New Strategies

We're rapidly approaching the 9-month mark. Nine months of effort that has never once ceased.

I've been growing extremely impatient lately. Since the last fiasco, my feelings of restlessness have been greater than anything I could put into words. To some extent, that's okay. After all, could you really expect anything less from someone as determined as I? Nine months is a long time, but evidently not enough to completely reverse a situation that has had over 18 years to develop.

In my restless desire for change and excitement (the definition of impatience, verbatim), I've been overlooking much of the success of the last nine months. So far, most of my dating experiences have not generally been successful, and by their very nature, many have caused me a great deal of heartache. But from day 1, dating was always just a single part of a much larger plan.

I've been gaining tons of experience. There have been off days, but overall, we've seen my anxiety/nervousness reduced, and my confidence/conversation skills improve. Here's a quick recap of my major new experiences:

1) 25 dates we remember all too well (from match.com and eHarmony.com).

2) 3 first-time meetings with "strictly platonic" intentions (from craigslist.com).
#1: August. I was shy, but not too nervous, and we hung out again. Then, I was myself with her. We'll be hanging out for the sixth time on Saturday. The one new friend I've actually made!

#2: September. I was shy, and a little nervous too. She ignored me afterwards.

#3: January. I was completely myself - it was amazing. But she ignored me afterwards anyway.

3) One failed attempt at being friends with someone I went out on 1 date with. Just this month, but it was an off-day and I wasn't myself.

Oops. Turns out, those are the only things that qualify as "major." Of course, I met up with some groups from meetup.com, prosinthecity.com, and elsewhere, but I felt as if I didn't manage to achieve any more on those days than I did before I even started this mission.

And so, I have to do much more. It's become urgent. Urgent, because early on I decided that I wanted to make extraordinary progress within a single year. Urgent, because I can feel myself slipping into the abyss of shyness at work. The abyss where I can usually count the words I've said in a single day, and where I start to feel anxious about even trying to make conversation, because I know people won't expect it from me. That's the reality I suffered growing up, and I can't go back to that.

That said, some new strategies are in order. For one, I need to do a little (or a lot) better with the old idea of joining clubs. Group situations are the hardest for me, and as a result, my attempts so far just haven't worked. My new plan is to find something where I will be forced to get to know a group of people around my age by seeing them regularly, and where I will be forced to - you guessed it! - talk to them. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them, but the first thing I've come up with is to take an acting class. Actors are anything but shy. I'll have no choice but to talk to my classmates, and I won't even have to think of what to say, since it'll be scripted! I think it's a brilliant idea, but I'll hold off on further discussion until I try it out.

Second, I'm going to have to come up with something at work. If I have to require myself to do a certain amount of talking every day, then that's what I'll do.

Third, I'm going to continue to try to meet friends on craigslist. Believe it or not, I've been monitoring the listings all the time, but haven't met anyone other than the 3 people I mentioned. I've now moved on to posting my own ad - picture and all - and I'm corresponding with a couple people who I will try to meet up with soon.

Lastly, I need to come up with even more ideas to keep myself socially immersed, and I need to follow through with them, no matter how difficult. I'll also continue the dating, but with notion of being more patient. Like I said in July: to try is to succeed.

The Mind of a Man on a Mission

I just dumped the contents of my brain into the Daily Thoughts And Other Ramblings entry. I had neglected to use it the last four months (!), but after the last couple fiascos, I really needed to use it as an outlet.

Nightmare

As I made the lonely journey last night from the city back to my home in the suburbs, my eyes watered with tears. It felt like I had finally reached a breaking point. The "mission" looked more like "mission impossible." Only I couldn't make light of my situation with such a comparison - I had reached the depths of despair.

It started with my twenty-fifth date since launching a mission and blog aimed at developing social abilities, and a social life to go along with them. It was one of my rare second-dates - only the fourth person I had ever met up with more than once.

We were just going to dinner and a movie (her idea), and this time, I was genuinely looking forward to it. Not for the usual chance to improve my skills and gain experience, but because I thought it would actually just be lots of fun. I'd felt that our first date had been flawless, and we'd been communicating via text messages and e-mails for the past two weeks. This was unlike any other of my experiences. My new acquaintance seemed to be absolutely crazy about me. At least, in text.....

