I'm gonna do it. Not only that though! Roseanne, if I win, I'm going to come back here, and give you $2,500."

I realized that I couldn't even imagine Bridgette joking around with the waitress, let alone being as fun as I was.

Now, I could at least postulate a theory as to what was going on. Perhaps it was that I was great. Perhaps, that is, I was so great that meeting me at Starbucks made Bridgette a little too nervous to ask a lot of questions that day. Maybe she didn't tell me she had a good time until she responded to my e-mail days later because she thought it was obvious that she had a good time with me, because I was so great. Maybe she was the one wondering whether I was interested, because, well, I was so great.

Then again, probably not.

She'd been telling me about preparing for a presentation at work the next day, so I said I'd better get her home to practice. As I drove us back to her apartment, she mentioned her beloved old green jacket, and I joked about it with ease, calling it "her" and asking if it had a name. I heard her quiet laugh, and glanced over to again see that beautiful smile. It was the genuine kind that you couldn't hide if you wanted to.

She'd had a good time.

I pulled into a handicap space and told her I'd walk her up. I'm usually obsessive about avoiding the common cold, but there was no way I was going to leave without kissing her goodnight.

We continued talking for a few moments after reaching the building door. She smiled, and I realized she didn't expect me to walk into the building with her. I said, "Alright," and gave her a hug.

After the hug, there was a brief, silent moment. I put my hand on her waist, leaning in towards her. She stood motionless for another moment, until I saw her move and closed my eyes. She gave me a short kiss that felt amazing, unlike anything I'd ever felt. In that instant, all of my anxiety vanished; my worries evaporated.

I then felt that Bridgette was as happy as I was, as she asked if I knew how to get home, and told me to have a safe drive. I told her to knock 'em dead in her presentation, and caught one more glimpse of her beautiful smile before I turned away.

The Love Bug

After meeting thirty or so women through eHarmony, I decided to call it quits. For starters, I'd never liked the idea of competing against other guys on the site, who would be presented as matches to any girl I met there. Second, I never saw much in the way of results. After putting in so much time, money, and energy, I hadn't gotten much out. Besides, it was time to move on and demonstrate that I'd progressed enough to get dates out in the real world. Perhaps there I would meet my first girlfriend, and not have to to worry about her being curious enough to meet up with other guys who were purportedly matched with her on 29 dimensions of compatibility.

After 17 months, I cancelled my subscription. I still had a few days left, though, so I continued the guided communication process that I'd begun with a girl named Elissa, who always responded extremely quickly. That seemed lucky, since otherwise my subscription might have run out before we were allowed to send open-ended messages. When I told her to e-mail me because I'd be leaving the site in a few days, she said that was funny, because she was doing the same.

From her very first message, I could tell that she was an unbelievably sweet girl. Her e-mails were replete with exclamation marks and smileys. Whenever it'd been a few days since I'd written, she said, "Good to hear from you!" After a couple weeks, I suggested we meet up at a billiards hall in the city.

I knew that she would be the last girl I'd ever meet in the world of online dating.
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I walked over and asked, "What's up?" as we hugged.

We took a table near the entrance and started talking.

"You look nice!"

I'd been on over 50 dates, and it was the first time anyone had complimented my appearance. I told her that she looked nice, too - and did she. Elissa is a contender for the Miss America title, and it couldn't have been more obvious why. In spite of that, she radiated the same sweetness that she showed online, and couldn't have been any more down-to-earth.

I had felt a little anxious in the minutes leading up to our meeting, but now that we had met and begun talking, I was at ease. I had practically nothing prepared in the way of conversation topics, but had so much confidence in my conversation skills that I was sure I wouldn't need any. I asked an obvious question or two that came to mind, and Elissa was just as talkative as she had been over e-mail.

The conversation moved easily from one topic to another, without even a hint of awkwardness. I was at such ease that I had no difficulty discussing her favorite things, even though I knew much less about them; the topic just didn't matter. I've never followed baseball closely, but we had a long discussion about it, with me making plenty of jokes and humorous comments. When I learned that she had a remarkable fondness for Abraham Lincoln, I had even more questions and jokes, even though I only knew a handful of facts about him. When she told me she'd read about 150 books about the 16th President, I leaned back, smiled, wagged my finger, and said something like, "You, my dear, are a scholar!" My relaxed, uninhibited nature was on full display. I asked if she was offended by people throwing away pennies - since they bare Abe Lincoln's image - and she was taken aback. She said I'd been making her think about things she should have thought of before.

Whenever Elissa mentioned something that we had in common, I said "me too," or something to that effect. Over the course of a long conversation, we learned that we had the same view on topics like abortion, the previous President, and Iraq. Her openness in mentioning political stances gave us a chance to find common ground we wouldn't have had any idea about if we had treated the topics as taboo. I told her that she was the first person I'd ever met who agreed with me about Iraq, and gave her a high-five. She mostly missed my hand, and asked to try it again; the second time was a success.

