If my math is right, I've now met up with exactly 31 people after talking to them on the Internet. It's a heck of a lot easier to find people with romantic interest than people who just want to be friends, so an overwhelming majority of those - 26 out of 31 - have been dates.
I've talked a lot about the dates, but if you haven't been reading all along, you may be wondering - what about the platonic hookups?
I ended up becoming great friends with the first. She was actually the first person I ever met on my mission, back on August 9, 2007. On August 9, 2008, I sent her a text message, saying Happy Anniversary. At first she didn't know what I was talking about, but the date was extremely significant for me. After all, she alone comprised 50% of my friend base until recently. I hung out with her until the wee hours of last Friday night, and I marveled at how great it was to spend time with her. With where I've come from, I know I'll never take a friendship for granted.
The second one was a one-and-done. We had exchanged long e-mails all summer, but that ended up just seeming like a waste. I sent her an e-mail after our Starbucks meetup, and she had almost nothing to say. Then I e-mailed one more time to say hello, and never heard from her again. We're "friends" on facebook, but that couldn't be more meaningless.
The third one was amazing. For the first time ever, I had managed to be myself with someone. No if's, and's, or but's about it. She apparently didn't want to be friends (her loss), because I texted her twice afterwards, and never heard from her again.
The fourth was recent, and worked out well. I wasn't really myself the day we met, but she's super sweet and liked me just the same. We've already hung out twice since then, and have been keeping in touch. I'm now completely comfortable with her.
And then came today.
Last spring on match.com, I'd started talking to a girl who lived in another part of the country, but who had been planning to move to my area this summer. I told her that I was done with match.com, but would love to be friends after she moved to town. She responded enthusiastically, and we exchanged e-mails for the last several months to keep in touch. Finally, she was here.
We became facebook friends before meeting up, and from her profile, I learned that we had a lot of stuff in common that we'd never talked about over e-mail. That was good - plenty of conversation topics to keep in mind.
I felt a little anxious in the time leading up to our first meeting. I was very tired from having gotten little sleep (partly due to my new nightclub addiction) last night, so that worried me a little. More so than that, though, I just wanted it to go well. I hadn't met anyone new in almost a month, so I wondered briefly if I'd be a little rusty. Rusty is not what I wanted to be - I really liked this person, and wanted nothing more than to continue our friendship off-line.
One interesting note is that this girl is attractive. Very much so. Now, I point this out because it's actually relevant. I liked her very much as a person, plus she was attractive. Combine that with the fact that we originally had mutual romantic interest (presumably) in each other while communicating through a dating site, and you can't help but wonder - how could I not be interested in dating her, and vice versa?
I didn't want to date her. With the way all of my dates have turned out, it never seemed to be worth the risk of missing out on a new friendship - something that would last. I decided that, no matter what, I would only be friends with her. Even if she ended up being madly in love with me, I would still only be friends with her! No exceptions. I didn't want to add to any anxiety by allowing for even the remote possibility of romance, like I ended up doing in the date-to-friend experiment. Before I asked her to meet up, I made sure to mention that I was currently dating someone (at the time, I was!) so that there would be no question.
But I digress.
Instead of the usual Starbucks, I suggested that we hang out and play some pool - just like that third time when I'd managed to be myself.
I saw her standing outside, and she looked remarkably like her online photos. Besides that, I didn't do much more analysis. It's always fascinating to meet people after talking to them online for a long time, and so it's easy to get caught up thinking about how similar or different something is from what you imagined, but I had planned to avoid that. Instead, I just stayed present. Yep - you know the drill.
We made some smalltalk as we walked inside the pool hall and went up to the bar. She ordered a Shirley Temple, and when the bartender asked for my order, I asked for milk. Skim milk, to be exact. It was a joke that I'd mentioned to (lets call her) Cathy over e-mail, but she didn't laugh. It might not have been very funny, but it's definitely something I would have been too inhibited to have done months ago.
Then, without sitting down to drink, we started playing pool. I had expected to sit and chat for a while, but instead, we just got right to the game. A couple that sounded like they were on a first date was playing directly next to us, and I noticed they were doing a lot more talking than we were. I had plenty of conversation topics in mind, but I didn't have a good feel for how to talk about anything at length while playing pool at the same time. I only asked a question here and there, but didn't worry about it, because she was doing the same - probably a little less.
