The Death of Inhibition

Well, Year 2 officially got underway today. It was my fifth second-date, and the first one since March 18.

I picked up my date (the doctor I've mentioned before) to take her on a guided Segway scooter tour of her home town. Only moments after she got in the car, I got the feeling that she was a lot different than on our first date. She'd been very shy on that first date. She'd seemed very reserved, even whispering at times during our conversation. She didn't seem very confident that day at Starbucks, saying that the experience was nerve-wracking, and asking questions like "Do I look like my [eHarmony profile] picture?" But today, all of that was gone. She was relaxed and talkative, and whoa....she looked even better than I'd remembered.

I didn't have a lot of time to review conversation topics or strategies going into the date. I'd decided to just try to stay present, and let everything else come naturally from that. After driving with her for a few minutes towards the city, invasive thoughts had already crept into my mind. I thought how awesome this girl was, and how I'd want to keep seeing her. Helpless, I soon had some negative thoughts. They were doubts about her being interested in me, triggered by a story she was telling me about a night out with her friends - the type of activity I have very little experience with (so far!). I realized that I was in dangerous territory (confidence is important), and told myself to stay present. It was a demand I'd have to place on myself several more times during the evening.

Her story had been a long one, and I didn't have much to say about it afterwards. There was a little bit of silence, but I acted as if I were trying to follow my navigation system (actually, I really was), and it didn't seem very bad. After that, I threw some potential conversation starters back out, based on the conversation topics I'd had in mind. Most of them didn't go anywhere - short answers, and on to something else.

As I parked, I started out agreeing with something she said, but then she didn't agree with my response. The odd little exchange made me feel a little more self-conscious and awkward. I was determined to smooth it out a little, and I did - but I doubt that should have been necessary. So far, I wasn't feeling or being completely myself.

We walked into the Segway place. Luckily, we were the only ones scheduled for the tour - perfect! The tour guide was very personable, and I tried joking around a bit with both him and my date. The guide guy was actually pretty funny, so I worried a little about being compared to him.

The Segway tour was a very, very cool date idea. The three of us traveled single-file down the sidewalks and streets, so there wasn't much opportunity for me to interact with my date. Instead, I had lots of time to think. I figured I would regroup like I did on our first date. I don't remember coming up with a specific plan, but it turned out that I wouldn't need one....

I took a few opportunities to make some humorous comments. I was traveling behind my date (checking out her butt the whole time - I hadn't had a chance at all at Starbucks), so I couldn't really tell how she was reacting, if she reacted at all. During the hour tour, almost everyone we passed (which was a lot of people) was looking at us. We passed a bachelor party, and some drunk guys kept wanting to high-five me. I jokingly called up to my date, asking her if she knew the guys, and if they were her "crew." We passed a wedding, and the bride and groom asked if they could borrow our Segways for a minute to take some pictures. Heck no, but I told them congrats. After the tour guide increased our scooter speeds, I asked if it was fast enough for some of her aggressive driving that we'd talked about earlier. She laughed.

We went back to the car. The whole thing had seemed pretty easy - I had been worried about having to drive and park in a crowded city in front of a date, but I'd apparently already erased any hint of driving anxiety. I asked if she wanted to get something to eat, and she said sure. BUT!

But she used her cell phone. She received and sent text messages on it, just like the last time I was on a second-date. Yes, the date from hell that broke me down. I didn't know what to do. Maybe she didn't intend to be rude, and just didn't know any better. Maybe she was rude, but liked me, which was all I really cared about. I thought about calling her out on it, but it seemed very very very risky, and I couldn't see myself doing it. Unlike the date-from-hell girl, she seemed to be having a good time, so I decided to continue the date without introducing the inevitable awkwardness that would result from suggesting I was offended.

We arrived at a parking garage, and then, lo and behold: Things started to happen.

We'd passed a lady with a big stomach, and she said said that she hoped the lady was pregnant. Yep...she was very comfortable with me. I bantered, saying that she was "joaning," which is a slang term I haven't really heard since high school.