I picked her up at her home in the city. When I called her to tell her I'd arrived, I tried to continue the confidence that I exuded online.

"What's up, babe?"

But once I actually saw her person, I felt a little awkward. In the first few minutes, with me driving and her giving directions, I knew I was coming across as a little awkward and a little nervous, as I stumbled ever so slightly when I spoke. I'd had what I thought was a great little mental list of things to talk about, but after we were finally together, I failed to remember them easily. The result? Some silences to go with my slight stumbling. Stop-and-go conversation - nothing fluent. I soon began to improve a bit, but not enough.

And that was it. After about 15 minutes - before we arrived at our destination - I saw it. That far-away look in her eyes. Glancing over at my passenger, and I knew without doubt what she was thinking. I wasn't what she expected. She didn't want to be out with me.

But I was improving. By the time we were seated at the restaurant, I was quite comfortable. In fact, I was back to being "completely myself" - at least in flashes. I was doing what I always do. Keeping the conversation light and fun. Making humorous little comments, if not jokes. None of it, though, had any effect on her.

Even when the conversation seemed to be going well, she clearly wasn't interested. She kept looking at her cell phone. But it was worse than just looking. At one point, she was looking down, reading and/or writing text messages while I was trying to talk to her. I waited, and couldn't believe how long she was willing to divert her attention away from me and to her cell phone instead.

I was doing about as well as ever at times, but it was all to no avail. She didn't like anything I said, or anything I did. For example, she mentioned she had been picking up Spanish from a roommate, and I asked if she wanted to try to have a conversation with me in Spanish. She said, "Is that what you want to do?" Nope....she didn't want to humor me. At one point, she seemed to test me by asking me what I thought about Obama's "race speech" - American politics. Probably the most uncomfortable topic she could have brought up. She then proceeded to one last trial, and though I tried to keep up, I was sure I had failed that as well.

As the night went on, things mostly just continued to deteriorate. She seemed to see no humor, or even any interest in much of anything I said. And the red flag had risen - she'd stopped asking me questions, even reciprocal ones. We had time to chat and hang out before the movie started, but instead, she just kept at her cell phone (which she did throughout much of the movie as well).

On the way back to her house, she said something about me driving faster. She couldn't wait to get away from me! She asked almost zero questions of me on the way back. Not even a simple "how about you?" in response to one of mine.

She half-heartedly hugged me and said thanks for dinner - something like that - and did it as soon as I got out of the car. I told her I would walk her to her door. She didn't even turn around to look at me as she said goodbye. Instead, she spoke while unlocking and opening the door, clearly trying to avoid any possibility of a goodnight kiss.

Which brings us back to the teary-eyed ride home. Of course, I wasn't brought to tears by the mere realization that I would never see this person again. Sure, it was disappointing. We'd had a lot of fun talking online, and the first date had been great. The possibilities were endless! But that's not enough for me to suffer a breakdown.

Instead, it was the feeling that I was living a sort of nightmare. I thought about the effort I'd put into this mission of mine since July. Eight and a half months, and what did I have to show for it?

For once, I didn't have anybody else lined up. I'm not even talking to anyone else online now. There is absolutely nothing on the horizon. As for friends.... it's been hard to find them. I've met up 1-on-1 with four people just as friends. One of them I still see - amazing! I'll never take that for granted. But two of them completely ignored me after our meetings. The other I saw on Sunday, and she seemed not to even like me very much. In fact, my time with her reminds me of last night. I've seen in at least three instances that women somehow resent me when they've gone out with me and, for whatever reason, have lost interest. It's crazy! I'm friendly, I make my best effort at conversation, and I'm a gentleman who pays for everything....and what do I get? Spite?

When I arrived home, I sent this e-mail to my date. Partly because I was a little angry. Partly because I wanted to experiment. Partly because it would give me something to focus on, other than my own apparent failure. And partly because I hoped it might have the miraculous effect of giving me another chance. Here's the final exchange in its entirety:

"Hey Katie. Ok, so I hope you don't take this the wrong way.... regardless of how interested you are or aren't in someone, it's really rude to stay on your cell messages when they're taking you out. I was really annoyed at dinner and torn between letting it go and busting our evening over it...I know no one's perfect, but I feel like everyone knows better than that, so I scarcely even wanted to talk to you. I had my cell on silent, not even vibrate, and never looked at it. But yeah, don't take it the wrong way....I just got to thinking how tired I am going to be tomorrow over someone who couldn't even ignore their cell a few hours for me, and I thought it'd do us both some good for me to tell you this."

