Doing The Impossible: First Pickup

In the lonely years before this blog, I had one simple question. How do people meet other people? Since beginning my mission, I've come up with a few solutions. Meeting people online, joining clubs, and now meeting friends of friends have all been helpful. Last night, though, I finally discovered the single, absolute answer to my question.
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I went to a small nightclub to celebrate Amorita's birthday, for the second week in a row. I invited Cathy, but she couldn't make it. When I found my friend on the dance floor, she introduced me to a few of her other friends. I only managed to ask a couple of questions about the environment until I got to speak to someone alone. I introduced myself to one of the boyfriends, then asked if he'd been to the club before. I followed up with some questions about where he'd driven in from, which led to other stuff like our jobs and traffic. When there were pauses in the conversation, I thought of new questions or comments, but it was all pretty natural this time. Topics were coming to mind from my interactions last week, and it was making a difference. Practice makes perfect.

I was warming up. As far as I can tell, I have slain the beast of inhibition, and it now just takes me a little while to loosen up in a new environment.

I walked over to our table, where some other people with our party were sitting. I introduced myself to one girl, but she said we'd already met last week. Really? I didn't remember it at all.
From this point, I decided that if I wasn't sure if I had already met someone, I would just assume that I already had. It was the perfect opportunity to practice assumed rapport, the key principle I observed last week.

I was feeling good. The girl Liz who I spent so much time playing with last week was there, but this time, she had brought her fiance. When I saw him, I immediately smiled at them and introduced myself. She had told me a lot about him - and that's exactly what I told him. I knew he was a soccer fanatic, so I asked him all about it, and he seemed happy to talk about it. I stood around the table chatting with him and the first guy I'd talked to earlier, and....you guessed it! I was myself. Conversation, lighthearted humor...it was all coming easily. I didn't have any fancy conversation topics from the blog in mind. Instead, I just started out asking obvious questions, like whether they'd been to any other clubs in the area. The conversation skills I've developed in the past year were serving me well, and I realized it was one of the few times I've gotten to play with other males during the mission.

That was awesome, but for whatever reason, I have an easier time cutting loose and playing with women.

Back on the dance floor, I danced with a group of hot Asian girls. They were dancing with each other, but unlike one of the times I went out alone, I didn't feel intimidated. I interacted with them, winking at the cutest one, shouting "you go girl!", and stuff like that.

I was the only one in the club wearing sunglasses, so I figured I stood out. I spotted a tall, slim, attractive, fair-skinned girl with dark hair on the dance floor, and when she saw me, I heard her say "look at this guy!" She came over to me, and took my hands. We only danced for a moment, and then she backed away a bit, and seemed to be trying to show me the correct motions. We starting dancing again, and she turned her back to me and moved her body into mine. It was sexy, but after a couple of moments, her friends interrupted us.

I stood by as she talked to them. My only interaction with her in life had been a couple minutes of sporadic dancing, but I simply acted as if we were a couple and I was waiting for her. The principle of assuming rapport seemed to be working, because I started to feel as if we were actually together.

That girl tried to find some other guys to dance with, so I got the idea that she didn't think I was a very good dancer. It only took me about a minute to realize that it didn't matter. The dance floor was tiny compared to the others I've been on, so I headed back to my party's table to find someone else to play with.

By now, I was totally warmed up. I was ready to act a fool.

I was standing by our table dancing, and one of the girls - who I didn't remember ever seeing - said to me, "You're a really good dancer." I asked if it was sarcasm, and she said yes. I don't think we had ever met, but I acted as if we were close friends or relatives, and joked with her about my dancing, and teased her for criticizing me while not dancing herself. I busted out moves over by the table, not caring if I stood out. I sang along and swayed my arms to "Hip-Hop Hooray," and did whatever else I wanted to do.

I treated the girl as my new Liz, and periodically joked around with her all night, even when she looked more annoyed than anything else.

Back to the dance floor! Whether it be "the dance floor," a date, or any other situation, the opportunity to play without inhibition is extremely exciting.

It was late, so the small dance floor had cleared out quite a bit. I spotted an attractive Hispanic girl walking on. I had been "present" the whole night, instead of ruminating about anything mentally, so I knew from observation that she wasn't with anybody. Without hesitation (critical for much of this stuff), I walked over and started dancing with her. I heard her friend say "get him!", so I knew she was going to play.

She said something to me, but I couldn't make it out. Instead, I just assumed it was positive. We danced facing each other for a couple of minutes, and I slowed down, relaxed, and was in rhythm. Soon, she turned her back and moved her body into mine. There was no one dancing near us, so we were going to be putting on a show.

We moved our pelvises rhythmically into each other. I put one hand around her waist, then another. I explored her hips and bare belly with my hands as I held her, while leaning forward and smelling the long, pretty hair that was in my face. I took one of her hands and raised it above her head, then did the same with another at some point while we danced. It was a sensual move I knew of only from observing couples in recent outings.

