Dating Direction

Since the last post, I haven't been on any other dates, but there has been a lot of activity in my mind about the subject. My response to Ashlley's comment is a bit long, so here we are again, back in the main blog.

Ashlley Elias said...

Mr. Super Duper Neat-O,

I love your blog. Been reading for a bit... this is about the post you recently deleted about not having heard from Autumn in a bit and feeling anxious.

I'm 30, have had many relationships and STILL get that feeling.

Just wanted to say it's not a social anxiety thing, it's a love thing.

That being said I find if I have more than one girl I'm interested in this never becomes an issue.

I am a one-woman man myself, which you also seem... so even if it feels right to stick to one, it might not be best in the long-run.

Even if you're in a relationship you need to keep up attraction and options.

My 2cents.

Ashlley, wow - talk about hitting the nail on the head! Over the last two days, I started coming to the exact same conclusion, which I now feel a lot more comfortable with, thanks to you.

For those who didn't catch it, I wrote and deleted a post entitled Autumn Uncertainty. I hadn't heard from Autumn in over two weeks, and frankly, I was worried. Worried, anxious, depressed...the whole nine yards. These feelings were so strong that they were starting to practically ruin day after day of my life. I was doing a terrible job of dealing with the uncertainty, ceaselessly ruminating over the possibilities of what could have gone wrong. I considered every little thing, from the quality of my goodnight kiss, to the possibility of her having stumbled upon the blog. I was terrified of the prospect of never finding out what had actually happened, but Tuesday, she finally called.

She implied that she hadn't replaced her cell phone since breaking it a few days before our last date, and had finally borrowed one from a friend. I had called her 3 times, but apparently she couldn't have received any of the calls.

We chatted for about 8 minutes, until she said she was going to bed, if I didn't mind. I said goodnight, but she added,

"After my parents come and go [they were coming to visit], we should go out again."
I simply said "Alright."
She then asked, "Is that a yes? Or is that 'no, I'm brushing you off'?"

I reaffirmed that I wanted to go out, and asked when her parents would be leaving.

Finally, I had some peace.

At least, for a little while.

Today, something else started to bother me. It's come up before, but I haven't mentioned it in the blog. I noticed on eHarmony that she had closed our match, and my mind immediately started swirling, trying to figure out why. My first thought was that maybe she didn't want me to be able to view her profile anymore, where I could see if she changed it for the reason of pursuing other men on the site.

I couldn't stand the thought! The night after our first date, I noticed that she had updated her profile. Even that worried me a little, but I was able to let it go because I knew that she didn't even know whether or not I was interested yet. Then, when the psychic made references to Autumn's "current relationship" on our second date, Autumn pointed out that she was dating other people as well in order to explain to the psychic that she wasn't really in a relationship. This bothered me even more, but I managed to rationalize that other guys might not be getting past the Starbucks date with her. After our third date, I just couldn't stand the thought of anyone else getting physical with her the way I did. I understood that she would at least be curious to see who else she could meet - even after finding me, who she liked - but if so, I really didn't want to see or hear anything that would make me think about it.

It's tough, but these are the kinds of things that go on in my mind.

By tonight, I realized that this is all just too much. I've tried to contact Autumn every week since I've met her, but now she's made it at least another 3 weeks between dates. I simply cannot place so much importance on my budding relationship with her. Between worrying about seeing her and worrying about her seeing other people, I'd lose my mind at this rate.

This is how I came to the conclusion that Ashlley suggested. The solution is simple: I have to pursue and date other people. I very well may be with Autumn forever, but until we become exclusive with a Facebook-official relationship status, I'm going to do my best to make sure I have a date with someone I like every single week. I had even stopped accepting new matches on eHarmony, so this represents a major change in the direction of the mission. Meeting a new round of people will be a great opportunity for me to continue moving far away from my inhibited days, further improving and stabilizing the skills I've developed over the past 15 months. It will also give me the opportunity to experience dating other people without inhibition. This way, I will have a comparison so that if Autumn does end up being the one, I will never have to wonder.

P.S. I've just started updating the daily Lab Notes entry again. I noticed that some of the themes from this post are already showing up there. I'll try to stick to writing there regularly now - it should help.

Date #40: Autumn Emotion

Tonight, I finally saw Autumn again. I had been feeling a little bummed out the last 24 hours. First, there was an embarrassing little social incident at work that made me realize how far behind I am in that domain compared to everywhere else I've improved. Then, I had a so-so night at SuperBar. Those two things - fodder for the Lab Notes, when I have some spare time - resulted in me feeling tired and anxious before the date. Still, though, I knew after my first two dates with Autumn that I just couldn't be uncomfortable or inhibited with her.

