Well, I don't know what the record is for most first-dates in a year, but I may be getting pretty close. If the Guinness Book keeps a record for "most dates in a year by a person who had never been on a date until age 23," I've got to think that I'm a lock.
Tonight was Date #33. It was with a young lady I'd met on eHarmony. This will shock you, but....we met up at Starbucks!
With the new confidence strategies, what was going on in my mind prior to our first hug at Starbucks is probably pretty important.
As I've mentioned before, I generally have a tough time staying present, instead of thinking (or worse, worrying) about other thoughts. I was feeling distracted by some social-related stuff at work, and I decided close to quitting time that I wasn't going to carry those negative feelings into the evening. I actually decide things like this every day, but rarely am able to manage.
But today, I decided to grow. I realized that being able to put aside worries and distractions in order to "stay present" is a critical skill for the mission, and for enjoying life in general.
I thought about one of the principles Steve Pavlina talks about in his podcast about overcoming fear. He uses the metaphor of weight lifting to explain how we build resistance to fear (i.e., courage). And then I thought about my acting class, where the instructor compares mental acting skills to muscles.
I understood. Along with every social skill I've talked about, the ability to "stay present" and put aside distractions is also just like a muscle. The more we exercise it, the stronger it becomes. I was going to start building that muscle today.
And so, I managed to leave my distractions at the office. I drove home, played some music, and thought positive thoughts just the way I talked about in the blog. And behold - I started to feel good!
When I got close to the Starbucks, I started to feel a little anxious. I told myself that it was just a false feeling - that I couldn't control it directly, but that I could avoid an anxiety cycle by disallowing any negative thoughts. I thought I could override negative thoughts with positive ones, which would override anxiety with confidence.
I was okay. After she didn't show up at Starbucks for a few minutes, I started to feel a little more anxious. In fact, I could see my hand shaking slightly as I waited. I figured it was the uncertainty causing me to feel the way I did, but I didn't create any cycles, and I knew that I always felt immediately better after the first moment of speaking to my new acquaintance.
Before long, she walked through the Starbucks door. I smiled to make sure it was her - she looked different in person. Usually, that's no good, but this was one of the exceptions. I found her eHarmony profile photos attractive, and I liked her new look even more. I digress, but hey - mission or no mission, these are still dates we're talking about here!
As expected, I immediately felt pretty relaxed. I projected my voice to sound confident - just like we planned. And it worked. It came out sounding flawless, like it does when I'm at my best, and that continued naturally through the rest of the night.
This one was good, guys. Very good.
I had four specific topics memorized. Fashion, politics, her homework, and winning the lottery. The first three came up naturally as we talked. In fact, I was totally myself, and everything was very natural. It was vastly different than most of the dates I've described because it was all indeed so natural. There wasn't much in the way of silences - certainly nothing awkward.
For once, we simply had a lot in common. We both follow American politics closely, so we talked lots about that - just like we did online, but in a way that was a lot more relaxed and friendly. Even on topics I didn't know much about (e.g., fashion), I still knew enough to make some interesting conversation. She did most of the talking, but we interacted the whole night, and she laughed at my jokes and humorous comments. I also noticed her checking out my body a couple times as I sat down and stood up. I felt confident, and allowed myself to have confident thoughts. Looking over as she spoke, I thought to myself, "I can't wait to kiss those lips....and I'm going to!"
The only imperfection that comes to mind is that I was a little distracted for a while. I don't feel too bad about it in this case, because it was something that's understandable, instead of my own senseless distraction. She said "I actually had to do one of the guys when I was working technical support." Huh? I was pretty confused! It sounded like she was saying do as in the slang term for "have sex with," but that couldn't be...could it? I must have misheard her, or she must have meant something else, right? No one would say that 10 minutes into a first date, right?! These were the crazy thoughts going through my mind, but in about another 10 minutes, I decided I would just figure it out later. On the way home, I realized she might have meant "do" as in "imitate." Ha :) But as usual, I digress!
After about an hour, I said I'd better head home. We walked outside, and - as she had been for the past hour - she seemed happy. She talked some more for a few minutes as we stood outside, until I asked her where she'd parked. I walked her over to her car.
She finished telling me something about a group project for graduate school, and I laughed. Then I said "Have a good night!" She said "You too, bye." We hugged slightly, but I'm not sure who initiated it. I walked away without saying anything else, and I noticed her checking me out one more time.
On the way home, I wasn't getting too excited. That was good - I'd play this one cool, and just keep at these things. As the night went on, I started to have some thoughts that I really like this girl. There's no sense in denying it: we're obviously a good match, and there's obviously mutual physical attraction. But instead of allowing any uncertain thoughts about how things will go from here, I'm only going to allow definite, confident thoughts. I've basically already planned our next 3 dates.
But now is the time to pile on. Pile on, and beat back shyness - the foul knave that it is! Summer must be the time when people start seeking out new relationships, because I have more connections online than I can even hope to keep up with. On Sunday, I'll be going on date #34 with a medical doctor I've been talking to on eHarmony.
I'm going to keep exercising those mental muscles, and grow every single day.
Tonight was Date #33. It was with a young lady I'd met on eHarmony. This will shock you, but....we met up at Starbucks!