"Hey,

First I wanted to say thank you for dinner and a movie. Secondly, I want to agree with you. and thirdly, I just wanted to say I don't think this is going to work out. You are a great guy, but I am just not feeling it. I wish you good luck in everything that you do. Have a great day."

"Good luck to you too! I hope you at least had a little fun, and I'm still glad we crossed paths in this world."

I only wish that I could be as cheerful as my final farewell. Cheerful, I am not. I trudged through the workday, exhausted. Beaten down. Depressed.

During that ride home, I'd thought about giving up. I wanted to somehow escape what I was feeling, but there was no way to do it. I was forced to endure life's greatest frustration - wanting desperately to escape myself, but knowing that it was impossible.

Things are clearer now. I know that if I give up, I'll be resigning to live the life I had when I started out in July. I can't live the best years of my life like that. And I know that despite all the heartbreak, I've definitely been making progress. It looks like this last girl wouldn't have liked me for who I actually am, anyway. That, I can live with.

And so, I believe that if I somehow continue this relentless effort, I'm bound to pull this thing off eventually. If it's impossible, I'm going to be the one to prove as much.

The Date-To-Friend Experiment

Last night was the night. The night I would try something totally new: hanging out as friends with someone I'd gone on a date with. Yep - with the girl I talked about last weekend. The one who disappeared after one e-mail of our eHarmony communication, and who then re-materialized months later, asking if I was single a few days before Valentine's Day. The one who I was somewhat awkward with on our first date, but who sent me a text immediately afterwards, saying that I was "clearly a great guy." She somehow lost interest before we could go out again, and I'd decided to experiment by texting her my true thoughts - that I thought she was "really special." She said she'd love to be friends, and so came last night....

Unfortunately, the story of last night isn't as interesting, or as good, as that recap. I picked her up, and we went to a comedy hypnosis show. As fascinating as it was, my interest in the show couldn't compare to my interest in becoming comfortable with my companion, who I hoped would become just my third (my dear, remote Facebook buddies not included) friend in this world.

Become comfortable, I did not. I felt a little "off" from the start, but not as bad as many times past. Even still, my efforts to make conversation were ineffective. I had a few things in mind going in, and asked questions - just like always. Most of the answers were brief, but that was the least of my worries.

Before long, I noticed the proverbial red flag that you and I have discovered through my dating experience. She wasn't asking me many questions! In fact, I'm pretty sure I can count on one hand the questions she asked me all night. As for intangibles, the vibes I felt from her ranged from "not good" to just plain bad. It was completely different from the day we'd met for a date. At one point, she made a wise-crack in response to something I said. It didn't feel like the comments I make when I'm teasing others. Maybe it was just that she didn't smile when she said it, but it felt somehow scornful. The ensuing awkward silence didn't break until I came up with something else to say, trying to downplay the incident. In my mind, I implored her to help me out and ask some questions - but to no avail. Lots of people have failed to ask questions, but this was worse, because she seemed to be talking minimally about herself as well.

We didn't have to speak for about 3 hours during the show, and I spent much of the time worrying about the ordeal, trying to figure out how to turn it around. I decided to try to just relax and be natural - after all, we were just hanging out as friends - but I didn't do any better afterwards.

She only lives about 10 minutes away from the comedy club, so we didn't actually spend much time chatting. I wondered what it would have been like if we had gone out to dinner together - yikes!! My overall impression was that for some reason, she didn't like much very much anymore. And I wasn't crazy about her anymore, either. I may be a little nervous sometimes, but at least I'm friendly and put forth my best effort at conversation.

And so, I'll try to brush it off and just keep moving forward. I have a date tomorrow with someone who I actually felt a friendship vibe with. How backwards! Hopefully I won't regress on that one, but regardless of how it goes, I'll do my best and just keep moving forward. As for this girl....she's been an experiment all along. Last night was a little painful, but I won't swear her off just yet. After all - I don't have anything to lose.