This time, she asked me to come up to the door of her apartment unit to pick her up. We hadn't planned what to do for our date, but I suggested we go to a local restaurant/games place (think "adult Chuck-E-Cheese").

At first, I felt a little inhibited and jittery. I didn't panic, though. I understood that I hadn't seen Autumn in a full three weeks, so I just needed time to warm up. And warm up, I did. Before I knew it, I was once again easily chatting with her, without needing to search my mind for topics of conversation.

It's hard to remember what we were talking about, because it was all so fluent and natural, which is the norm for us. At times, we aren't really talking about anything. Among the people who have gotten to see the real me, I'm known for my constant kidding around; with Autumn, I've met my match. She makes me understand what I put my family and friends through. For example, when I mentioned the "cold steam" blasts at SuperBar, she debated me about it, saying that steam can't be cold and that I was really talking about "mist." There were several times when I had to force a change in subject, because she's content to keep playfully arguing or joking about the same thing just as long as I am!

In our last text message exchange, I had told Autumn not to worry that she had to break our previously planned date. Her response? ":)thanks babe." A term of endearment.

After only a few minutes with her in person, she started showing other signs of the way she felt about me as well. In fact, during the course of the date, she showed every sign.

The first was talking about our future. When I told her that I like fishing, but that none of my friends are really into it, she said "...we could go fishing." Soon after that, she was telling me about a drag racing venue, and asked if I wanted to do it with her. Later, when we passed a booth in the mall selling 3D images enshrined in acrylic, she joked that she should buy me one with her picture for Christmas. On the way home, I recalled something minor she told me on our first date, and she was impressed by my memory. She said that she'd better be careful, or else I might remember something she said 30 years later and throw it back in her face.

30 years later? Whoa.

The second sign? Touching me. Several times after I made a joke, she lightly touched my arm as she laughed. She also complimented me subtly, saying that she thought the dorky facial expressions and other aspects of my persona were cute.

The fourth sign was the biggest of all. She showed genuine curiosity about me, asking probing questions and spending time analyzing in effort to figure out aspects of my personality. For example, the latter part of the drive back to her place was spent discussing why I've never tried alcohol. When I momentarily took my eyes off the road to glance at my passenger, I saw that Autumn's face was lit up. She was both happy and fascinated.

Soon after we got in the mall, I was back to being my complete, zany, uninhibited self. I addressed all of the employees by the names on their name tags, and spoke to them in a confident, fun tone.

While we walked around deciding which games to play, I spotted an Iraq war veteran that I had once seen at my barber shop. His right arm was his only remaining limb. I excitedly asked, "Hey, how ya doin man?", and said that I had seen him at the shop. It ended up being a little awkward, because he didn't really recognize me (although his wife did), and I could sense that Autumn was taken aback by the sight of a man who had lost so much. She didn't comment on the exchange, and after a few minutes, we were back to normal.

As we played, I could tell that my date was having fun. She smiled and laughed, and whenever I heard her goofy signature snort, I knew things were going well. On the other end of things, I was loosening up more and more. With the music playing, I started to feel like doing some dancing. I started to bop around a little, but all-out dancing would have been completely out of place. Instead, I told Autumn what I was feeling. Just like last time, I shared my thoughts with her, instead of keeping them as secret processes in my mind.

I'm usually woefully bad at telling stories, and before the date, I even lamented the possibility of failing miserably while trying to do so with Autumn. Amazingly, though, I easily and smoothly (though excitedly) told her a story about work in a way that made her laugh. After that, I told a few more: suddenly, technique wasn't the issue. There was no issue, as long as I was with Autumn.

When neither of us could remember the name of the band that sang a song we both liked, I asked the waitress what kind of music she liked, and then just asked the question. When she finally figured it out for us, I gave her a high-five. Throughout the evening, I became so loose that I thought maybe I should speak less.

In general, things were fantastic. There were only a few things that bothered me. First, when Autumn fought me off to pay for the games with her credit card, I made a joke out of it (as I did with so many things), saying that she was messing up my gender role identity. She then asked if I preferred to pay, and I couldn't help but be honest with her, and said yes. Half-kidding, I added that I wasn't offended though, and wouldn't hold it against her. I'm not sure why, but at the time, I wondered if I should have handled it differently. Then, I simply forgot to help her take off her coat after pulling out her chair at the dinner table. Along with the awkward exchange with the veteran, these nuances distracted me a little. The point, as far as we're concerned here, is that I should have - of course - stayed present. I regained my composure, and for the most part, did so for the remainder of the evening.