We were together for a pretty long time, and at moments our activity probably seemed more like simulated sex than dancing. I looked toward my party's table, and saw one of the girls I'd talked to, Jamie, watching us. She seemed to be in awe. Eventually, my dance partner turned around, and I held her in my arms for a moment while she tried to tell me something in my ear. I wasn't sure what she said - maybe that she would be right back - but I decided to go see what was going on with my group.

All the while, Amorita had been up to her usual antics: interacting with countless people and effortlessly making friends. After being the center of attention on the dance floor, I was feeling more confident than ever, and had a thought: Why don't I try to do what she does?

I had never tried initiating a conversation with a random person at a bar. In fact, I had never been to a bar before the mission. Between my confidence and new understanding of assumed rapport, it suddenly didn't seem like a difficult task. Not at all.

Drink in hand (orange juice...I'm doing all of these things without even a sip of alcohol), I walked around the lounge. There were tables seating groups on the sides; a bar in the middle with a few seats; the dance floor, and individuals or groups standing around everywhere in-between. That was all I had to work with.

The first time around, I thought about talking to a guy who was standing and nursing a drink, but decided against it. I was feeling positive, and didn't have even a moment's thought of giving up, or of anything else negative. I instead walked around again, and this time saw a pair of girls talking to each other, but decided against interrupting.

Finally, I noticed a young lady by the bar sitting with a drink, with a somewhat bored expression on her face. I had an opening phrase in mind from earlier, but otherwise didn't do any thinking. I walked over, bent down, and said, "What's going on over here?" without any hesitation. I learned that she was with a birthday party, and I told her that I was as well. I asked if she was dancing, and she said no. I stood up, and it was a brief lull in the conversation. I thought momentarily about just leaving, but then she asked, "What's your name?"

I then knew immediately that she wanted to continue our conversation. I said it was nice to meet her, and then one of us asked another question. I knelt down beside her, and it was just like any of the other successful conversations I've talked about here. I soon learned that she was from New York City, and commented that I didn't hear her accent. I asked how she liked the new city, and stuff like that. Really, it was mostly the type of conversation that I've encountered on my first 36 dates or so. All of that experience was paying off, because this was a piece of cake! Not only that, but I was effortlessly making humorous comments throughout the conversation.

We talked for about 10 minutes, and I realized what was happening. I had synthesized everything I'd learned in over a year of dedication to my mission, and I was only a moment away from what had long seemed impossible. I was about to, for the first time in my entire life, meet someone at random. It hadn't even crossed my mind when I decided to first speak to her, but I was now only one more question away from having completed a pickup. All I had to do was ask her for her phone number.

I hadn't planned to even attempt any milestones like a pickup that night. Instead, I was merely exploring the new world that has opened up to me since I've defeated inhibition. I hadn't even stopped to think whether or not I had any interest in the girl. I realized that in the next moment, but thought that I should ask for her phone number regardless, simply for the experience and for the milestone. In the next moment, I realized that she was both attractive and nice! I was interested.

Those thoughts rushed through my mind, but I was still pretty calm internally, and completely cool on the outside.

We had talked so long that I actually didn't quite remember her name. I said, "Pronounce your name for me again." I repeated it back, and that was it. One more phrase.

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket, flipped it open, and asked, "What's your phone number?"

It was that simple.

She said, "But I already have a boyfriend."

I was unphased.

"Ah, okay. It was nice talking to you."

I've studied these things online, so I was familiar with the situation, despite never having experienced it. This, though, was better than anything I would have imagined.

She added, "He knows I don't have friends though." I understood that she was just trying to make friends. Lo and behold, that's what I would have preferred, anyway! I pulled my phone back out, flipped it open, and said, "Ok, lets do it then."

She gave me her phone number, and verified that my cell phone entry was correct. I excused myself, and told her I'd talk to her later.

As I walked back to my group, I finally knew the answer to my question, How do people meet other people?

They talk to them.

The Office - Update

I've been keeping the blog up-to-date with the most interesting events of my social life, but there has been much more going on than I've had time to write about. In particular, it's been a long time since I've revisited one critical situation: the office.

I started my first job a little over 8 months ago. At the time, I thought it would be, in essence, my secret weapon in the mission. The idea was that it would provide me with a perfectly consistent 8 hours per day of social opportunities, where I'd be immersed, and would have no choice but to interact with people regularly. That seemed like a great way to boost my skills - so how has it been turning out?

Starting out, it really wasn't so great. For the first several months, my job just didn't require me to interact much with my coworkers, and so I didn't see much improvement, if any. Instead of growing, I simply adapted to the situation, as I probably could have even before the mission.

In the past couple months or so, things have really started to pick up. I write computer software, and now other people have started testing my project, so I've had many more opportunities to interact. Far away now are the days when I'd go to work and come home having said so few words that I could count them on my fingers. I've been working with other developers, testers, my manager, and the company president on all kinds of technical stuff. I've become very comfortable in most of these situations. I can usually speak clearly and confidently, but still, there are some issues.

