After the amazing time I had at the nightclub last weekend, I was dying to go back. I kept thinking about it, and by Monday, I started planning to go back Friday so I would only have to wait a few more days. Then I decided to go out to clubs on both Friday and Saturday! I looked forward to it all week, but it wasn't distracting. I was more focused at work than I had been in months, perhaps partly because I was happy about making definite progress with the mission, yet free from any of the usual concerns - having to make a phone call after a date, wondering if there would be another, and all of that.
Friday night, I ended up at the same club as last week, after trying another place that was almost empty. To my surprise, the club was a lot different this time. The music was almost entirely different - mostly rap this time - and there wasn't much diversity in the crowd, but they were still mostly my age. The main dance floor felt a lot different this time without the exciting trance/techno music that people were jumping up and down to last time. People seemed to be moving a lot less, and I wondered if I would be able to defeat inhibition like I did less than a week ago.
That issue turned out to be entirely in my head. Soon, I decided that I was going to stay, I was going to have fun, and I was going to practice the skills I've been writing about.
I was going to stay in the moment, observe, and let go to follow my impulses.
It's dark inside these places. The last time I was there, though, I saw a guy making out with a beautiful girl. He looked very cool, and was wearing sunglasses. So during the week, I figured, why don't I wear sunglasses? Hey, if it worked for him....
I pulled my shades out of my pocket, put them on, and started dancing my way to a crowded spot on the floor.
Within minutes, I had let go of much of my self-consciousness and inhibition, and was back to dancing away. I tried to dance with some women, and it was pretty much the same as last week. For a while, it looked like I wasn't going to manage to do much dancing with a woman, but I was happy just to try.
I was dancing in a spot behind a group of girls - looking quite cool with my sunglasses - and I noticed that one of the girls facing me was trying to get her friend's attention. She was pointing at me! I inferred that she was trying to tell her friend that there was a good-looking guy to dance with behind her. She failed to get a response from her friend, and so, she took matters into her own.... "hands."
This girl was tall, and pretty attractive. She walked over in front of me, and started dancing. I'll keep the blog PG-13 and just tell you that she started grinding with me. It was pretty amazing - one of the items on my life's to-do list, and yet, it was so easy! The hard part would have been initiating it, and I didn't even have to do that part. I danced with her, but was a little reserved with the grinding since it was my first time.
I went back to dancing alone and, occasionally, gently putting my hand on a woman's waist after dancing behind her for a little while. I was having a bit of a problem with hesitation - it seemed to work out better for other guys when they didn't hesitate.
As it turned out, I didn't really have to do any initiating, other than as an exercise for building my courage and fighting inhibition. Another girl came up and started grinding with me as well. I wouldn't have been interested in her at all, but I wasn't going to reject anyone. Instead, I was just going to learn from the experience, and have fun! I modeled my dancing after a nearby couple, and it suffices to say we were all over each other. After a while, another, more attractive girl came up behind me and started rubbing herself on me from the other side! They had formed a man sandwich, with me as the meat. It was wild.
Doing the bump and grind with random women at a nightclub. Not the usual stuff you'd expect to hear from a shy person.
At this point, I can't label myself that way anymore. If you think like a confident person, act like a confident person, and do all the things that a confident person does.....what are you?
With this principle behind me, I went back out to a different nightclub less than 24 hours later.
When I got in line for the next club, a couple of ladies followed behind me. After a few minutes, one of them spoke to me - how was I doing tonight?
I'd already made the woeful mistake of not staying present. I'd just had an exchange involving a parking space, a conman, and a crack-head (that's American cities for you), and had been obsessively worrying about my car getting broken into. I brought my attention to the pair of ladies, but it really wasn't quite the same as having been present in the first place.
I made a little bit of conversation, asking about the club, and if they'd been to the other one, and stuff like that. Unfortunately, though, I was stiff - probably as a result of the distractions about my car. We were waiting in line together, so I should have kept the conversation going most of the time - or at least made an effort - instead of just making a comment or asking a question every now and then. The next time I'm in a situation like that, I have to stick to my strategies and make an all-out (yet relaxed!) effort.