After the first game or so, I thought to myself - I'm sure glad this isn't a date. If it were, I'd be very worried right about now, because this would be pretty bad.
But it wasn't a date. I saw her checking out the Olympics on TV, and made some conversation about it, and a little more about some other things. Before long, I was getting pretty comfortable, and started making lots of jokes and humorous comments about the pool game. We were both terrible.
After the first couple games or so, I realized that we were actually playing together pretty darn well. No, not playing as in playing the game of pool. I'm talking about play in general - our interaction with each other. We weren't really having a conversation about anything, but we were constantly making fun of each other's skills; I celebrated a lucky shot by raising my hands in the air victoriously; I mockingly offered her a high-five, which she rejected; we improvised a bowling game, with her rolling billiard balls toward the triangle, which I lifted to catch the ball; I mocked her "gutter balls" in that game; I danced a little to a song she pointed out to me; stuff like that. For my part, I was really starting to be myself again.
That said, I wasn't perfect. I bumbled a few sentences, but I still do a little of that even with the first friend I made over a year ago, so I knew not to worry much about it.
After about 2 hours and 6 or 7 games of pool, she said she needed to head home and get changed for Church. It was 3:45 and Mass was at 5:30, so I wasn't sure if maybe the development was a negative one, but I stayed present instead of analyzing.
As we walked outside, I accidentally stepped on the back of her shoe. I apologized and had the reflex of touching her gently on the back at the same time. A mere nuance, but I realized my comfort with physically touching people (women in particular) had developed only recently with my time spent in crowded nightclubs.
Outside, she spotted a teaching assistant from her school who she apparently despised, so she tried to move where she couldn't be seen. Without any forethought, I playfully put my hands up and moved sideways in front of her as she walked in effort to hide her.
It was time to part ways. I made a little more conversation, but bumbled a sentence asking about her middle name - drat! A couple of sentences later, she said something like "Well this was fun. I'm glad we met. You have my e-mail and phone number, so if you want to hang out again..." Somewhere during that speech, I said the word yeah, and afterwards, I said "Talk to you later."
She said to have a safe trip home, and I said "you too."
Overall, I think it was pretty good. The only thing that really bothers me is the occasional bumbled sentence, but I'm okay with it because I don't think it ought to matter - especially not in a strictly platonic interaction like this one.
Nothing would make me happier than to continue being friends with her. Really - I care a lot more about that than any dating, and you know how strongly I've felt about that stuff at times.
I'm pretty comfortable with her already, and I'm sure I'll only get more and more so when we hang out again.
Finally, I have some plans. There has been a total breakdown in the dating world - I can't seem to even find anyone I'm interested in online right now - so I am shifting the mission to some new strategies.
Actually, what I have in mind isn't entirely new. When I wrote up my initial plans, an important strategy was to branch out from the friends that I made. Simply put, I was going to make friends with friends of my new friends. I ended up meeting a few "friends of a friend" at a party, but I didn't manage to make connections with any of them.
Now, I have a couple new opportunities. (It's so awkward writing this stuff without telling you these people's names - lets call the first friend I made Amorita). Amorita is having 2 birthday parties in the next couple of weeks. I'll go to both, and simply try to play with some of her other friends, hopefully making a connection or two.
I also have a more ambitious idea. I'm religious, but don't regularly attend Church - I've only been twice in the past 10 years or more - but Cathy mentioned something about a young adult group at her church, and it got me thinking. I didn't mention it last year, but one of my original ideas for meeting new people was to join a church. I'm thinking that maybe I will ask Cathy about joining her church, which she must still be relatively new to, and attends regularly with another friend. In exchange for a new commitment, I'd be gaining a wonderful opportunity to do a lot of branching out in Year 2 of the mission.
No hurry on that. In the meantime, I want to try something else new: So far, none of my friends have met each other. I'm planning to invite Cathy to come with me to Amorita's party at a nightclub the week after next. If she accepts, it'll be interesting, and a whole lot of fun.
I've talked a lot about the dates, but if you haven't been reading all along, you may be wondering - what about the platonic hookups?