With my peers, I have no problem at all. I'm reserved at work, but it's professional, so I don't expect it to to be like the spectacular socializing I've been talking about lately. (Actually, there is an extreme difference at this point. I'm a social Clark Kent at work, and a social Superman when I leave).

With my manager, I'm about just as good. He's a super nice, funny guy, and I see and talk to him almost every day. He's that rare, special type of person who makes everyone feel comfortable.

I work for a small company, where the President is also a super nice, great guy. He has a heart of gold and, in fact, I can't say that I've known anyone nicer. I don't see him every day though, and it's been obvious that for some reason, I get a little nervous when I work with him. Case in point: I am a straight up wizard when it comes to computers, and especially what I do at work. The other day, I was showing him something on my laptop, though, and felt some anxiety. I became tentative in performing what would ordinarily be as easy for me as breathing. I suppose it's the whole "authority figure" thing that many shy people have issues with, and it sucks.

On a smaller scale, I can see the same issue with my manager. When I've wanted to come in a little early so that I could leave a little early for an appointment, I've avoided asking, even though I know he wouldn't mind the slightest bit. Despite all of my other progress, it's a mental roadblock. I'm not yet sure how to shake my inhibition and be myself with these people, who own and run my company. Outside of work, the thing that has worked best has been joking around. What am I supposed to do - tease these guys? I'm not sure, but I'll figure it out. These are the last few remaining obstacles on the mission.

In spite of the roadblocks, I demonstrated some pretty spectacular progress last week, and I wish you could have been there to see it. For the first time since graduate school, I had to give a presentation, this time in front of my manager and about 11 others.

Before the mission, this would have been the most daunting of tasks. In college and graduate school, I went to the extreme of avoiding classes altogether if I knew I would have to give a presentation. When I had no choice but to deal with them, I worried for days, and felt the strongest feeling of anxiety during performance, which at times led to talking fast, shaking, stumbling, and all kinds of stuff you are probably all too familiar with.

This time, I (deliberately) didn't worry about it at all. I prepared a few hours before, and that was it.

When the time came, I simply showed up. It was an informal atmosphere, in a room full of people I'd talked to comfortably one-on-one in the past, so I knew I should be fine. For this presentation, I could sit down, so I took full advantage. I slouched slightly in my chair, recalling the "high status" confident body language my acting instructor once mentioned. I allowed myself to feel fully confident, knowing without doubt that I knew the topic of the presentation - my own work - far better than anyone else.

My state of mind was reflected in my voice - clear and confident. To my surprise, I was able to answer questions easily, giving clear explanations without any stumbling. If I made a slight error, I simply ignored it and moved on.

With each answered question, I felt more and more confident. When my manager was called away from the room, I had to take over and guide the discussion, explaining features of my product without questions to prompt me. I was amazed at how easily I could do it. Smooth, calm, relaxed - it was the antithesis of most of my past experiences with presentations.

After the nearly 2-hour presentation was over, my manager thanked me and complimented me several times. "Great job." He wasn't just being nice - it was actually really good! I had improved vastly from my school days without actually practicing, so I can't help but think that specific presentation skills are far less important than the mental skills of being relaxed and confident.

As I continue to gain a better understanding of how I'm able to pull these things off, I promise to help elucidate the technique for everyone else. In the meantime, I still have those few barriers to deal with. Tomorrow, I'm going out to lunch, for the first time, with my manager, the President, and one of the other founders of the company. Today, I couldn't even seem to think of anything to say to the other founder, who is from France and is only in town this week. Still, though I'm in no way worried about tomorrow, and instead embrace the opportunity.

How will I open up with these guys? Do I really have to play tease and play around with them, as if they were the 20-something-year-old girls I've talked about in other posts?

Don't put it past me: I'm on a mission.

The Beginning of the End

The year before I started the mission, I thought about happiness. I tried to accept my situation, thinking that I was, at least at times, happy in spite of my severe lack of social contact. I reasoned that "happiness is happiness." In other words, if I'm at home alone watching a TV show that makes me laugh, I'm happy, right? It didn't really matter if I missed out on socializing, as long as I could find something that made me feel happy at the moment....right?

Wrong.

Last night, I realized that, before the mission, I was missing out on an entirely different kind of happiness. A kind that I simply could not imagine. The kind of thing you have to actually experience before you have any idea at all what you've been missing.


It was one of my first opportunities to try branching out, making connections with other friends of one of the two friends I've made since last year. Amorita invited me to her birthday party at a bar in the city.

This time, I didn't give it much forethought. When the night arrived, I simply went. None of the usual mental strategizing. I knew that I'd become quite close to Amorita, and I'm completely uninhibited when I'm with her. The idea was to see how I would feel being with both her and new people at the same time. After a year, it was hard to see how I could be shy or inhibited while with Amorita. Not only that, but it had also been over a month since I declared my inhibition dead, and outside of the office, it had failed to rear its ugly head since.

I read the wrong time on the invitation, and showed up to the bar half an hour early. I called Amorita, and it turned out she was across the street, eating dinner with one of her other friends. She suggested that I come sit with them. It would be my first test.