No one in the world could be more open than Elissa was with me. We'd met only within the past hour or two, yet she voluntarily divulged one personal fact after another. She told me four or five things about her life that are so personal I won't repeat them here, even though the blog is anonymous. After hearing the stories, I understood how she could be so down-to-earth and sweet, instead of having developed a huge ego during her days as a beauty pageant contestant.

Eventually, we were discussing dreams (a topic that she brought up naturally, even though it's on my old list of conversation topics), and she mentioned that she has insomnia and needed to take a sleeping pill by 11. I checked the time and told her that it was 10:15. She smiled and said, "Plenty of time!"

It had been obvious that we were both enjoying ourselves, but that comment confirmed it. Soon, her roommate, who had been at a restaurant next door, came over to our table, hugged Elissa, and apologized. She'd forgotten her keys.

I stood up, shook her hand, and introduced myself. When she apologized again for interrupting, I said, "We were just talking about how fabulous you are!"

The next time Elissa mentioned the time, she made sure I didn't think the sleeping pill was an excuse for leaving.

"Sorry, I don't mean to be... I had a really good time. I mean, I had a really good time."

I smiled and nodded as she spoke.

"You're nodding..."
"Yeah! Me too."

She smiled.

I said that I hadn't had a chance to beat her in Shuffleboard, and she suggested we do it next time.

When we reached her house, she thanked me, and reiterated that she'd had a great time.

I had never had a date anywhere near as intimate as with Elissa. We had found common beliefs in politics, and a common interest in writing about our lives. I bought her a pair of flowers, and she'd shared her iPod earbuds with me, and had even invited me to a political conference that her dad would also be attending. She'd already shared the most intimate details of her life with me, and had even fought off tears in front of me when telling me how her first dog had died in an accident last year.

I insisted on walking her to her door. It was a good thing I did, because her roommate hadn't yet returned home with the keys. She called her roommate Tracy - who had apparently missed the last bus - and I insisted that I didn't mind going to pick her up. Elissa apologized, saying that she felt bad and that I'd been so sweet all night.

I said it was no problem, and that it'd give me a chance to hear about her tattoos. Tracy was nearby, and the three of us were soon headed back to the house.

When I mentioned that we wouldn't be back by 11 for Elissa to take her pills, Tracy was in disbelief that her roommate had told me about her insomnia on the first date. Only half-kidding, she told Elissa that she should at least wait until the fourth date for that. It was nothing compared to the other things I'd learned about my date, but I simply joked that there were worse things.

After only a few minutes, we were back at the house. Elissa said that I didn't need to walk her up again, but I said, "Ah, let's go for broke!" and walked her up anyway. She again said that she'd had a really great time. Tracy mentioned something about the landlord moving a refrigerator, and Elissa explained the comment to me. I remarked to myself that I'd just met both of these people. It was absolutely amazing to think that I had just barely met her on eHarmony, and how much of a difference it made for her to have entered my life.

I stopped a few feet short of the door, and said, "Alright, Elissa."

She turned around, walked back towards me, and held out her arms wide. She grabbed me, giving me a great, big hug, and saying she'd talk to me soon.
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On the way home, I felt unusually sober. I knew logically that the night had been amazing. I knew that I had never met a sweeter person in 25 years of life, and I knew that I'd never been on a date like this one. Still, though, I told myself that I would keep myself together. I felt sober, and planned not to let feelings overwhelm me as they have too many times before.

Once I got home, an image of the date popped into my mind. Then another. Then a thought about Elissa, and another image. Now, I started to feel something. It was like the first minutes that you start to feel a tickle in your throat, and know that a cold is coming on. I knew that I'd caught the love bug, and started to feel everything that I'd thought on the way home. I felt that Elissa was the most amazing girl I'd ever met, and I felt that there couldn't be anyone else quite like her in this entire world.

As man learned millennia ago, the problem with this love bug is that its incredible power can, if not managed, do harm.

My next symptom was uncertainty. I started to dwell on possible imperfections in the date, contemplating what I should have said when she kept telling me how great of a time she was having. I then started anxiously trying to figure out when the best time would be to call her and ask her out again. What would be the best date? Would it be better to text her? Is two days long enough to wait? Would five be too long?!

After being distracted by the love bug for several hours at work, I checked my e-mail. Before the uncertainty kicked in, I'd been positive that she would e-mail me from work the next day; I already knew her well enough to be certain of that.

I just wanted to shoot you a quick note to thank you again for last night! I had a really great time! The flowers are nestled right under the Babe and he loved them! Hope you're having a great day!~ Elisa

It took me a solid hour to figure out the best three sentences with which to reply. I finally decided on just being myself and wrote, "I'm glad you had a really great time, because I did too :) " I'd never confessed my feelings about a date so strongly, and hoped that being open with her wouldn't hurt. I also invited her to a show on Sunday, and immediately started questioning whether the next day was too soon to suggest another date.

The love bug has struck again, but I'm going to do my best to manage the symptoms. This time, I'll follow Ashlley's advice from the beginning, and keep my options open by continuing to date and pursue other people.

It's my only hope.