Tonight, I finally saw Autumn again. I had been feeling a little bummed out the last 24 hours. First, there was an embarrassing little social incident at work that made me realize how far behind I am in that domain compared to everywhere else I've improved. Then, I had a so-so night at SuperBar. Those two things - fodder for the Lab Notes, when I have some spare time - resulted in me feeling tired and anxious before the date. Still, though, I knew after my first two dates with Autumn that I just couldn't be uncomfortable or inhibited with her.
This time, she asked me to come up to the door of her apartment unit to pick her up. We hadn't planned what to do for our date, but I suggested we go to a local restaurant/games place (think "adult Chuck-E-Cheese").
At first, I felt a little inhibited and jittery. I didn't panic, though. I understood that I hadn't seen Autumn in a full three weeks, so I just needed time to warm up. And warm up, I did. Before I knew it, I was once again easily chatting with her, without needing to search my mind for topics of conversation.
It's hard to remember what we were talking about, because it was all so fluent and natural, which is the norm for us. At times, we aren't really talking about anything. Among the people who have gotten to see the real me, I'm known for my constant kidding around; with Autumn, I've met my match. She makes me understand what I put my family and friends through. For example, when I mentioned the "cold steam" blasts at SuperBar, she debated me about it, saying that steam can't be cold and that I was really talking about "mist." There were several times when I had to force a change in subject, because she's content to keep playfully arguing or joking about the same thing just as long as I am!
In our last text message exchange, I had told Autumn not to worry that she had to break our previously planned date. Her response? ":)thanks babe." A term of endearment.
After only a few minutes with her in person, she started showing other signs of the way she felt about me as well. In fact, during the course of the date, she showed every sign.
The first was talking about our future. When I told her that I like fishing, but that none of my friends are really into it, she said "...we could go fishing." Soon after that, she was telling me about a drag racing venue, and asked if I wanted to do it with her. Later, when we passed a booth in the mall selling 3D images enshrined in acrylic, she joked that she should buy me one with her picture for Christmas. On the way home, I recalled something minor she told me on our first date, and she was impressed by my memory. She said that she'd better be careful, or else I might remember something she said 30 years later and throw it back in her face.
30 years later? Whoa.
The second sign? Touching me. Several times after I made a joke, she lightly touched my arm as she laughed. She also complimented me subtly, saying that she thought the dorky facial expressions and other aspects of my persona were cute.
The fourth sign was the biggest of all. She showed genuine curiosity about me, asking probing questions and spending time analyzing in effort to figure out aspects of my personality. For example, the latter part of the drive back to her place was spent discussing why I've never tried alcohol. When I momentarily took my eyes off the road to glance at my passenger, I saw that Autumn's face was lit up. She was both happy and fascinated.
Soon after we got in the mall, I was back to being my complete, zany, uninhibited self. I addressed all of the employees by the names on their name tags, and spoke to them in a confident, fun tone.
While we walked around deciding which games to play, I spotted an Iraq war veteran that I had once seen at my barber shop. His right arm was his only remaining limb. I excitedly asked, "Hey, how ya doin man?", and said that I had seen him at the shop. It ended up being a little awkward, because he didn't really recognize me (although his wife did), and I could sense that Autumn was taken aback by the sight of a man who had lost so much. She didn't comment on the exchange, and after a few minutes, we were back to normal.
As we played, I could tell that my date was having fun. She smiled and laughed, and whenever I heard her goofy signature snort, I knew things were going well. On the other end of things, I was loosening up more and more. With the music playing, I started to feel like doing some dancing. I started to bop around a little, but all-out dancing would have been completely out of place. Instead, I told Autumn what I was feeling. Just like last time, I shared my thoughts with her, instead of keeping them as secret processes in my mind.
I'm usually woefully bad at telling stories, and before the date, I even lamented the possibility of failing miserably while trying to do so with Autumn. Amazingly, though, I easily and smoothly (though excitedly) told her a story about work in a way that made her laugh. After that, I told a few more: suddenly, technique wasn't the issue. There was no issue, as long as I was with Autumn.