I had met her best friend Meniki, a beautiful, intelligent, mature Sri Lankan girl, once before at a party. When Amorita flagged me down as I passed by, I went over and greeted them both, without any forethought. I took a seat and continued without conscious thought, asking what was up, and what they'd been up to.

It didn't take long for me to see that I was myself. I joked and teased with Amorita as we usually do, and Meniki's presence didn't make a bit of difference. I felt better and better as I warmed up, and felt smooth, calm, and confident. This state of mind was reflected in my tone of voice.

We were sitting outside, where a man selling roses passed by our table. I had an impulse buy one for Amorita, since she had just mentioned that we were celebrating her birthday (a week and a half early). I motioned for the vendor to come over, and asked for an orange rose. He pulled out two, which was even better. After I bought them, I smoothly said, "Ladies..." and gave each of my friends a rose.

The three of us noticed the waiter looking extremely irritated after shattering a glass at one of the other tables. When he came by to check on us, Amorita tried to cheer him up by starting a conversation. He (a pretty creepy guy) responded by standing next to our table ceaselessly, even with major lulls in the conversation. He mentioned that his birthday was the day after mine, and I immediately raised my hand to give him a high-five. When I'm myself, I have impulses to do these things, and I now follow them - usually without any forethought whatsoever.

For some reason, Meniki invited the creepy waiter to hang out with us at the party later on, though soon regretted it. When he finally left us alone, it gave me a chance to interact with her a lot more. I joked with her about adding fuel to the fire started by Amorita in getting the waiter interested in them, and the three of us tried to figure out the best metaphor to describe the situation. This continued after the waiter asked whether Meniki was single, and the whole situation gave me a great opportunity to joke around. It may just be the nature of my real personality, but here in the blog, we've seen that teasing and joking around is invariably what helps me to relax and be myself. It is my self.

When the time came to meet more of Amorita's friends across the street, I deliberately retained my calm state of mind. I planned to just go with the flow.

I could feel that my response to being introduced to the others was different than the way these things have felt at times when I was inhibited. Then, it usually felt as if I was following a script from memory, with the perfunctory "Nice to meet you." Last night, though, it seemed as if my actions and words were coming from my feelings instead of from my thoughts.

For starters, I stood upstairs at the televisions in front of the bar, with a few of my new acquaintances. I made some small talk, but it was hard to hear, and I could feel that I needed to warm up once again with them. Early on, I got isolated from the conversations (due to the loud music in the room), and started to get stuck going over thoughts in my head. I was determined not to fall victim to rumination, and instead forced myself to stay present whenever that happened. It took a few minutes, but I was able to do it.

Soon, things started to shape up. I got a chance to talk 1 on 1 with a girl (actually, these are all women around age 27, a few years older than me) named Liz, who works with Amorita. She commented on the blazing fast speed of one of the Olympians running on TV, and I followed my impulse to say, "Reminds me of myself!" She asked if I ran track and field, and I started joking around with her. I said something like, "Well....I ran on a track once." She said, "So you're a smartass."

It was the start of an interesting exchange. I know, of course, that her perception of me was completely at odds with the image of any shy person.

I continued joking around with her, instinctively pushing her buttons when I wanted to get a rise out of her, giving me the opportunity for some more kidding around. When I'm able to be myself like that, it's amazing how much joking I do, and how easily I do it.

Liz became frustrated with me at times that night, but mostly in a friendly, funny sort of way. The key concept that I observed from playing with her was rapport. In my research for the mission, I once came across a wonderful quote:

"Usually the best way to break the ice with someone is to assume there never was any ice to begin with." -- Steve Pavlina

The point is that I had just met Liz. Only minutes after meeting this person, she was already calling me a smartass, and I was already joking around with her as if she were a close friend. I didn't treat her as a stranger, or as a "new person," and she behaved precisely the same way toward me. We completely ignored the fact that we had just met, and, without conscious thought, acted no differently than if we had been friends for years. It's assumed rapport, and it makes all the difference.

I was having a lot of fun. When the USA swimming team won the 4x100 relay, I raised my fist in victory, cheered loudly, and high-fived Liz and one of the other two girls I'd been chatting with.
I stayed and kept the three girls company for about an hour, and then finally headed over to the dance floor with the rest of the group.

It's here that I have to tell you that Amorita is absolutely amazing. When we first entered the bar, she was immediately talking to one of the security guards about something. At the time, I thought it was someone she already knew, but I was wrong. She had just started talking to him in that moment! Later, she found him and talked to him again, trying to cheer him up after some problem with management that made him want to quit his job.

Now, on the dance floor, I found Amorita dancing and talking with a group of very cool people that I didn't realize were with us. Soon, they were playing around, then even taking pictures together. I thought that they must have been friends that I didn't get introduced to, but at the end of the night I found out that she had just met them.

Lots of people are friendly and gregarious, but not to the extent of Amorita. I bring it up because I feel amazingly lucky to be friends with her, but also because she's the paradigm when it comes to social skills. I don't think anyone in the world makes friends faster or more easily, and it's all because she assumes rapport. My time spent with her the last year or so has been proof of Steve Pavlina's quote about breaking the ice.