As I looked for a parking space, I observed that there were a lot of people out tonight. I then had an inclination to make a joke. I said, "They must have found out I was coming, and wanted to catch a glimpse." Then, she asked if I thought I would be sore tomorrow from riding the Segway. I might have thought about it earlier, because somehow, I knew what I wanted to say. I interjected. "Sore! I'm an athlete! I'm not gonna be sore from standing up for an hour!" Something like that. It gave me a chance to talk about myself a little, as she followed up asking what sports I play.

She asked where I wanted to eat, and I had something in mind that I'd thought of days ago. When I told her I had something in mind, she asked what it was. I told her to just wait, and that she'd find out soon enough. I noticed that there was playful inflection in my voice. When I'm in "stiff mode," I sound a little monotonous, and very unconfident - the word "tentative" describes it best. This was different - the way I am when I'm at my best, and when I'm myself.

We were at Restaurant Row, which is filled with bars and expensive restaurants, but also a McDonalds. I walked up to the McDonalds door, and held it open for her. She went in, and I thought it was pretty funny. The doctor and the engineer were not going to eat at McDonalds - I told her I was just messing with her, and I think we both thought it was pretty funny.

We sat down outside at one of the (nicer) restaurants. When I came back from the bathroom, she asked something about the music. I joked with her about dancing to it (she doesn't understand how to dance to rock music), and, without much or any thought, I found myself bobbing to it as we talked.

By now, things were a lot different than when we'd started. I talked, I joked, I teased. Then I talked, joked, and teased some more! I even managed to tell a couple of short stories, without difficulty. I was exactly the way I am with the first friend I made during the mission. I was talking so much that I incidentally interrupted her a few times and things like that, but I decided not to worry about it. After all, being uninhibited is a feat I've struggled to accomplish virtually my entire life.

There was no stopping me. It was as if a pipe carrying my true personality had burst. It was flying out in every direction.

When she asked why I've never even tried alcohol, I said "Just for the hell of it." It was the first time I've cursed in any fashion with a date, or really, with anyone off-line with one tiny exception. Then (get this!!) I told her I didn't need alcohol to be uninhibited. I pointed to myself playfully, and said "Look how am I now! There's no telling how I'd be if I drank." She agreed and said yeah, I didn't need to drink. Wow. I'd gone from being the poster boy for shyness, to a zany, uninhibited guy. At that moment, I knew inhibition was dead.

She insisted on paying, and had even told me she would pay when we first sat down. I offered to pay several times, until she took the bill out of my hands. I've been at this stuff so long that I've now experienced many of the situations that can arise on a date. I knew from experience not to push it any further, so I didn't. It was no big deal - I'd paid $95 for the Segway tour, and the meal couldn't have been more than 30 bucks or so. And, of course, she wasn't like one of my other dates who worked for a non-profit organization, or something like that. She was a doctor. Since I'd now completely busted out of my shell, I made the joke that came to mind. "Do you think you're a sugar mama?" We'd bantered about our less-than-2-year age difference several times during the day, so I thought it was pretty funny.

A live band had been playing while we ate, making it difficult to hear each other. As we left, one of the guitarists joked, "Was it something I said?" Without having to think much, I said, "It's not you - it's me." I didn't see a reaction from my date, but I heard laughter! I'd made people in an audience laugh. I was amazed at myself.

Glorious as the second half of the date had been, I had still been experiencing a little internal turmoil. I'd had to stem negative thoughts along with surges of anxiety, which have actually been a rare thing on these dates. By this time, all of the negative thoughts had one theme. Would this girl like me for the real, uninhibited, zany me? We'd both been much more inhibited on our first date, so it was actually a good question. Good question or not though, I kept bringing myself back to the present moment instead of ruminating.

As I drove her back to her home, almost needless to say, I was thinking about how the night would end. I was thinking about kissing her. I kept having to stem the surges of anxiety that accompanied the thought of possible rejection. I almost wanted to pray that this would work out.

I noticed that the air conditioning was drying out my chapstick application, so I licked my lips during the conversation, trying to get them ready. All the while though, I kept bringing myself back to the present moment. At one point, I don't know if it was the distractions or the "presentness," but I was a little disoriented. I couldn't remember what part of the state I was in, and I had to think to figure out what day it was. Wow.

