Since the last post, I haven't been on any other dates, but there has been a lot of activity in my mind about the subject. My response to Ashlley's comment is a bit long, so here we are again, back in the main blog.
Ashlley Elias said...
Ashlley Elias said...
Mr. Super Duper Neat-O,
I love your blog. Been reading for a bit... this is about the post you recently deleted about not having heard from Autumn in a bit and feeling anxious.
I'm 30, have had many relationships and STILL get that feeling.
Just wanted to say it's not a social anxiety thing, it's a love thing.
That being said I find if I have more than one girl I'm interested in this never becomes an issue.
I am a one-woman man myself, which you also seem... so even if it feels right to stick to one, it might not be best in the long-run.
Even if you're in a relationship you need to keep up attraction and options.
My 2cents.
Ashlley, wow - talk about hitting the nail on the head! Over the last two days, I started coming to the exact same conclusion, which I now feel a lot more comfortable with, thanks to you.
For those who didn't catch it, I wrote and deleted a post entitled Autumn Uncertainty. I hadn't heard from Autumn in over two weeks, and frankly, I was worried. Worried, anxious, depressed...the whole nine yards. These feelings were so strong that they were starting to practically ruin day after day of my life. I was doing a terrible job of dealing with the uncertainty, ceaselessly ruminating over the possibilities of what could have gone wrong. I considered every little thing, from the quality of my goodnight kiss, to the possibility of her having stumbled upon the blog. I was terrified of the prospect of never finding out what had actually happened, but Tuesday, she finally called.
She implied that she hadn't replaced her cell phone since breaking it a few days before our last date, and had finally borrowed one from a friend. I had called her 3 times, but apparently she couldn't have received any of the calls.
We chatted for about 8 minutes, until she said she was going to bed, if I didn't mind. I said goodnight, but she added,
"After my parents come and go [they were coming to visit], we should go out again."
I simply said "Alright."
She then asked, "Is that a yes? Or is that 'no, I'm brushing you off'?"
I reaffirmed that I wanted to go out, and asked when her parents would be leaving.
Finally, I had some peace.
At least, for a little while.
Today, something else started to bother me. It's come up before, but I haven't mentioned it in the blog. I noticed on eHarmony that she had closed our match, and my mind immediately started swirling, trying to figure out why. My first thought was that maybe she didn't want me to be able to view her profile anymore, where I could see if she changed it for the reason of pursuing other men on the site.
I couldn't stand the thought! The night after our first date, I noticed that she had updated her profile. Even that worried me a little, but I was able to let it go because I knew that she didn't even know whether or not I was interested yet. Then, when the psychic made references to Autumn's "current relationship" on our second date, Autumn pointed out that she was dating other people as well in order to explain to the psychic that she wasn't really in a relationship. This bothered me even more, but I managed to rationalize that other guys might not be getting past the Starbucks date with her. After our third date, I just couldn't stand the thought of anyone else getting physical with her the way I did. I understood that she would at least be curious to see who else she could meet - even after finding me, who she liked - but if so, I really didn't want to see or hear anything that would make me think about it.
It's tough, but these are the kinds of things that go on in my mind.
By tonight, I realized that this is all just too much. I've tried to contact Autumn every week since I've met her, but now she's made it at least another 3 weeks between dates. I simply cannot place so much importance on my budding relationship with her. Between worrying about seeing her and worrying about her seeing other people, I'd lose my mind at this rate.
This is how I came to the conclusion that Ashlley suggested. The solution is simple: I have to pursue and date other people. I very well may be with Autumn forever, but until we become exclusive with a Facebook-official relationship status, I'm going to do my best to make sure I have a date with someone I like every single week. I had even stopped accepting new matches on eHarmony, so this represents a major change in the direction of the mission. Meeting a new round of people will be a great opportunity for me to continue moving far away from my inhibited days, further improving and stabilizing the skills I've developed over the past 15 months. It will also give me the opportunity to experience dating other people without inhibition. This way, I will have a comparison so that if Autumn does end up being the one, I will never have to wonder.
P.S. I've just started updating the daily Lab Notes entry again. I noticed that some of the themes from this post are already showing up there. I'll try to stick to writing there regularly now - it should help.
For those who didn't catch it, I wrote and deleted a post entitled Autumn Uncertainty. I hadn't heard from Autumn in over two weeks, and frankly, I was worried. Worried, anxious, depressed...the whole nine yards. These feelings were so strong that they were starting to practically ruin day after day of my life. I was doing a terrible job of dealing with the uncertainty, ceaselessly ruminating over the possibilities of what could have gone wrong. I considered every little thing, from the quality of my goodnight kiss, to the possibility of her having stumbled upon the blog. I was terrified of the prospect of never finding out what had actually happened, but Tuesday, she finally called.
She implied that she hadn't replaced her cell phone since breaking it a few days before our last date, and had finally borrowed one from a friend. I had called her 3 times, but apparently she couldn't have received any of the calls.
We chatted for about 8 minutes, until she said she was going to bed, if I didn't mind. I said goodnight, but she added,
"After my parents come and go [they were coming to visit], we should go out again."
I simply said "Alright."
She then asked, "Is that a yes? Or is that 'no, I'm brushing you off'?"
I reaffirmed that I wanted to go out, and asked when her parents would be leaving.
Finally, I had some peace.
At least, for a little while.
Today, something else started to bother me. It's come up before, but I haven't mentioned it in the blog. I noticed on eHarmony that she had closed our match, and my mind immediately started swirling, trying to figure out why. My first thought was that maybe she didn't want me to be able to view her profile anymore, where I could see if she changed it for the reason of pursuing other men on the site.
I couldn't stand the thought! The night after our first date, I noticed that she had updated her profile. Even that worried me a little, but I was able to let it go because I knew that she didn't even know whether or not I was interested yet. Then, when the psychic made references to Autumn's "current relationship" on our second date, Autumn pointed out that she was dating other people as well in order to explain to the psychic that she wasn't really in a relationship. This bothered me even more, but I managed to rationalize that other guys might not be getting past the Starbucks date with her. After our third date, I just couldn't stand the thought of anyone else getting physical with her the way I did. I understood that she would at least be curious to see who else she could meet - even after finding me, who she liked - but if so, I really didn't want to see or hear anything that would make me think about it.
It's tough, but these are the kinds of things that go on in my mind.
By tonight, I realized that this is all just too much. I've tried to contact Autumn every week since I've met her, but now she's made it at least another 3 weeks between dates. I simply cannot place so much importance on my budding relationship with her. Between worrying about seeing her and worrying about her seeing other people, I'd lose my mind at this rate.
This is how I came to the conclusion that Ashlley suggested. The solution is simple: I have to pursue and date other people. I very well may be with Autumn forever, but until we become exclusive with a Facebook-official relationship status, I'm going to do my best to make sure I have a date with someone I like every single week. I had even stopped accepting new matches on eHarmony, so this represents a major change in the direction of the mission. Meeting a new round of people will be a great opportunity for me to continue moving far away from my inhibited days, further improving and stabilizing the skills I've developed over the past 15 months. It will also give me the opportunity to experience dating other people without inhibition. This way, I will have a comparison so that if Autumn does end up being the one, I will never have to wonder.
P.S. I've just started updating the daily Lab Notes entry again. I noticed that some of the themes from this post are already showing up there. I'll try to stick to writing there regularly now - it should help.
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