When neither of us could remember the name of the band that sang a song we both liked, I asked the waitress what kind of music she liked, and then just asked the question. When she finally figured it out for us, I gave her a high-five. Throughout the evening, I became so loose that I thought maybe I should speak less.
In general, things were fantastic. There were only a few things that bothered me. First, when Autumn fought me off to pay for the games with her credit card, I made a joke out of it (as I did with so many things), saying that she was messing up my gender role identity. She then asked if I preferred to pay, and I couldn't help but be honest with her, and said yes. Half-kidding, I added that I wasn't offended though, and wouldn't hold it against her. I'm not sure why, but at the time, I wondered if I should have handled it differently. Then, I simply forgot to help her take off her coat after pulling out her chair at the dinner table. Along with the awkward exchange with the veteran, these nuances distracted me a little. The point, as far as we're concerned here, is that I should have - of course - stayed present. I regained my composure, and for the most part, did so for the remainder of the evening.
By the end of our time at the mall, it was obvious that Autumn was, quite simply, fantastic. I'd never had such ease in talking to or having fun with anyone. I'd never been with anyone who was so much like me in so many ways - some defining, some minuscule. And I'd never been with anyone so selfless. She genuinely wanted to split the costs of dating, trying to insist on paying for dinner, too, for the second date in a row. She was always concerned with even the smallest things about me, like wanting to pick a prize I liked, or making sure she wasn't hurting my feelings by explaining why she thinks I'm dorky (somehow, she can see that through my cool exterior). She said she hadn't paid attention to where we'd parked, because she was too busy paying attention to me.
As we waited in line to redeem our tickets for prizes, it finally hit me. I looked at Autumn as we stood together, and my sight shifted almost involuntarily from one point on her face to another. There was something about her eyes. They were so soft and innocent that I can only describe them as angelic. She looked so beautiful that, for a moment, I was at a loss for what to even think. And then, I had the thought: "I'm going to marry this girl if I can." It's a thought that has comically appeared in this blog a couple times before, but this is different. It's different because I can handle it - I'm at my best with Autumn, no matter what I'm feeling. It's different because I have such a remarkable connection with her, instead of none at all. Spending time with her has shown me what I've been missing with all the other women who have transiently passed in and out of my life. Autumn is a game changer: I can't imagine how anyone is going to compare if she doesn't end up being the one.
When we got outside, for a while I couldn't manage to find my car in the massive parking lot. It could have been embarrassing, except that with Autumn, I was able to make fun of the situation instead. She joked that there "might not be a next time" because of it, but I was comfortable knowing it was just that - a joke.
I walked Autumn to her apartment unit door. She said "I'll see ya again soon, I'm sure." I didn't need the reassurance, but it was good to hear nonetheless. This time, she really was going for a hug, leaving the rest to me.
With my hand on her waist, I kissed the beautiful, sweet-hearted girl named Autumn who had captured my heart. It was incredibly soft and incredibly sweet. This time, our lips remained together as the kiss lingered in time.
I told her to have a good night, and she told me to enjoy my lip gloss. As I walked to my car, I noticed that the anxious feelings I'd had before the date had been completely replaced. Now, I was abound by emotions of joy, satisfaction, and optimism.
Oh, yeah. And possibly love, too.
This time, she asked me to come up to the door of her apartment unit to pick her up. We hadn't planned what to do for our date, but I suggested we go to a local restaurant/games place (think "adult Chuck-E-Cheese").
At first, I felt a little inhibited and jittery. I didn't panic, though. I understood that I hadn't seen Autumn in a full three weeks, so I just needed time to warm up. And warm up, I did. Before I knew it, I was once again easily chatting with her, without needing to search my mind for topics of conversation.