I eventually convinced myself to let go of the worries about my car, and get back to staying present. I started moving my feet in a little dance as we neared the front of the line. I was loosening up, and it made a difference. The bouncer confiscated my gum, saying it was against the rules. He then took my wallet to search it, and without any conscious thought, I joked, "No wallets allowed either?" When he said have a good time, I told him to enjoy the gum.
It took me longer to get going in the club this time. The main dance floor wasn't open, and the smaller lobby didn't seem to have the same environment, with lots of people dancing with each other. I felt self-conscious at the thought of dancing in such a small area, without the massive crowd of people to blend into.
After an hour or so, I finally decided to put on my shades and get down to business.
When the main dance floor first opened up, it was sparsely populated, so I still had to deal with the self-consciousness. And soon after I got moving, I noticed a problem: I had managed to defy inhibition enough to dance, but not as loosely as I do in private.
It was as if I had lead in my shoes. The music was the same stuff I dance to at home, but I couldn't move as well! I felt a form of nervousness in my lower body that made it difficult for me to stay on beat. In the open floor, one girl came out to dance with me, and I accidentally bumped knees with her after a minute or so. It was pretty embarrassing, by normal standards, but I had the wherewithal to use it as practice in shrugging off mishaps - I quickly stopped thinking about it, and moved on.
At some point, I found the girl I had talked to while waiting in line. On the outside, I had told myself that I would find her and dance with her - just for the sport of it - and that's exactly what I was going to do. I saw her, dropped my thoughts, walked over and danced behind her. After it was clear that she was reciprocating and dancing with me, I gently put my right hand on her waist. It looked like we were going to have fun, but she soon turned around and said something to me. It was hard to hear, but it sounded something like "I'll dance with you, but don't hit on me!"
I wasn't sure if she was joking, or what she was thinking, but I took my hand away for a while. Then I put it back, and she seemed to move away. I couldn't tell what was going on - why would she think I was hitting on her, and why would she mind, anyway? - but I knew to just move on. Having spent some time with her earlier, it was a little harder this time: I felt odd, as if some incident had just happened with a friend.
It didn't matter, but I later realized one important thing. When someone says something like that to you....you have to play with them! You have to continue to interact. Just like in improv acting, everything that someone says or does in an interaction with you is an offer. I should have taken her "offer," in which she said something about me hitting on her, and used it to explore our interaction. I could have asked, "You think I'm hitting on you?" I could have joked, "Does this mean we're not getting married?" I could have said absolutely anything at all and it could have led to all sorts of things, while saying nothing and ending the interaction was a mistake. I have to work on the idea more, but I think it's going to be a very important concept in defeating inhibition. The nightclub is an absolutely perfect place to practice this skill. It's difficult to be self-conscious about anything in such a loud, crowded place, and it's easy to move on immediately and try it with hundreds or thousands of people you'll never see again.
Overall, I had a little more difficulty staying present and following my impulses this time. For example, there was a large group of hot Asian girls on the main dance floor. They were dancing with each other....all night! I wanted to merely try to dance with one of them, but I was downright intimidated. I kept thinking, trying to figure out the reason that they were dancing with each other instead of with guys, and wondering how they would react to me. I tried and tried again, but couldn't make myself interact with one of them. Since all I wanted to do was try, this was a pretty miserable failure.
The reason I've been writing about following impulses is that doing so prevents us from being hindered by logic and reasoning. Inhibition is the enemy, and logic and reasoning are two of its strongest weapons. I shouldn't have even hesitated when I had the impulse to dance with that group.
And finally, there was some glory. On the smaller dance floor, I was dancing and having a good time when a slim, attractive girl (okay....so I didn't actually see much of her face) came up and initiated the bump and grind with me. This time, I let go of everything. I made no attempt to hide my arousal (PG-13 - I'm trying), and we were both totally into it. I grabbed and held her around the waist and stomach with both hands, leaned onto her so closely that I could have kissed her, and, well, we freak danced. We stayed together through several songs, and I was amazed at how long it lasted. There weren't many other dancing couples in sight - let alone any as wild as us - so I felt extremely confident the whole time, knowing that I was doing what most other guys in the building were failing to do.