I ended up becoming great friends with the first. She was actually the first person I ever met on my mission, back on August 9, 2007. On August 9, 2008, I sent her a text message, saying Happy Anniversary. At first she didn't know what I was talking about, but the date was extremely significant for me. After all, she alone comprised 50% of my friend base until recently. I hung out with her until the wee hours of last Friday night, and I marveled at how great it was to spend time with her. With where I've come from, I know I'll never take a friendship for granted.
The second one was a one-and-done. We had exchanged long e-mails all summer, but that ended up just seeming like a waste. I sent her an e-mail after our Starbucks meetup, and she had almost nothing to say. Then I e-mailed one more time to say hello, and never heard from her again. We're "friends" on facebook, but that couldn't be more meaningless.
The third one was amazing. For the first time ever, I had managed to be myself with someone. No if's, and's, or but's about it. She apparently didn't want to be friends (her loss), because I texted her twice afterwards, and never heard from her again.
The fourth was recent, and worked out well. I wasn't really myself the day we met, but she's super sweet and liked me just the same. We've already hung out twice since then, and have been keeping in touch. I'm now completely comfortable with her.
And then came today.
Last spring on match.com, I'd started talking to a girl who lived in another part of the country, but who had been planning to move to my area this summer. I told her that I was done with match.com, but would love to be friends after she moved to town. She responded enthusiastically, and we exchanged e-mails for the last several months to keep in touch. Finally, she was here.
We became facebook friends before meeting up, and from her profile, I learned that we had a lot of stuff in common that we'd never talked about over e-mail. That was good - plenty of conversation topics to keep in mind.
I felt a little anxious in the time leading up to our first meeting. I was very tired from having gotten little sleep (partly due to my new nightclub addiction) last night, so that worried me a little. More so than that, though, I just wanted it to go well. I hadn't met anyone new in almost a month, so I wondered briefly if I'd be a little rusty. Rusty is not what I wanted to be - I really liked this person, and wanted nothing more than to continue our friendship off-line.
One interesting note is that this girl is attractive. Very much so. Now, I point this out because it's actually relevant. I liked her very much as a person, plus she was attractive. Combine that with the fact that we originally had mutual romantic interest (presumably) in each other while communicating through a dating site, and you can't help but wonder - how could I not be interested in dating her, and vice versa?
I didn't want to date her. With the way all of my dates have turned out, it never seemed to be worth the risk of missing out on a new friendship - something that would last. I decided that, no matter what, I would only be friends with her. Even if she ended up being madly in love with me, I would still only be friends with her! No exceptions. I didn't want to add to any anxiety by allowing for even the remote possibility of romance, like I ended up doing in the date-to-friend experiment. Before I asked her to meet up, I made sure to mention that I was currently dating someone (at the time, I was!) so that there would be no question.
But I digress.
Instead of the usual Starbucks, I suggested that we hang out and play some pool - just like that third time when I'd managed to be myself.
I saw her standing outside, and she looked remarkably like her online photos. Besides that, I didn't do much more analysis. It's always fascinating to meet people after talking to them online for a long time, and so it's easy to get caught up thinking about how similar or different something is from what you imagined, but I had planned to avoid that. Instead, I just stayed present. Yep - you know the drill.
We made some smalltalk as we walked inside the pool hall and went up to the bar. She ordered a Shirley Temple, and when the bartender asked for my order, I asked for milk. Skim milk, to be exact. It was a joke that I'd mentioned to (lets call her) Cathy over e-mail, but she didn't laugh. It might not have been very funny, but it's definitely something I would have been too inhibited to have done months ago.
Then, without sitting down to drink, we started playing pool. I had expected to sit and chat for a while, but instead, we just got right to the game. A couple that sounded like they were on a first date was playing directly next to us, and I noticed they were doing a lot more talking than we were. I had plenty of conversation topics in mind, but I didn't have a good feel for how to talk about anything at length while playing pool at the same time. I only asked a question here and there, but didn't worry about it, because she was doing the same - probably a little less.
After the first game or so, I thought to myself - I'm sure glad this isn't a date. If it were, I'd be very worried right about now, because this would be pretty bad.