It's hard to remember what we were talking about, because it was all so fluent and natural, which is the norm for us. At times, we aren't really talking about anything. Among the people who have gotten to see the real me, I'm known for my constant kidding around; with Autumn, I've met my match. She makes me understand what I put my family and friends through. For example, when I mentioned the "cold steam" blasts at SuperBar, she debated me about it, saying that steam can't be cold and that I was really talking about "mist." There were several times when I had to force a change in subject, because she's content to keep playfully arguing or joking about the same thing just as long as I am!
In our last text message exchange, I had told Autumn not to worry that she had to break our previously planned date. Her response? ":)thanks babe." A term of endearment.
After only a few minutes with her in person, she started showing other signs of the way she felt about me as well. In fact, during the course of the date, she showed every sign.
The first was talking about our future. When I told her that I like fishing, but that none of my friends are really into it, she said "...we could go fishing." Soon after that, she was telling me about a drag racing venue, and asked if I wanted to do it with her. Later, when we passed a booth in the mall selling 3D images enshrined in acrylic, she joked that she should buy me one with her picture for Christmas. On the way home, I recalled something minor she told me on our first date, and she was impressed by my memory. She said that she'd better be careful, or else I might remember something she said 30 years later and throw it back in her face.
30 years later? Whoa.
The second sign? Touching me. Several times after I made a joke, she lightly touched my arm as she laughed. She also complimented me subtly, saying that she thought the dorky facial expressions and other aspects of my persona were cute.
The fourth sign was the biggest of all. She showed genuine curiosity about me, asking probing questions and spending time analyzing in effort to figure out aspects of my personality. For example, the latter part of the drive back to her place was spent discussing why I've never tried alcohol. When I momentarily took my eyes off the road to glance at my passenger, I saw that Autumn's face was lit up. She was both happy and fascinated.
Soon after we got in the mall, I was back to being my complete, zany, uninhibited self. I addressed all of the employees by the names on their name tags, and spoke to them in a confident, fun tone.
While we walked around deciding which games to play, I spotted an Iraq war veteran that I had once seen at my barber shop. His right arm was his only remaining limb. I excitedly asked, "Hey, how ya doin man?", and said that I had seen him at the shop. It ended up being a little awkward, because he didn't really recognize me (although his wife did), and I could sense that Autumn was taken aback by the sight of a man who had lost so much. She didn't comment on the exchange, and after a few minutes, we were back to normal.
As we played, I could tell that my date was having fun. She smiled and laughed, and whenever I heard her goofy signature snort, I knew things were going well. On the other end of things, I was loosening up more and more. With the music playing, I started to feel like doing some dancing. I started to bop around a little, but all-out dancing would have been completely out of place. Instead, I told Autumn what I was feeling. Just like last time, I shared my thoughts with her, instead of keeping them as secret processes in my mind.
I'm usually woefully bad at telling stories, and before the date, I even lamented the possibility of failing miserably while trying to do so with Autumn. Amazingly, though, I easily and smoothly (though excitedly) told her a story about work in a way that made her laugh. After that, I told a few more: suddenly, technique wasn't the issue. There was no issue, as long as I was with Autumn.
When neither of us could remember the name of the band that sang a song we both liked, I asked the waitress what kind of music she liked, and then just asked the question. When she finally figured it out for us, I gave her a high-five. Throughout the evening, I became so loose that I thought maybe I should speak less.
In general, things were fantastic. There were only a few things that bothered me. First, when Autumn fought me off to pay for the games with her credit card, I made a joke out of it (as I did with so many things), saying that she was messing up my gender role identity. She then asked if I preferred to pay, and I couldn't help but be honest with her, and said yes. Half-kidding, I added that I wasn't offended though, and wouldn't hold it against her. I'm not sure why, but at the time, I wondered if I should have handled it differently. Then, I simply forgot to help her take off her coat after pulling out her chair at the dinner table. Along with the awkward exchange with the veteran, these nuances distracted me a little. The point, as far as we're concerned here, is that I should have - of course - stayed present. I regained my composure, and for the most part, did so for the remainder of the evening.
