The year before I started the mission, I thought about happiness. I tried to accept my situation, thinking that I was, at least at times, happy in spite of my severe lack of social contact. I reasoned that "happiness is happiness." In other words, if I'm at home alone watching a TV show that makes me laugh, I'm happy, right? It didn't really matter if I missed out on socializing, as long as I could find something that made me feel happy at the moment....right?
Wrong.
Last night, I realized that, before the mission, I was missing out on an entirely different kind of happiness. A kind that I simply could not imagine. The kind of thing you have to actually experience before you have any idea at all what you've been missing.
It was one of my first opportunities to try branching out, making connections with other friends of one of the two friends I've made since last year. Amorita invited me to her birthday party at a bar in the city.
This time, I didn't give it much forethought. When the night arrived, I simply went. None of the usual mental strategizing. I knew that I'd become quite close to Amorita, and I'm completely uninhibited when I'm with her. The idea was to see how I would feel being with both her and new people at the same time. After a year, it was hard to see how I could be shy or inhibited while with Amorita. Not only that, but it had also been over a month since I declared my inhibition dead, and outside of the office, it had failed to rear its ugly head since.
I read the wrong time on the invitation, and showed up to the bar half an hour early. I called Amorita, and it turned out she was across the street, eating dinner with one of her other friends. She suggested that I come sit with them. It would be my first test.
I had met her best friend Meniki, a beautiful, intelligent, mature Sri Lankan girl, once before at a party. When Amorita flagged me down as I passed by, I went over and greeted them both, without any forethought. I took a seat and continued without conscious thought, asking what was up, and what they'd been up to.
It didn't take long for me to see that I was myself. I joked and teased with Amorita as we usually do, and Meniki's presence didn't make a bit of difference. I felt better and better as I warmed up, and felt smooth, calm, and confident. This state of mind was reflected in my tone of voice.
We were sitting outside, where a man selling roses passed by our table. I had an impulse buy one for Amorita, since she had just mentioned that we were celebrating her birthday (a week and a half early). I motioned for the vendor to come over, and asked for an orange rose. He pulled out two, which was even better. After I bought them, I smoothly said, "Ladies..." and gave each of my friends a rose.
The three of us noticed the waiter looking extremely irritated after shattering a glass at one of the other tables. When he came by to check on us, Amorita tried to cheer him up by starting a conversation. He (a pretty creepy guy) responded by standing next to our table ceaselessly, even with major lulls in the conversation. He mentioned that his birthday was the day after mine, and I immediately raised my hand to give him a high-five. When I'm myself, I have impulses to do these things, and I now follow them - usually without any forethought whatsoever.
For some reason, Meniki invited the creepy waiter to hang out with us at the party later on, though soon regretted it. When he finally left us alone, it gave me a chance to interact with her a lot more. I joked with her about adding fuel to the fire started by Amorita in getting the waiter interested in them, and the three of us tried to figure out the best metaphor to describe the situation. This continued after the waiter asked whether Meniki was single, and the whole situation gave me a great opportunity to joke around. It may just be the nature of my real personality, but here in the blog, we've seen that teasing and joking around is invariably what helps me to relax and be myself. It is my self.
When the time came to meet more of Amorita's friends across the street, I deliberately retained my calm state of mind. I planned to just go with the flow.
I could feel that my response to being introduced to the others was different than the way these things have felt at times when I was inhibited. Then, it usually felt as if I was following a script from memory, with the perfunctory "Nice to meet you." Last night, though, it seemed as if my actions and words were coming from my feelings instead of from my thoughts.
For starters, I stood upstairs at the televisions in front of the bar, with a few of my new acquaintances. I made some small talk, but it was hard to hear, and I could feel that I needed to warm up once again with them. Early on, I got isolated from the conversations (due to the loud music in the room), and started to get stuck going over thoughts in my head. I was determined not to fall victim to rumination, and instead forced myself to stay present whenever that happened. It took a few minutes, but I was able to do it.
Soon, things started to shape up. I got a chance to talk 1 on 1 with a girl (actually, these are all women around age 27, a few years older than me) named Liz, who works with Amorita. She commented on the blazing fast speed of one of the Olympians running on TV, and I followed my impulse to say, "Reminds me of myself!" She asked if I ran track and field, and I started joking around with her. I said something like, "Well....I ran on a track once." She said, "So you're a smartass."
It was the start of an interesting exchange. I know, of course, that her perception of me was completely at odds with the image of any shy person.
I continued joking around with her, instinctively pushing her buttons when I wanted to get a rise out of her, giving me the opportunity for some more kidding around. When I'm able to be myself like that, it's amazing how much joking I do, and how easily I do it.