But it wasn't a date. I saw her checking out the Olympics on TV, and made some conversation about it, and a little more about some other things. Before long, I was getting pretty comfortable, and started making lots of jokes and humorous comments about the pool game. We were both terrible.
After the first couple games or so, I realized that we were actually playing together pretty darn well. No, not playing as in playing the game of pool. I'm talking about play in general - our interaction with each other. We weren't really having a conversation about anything, but we were constantly making fun of each other's skills; I celebrated a lucky shot by raising my hands in the air victoriously; I mockingly offered her a high-five, which she rejected; we improvised a bowling game, with her rolling billiard balls toward the triangle, which I lifted to catch the ball; I mocked her "gutter balls" in that game; I danced a little to a song she pointed out to me; stuff like that. For my part, I was really starting to be myself again.
That said, I wasn't perfect. I bumbled a few sentences, but I still do a little of that even with the first friend I made over a year ago, so I knew not to worry much about it.
After about 2 hours and 6 or 7 games of pool, she said she needed to head home and get changed for Church. It was 3:45 and Mass was at 5:30, so I wasn't sure if maybe the development was a negative one, but I stayed present instead of analyzing.
As we walked outside, I accidentally stepped on the back of her shoe. I apologized and had the reflex of touching her gently on the back at the same time. A mere nuance, but I realized my comfort with physically touching people (women in particular) had developed only recently with my time spent in crowded nightclubs.
Outside, she spotted a teaching assistant from her school who she apparently despised, so she tried to move where she couldn't be seen. Without any forethought, I playfully put my hands up and moved sideways in front of her as she walked in effort to hide her.
It was time to part ways. I made a little more conversation, but bumbled a sentence asking about her middle name - drat! A couple of sentences later, she said something like "Well this was fun. I'm glad we met. You have my e-mail and phone number, so if you want to hang out again..." Somewhere during that speech, I said the word yeah, and afterwards, I said "Talk to you later."
She said to have a safe trip home, and I said "you too."
Overall, I think it was pretty good. The only thing that really bothers me is the occasional bumbled sentence, but I'm okay with it because I don't think it ought to matter - especially not in a strictly platonic interaction like this one.
Nothing would make me happier than to continue being friends with her. Really - I care a lot more about that than any dating, and you know how strongly I've felt about that stuff at times.
I'm pretty comfortable with her already, and I'm sure I'll only get more and more so when we hang out again.
Finally, I have some plans. There has been a total breakdown in the dating world - I can't seem to even find anyone I'm interested in online right now - so I am shifting the mission to some new strategies.
Actually, what I have in mind isn't entirely new. When I wrote up my initial plans, an important strategy was to branch out from the friends that I made. Simply put, I was going to make friends with friends of my new friends. I ended up meeting a few "friends of a friend" at a party, but I didn't manage to make connections with any of them.
Now, I have a couple new opportunities. (It's so awkward writing this stuff without telling you these people's names - lets call the first friend I made Amorita). Amorita is having 2 birthday parties in the next couple of weeks. I'll go to both, and simply try to play with some of her other friends, hopefully making a connection or two.
I also have a more ambitious idea. I'm religious, but don't regularly attend Church - I've only been twice in the past 10 years or more - but Cathy mentioned something about a young adult group at her church, and it got me thinking. I didn't mention it last year, but one of my original ideas for meeting new people was to join a church. I'm thinking that maybe I will ask Cathy about joining her church, which she must still be relatively new to, and attends regularly with another friend. In exchange for a new commitment, I'd be gaining a wonderful opportunity to do a lot of branching out in Year 2 of the mission.
No hurry on that. In the meantime, I want to try something else new: So far, none of my friends have met each other. I'm planning to invite Cathy to come with me to Amorita's party at a nightclub the week after next. If she accepts, it'll be interesting, and a whole lot of fun.
1 comment:
An update... I e-mailed Cathy, inviting her to the party, and she responded quickly. The really cool thing is that when we met, we both seemed to have the same personalities as we did online. We're still friends after hanging out - nothing has changed! I got lucky this time: When I first saw her profile online, I didn't really know that we had much in common. After getting to know her, it's obvious that we're a lot alike... very cool!
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