Another Experiment in Transparency

Last weekend, I had a pleasant surprise. The girl I met a few weeks ago - the amazing one, who I was completely and hopelessly nervous with - finally responded to the e-mail I had sent her afterwards. I thought it was a perfect opportunity to experiment again with transparency. I wondered how she'd react if I told her exactly what I was thinking. So I did.

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Me to Her, Feb 22
Hey Jan. It was fun seeing you the other day, in the flesh and all. You know I thought you looked different in person, and I just figured it out - no nose ring! At least, I didn't notice one :) Anyway, hope your bibliography turned out well and you came out of the ice storm unscathed for once. =)

Her to me, Mar 8
Hey James! Omg i am so sorry for getting back to you so late! I have been overloaded with work since we last saw each other.. In fact, I am approaching finals very soon! It was fun meeting you, I had a good time. And yes, you are right, I got rid of my nose ring because my mother absolutely hated it.. she let me wear it for 3 years and made me swear that I would remove it when i go back to school.. to be honest, i do miss it.

Well I hope you are well. I just wanted to let you know, things are gonna be kinda crazy for me because of school and don't know if I will have much time for anything else.. but thanks again for hanging out with me! :) It was nice to talk with someone outside of school. Take care!!

Janet

Me to Her
Hey Jan. Good to hear from you :) Well it looks like it's safe for me to confess this now...I think you're amazing! Actually so much that I was so nervous with you I literally couldn't even speak...hahaha! As I'm sure you noticed! Good luck on finals and everything :)

Her to Me
I have to say that was a very sweet email.. i have never heard anything like that before and so I can honestly say that I am pretty embarrassed. It sucks that school is really sucking up all my time, it would be very unfair for you since you live all the way in Brookline. But I want you to know that I think you are seriously really sweet and have seriously the nicest smile! Please feel free to call me when you are bored or if you are ever in Boston.. I am done with finals on Friday and am planning on going out to celebrate.. you are more than welcome to come out if you want. I will be out of the country on March 17th- the time has finally arrived for me to go to Peru.. so this weekend I want to just have fun :) Anyhow, I hope you choose to keep in touch. Jan

PS Are you on facebook? Can I add you? I totally want to share Peru pictures with you!

Me to Her
Yeah, are you the one in the LA network with the family profile photo? My last name is Napolitano....it might have been your last name in a couple years too if I hadn't been so nervous, cause ordinarily you wouldn't have been able to resist me.
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Of course, the names of the people and cities have been changed. I'll unshroud the mystery of who I am and what I look like after I finish this thing. But for now, I thought it would be fun to give you a glimpse into what goes on during "the mission." In this case, I don't think trying to be friends with her will work.....but I'm hanging out on Sunday with the first date-turned-friend I created a week ago, also by being transparent. I'll let you know how it goes.

Laboratory World

I'm entirely fascinated by this mission of mine. I'm experiencing things that I only imagined before....and it's amazing.

It's amazing, because it's all about people. Nothing in the world is more interesting.

In my days of social isolation, I always had this one crazy idea. I thought it would be incredible if somehow there were a laboratory world of sorts. A laboratory world where you could try interacting with people without having any fear of the consequences. A world with an undo button.

I came to realize that my mission provides me with a sort of laboratory world. I go on so many dates that you have to think: How important could any single one of them be? If I tried something crazy, what negative consequence could possibly result? None of these connections has worked out so far anyway, so why not have fun with them, throw caution to the wind, and learn something?

As I lay in bed last night, I got the idea that I was going to do something crazy. Something in particular.

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned a girl who I had a tentative second-date planned with, but who left me hanging instead of getting back to me with an exact time. A couple days after that, I busted her via text message.

"Why didn't you bother to text me back at all? you know, I was keeping Saturday open for you."
"I'm so sorry! I ended up staying with my cousin... I owe you!"

"Baby, you could have easily told me that before. What should I think?"
"That I was an inconsiderate butt head?"

"Yup, and now next time you're gonna have to break gender roles and do the asking-out. goodnight"
"I don't believe in gender roles....Goodnight"

Now, there are two points here. The first is that I would have been way too inhibited to say that over the phone or in person, instead of in text. The second thing is that I had thought about just telling her to have a nice life, but I decided at the last second not to blow her off.