Liz became frustrated with me at times that night, but mostly in a friendly, funny sort of way. The key concept that I observed from playing with her was rapport. In my research for the mission, I once came across a wonderful quote:
Wrong.
Last night, I realized that, before the mission, I was missing out on an entirely different kind of happiness. A kind that I simply could not imagine. The kind of thing you have to actually experience before you have any idea at all what you've been missing.
It was one of my first opportunities to try branching out, making connections with other friends of one of the two friends I've made since last year. Amorita invited me to her birthday party at a bar in the city.
This time, I didn't give it much forethought. When the night arrived, I simply went. None of the usual mental strategizing. I knew that I'd become quite close to Amorita, and I'm completely uninhibited when I'm with her. The idea was to see how I would feel being with both her and new people at the same time. After a year, it was hard to see how I could be shy or inhibited while with Amorita. Not only that, but it had also been over a month since I declared my inhibition dead, and outside of the office, it had failed to rear its ugly head since.
I read the wrong time on the invitation, and showed up to the bar half an hour early. I called Amorita, and it turned out she was across the street, eating dinner with one of her other friends. She suggested that I come sit with them. It would be my first test.
I had met her best friend Meniki, a beautiful, intelligent, mature Sri Lankan girl, once before at a party. When Amorita flagged me down as I passed by, I went over and greeted them both, without any forethought. I took a seat and continued without conscious thought, asking what was up, and what they'd been up to.
It didn't take long for me to see that I was myself. I joked and teased with Amorita as we usually do, and Meniki's presence didn't make a bit of difference. I felt better and better as I warmed up, and felt smooth, calm, and confident. This state of mind was reflected in my tone of voice.
We were sitting outside, where a man selling roses passed by our table. I had an impulse buy one for Amorita, since she had just mentioned that we were celebrating her birthday (a week and a half early). I motioned for the vendor to come over, and asked for an orange rose. He pulled out two, which was even better. After I bought them, I smoothly said, "Ladies..." and gave each of my friends a rose.
The three of us noticed the waiter looking extremely irritated after shattering a glass at one of the other tables. When he came by to check on us, Amorita tried to cheer him up by starting a conversation. He (a pretty creepy guy) responded by standing next to our table ceaselessly, even with major lulls in the conversation. He mentioned that his birthday was the day after mine, and I immediately raised my hand to give him a high-five. When I'm myself, I have impulses to do these things, and I now follow them - usually without any forethought whatsoever.
For some reason, Meniki invited the creepy waiter to hang out with us at the party later on, though soon regretted it. When he finally left us alone, it gave me a chance to interact with her a lot more. I joked with her about adding fuel to the fire started by Amorita in getting the waiter interested in them, and the three of us tried to figure out the best metaphor to describe the situation. This continued after the waiter asked whether Meniki was single, and the whole situation gave me a great opportunity to joke around. It may just be the nature of my real personality, but here in the blog, we've seen that teasing and joking around is invariably what helps me to relax and be myself. It is my self.
When the time came to meet more of Amorita's friends across the street, I deliberately retained my calm state of mind. I planned to just go with the flow.
I could feel that my response to being introduced to the others was different than the way these things have felt at times when I was inhibited. Then, it usually felt as if I was following a script from memory, with the perfunctory "Nice to meet you." Last night, though, it seemed as if my actions and words were coming from my feelings instead of from my thoughts.
For starters, I stood upstairs at the televisions in front of the bar, with a few of my new acquaintances. I made some small talk, but it was hard to hear, and I could feel that I needed to warm up once again with them. Early on, I got isolated from the conversations (due to the loud music in the room), and started to get stuck going over thoughts in my head. I was determined not to fall victim to rumination, and instead forced myself to stay present whenever that happened. It took a few minutes, but I was able to do it.
Soon, things started to shape up. I got a chance to talk 1 on 1 with a girl (actually, these are all women around age 27, a few years older than me) named Liz, who works with Amorita. She commented on the blazing fast speed of one of the Olympians running on TV, and I followed my impulse to say, "Reminds me of myself!" She asked if I ran track and field, and I started joking around with her. I said something like, "Well....I ran on a track once." She said, "So you're a smartass."
It was the start of an interesting exchange. I know, of course, that her perception of me was completely at odds with the image of any shy person.
I continued joking around with her, instinctively pushing her buttons when I wanted to get a rise out of her, giving me the opportunity for some more kidding around. When I'm able to be myself like that, it's amazing how much joking I do, and how easily I do it.