By the end of our time at the mall, it was obvious that Autumn was, quite simply, fantastic. I'd never had such ease in talking to or having fun with anyone. I'd never been with anyone who was so much like me in so many ways - some defining, some minuscule. And I'd never been with anyone so selfless. She genuinely wanted to split the costs of dating, trying to insist on paying for dinner, too, for the second date in a row. She was always concerned with even the smallest things about me, like wanting to pick a prize I liked, or making sure she wasn't hurting my feelings by explaining why she thinks I'm dorky (somehow, she can see that through my cool exterior). She said she hadn't paid attention to where we'd parked, because she was too busy paying attention to me.

As we waited in line to redeem our tickets for prizes, it finally hit me. I looked at Autumn as we stood together, and my sight shifted almost involuntarily from one point on her face to another. There was something about her eyes. They were so soft and innocent that I can only describe them as angelic. She looked so beautiful that, for a moment, I was at a loss for what to even think. And then, I had the thought: "I'm going to marry this girl if I can." It's a thought that has comically appeared in this blog a couple times before, but this is different. It's different because I can handle it - I'm at my best with Autumn, no matter what I'm feeling. It's different because I have such a remarkable connection with her, instead of none at all. Spending time with her has shown me what I've been missing with all the other women who have transiently passed in and out of my life. Autumn is a game changer: I can't imagine how anyone is going to compare if she doesn't end up being the one.

When we got outside, for a while I couldn't manage to find my car in the massive parking lot. It could have been embarrassing, except that with Autumn, I was able to make fun of the situation instead. She joked that there "might not be a next time" because of it, but I was comfortable knowing it was just that - a joke.

I walked Autumn to her apartment unit door. She said "I'll see ya again soon, I'm sure." I didn't need the reassurance, but it was good to hear nonetheless. This time, she really was going for a hug, leaving the rest to me.

With my hand on her waist, I kissed the beautiful, sweet-hearted girl named Autumn who had captured my heart. It was incredibly soft and incredibly sweet. This time, our lips remained together as the kiss lingered in time.

I told her to have a good night, and she told me to enjoy my lip gloss. As I walked to my car, I noticed that the anxious feelings I'd had before the date had been completely replaced. Now, I was abound by emotions of joy, satisfaction, and optimism.

Oh, yeah. And possibly love, too.

Exceeding the Ordinary

Inhibition is the enemy. It's the enemy of us all, and it's the enemy that I've dedicated my life to defeating for over a year. I have made incredible gains against it, and have no intention of letting up. Deciding to kick the beast while it was down, I went back to SuperBar Saturday for the second straight week.
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This time, I was even more relaxed from the start. I took my place in line behind a group of three guys, and one of them acknowledged me. I said, instinctively, "Hey, what's up man?" For a while, I didn't say much of anything, but stood by as if I were a part of the group, listening to the conversation and smiling at things that were humorous. When one of the guys was telling a story, he included me as he shifted his eye contact between audience members. Before long, one of the guys asked me how I knew the other two guys. I had assumed rapport so effectively that he thought I was a friend in his group.

Once inside, I took my time to walk around and explore. The dance floor was relatively sparse that early, so I decided to wait until other couples started dancing before I began my search for a willing partner.

I spotted one of the guys I talked to my first time at SuperBar. I had never gotten his name, but I remembered that he worked there, and his goal in life was to marry the beautiful blonde bartender he had recently met. I walked over, said, "Hey, what's up man?", and shook his hand. I asked him if he had proposed to the girl yet, and we joked around for a couple of minutes over the loud music. I found out his name - Bart - and told him mine. Then I said that I was going to make a pass down the dance floor, and moved on.

Upstairs, I found the group I had come in with. I couldn't hear the conversation over the loud music, so I waited until there was a lull and asked one of the guys if he was going to find some girls. He said he was "just chilling," so I put on my sunglasses, headed back downstairs, and got to work.
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This time, I was already warm.

I danced without inhibition, and found people to talk to. When I spotted a beautiful blonde-haired girl I had noticed outside, I went over and spoke to one of her less-attractive friends.

"What's going on?"

She turned towards me for a moment, then turned away.

Nice.

Unphased, I moved on. I saw a couple of girls I had spoken to briefly in line, and spoke to one of them. She said something that sounded like, "It's the guy from the box," but I couldn't really make out the words over the music. I said, "I can't hear what you're saying, but YEAH!!!"
She laughed, and talked with her friend. By now it was pretty crowded, so I was close behind her friend as I danced nearby. I noticed (observation) that her hair smelled good, and asked (following my impulse), "Garnier Fructise?" They asked what I was talking about, and I repeated.

"Garnier Fructise. I was asking if you use Garnier Fructise because your hair smells good."

One of them laughed, and asked how I even knew about that. I ran my hands across my close haircut and joked, "I gotta take care of this!"

I moved on, and found other people to play with.

Or at least, I tried.