In retrospect, I know that the few problems I had that night were not too different from ones experienced by the average person. In a little over a year, I've come a long, long way from "Zero."
Friday night, I ended up at the same club as last week, after trying another place that was almost empty. To my surprise, the club was a lot different this time. The music was almost entirely different - mostly rap this time - and there wasn't much diversity in the crowd, but they were still mostly my age. The main dance floor felt a lot different this time without the exciting trance/techno music that people were jumping up and down to last time. People seemed to be moving a lot less, and I wondered if I would be able to defeat inhibition like I did less than a week ago.
That issue turned out to be entirely in my head. Soon, I decided that I was going to stay, I was going to have fun, and I was going to practice the skills I've been writing about.
I was going to stay in the moment, observe, and let go to follow my impulses.
It's dark inside these places. The last time I was there, though, I saw a guy making out with a beautiful girl. He looked very cool, and was wearing sunglasses. So during the week, I figured, why don't I wear sunglasses? Hey, if it worked for him....
I pulled my shades out of my pocket, put them on, and started dancing my way to a crowded spot on the floor.
Within minutes, I had let go of much of my self-consciousness and inhibition, and was back to dancing away. I tried to dance with some women, and it was pretty much the same as last week. For a while, it looked like I wasn't going to manage to do much dancing with a woman, but I was happy just to try.
I was dancing in a spot behind a group of girls - looking quite cool with my sunglasses - and I noticed that one of the girls facing me was trying to get her friend's attention. She was pointing at me! I inferred that she was trying to tell her friend that there was a good-looking guy to dance with behind her. She failed to get a response from her friend, and so, she took matters into her own.... "hands."
This girl was tall, and pretty attractive. She walked over in front of me, and started dancing. I'll keep the blog PG-13 and just tell you that she started grinding with me. It was pretty amazing - one of the items on my life's to-do list, and yet, it was so easy! The hard part would have been initiating it, and I didn't even have to do that part. I danced with her, but was a little reserved with the grinding since it was my first time.
I went back to dancing alone and, occasionally, gently putting my hand on a woman's waist after dancing behind her for a little while. I was having a bit of a problem with hesitation - it seemed to work out better for other guys when they didn't hesitate.
As it turned out, I didn't really have to do any initiating, other than as an exercise for building my courage and fighting inhibition. Another girl came up and started grinding with me as well. I wouldn't have been interested in her at all, but I wasn't going to reject anyone. Instead, I was just going to learn from the experience, and have fun! I modeled my dancing after a nearby couple, and it suffices to say we were all over each other. After a while, another, more attractive girl came up behind me and started rubbing herself on me from the other side! They had formed a man sandwich, with me as the meat. It was wild.
Doing the bump and grind with random women at a nightclub. Not the usual stuff you'd expect to hear from a shy person.
At this point, I can't label myself that way anymore. If you think like a confident person, act like a confident person, and do all the things that a confident person does.....what are you?
With this principle behind me, I went back out to a different nightclub less than 24 hours later.
When I got in line for the next club, a couple of ladies followed behind me. After a few minutes, one of them spoke to me - how was I doing tonight?
I'd already made the woeful mistake of not staying present. I'd just had an exchange involving a parking space, a conman, and a crack-head (that's American cities for you), and had been obsessively worrying about my car getting broken into. I brought my attention to the pair of ladies, but it really wasn't quite the same as having been present in the first place.
I made a little bit of conversation, asking about the club, and if they'd been to the other one, and stuff like that. Unfortunately, though, I was stiff - probably as a result of the distractions about my car. We were waiting in line together, so I should have kept the conversation going most of the time - or at least made an effort - instead of just making a comment or asking a question every now and then. The next time I'm in a situation like that, I have to stick to my strategies and make an all-out (yet relaxed!) effort.
I eventually convinced myself to let go of the worries about my car, and get back to staying present. I started moving my feet in a little dance as we neared the front of the line. I was loosening up, and it made a difference. The bouncer confiscated my gum, saying it was against the rules. He then took my wallet to search it, and without any conscious thought, I joked, "No wallets allowed either?" When he said have a good time, I told him to enjoy the gum.