What about me? It was my first time on a dance floor with a group of people that I knew. I felt better than ever! I danced and had a good time, free from inhibition. I danced, danced, and danced some more, even when not many others were dancing. At some point, I even ended up doing a little bump-and-grind with one of the girls. She had been hanging out with our group, but I had no idea whether or not she was with us. In a couple of hours, Amorita had made friends with so many new people that I just couldn't tell anymore.

I was following impulses. When Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance with Somebody was played, some of the people around me started singing along. With barely even a moment of hesitation, I joined in, and sang at the top of my lungs. Another first. No self-consciousness.

When the bar closed up, we headed next door to get some pizza. On the way out, the huge, 6'3, 300 pound security guard from the bar was standing by the door. He complimented (i.e., hit on) Menika, saying that she was wearing a nice dress, and that he liked her outfit. Despite his size, I didn't perceive him as an intimidating figure - especially after Amorita had made friends with him - and I had an impulse to speak to him. I said, pointing at myself playfully, "What about me? Do you like my outfit?"

He said, "Your outfit..... it's alright....yeah, I like it."

Nice guy. The point is to ignore any perceptions that suggest people won't want to play with you. Those perceptions are almost always deceitful, and they're one of the main weapons of the bane of shyness. You have to assume rapport.

There were a bunch of people, but I got the feeling that Meniki, Liz, and myself were among Amorita's closest friends, because we were the last ones together at the end of the night.

First, we walked Liz to her car. She asked me where I'd parked, and when I tried to make fun of myself for not remembering, she interpreted as me being a smartass again, and started to storm off. I cleared things up skillfully, without making it into anything at all serious.

I'd felt quite a bit tighter in the pizza shop, where I sat with two people who I didn't much interact with earlier at the bar. Now, though, I felt perfect with this small group, which consisted of 3 girls who I'd been at ease talking to 1-on-1 earlier. When I realized that I'd been calling Liz by the wrong name all night, I fessed up and joked a little bit about it. There was no inhibition.

At Liz's car, she first hugged Amorita, then Meniki. I wondered for a moment if it made since for me to hug her as well, since we had just met that night. Again, though, she assumed rapport, and we hugged. I then insisted on walking Amorita and Meniki back to their car. I brought up the creepy waiter incident, and played around with Meniki, saying that I would shield her from sight. It was an improvised game I came up with when I met a new friend last week - an instance of experience providing me with material, making an obvious difference.

I noticed that I was perfectly smooth, relaxed, and confident as I said goodbye. I hugged Meniki, while telling her to have a good time in Vegas next week. I hugged Amorita (actually, for the first time ever), while telling her I'd see her next weekend. I told them to drive safe, and one of the best nights of my life was coming to a close.

On the way back to my car, I felt overjoyed. It was an indescribable feeling of happiness, beyond anything I've ever felt or could have imagined.

I realized that I had hugged five people that night. I had experienced affection from five people who I would never have known without the mission. I would have been completely oblivious to their existence had I not spent hours browsing the craigslist 'strictly platonic' section last summer, determined to make friends and turn my life around. Finally, I felt as if I no longer needed to struggle. I had achieved a sense of peace.

It's the kind of thing you have to actually experience before you have any idea at all what you've been missing.

Online Friend Meeting #5

If my math is right, I've now met up with exactly 31 people after talking to them on the Internet. It's a heck of a lot easier to find people with romantic interest than people who just want to be friends, so an overwhelming majority of those - 26 out of 31 - have been dates.

I've talked a lot about the dates, but if you haven't been reading all along, you may be wondering - what about the platonic hookups?

I ended up becoming great friends with the first. She was actually the first person I ever met on my mission, back on August 9, 2007. On August 9, 2008, I sent her a text message, saying Happy Anniversary. At first she didn't know what I was talking about, but the date was extremely significant for me. After all, she alone comprised 50% of my friend base until recently. I hung out with her until the wee hours of last Friday night, and I marveled at how great it was to spend time with her. With where I've come from, I know I'll never take a friendship for granted.

The second one was a one-and-done. We had exchanged long e-mails all summer, but that ended up just seeming like a waste. I sent her an e-mail after our Starbucks meetup, and she had almost nothing to say. Then I e-mailed one more time to say hello, and never heard from her again. We're "friends" on facebook, but that couldn't be more meaningless.

The third one was amazing. For the first time ever, I had managed to be myself with someone. No if's, and's, or but's about it. She apparently didn't want to be friends (her loss), because I texted her twice afterwards, and never heard from her again.

The fourth was recent, and worked out well. I wasn't really myself the day we met, but she's super sweet and liked me just the same. We've already hung out twice since then, and have been keeping in touch. I'm now completely comfortable with her.

And then came today.

Last spring on match.com, I'd started talking to a girl who lived in another part of the country, but who had been planning to move to my area this summer. I told her that I was done with match.com, but would love to be friends after she moved to town. She responded enthusiastically, and we exchanged e-mails for the last several months to keep in touch. Finally, she was here.