By the end of our time at the mall, it was obvious that Autumn was, quite simply, fantastic. I'd never had such ease in talking to or having fun with anyone. I'd never been with anyone who was so much like me in so many ways - some defining, some minuscule. And I'd never been with anyone so selfless. She genuinely wanted to split the costs of dating, trying to insist on paying for dinner, too, for the second date in a row. She was always concerned with even the smallest things about me, like wanting to pick a prize I liked, or making sure she wasn't hurting my feelings by explaining why she thinks I'm dorky (somehow, she can see that through my cool exterior). She said she hadn't paid attention to where we'd parked, because she was too busy paying attention to me.
As we waited in line to redeem our tickets for prizes, it finally hit me. I looked at Autumn as we stood together, and my sight shifted almost involuntarily from one point on her face to another. There was something about her eyes. They were so soft and innocent that I can only describe them as angelic. She looked so beautiful that, for a moment, I was at a loss for what to even think. And then, I had the thought: "I'm going to marry this girl if I can." It's a thought that has comically appeared in this blog a couple times before, but this is different. It's different because I can handle it - I'm at my best with Autumn, no matter what I'm feeling. It's different because I have such a remarkable connection with her, instead of none at all. Spending time with her has shown me what I've been missing with all the other women who have transiently passed in and out of my life. Autumn is a game changer: I can't imagine how anyone is going to compare if she doesn't end up being the one.
When we got outside, for a while I couldn't manage to find my car in the massive parking lot. It could have been embarrassing, except that with Autumn, I was able to make fun of the situation instead. She joked that there "might not be a next time" because of it, but I was comfortable knowing it was just that - a joke.
I walked Autumn to her apartment unit door. She said "I'll see ya again soon, I'm sure." I didn't need the reassurance, but it was good to hear nonetheless. This time, she really was going for a hug, leaving the rest to me.
With my hand on her waist, I kissed the beautiful, sweet-hearted girl named Autumn who had captured my heart. It was incredibly soft and incredibly sweet. This time, our lips remained together as the kiss lingered in time.
I told her to have a good night, and she told me to enjoy my lip gloss. As I walked to my car, I noticed that the anxious feelings I'd had before the date had been completely replaced. Now, I was abound by emotions of joy, satisfaction, and optimism.
Oh, yeah. And possibly love, too.
3 comments:
Hey,
I've been following your blog for a while now and have read all your posts. As a past sufferer of SA, it's really fantastic to hear that you're doing so well. Well done for putting so much into it and getting the results you want in life.
It's great that you've met Autumn and I hope the relationship continues to grow into something wonderful. Sounds like she's something different and special. I assume there will be no more dates or bumping and grinding in the clubs, but onto new things I guess!
All the best,
Nick :)
Nick, thank you so much! It means a lot to me to know people are rooting for me. In fact, I don't know if I could have done all of this without the blog. I am also happy to see the "past" adjective in your self-description...that means you've done something great.
As for no more dates...I assume you mean with other people :) For now, I really could still date other women too, but I don't have the motivation for anyone else now, and Autumn surely feels the same way, so we'll see. As far as the clubs go, I think now I'll just focus on having fun and making some new friends there.
With inhibition mostly behind me now, the possibilities in this world are endless. There's good stuff coming down the pike.
Mr. Super Duper Neat-O,
I love your blog. Been reading for a bit... this is about the post you recently deleted about not having heard from Autumn in a bit and feeling anxious.
I'm 30, have had many relationships and STILL get that feeling.
Just wanted to say it's not a social anxiety thing, it's a love thing.
That being said I find if I have more than one girl I'm interested in this never becomes an issue.
I am a one-woman man myself, which you also seem... so even if it feels right to stick to one, it might not be best in the long-run.
Even if you're in a relationship you need to keep up attraction and options.
My 2cents.
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