Liz became frustrated with me at times that night, but mostly in a friendly, funny sort of way. The key concept that I observed from playing with her was rapport. In my research for the mission, I once came across a wonderful quote:
"Usually the best way to break the ice with someone is to assume there never was any ice to begin with." -- Steve Pavlina
The point is that I had just met Liz. Only minutes after meeting this person, she was already calling me a smartass, and I was already joking around with her as if she were a close friend. I didn't treat her as a stranger, or as a "new person," and she behaved precisely the same way toward me. We completely ignored the fact that we had just met, and, without conscious thought, acted no differently than if we had been friends for years. It's assumed rapport, and it makes all the difference.
I was having a lot of fun. When the USA swimming team won the 4x100 relay, I raised my fist in victory, cheered loudly, and high-fived Liz and one of the other two girls I'd been chatting with.
I stayed and kept the three girls company for about an hour, and then finally headed over to the dance floor with the rest of the group.
It's here that I have to tell you that Amorita is absolutely amazing. When we first entered the bar, she was immediately talking to one of the security guards about something. At the time, I thought it was someone she already knew, but I was wrong. She had just started talking to him in that moment! Later, she found him and talked to him again, trying to cheer him up after some problem with management that made him want to quit his job.
Now, on the dance floor, I found Amorita dancing and talking with a group of very cool people that I didn't realize were with us. Soon, they were playing around, then even taking pictures together. I thought that they must have been friends that I didn't get introduced to, but at the end of the night I found out that she had just met them.
Lots of people are friendly and gregarious, but not to the extent of Amorita. I bring it up because I feel amazingly lucky to be friends with her, but also because she's the paradigm when it comes to social skills. I don't think anyone in the world makes friends faster or more easily, and it's all because she assumes rapport. My time spent with her the last year or so has been proof of Steve Pavlina's quote about breaking the ice.
What about me? It was my first time on a dance floor with a group of people that I knew. I felt better than ever! I danced and had a good time, free from inhibition. I danced, danced, and danced some more, even when not many others were dancing. At some point, I even ended up doing a little bump-and-grind with one of the girls. She had been hanging out with our group, but I had no idea whether or not she was with us. In a couple of hours, Amorita had made friends with so many new people that I just couldn't tell anymore.
I was following impulses. When Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance with Somebody was played, some of the people around me started singing along. With barely even a moment of hesitation, I joined in, and sang at the top of my lungs. Another first. No self-consciousness.
When the bar closed up, we headed next door to get some pizza. On the way out, the huge, 6'3, 300 pound security guard from the bar was standing by the door. He complimented (i.e., hit on) Menika, saying that she was wearing a nice dress, and that he liked her outfit. Despite his size, I didn't perceive him as an intimidating figure - especially after Amorita had made friends with him - and I had an impulse to speak to him. I said, pointing at myself playfully, "What about me? Do you like my outfit?"
He said, "Your outfit..... it's alright....yeah, I like it."
Nice guy. The point is to ignore any perceptions that suggest people won't want to play with you. Those perceptions are almost always deceitful, and they're one of the main weapons of the bane of shyness. You have to assume rapport.
There were a bunch of people, but I got the feeling that Meniki, Liz, and myself were among Amorita's closest friends, because we were the last ones together at the end of the night.
First, we walked Liz to her car. She asked me where I'd parked, and when I tried to make fun of myself for not remembering, she interpreted as me being a smartass again, and started to storm off. I cleared things up skillfully, without making it into anything at all serious.
I'd felt quite a bit tighter in the pizza shop, where I sat with two people who I didn't much interact with earlier at the bar. Now, though, I felt perfect with this small group, which consisted of 3 girls who I'd been at ease talking to 1-on-1 earlier. When I realized that I'd been calling Liz by the wrong name all night, I fessed up and joked a little bit about it. There was no inhibition.
At Liz's car, she first hugged Amorita, then Meniki. I wondered for a moment if it made since for me to hug her as well, since we had just met that night. Again, though, she assumed rapport, and we hugged. I then insisted on walking Amorita and Meniki back to their car. I brought up the creepy waiter incident, and played around with Meniki, saying that I would shield her from sight. It was an improvised game I came up with when I met a new friend last week - an instance of experience providing me with material, making an obvious difference.
I noticed that I was perfectly smooth, relaxed, and confident as I said goodbye. I hugged Meniki, while telling her to have a good time in Vegas next week. I hugged Amorita (actually, for the first time ever), while telling her I'd see her next weekend. I told them to drive safe, and one of the best nights of my life was coming to a close.
On the way back to my car, I felt overjoyed. It was an indescribable feeling of happiness, beyond anything I've ever felt or could have imagined.