We became facebook friends before meeting up, and from her profile, I learned that we had a lot of stuff in common that we'd never talked about over e-mail. That was good - plenty of conversation topics to keep in mind.

I felt a little anxious in the time leading up to our first meeting. I was very tired from having gotten little sleep (partly due to my new nightclub addiction) last night, so that worried me a little. More so than that, though, I just wanted it to go well. I hadn't met anyone new in almost a month, so I wondered briefly if I'd be a little rusty. Rusty is not what I wanted to be - I really liked this person, and wanted nothing more than to continue our friendship off-line.

One interesting note is that this girl is attractive. Very much so. Now, I point this out because it's actually relevant. I liked her very much as a person, plus she was attractive. Combine that with the fact that we originally had mutual romantic interest (presumably) in each other while communicating through a dating site, and you can't help but wonder - how could I not be interested in dating her, and vice versa?

I didn't want to date her. With the way all of my dates have turned out, it never seemed to be worth the risk of missing out on a new friendship - something that would last. I decided that, no matter what, I would only be friends with her. Even if she ended up being madly in love with me, I would still only be friends with her! No exceptions. I didn't want to add to any anxiety by allowing for even the remote possibility of romance, like I ended up doing in the date-to-friend experiment. Before I asked her to meet up, I made sure to mention that I was currently dating someone (at the time, I was!) so that there would be no question.

But I digress.

Instead of the usual Starbucks, I suggested that we hang out and play some pool - just like that third time when I'd managed to be myself.

I saw her standing outside, and she looked remarkably like her online photos. Besides that, I didn't do much more analysis. It's always fascinating to meet people after talking to them online for a long time, and so it's easy to get caught up thinking about how similar or different something is from what you imagined, but I had planned to avoid that. Instead, I just stayed present. Yep - you know the drill.

We made some smalltalk as we walked inside the pool hall and went up to the bar. She ordered a Shirley Temple, and when the bartender asked for my order, I asked for milk. Skim milk, to be exact. It was a joke that I'd mentioned to (lets call her) Cathy over e-mail, but she didn't laugh. It might not have been very funny, but it's definitely something I would have been too inhibited to have done months ago.

Then, without sitting down to drink, we started playing pool. I had expected to sit and chat for a while, but instead, we just got right to the game. A couple that sounded like they were on a first date was playing directly next to us, and I noticed they were doing a lot more talking than we were. I had plenty of conversation topics in mind, but I didn't have a good feel for how to talk about anything at length while playing pool at the same time. I only asked a question here and there, but didn't worry about it, because she was doing the same - probably a little less.

After the first game or so, I thought to myself - I'm sure glad this isn't a date. If it were, I'd be very worried right about now, because this would be pretty bad.

But it wasn't a date. I saw her checking out the Olympics on TV, and made some conversation about it, and a little more about some other things. Before long, I was getting pretty comfortable, and started making lots of jokes and humorous comments about the pool game. We were both terrible.

After the first couple games or so, I realized that we were actually playing together pretty darn well. No, not playing as in playing the game of pool. I'm talking about play in general - our interaction with each other. We weren't really having a conversation about anything, but we were constantly making fun of each other's skills; I celebrated a lucky shot by raising my hands in the air victoriously; I mockingly offered her a high-five, which she rejected; we improvised a bowling game, with her rolling billiard balls toward the triangle, which I lifted to catch the ball; I mocked her "gutter balls" in that game; I danced a little to a song she pointed out to me; stuff like that. For my part, I was really starting to be myself again.

That said, I wasn't perfect. I bumbled a few sentences, but I still do a little of that even with the first friend I made over a year ago, so I knew not to worry much about it.

After about 2 hours and 6 or 7 games of pool, she said she needed to head home and get changed for Church. It was 3:45 and Mass was at 5:30, so I wasn't sure if maybe the development was a negative one, but I stayed present instead of analyzing.

As we walked outside, I accidentally stepped on the back of her shoe. I apologized and had the reflex of touching her gently on the back at the same time. A mere nuance, but I realized my comfort with physically touching people (women in particular) had developed only recently with my time spent in crowded nightclubs.

Outside, she spotted a teaching assistant from her school who she apparently despised, so she tried to move where she couldn't be seen. Without any forethought, I playfully put my hands up and moved sideways in front of her as she walked in effort to hide her.

It was time to part ways. I made a little more conversation, but bumbled a sentence asking about her middle name - drat! A couple of sentences later, she said something like "Well this was fun. I'm glad we met. You have my e-mail and phone number, so if you want to hang out again..." Somewhere during that speech, I said the word yeah, and afterwards, I said "Talk to you later."
She said to have a safe trip home, and I said "you too."

Overall, I think it was pretty good. The only thing that really bothers me is the occasional bumbled sentence, but I'm okay with it because I don't think it ought to matter - especially not in a strictly platonic interaction like this one.