With the new confidence strategies, what was going on in my mind prior to our first hug at Starbucks is probably pretty important.
As I've mentioned before, I generally have a tough time staying present, instead of thinking (or worse, worrying) about other thoughts. I was feeling distracted by some social-related stuff at work, and I decided close to quitting time that I wasn't going to carry those negative feelings into the evening. I actually decide things like this every day, but rarely am able to manage.
But today, I decided to grow. I realized that being able to put aside worries and distractions in order to "stay present" is a critical skill for the mission, and for enjoying life in general.
I thought about one of the principles Steve Pavlina talks about in his podcast about overcoming fear. He uses the metaphor of weight lifting to explain how we build resistance to fear (i.e., courage). And then I thought about my acting class, where the instructor compares mental acting skills to muscles.
I understood. Along with every social skill I've talked about, the ability to "stay present" and put aside distractions is also just like a muscle. The more we exercise it, the stronger it becomes. I was going to start building that muscle today.
And so, I managed to leave my distractions at the office. I drove home, played some music, and thought positive thoughts just the way I talked about in the blog. And behold - I started to feel good!
When I got close to the Starbucks, I started to feel a little anxious. I told myself that it was just a false feeling - that I couldn't control it directly, but that I could avoid an anxiety cycle by disallowing any negative thoughts. I thought I could override negative thoughts with positive ones, which would override anxiety with confidence.
I was okay. After she didn't show up at Starbucks for a few minutes, I started to feel a little more anxious. In fact, I could see my hand shaking slightly as I waited. I figured it was the uncertainty causing me to feel the way I did, but I didn't create any cycles, and I knew that I always felt immediately better after the first moment of speaking to my new acquaintance.
Before long, she walked through the Starbucks door. I smiled to make sure it was her - she looked different in person. Usually, that's no good, but this was one of the exceptions. I found her eHarmony profile photos attractive, and I liked her new look even more. I digress, but hey - mission or no mission, these are still dates we're talking about here!
As expected, I immediately felt pretty relaxed. I projected my voice to sound confident - just like we planned. And it worked. It came out sounding flawless, like it does when I'm at my best, and that continued naturally through the rest of the night.
This one was good, guys. Very good.
I had four specific topics memorized. Fashion, politics, her homework, and winning the lottery. The first three came up naturally as we talked. In fact, I was totally myself, and everything was very natural. It was vastly different than most of the dates I've described because it was all indeed so natural. There wasn't much in the way of silences - certainly nothing awkward.
For once, we simply had a lot in common. We both follow American politics closely, so we talked lots about that - just like we did online, but in a way that was a lot more relaxed and friendly. Even on topics I didn't know much about (e.g., fashion), I still knew enough to make some interesting conversation. She did most of the talking, but we interacted the whole night, and she laughed at my jokes and humorous comments. I also noticed her checking out my body a couple times as I sat down and stood up. I felt confident, and allowed myself to have confident thoughts. Looking over as she spoke, I thought to myself, "I can't wait to kiss those lips....and I'm going to!"
The only imperfection that comes to mind is that I was a little distracted for a while. I don't feel too bad about it in this case, because it was something that's understandable, instead of my own senseless distraction. She said "I actually had to do one of the guys when I was working technical support." Huh? I was pretty confused! It sounded like she was saying do as in the slang term for "have sex with," but that couldn't be...could it? I must have misheard her, or she must have meant something else, right? No one would say that 10 minutes into a first date, right?! These were the crazy thoughts going through my mind, but in about another 10 minutes, I decided I would just figure it out later. On the way home, I realized she might have meant "do" as in "imitate." Ha :) But as usual, I digress!
After about an hour, I said I'd better head home. We walked outside, and - as she had been for the past hour - she seemed happy. She talked some more for a few minutes as we stood outside, until I asked her where she'd parked. I walked her over to her car.
She finished telling me something about a group project for graduate school, and I laughed. Then I said "Have a good night!" She said "You too, bye." We hugged slightly, but I'm not sure who initiated it. I walked away without saying anything else, and I noticed her checking me out one more time.
On the way home, I wasn't getting too excited. That was good - I'd play this one cool, and just keep at these things. As the night went on, I started to have some thoughts that I really like this girl. There's no sense in denying it: we're obviously a good match, and there's obviously mutual physical attraction. But instead of allowing any uncertain thoughts about how things will go from here, I'm only going to allow definite, confident thoughts. I've basically already planned our next 3 dates.
But now is the time to pile on. Pile on, and beat back shyness - the foul knave that it is! Summer must be the time when people start seeking out new relationships, because I have more connections online than I can even hope to keep up with. On Sunday, I'll be going on date #34 with a medical doctor I've been talking to on eHarmony.
I'm going to keep exercising those mental muscles, and grow every single day.
3 comments:
I totally agree with the "staying present" thing. I think that is the main point, much more than confidence -or at least, it comes first. When you don't stay present and for the moment, it's because you're ruminating over something. Usually discouraging thoughts. Bad.
Exactly! I will focus on making "staying present" my main goal on Sunday. I think like you said, it opens the door to confidence and everything else.
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