Earlier, I had noticed a group of 3 Asian girls dancing together. The tallest one had occasionally danced with a guy who came over, while the other two seemed uptight. I remembered from last week not to judge by appearance, so I experimented by offering my hand to dance with one of the short ones.

Nothing doing. She was as uptight as she looked.


I offered my hand to the taller, fun-looking one just the same. She took it, and we danced briefly, but she didn't seem very into it. Once we stopped, I spoke to her, in a friendly tone.

"What's up with your friends?"
"What?"
"What's up with your friends? They're not dancing with any guys."
"Oh, we're just enjoying the night."
"Haven't I seen you at Transit, the other nightclub?"

I hadn't, but at least I was making conversation. It didn't go much further, so I moved on.
Now, one of the guys from the group I had come in with had decided to get in the game. We collaborated, and I told him I'd back him up. Once again, I had made a new friend at the club, with virtually no effort.

We made a pass along the floor, found a group of girls, and went over to dance with them. As he apparently-not-so-smooth-talked one of them, I took her friend's hand to dance. She played along briefly, but didn't appear to be into it. We moved on.

He found a girl to chat with at the bar, and I eventually spoke to one of her friends. I asked if she was dancing, and she said no. I told her if she's shy, I would help her. She said, "Oh, trust me, I'm not shy." I sarcastically said "suuuuure" and moved on, leaving my nameless friend to strike out alone.

No one had been very responsive, but I was more uninhibited than ever. I had free reign to do whatever I wanted.

Back upstairs on the Latin music floor, I continued to test my luck. One girl accepted my hand to dance, but we bumped knees and heads. I said, "I'm more of a hip-hop dancer, so if I bump you, my bad." She didn't seem very interested from the start, so, as usual, I moved on.

When a a guy came and two of his female friends chained together with him to form a little dance train, I immediately ran up and put my hands on the last girl's waist to join the train. After we stopped, she took my hands to attempt some Latin dance with me. I attempted to twist her around and even dip her at the end of the song, but of course, I was terrible. I joked with her that we should go on Dancing with the Stars. My random appearance must have been pretty entertaining, because one of her friends took pictures of us.

As I headed back downstairs, I found two more girls dancing together. They were fairly stiff. I danced up to them, and I noticed a very slight physical withdrawal from both of them. These people were downright defensive, but why?


As you can see, they weren't even all that attractive. By now, I was feeling just plain silly, so I decided to mess with them. I said that I was trying to learn some moves from them, because they "dance so well." In reality, they were super stiff. They weren't amused by my comment, so I decided to continue my schtick. I imitated the one on the right, following her every motion. When she scratched her arm, I scratched mine. Finally, the stiff in the blue said "We're good," so I left them alone and went downstairs to find someone else to play with.

I was surprised by how uptight or unresponsive most of the women were. At one point, I was only dancing near a girl, and she shook her head negatively and moved away. I couldn't have cared less about her. What a self-centered wench.

About every other time I've gone out to a club, I've had a bad night. This was that night, but I realized that now, even the bad nights were good.

I was having fun. I danced, shouted, and spoke to all manner of people. I gave a fist-bump to the Garnier Fructis girl when I saw her again. I found a hotty to bump-and-grind with, although I scared her off by accidentally (I think) letting my hand slip to the wrong region of her body too soon. I even approached the most beautiful wallflower in the building, and attempted a conversation. I thought about being smooth, but then decided it was more fun to be silly. I intentionally attempted a rather corny pickup.

"You're not dancing?"
"No..."
"How are you gonna come to a dance club and not dance!"
"...."
"Oh, I see. You're dressed too nicely to dance. Were you coming to a dance club, or to a beauty pageant!"
(laughing) "A beauty pageant."
"Where'd you buy your outfit?"
"It came separately."
"How'd you put it together? I know you didn't buy it at Wal-Mart?"
(laughing) no
"Are you drinking?"
"...no, not right now."
"You should go downstairs and chill out. It's nice - they have seats and stuff. Have you been?"
"No. Downstairs?"
"Yeah. Wanna go?"
"....not right now."

I knew early on (obviously) that she wasn't being responsive, but I was just playing around. Talking to her was as easy as lifting a feather, but it was actually one of my first pickup attempts - if you want to call it that.
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The next day, I finally figured out why people seemed so less friendly than they had the other weeks. This time, I had interacted with more people than I could even hope to remember. The difference was that before, I had been much more passive. By initiating countless interactions, I uncovered all of the boring people who were there all along.

Finally, I realized something beautiful. Even the average person is too restrained by inhibition to approach as many people as I did that night. By being rejected over and over and over, and over and over again, I was facing the normal person's fear. The worst was happening, and guess what? It wasn't bad at all.

I have now exceeded the ordinary.