Nothing would make me happier than to continue being friends with her. Really - I care a lot more about that than any dating, and you know how strongly I've felt about that stuff at times.
I'm pretty comfortable with her already, and I'm sure I'll only get more and more so when we hang out again.

Finally, I have some plans. There has been a total breakdown in the dating world - I can't seem to even find anyone I'm interested in online right now - so I am shifting the mission to some new strategies.

Actually, what I have in mind isn't entirely new. When I wrote up my initial plans, an important strategy was to branch out from the friends that I made. Simply put, I was going to make friends with friends of my new friends. I ended up meeting a few "friends of a friend" at a party, but I didn't manage to make connections with any of them.

Now, I have a couple new opportunities. (It's so awkward writing this stuff without telling you these people's names - lets call the first friend I made Amorita). Amorita is having 2 birthday parties in the next couple of weeks. I'll go to both, and simply try to play with some of her other friends, hopefully making a connection or two.

I also have a more ambitious idea. I'm religious, but don't regularly attend Church - I've only been twice in the past 10 years or more - but Cathy mentioned something about a young adult group at her church, and it got me thinking. I didn't mention it last year, but one of my original ideas for meeting new people was to join a church. I'm thinking that maybe I will ask Cathy about joining her church, which she must still be relatively new to, and attends regularly with another friend. In exchange for a new commitment, I'd be gaining a wonderful opportunity to do a lot of branching out in Year 2 of the mission.

No hurry on that. In the meantime, I want to try something else new: So far, none of my friends have met each other. I'm planning to invite Cathy to come with me to Amorita's party at a nightclub the week after next. If she accepts, it'll be interesting, and a whole lot of fun.

Dance Dance Revolution

After the amazing time I had at the nightclub last weekend, I was dying to go back. I kept thinking about it, and by Monday, I started planning to go back Friday so I would only have to wait a few more days. Then I decided to go out to clubs on both Friday and Saturday! I looked forward to it all week, but it wasn't distracting. I was more focused at work than I had been in months, perhaps partly because I was happy about making definite progress with the mission, yet free from any of the usual concerns - having to make a phone call after a date, wondering if there would be another, and all of that.

Friday night, I ended up at the same club as last week, after trying another place that was almost empty. To my surprise, the club was a lot different this time. The music was almost entirely different - mostly rap this time - and there wasn't much diversity in the crowd, but they were still mostly my age. The main dance floor felt a lot different this time without the exciting trance/techno music that people were jumping up and down to last time. People seemed to be moving a lot less, and I wondered if I would be able to defeat inhibition like I did less than a week ago.

That issue turned out to be entirely in my head. Soon, I decided that I was going to stay, I was going to have fun, and I was going to practice the skills I've been writing about.

I was going to stay in the moment, observe, and let go to follow my impulses.

It's dark inside these places. The last time I was there, though, I saw a guy making out with a beautiful girl. He looked very cool, and was wearing sunglasses. So during the week, I figured, why don't I wear sunglasses? Hey, if it worked for him....

I pulled my shades out of my pocket, put them on, and started dancing my way to a crowded spot on the floor.

Within minutes, I had let go of much of my self-consciousness and inhibition, and was back to dancing away. I tried to dance with some women, and it was pretty much the same as last week. For a while, it looked like I wasn't going to manage to do much dancing with a woman, but I was happy just to try.

I was dancing in a spot behind a group of girls - looking quite cool with my sunglasses - and I noticed that one of the girls facing me was trying to get her friend's attention. She was pointing at me! I inferred that she was trying to tell her friend that there was a good-looking guy to dance with behind her. She failed to get a response from her friend, and so, she took matters into her own.... "hands."

This girl was tall, and pretty attractive. She walked over in front of me, and started dancing. I'll keep the blog PG-13 and just tell you that she started grinding with me. It was pretty amazing - one of the items on my life's to-do list, and yet, it was so easy! The hard part would have been initiating it, and I didn't even have to do that part. I danced with her, but was a little reserved with the grinding since it was my first time.

I went back to dancing alone and, occasionally, gently putting my hand on a woman's waist after dancing behind her for a little while. I was having a bit of a problem with hesitation - it seemed to work out better for other guys when they didn't hesitate.

As it turned out, I didn't really have to do any initiating, other than as an exercise for building my courage and fighting inhibition. Another girl came up and started grinding with me as well. I wouldn't have been interested in her at all, but I wasn't going to reject anyone. Instead, I was just going to learn from the experience, and have fun! I modeled my dancing after a nearby couple, and it suffices to say we were all over each other. After a while, another, more attractive girl came up behind me and started rubbing herself on me from the other side! They had formed a man sandwich, with me as the meat. It was wild.

Doing the bump and grind with random women at a nightclub. Not the usual stuff you'd expect to hear from a shy person.

At this point, I can't label myself that way anymore. If you think like a confident person, act like a confident person, and do all the things that a confident person does.....what are you?
With this principle behind me, I went back out to a different nightclub less than 24 hours later.

When I got in line for the next club, a couple of ladies followed behind me. After a few minutes, one of them spoke to me - how was I doing tonight?