Finally, I pulled up to her townhouse complex. All of the parking spaces were full in front of her house, so I parked on the opposite side. It obviously didn't make sense for me to just let her out that far away, so she said, "Are you coming in?"

Still completely uninhibited, I knew exactly what to say. When the tour guide from earlier asked who wanted to try the Segway first, I made a hand motion for her to go ahead. Andy, the Segway guy, had then started talking about how other guys hadn't done the same, and how chivalry was dead.

I said, "I'm going to walk you to your door, since Andy was saying that chivalry's dead."

She remarked that I had a good memory because I remembered the name, and I walked her to her door.

Did I want to go inside? Not at all. Not in the slightest bit. But without stopping, she just said "You can come in for a minute... I'll show you my Sex & the City DVD collection."

So I said alright, in a somewhat enthusiastic voice. I made a little bit of conversation, and she showed me the DVD's on the shelf. I said something pointless about them, and she responded with something that didn't really make sense. She also accidentally knocked a bunch of the DVD's off the shelf. I felt like we were both stumbling around a bit. But why?

She had a photo frame on the wall, and it still had the example pictures in it. We bantered a bit about that, with me joking about it being her real family (even though all the people were a different color than she). Then, I said, "I'm gonna head out."

This was it. We'd been together 4 1/2 hours, and I was going for the kiss.

We hugged. She must have either initiated it, or gone for it when I touched her, because hugging her was not in my plans.

Right after the hug, I moved my lips toward hers for a kiss.

She turned her cheek slightly.

That would not be the end of it. It was the third-date when I'd kissed the first two girls, but I knew a second-date should be just fine for that. Especially a long, elaborate date like this had been. I'd effortlessly made her laugh the entire evening, and I had just impressively recalled something she told me on our first date, and had turned it into a joke that also made her laugh.

She had just turned her cheek, but I was going to push the issue. I had transformed into a confident, uninhibited guy, and there was no way I was going to kiss a cheek! [Of course, most of you guys will think this was another one of my blunders, and you might be right! If so, I'll live with this one too, because I didn't have time for analysis, and what's done is done!]

I adjusted my position, and went for her lips again. I'm not sure - all of this actually took place within a couple of short moments - but I think she turned slightly again. If so, it was so slight that I was willing to settle for it. She seemed to initiate the rest of the required motion, intentionally kissing me at such an angle that our lips touched on the side - just barely. It was off-center, very short, and non-magical, but I'd kissed her. It felt good. I know the difference between a cheek and a woman's lips - a cheek does not feel good - so we had definitely kissed.

Without a word, I went to open the door, but she had deadbolted it. I said "Wow, you locked it just for this?" She said it was force of habit, and when I finally got out, I said "see ya" and she said the same. I think she should have unlocked and opened the door for me to begin with, so I get the feeling she was a little lost in the previous proceedings. But why?

I don't know what to think. That could have been a positive exchange, if it's the case that she tries not to kiss on [what some people would consider] a first date, but was willing to bend her rule when I pushed the issue. Or maybe she turned her cheek because she wasn't interested. But then, why would she have invited me into the house at all? I didn't even want to go in! Or maybe it was some other inexplicable reason. The one other time I went for a kiss on a second-date, the girl quickly turned her cheek and grabbed me in a hug so there would be no chance of our lips touching. And then, she sent me an e-mail the very next day! So who knows.

What about my interest in her? I find her very attractive, and I generally like her. But somehow, I'm not feeling head-over-heels in love this time. Not even close. She had left her cell phone on the table during dinner, and checked it several times. She also looked around and observed, giving the impression that she was at times not focused on me. Maybe those were the turn-offs. Or maybe...just maybe....maybe I'm experiencing what it's like to be a confident, uninhibited guy whose heart doesn't melt every time he meets a girl he likes.

I'm not sure what metaphor to use to describe it - flipping a switch, or building on something - but I had become a different person with her. If we don't see each other again, it will have ended because she didn't like the real me. And that, my friends, would truly be bittersweet.