It took me longer to get going in the club this time. The main dance floor wasn't open, and the smaller lobby didn't seem to have the same environment, with lots of people dancing with each other. I felt self-conscious at the thought of dancing in such a small area, without the massive crowd of people to blend into.
After an hour or so, I finally decided to put on my shades and get down to business.
When the main dance floor first opened up, it was sparsely populated, so I still had to deal with the self-consciousness. And soon after I got moving, I noticed a problem: I had managed to defy inhibition enough to dance, but not as loosely as I do in private.
It was as if I had lead in my shoes. The music was the same stuff I dance to at home, but I couldn't move as well! I felt a form of nervousness in my lower body that made it difficult for me to stay on beat. In the open floor, one girl came out to dance with me, and I accidentally bumped knees with her after a minute or so. It was pretty embarrassing, by normal standards, but I had the wherewithal to use it as practice in shrugging off mishaps - I quickly stopped thinking about it, and moved on.
At some point, I found the girl I had talked to while waiting in line. On the outside, I had told myself that I would find her and dance with her - just for the sport of it - and that's exactly what I was going to do. I saw her, dropped my thoughts, walked over and danced behind her. After it was clear that she was reciprocating and dancing with me, I gently put my right hand on her waist. It looked like we were going to have fun, but she soon turned around and said something to me. It was hard to hear, but it sounded something like "I'll dance with you, but don't hit on me!"
I wasn't sure if she was joking, or what she was thinking, but I took my hand away for a while. Then I put it back, and she seemed to move away. I couldn't tell what was going on - why would she think I was hitting on her, and why would she mind, anyway? - but I knew to just move on. Having spent some time with her earlier, it was a little harder this time: I felt odd, as if some incident had just happened with a friend.
It didn't matter, but I later realized one important thing. When someone says something like that to you....you have to play with them! You have to continue to interact. Just like in improv acting, everything that someone says or does in an interaction with you is an offer. I should have taken her "offer," in which she said something about me hitting on her, and used it to explore our interaction. I could have asked, "You think I'm hitting on you?" I could have joked, "Does this mean we're not getting married?" I could have said absolutely anything at all and it could have led to all sorts of things, while saying nothing and ending the interaction was a mistake. I have to work on the idea more, but I think it's going to be a very important concept in defeating inhibition. The nightclub is an absolutely perfect place to practice this skill. It's difficult to be self-conscious about anything in such a loud, crowded place, and it's easy to move on immediately and try it with hundreds or thousands of people you'll never see again.
Overall, I had a little more difficulty staying present and following my impulses this time. For example, there was a large group of hot Asian girls on the main dance floor. They were dancing with each other....all night! I wanted to merely try to dance with one of them, but I was downright intimidated. I kept thinking, trying to figure out the reason that they were dancing with each other instead of with guys, and wondering how they would react to me. I tried and tried again, but couldn't make myself interact with one of them. Since all I wanted to do was try, this was a pretty miserable failure.
The reason I've been writing about following impulses is that doing so prevents us from being hindered by logic and reasoning. Inhibition is the enemy, and logic and reasoning are two of its strongest weapons. I shouldn't have even hesitated when I had the impulse to dance with that group.
And finally, there was some glory. On the smaller dance floor, I was dancing and having a good time when a slim, attractive girl (okay....so I didn't actually see much of her face) came up and initiated the bump and grind with me. This time, I let go of everything. I made no attempt to hide my arousal (PG-13 - I'm trying), and we were both totally into it. I grabbed and held her around the waist and stomach with both hands, leaned onto her so closely that I could have kissed her, and, well, we freak danced. We stayed together through several songs, and I was amazed at how long it lasted. There weren't many other dancing couples in sight - let alone any as wild as us - so I felt extremely confident the whole time, knowing that I was doing what most other guys in the building were failing to do.
In retrospect, I know that the few problems I had that night were not too different from ones experienced by the average person. In a little over a year, I've come a long, long way from "Zero."
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