I decided not to blow her off because I figured I could at least experiment like that. I could have a little fun with it. And I also didn't blow her off because there was something unique about this girl. She had a blog, not completely unlike this one, where she gave insight into what was going on in her heart and mind. She'd linked this blog in her e-mail signature, perfectly willing to share it, even with someone (i.e., me) that she was going to meet for a blind date. And immediately after that date, she told me that I was "clearly a great guy." This girl was completely transparent. Unlike anyone I'd ever met.

She was so unique that I found myself thinking about her, even after my fourth date with another girl, when that connection was at its peak.

But she never did take her then-mandatory turn to ask me out. So last night, the particular crazy idea was that I wouldn't let this end silently. I would be transparent just like her, and tell her exactly how I felt about her.

As I prepared to text the message, I had second thoughts. It was too deep. Too revealing. But it was a text message, so I could force myself to push the send button, and then go hide.

"Hey Ash. Since it looks like we won't be hanging out, I want to confess something... I think you're really special."

The stuff of a lab world. How she would react, I had no idea. Even in the comfort of my own bedroom, I was so embarrassed that I turned my ringer on silent and buried my head in a pillow.

Eventually, I mustered the courage to take a peek at my phone. I had 1 new text message.

"Thanks... I felt that way about you too just didn't think we were a good match. I'd love to be friends if you're up for that?"

Ahh! Interesting - she had "friended" me, but I didn't find it upsetting at all. I was completely unphased. In actuality, I wasn't sure how good of a match we were, either. My interest in her had grown a lot since we met, with her sending me that "great guy" text message, and with me reading her soulful blog entries. I don't know if she likes many of the things that I do, or if we're in any way each other's "type," but I was drawn to her because of her unique honesty. Drawn to her, because I felt she was somehow a kindred spirit. I wanted to be with her so that I could take away her pain. I wanted her to be with me, so that she could take away mine.

I texted back one word: "Sure"

Then I thought about it a bit. Could I actually be friends with her? The "friends speech" is something that's usually administered as a polite way to end an association with someone after dating. Rarely does anyone actually make a friend that way. But this girl was different, and I thought she really meant what she said.

I thought a little more. There is't much I wouldn't do to have a few more friends....even one. But would it be awkward seeing her after my little experiment with transparency? Perhaps, but March is about trying harder, so it was worth the risk. In fact, there isn't anything to lose.

15 minutes later, I decided I should text her again. I could say anything to this girl - at least over text messages.

"Wait, I mean, that would be great. I wasn't merely trying to be polite, hope you weren't either...haha"

"Of course not... I didn't have to reply. Let's try & do something next weekend."

Pretty interesting. If I hadn't had the guts to use my life as an experiment, I probably wouldn't have ever heard from her again, let alone had the chance to become friends with her.

That last part remains to be seen. I'm going to meet up with her again, and hope it's not awkward. I'm not carrying a torch for this girl any more than she is for me, so I hope she doesn't think as much. After all, I began to feel most of my affection for her after reading her blog. She felt it for me only after a date on which I was more "off" than usual, stuttering with simple words and sentences. Odd.

I'll continue to use the world as my laboratory, and give it a try.

A Possible Beginning

I didn't get much sleep this week. When I started this mission over the summer, I didn't have a job, so I had all the time in the world to go on dates. Finding time was a piece of cake. Now, not so much - I get home from work at 6, and have to get up early in the morning. But I was determined to keep making progress, so yesterday I went out on my second weekday date in three nights.

I was meeting another girl from eHarmony. I only go out with girls I'm convinced there's potential with now, and they are few and far between on that site.

I had spoken to her on the phone for five minutes to set up the Starbucks meeting. I was pretty close to perfect on the phone. I decided to try what I did on the last date that had gone so well. I was going to try to be confident, and have fun with it. These blind dates are always interesting....something you should try.

And this one had a particularly interesting start. We were supposed to meet up at 8:07 at Starbucks. She sent me a text at 7:39 saying she was on her way, in case I was worried. I responded without inhibition, just as I'd communicated before my last date.

"Why would I be worried? There's no way you could pass up the chance to meet me, babe."