I'd already made the woeful mistake of not staying present. I'd just had an exchange involving a parking space, a conman, and a crack-head (that's American cities for you), and had been obsessively worrying about my car getting broken into. I brought my attention to the pair of ladies, but it really wasn't quite the same as having been present in the first place.

I made a little bit of conversation, asking about the club, and if they'd been to the other one, and stuff like that. Unfortunately, though, I was stiff - probably as a result of the distractions about my car. We were waiting in line together, so I should have kept the conversation going most of the time - or at least made an effort - instead of just making a comment or asking a question every now and then. The next time I'm in a situation like that, I have to stick to my strategies and make an all-out (yet relaxed!) effort.

I eventually convinced myself to let go of the worries about my car, and get back to staying present. I started moving my feet in a little dance as we neared the front of the line. I was loosening up, and it made a difference. The bouncer confiscated my gum, saying it was against the rules. He then took my wallet to search it, and without any conscious thought, I joked, "No wallets allowed either?" When he said have a good time, I told him to enjoy the gum.

It took me longer to get going in the club this time. The main dance floor wasn't open, and the smaller lobby didn't seem to have the same environment, with lots of people dancing with each other. I felt self-conscious at the thought of dancing in such a small area, without the massive crowd of people to blend into.

After an hour or so, I finally decided to put on my shades and get down to business.

When the main dance floor first opened up, it was sparsely populated, so I still had to deal with the self-consciousness. And soon after I got moving, I noticed a problem: I had managed to defy inhibition enough to dance, but not as loosely as I do in private.

It was as if I had lead in my shoes. The music was the same stuff I dance to at home, but I couldn't move as well! I felt a form of nervousness in my lower body that made it difficult for me to stay on beat. In the open floor, one girl came out to dance with me, and I accidentally bumped knees with her after a minute or so. It was pretty embarrassing, by normal standards, but I had the wherewithal to use it as practice in shrugging off mishaps - I quickly stopped thinking about it, and moved on.

At some point, I found the girl I had talked to while waiting in line. On the outside, I had told myself that I would find her and dance with her - just for the sport of it - and that's exactly what I was going to do. I saw her, dropped my thoughts, walked over and danced behind her. After it was clear that she was reciprocating and dancing with me, I gently put my right hand on her waist. It looked like we were going to have fun, but she soon turned around and said something to me. It was hard to hear, but it sounded something like "I'll dance with you, but don't hit on me!"

I wasn't sure if she was joking, or what she was thinking, but I took my hand away for a while. Then I put it back, and she seemed to move away. I couldn't tell what was going on - why would she think I was hitting on her, and why would she mind, anyway? - but I knew to just move on. Having spent some time with her earlier, it was a little harder this time: I felt odd, as if some incident had just happened with a friend.

It didn't matter, but I later realized one important thing. When someone says something like that to you....you have to play with them! You have to continue to interact. Just like in improv acting, everything that someone says or does in an interaction with you is an offer. I should have taken her "offer," in which she said something about me hitting on her, and used it to explore our interaction. I could have asked, "You think I'm hitting on you?" I could have joked, "Does this mean we're not getting married?" I could have said absolutely anything at all and it could have led to all sorts of things, while saying nothing and ending the interaction was a mistake. I have to work on the idea more, but I think it's going to be a very important concept in defeating inhibition. The nightclub is an absolutely perfect place to practice this skill. It's difficult to be self-conscious about anything in such a loud, crowded place, and it's easy to move on immediately and try it with hundreds or thousands of people you'll never see again.

Overall, I had a little more difficulty staying present and following my impulses this time. For example, there was a large group of hot Asian girls on the main dance floor. They were dancing with each other....all night! I wanted to merely try to dance with one of them, but I was downright intimidated. I kept thinking, trying to figure out the reason that they were dancing with each other instead of with guys, and wondering how they would react to me. I tried and tried again, but couldn't make myself interact with one of them. Since all I wanted to do was try, this was a pretty miserable failure.

The reason I've been writing about following impulses is that doing so prevents us from being hindered by logic and reasoning. Inhibition is the enemy, and logic and reasoning are two of its strongest weapons. I shouldn't have even hesitated when I had the impulse to dance with that group.

And finally, there was some glory. On the smaller dance floor, I was dancing and having a good time when a slim, attractive girl (okay....so I didn't actually see much of her face) came up and initiated the bump and grind with me. This time, I let go of everything. I made no attempt to hide my arousal (PG-13 - I'm trying), and we were both totally into it. I grabbed and held her around the waist and stomach with both hands, leaned onto her so closely that I could have kissed her, and, well, we freak danced. We stayed together through several songs, and I was amazed at how long it lasted. There weren't many other dancing couples in sight - let alone any as wild as us - so I felt extremely confident the whole time, knowing that I was doing what most other guys in the building were failing to do.

In retrospect, I know that the few problems I had that night were not too different from ones experienced by the average person. In a little over a year, I've come a long, long way from "Zero."