I realized that I had hugged five people that night. I had experienced affection from five people who I would never have known without the mission. I would have been completely oblivious to their existence had I not spent hours browsing the craigslist 'strictly platonic' section last summer, determined to make friends and turn my life around. Finally, I felt as if I no longer needed to struggle. I had achieved a sense of peace.
It's the kind of thing you have to actually experience before you have any idea at all what you've been missing.
I was having a lot of fun. When the USA swimming team won the 4x100 relay, I raised my fist in victory, cheered loudly, and high-fived Liz and one of the other two girls I'd been chatting with.
I stayed and kept the three girls company for about an hour, and then finally headed over to the dance floor with the rest of the group.
It's here that I have to tell you that Amorita is absolutely amazing. When we first entered the bar, she was immediately talking to one of the security guards about something. At the time, I thought it was someone she already knew, but I was wrong. She had just started talking to him in that moment! Later, she found him and talked to him again, trying to cheer him up after some problem with management that made him want to quit his job.
Now, on the dance floor, I found Amorita dancing and talking with a group of very cool people that I didn't realize were with us. Soon, they were playing around, then even taking pictures together. I thought that they must have been friends that I didn't get introduced to, but at the end of the night I found out that she had just met them.
Lots of people are friendly and gregarious, but not to the extent of Amorita. I bring it up because I feel amazingly lucky to be friends with her, but also because she's the paradigm when it comes to social skills. I don't think anyone in the world makes friends faster or more easily, and it's all because she assumes rapport. My time spent with her the last year or so has been proof of Steve Pavlina's quote about breaking the ice.
What about me? It was my first time on a dance floor with a group of people that I knew. I felt better than ever! I danced and had a good time, free from inhibition. I danced, danced, and danced some more, even when not many others were dancing. At some point, I even ended up doing a little bump-and-grind with one of the girls. She had been hanging out with our group, but I had no idea whether or not she was with us. In a couple of hours, Amorita had made friends with so many new people that I just couldn't tell anymore.
I was following impulses. When Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance with Somebody was played, some of the people around me started singing along. With barely even a moment of hesitation, I joined in, and sang at the top of my lungs. Another first. No self-consciousness.
When the bar closed up, we headed next door to get some pizza. On the way out, the huge, 6'3, 300 pound security guard from the bar was standing by the door. He complimented (i.e., hit on) Menika, saying that she was wearing a nice dress, and that he liked her outfit. Despite his size, I didn't perceive him as an intimidating figure - especially after Amorita had made friends with him - and I had an impulse to speak to him. I said, pointing at myself playfully, "What about me? Do you like my outfit?"
He said, "Your outfit..... it's alright....yeah, I like it."
Nice guy. The point is to ignore any perceptions that suggest people won't want to play with you. Those perceptions are almost always deceitful, and they're one of the main weapons of the bane of shyness. You have to assume rapport.
There were a bunch of people, but I got the feeling that Meniki, Liz, and myself were among Amorita's closest friends, because we were the last ones together at the end of the night.
First, we walked Liz to her car. She asked me where I'd parked, and when I tried to make fun of myself for not remembering, she interpreted as me being a smartass again, and started to storm off. I cleared things up skillfully, without making it into anything at all serious.
I'd felt quite a bit tighter in the pizza shop, where I sat with two people who I didn't much interact with earlier at the bar. Now, though, I felt perfect with this small group, which consisted of 3 girls who I'd been at ease talking to 1-on-1 earlier. When I realized that I'd been calling Liz by the wrong name all night, I fessed up and joked a little bit about it. There was no inhibition.
At Liz's car, she first hugged Amorita, then Meniki. I wondered for a moment if it made since for me to hug her as well, since we had just met that night. Again, though, she assumed rapport, and we hugged. I then insisted on walking Amorita and Meniki back to their car. I brought up the creepy waiter incident, and played around with Meniki, saying that I would shield her from sight. It was an improvised game I came up with when I met a new friend last week - an instance of experience providing me with material, making an obvious difference.
I noticed that I was perfectly smooth, relaxed, and confident as I said goodbye. I hugged Meniki, while telling her to have a good time in Vegas next week. I hugged Amorita (actually, for the first time ever), while telling her I'd see her next weekend. I told them to drive safe, and one of the best nights of my life was coming to a close.
On the way back to my car, I felt overjoyed. It was an indescribable feeling of happiness, beyond anything I've ever felt or could have imagined.
I realized that I had hugged five people that night. I had experienced affection from five people who I would never have known without the mission. I would have been completely oblivious to their existence had I not spent hours browsing the craigslist 'strictly platonic' section last summer, determined to make friends and turn my life around. Finally, I felt as if I no longer needed to struggle. I had achieved a sense of peace.
It's the kind of thing you have to actually experience before you have any idea at all what you've been missing.
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