And then I found myself sitting at Starbucks. I looked at my watch. It was 8:30.

I called her.
No answer.

Wow. Was my perfect streak of never being stood up in about 15 Starbucks dates finally ending? Had I actually offended her with my little confidence joke?!?!

So I tried texting her; I told her I was just joking.

She texted me back. Whew! She said she was already there, and hoped she was in the right place. It turned out there was another Starbucks across the parking lot, in plain sight. Oops!
I had been getting nervous, but I immediately called her again, and felt good once I heard her voice. She was a nice, sweet girl, and wasn't standing me up to prove a point. So much for perception.

We worked it out; she drove over to my Starbucks, and then we drove back to hers at 9:00 when they kicked us out. I was pretty comfortable. Not quite as much as last time, but after a few moments with her, I was mostly free of anxiety and nervousness. I was myself!

She was great. She was one of those surprisingly-rare girls who took an interest and asked me questions. She was really just like me, pulling out nice conversation topics and being interested in what I had to say. The only difference was that she is like I eventually want to be - smooth, and natural.

And so I hadn't had time to prepare a mental list of topics, and I didn't need it. Between the two of us making an effort, it was easy to come up with plenty to talk about. We talked about all kinds of things, even politics, and found we had little things in common as well as bigger ones. Believe it or not, she randomly brought up a topic from my list: "favorite color." I told her that that yellow was a better color than pink, and somehow, the colors topic turned out to be significant. She transitioned it to other things, like clothing, remarkably using the same skill that I've been trying to master since I started this blog.

We chatted until I said we'd better go home and get ready for work in the morning.

(A side note: our e-mail conversation was completely different. Mostly, she had just asked me questions about my relationships with women...ha!....and she had wanted to know things like if I had ever cheated on a partner. This went on for several days, until I finally just told her I had never even had sex with anyone, and was the exact opposite of the jerks she'd dated before).

She said she'd text me when she got home safely (her idea), and she did. She said, "Thanks for the night and the drink!" Even before that, I'd had the impression that it was definitely a good date. For the second time in three nights, I came out of a date feeling that I didn't have to wonder about whether or not there would be another.

A Definite Ending

On March 6, something that began on December 2 ended. Yep. After three months, my connection with the girl who prompted both elated and dejected blog entries came to an end.

I sent her one last text. I said she hadn't answered my previous one, and asked if I should make other plans. After she didn't respond in five or six hours, I decided to end it. She'd caused me too much grief; I couldn't hold on to hope any longer, possibilities or not. I had saved every text message she'd sent me - there were many, and I deleted them all. Then I deleted her number from my cell phone; I didn't want to be reminded, let alone tempted. And I erased her e-mails from GMail, even clearing them permanently from the trash.

As I sat reflecting on it all, she texted me back. She said sorry she didn't respond, but she had to see what her weekend was going to look like. She was going to work most of the weekend, so she guessed I should make some plans.

This time, I didn't spend much time analyzing what she was probably thinking. There were too many problems. She'd left me hanging needlessly twice before - once even before we'd met. She hardly asked me any questions when we were together. How could I mention my career, best friend, and seeing my favorite band without her asking a single question about any of it? And I'd never seen her two weeks in a row. If she couldn't find an hour or two so she could see me twice in two weeks (or at least return my calls, or suggest an alternate time), then she clearly wasn't interested enough, whether she came out and said it or not.

Despite my efforts, I always have a pathetic time dealing with uncertainty about these things, so I didn't want to leave the door ajar. Not even a little. So I replied. "Actually, I had already deleted your number. Good luck."

And so it ended.

The truth of the matter is that I should have stopped seeing this person after our second date. There were plenty of signs that it wasn't likely to last. But the other half of the story is what you already know: I actually needed the practice, so it was worth it. The only mistake was getting emotionally involved, but it's hard to avoid that when you're coming from where I started.

I gained a lot from the experience. By dating someone who did some things right and other things wrong, I learned what to eventually look for in a relationship, and I learned the signs that it's not going to work. I gained an understanding of what those (lucky) normal people who have relationships go through when one ends. Even though this girl ended up driving me crazy, to the point that I didn't even like her by the time I said my final goodbye, I still felt a little sad about it. There's just something about seeing the end of a connection with someone you shared hope and experiences with....this after a mere three months and four dates, so I can only imagine what it's like to end a serious relationship.

All of this may sound bleak, but it's not - at least, not entirely. My work is paying off! Considering I was 23 years old and had never even been on one date, it's amazing to have anything remotely resembling a break-up to tell you about.

March: Trying Harder

February was a slow month. It was a slightly shorter month, sure, but that's no excuse for only having a measley two experiences to discuss.

This month, I am going to make up for it.

I'm off to a fast start. I went on another first-date (#23 overall) yesterday, and it was virtually perfect. Far and away the best first-date I've been on. As usual, I felt a bit of anxiety in the minutes leading up to it, but so little that I deem it "normal-person stuff." After talking amorously to someone online for over a week, who wouldn't feel a little something before finally meeting them? I saw her looking out of the window of the Starbucks of Barnes & Noble, and I simply began to take the seat next to her, smiled, and said hey.

Things got off to a good start. I stayed calmer than usual, focusing outwardly instead of reacting to little things in my mind. Somehow, we got into something resembling an actual conversation while waited and ordered - usually, that's the awkward part. She asked me how my day at work was (my usual line!), and then something about my favorite basketball team. I answered calmly. Humorously. Comfortably..... this time, I was myself.

We took a seat, and nothing changed. The conversation moved naturally from one topic to another. I never had to search the list of topics in my mind. I'd even written a few things down beforehand, but I didn't have to try to remember them. It helped having prepared, though, because things she said triggered a few topics I had planned, and I asked her questions about them effortlessly.

This was one of the rare times when my date actually asked a good number of questions about me - it was nothing like usual, with me going through a list of questions and just listening. My voice was perfect. It took me no effort to think of what to say. I made jokes. I teased her. I was confident:

Her: "So what about you?"
Me: "What about me? ...I'm awesome....but you already knew that...."
Me: "You had a lot of questions before. What was with the flurry of questions the last few days?"
(Her girlfriends had made a list of questions to use in screening me. This led to a discussion of "deal-breakers" in dating)

Ccontrast that with the October date where I froze when asked, "tell me about yourself."

I can't stress it enough - I was completely myself. There were changes in my tone of voice, facial expressions, and other little things that were missing on all of the dates where I was nervous or tense. It was a lot like the way my interaction went with that one friend I've made since July.

I was aiming for 45 minutes, but she kept talking, trying to think of things to ask me. She even asked what I was doing the rest of the week, and told me all about what she had planned, even though it was nothing special (probably good signs here). I finally cut out after an hour and a half. I made one final joke about her bad driving, and she said "Have a safe drive home, and I'll talk to you later?" That question-format has been a bad omen in the past, but I felt sure that it was positive this time. I said "Alright, see ya" and that was it.

So, it was good. So good, in fact, that we should definitely try to figure out anything that I was doing differently this time.

1. I stayed calm at the beginning and focused externally.

2. I was completely unreserved when talking to her online beforehand. For example, she asked if I had ever been married, and I e-mailed her: "You'll be my first and last, baby, if you manage to play all your cards right." She responded positively, so I went into our first meeting determined to be just as confident in person, and to just have fun with this, since nothing else has gotten me very far anyway. (Side note - being uninhibited online and especially in person is A LOT of fun)

3. She asked me plenty of questions....things about my interests that I could actually answer easily. Not an improvement to be attributed to me, but maybe it just goes to show that it helps to be with the right person.

That's about it. I'm determined to try harder than I have been, so I'm going on yet another first-date tomorrow night.

In case anyone's wondering about the subject of my previous bleak post....today I decided I would either erase her phone number, texts, and e-mails - to put her completely behind me - or instead, try for a Hail Mary: one last text, just in case she wasn't really out of this. I texted, "What's up, babe? staying well?" and she sent an enthusiastic-looking response a few minutes later. I texted again, asking if she wanted to do something this weekend. I told her that if so, it was her turn to choose the day, time, and activity. 6 hours later, and no response....but we'll see.

Combined with having dated other girls, the whole fiasco with her apparently ignoring my calls made me realize that I should probably only be pursuing someone who's going to ask questions about me. How simple! I've also never seen her (or anyone else) two weeks in a row. I would love to date someone consistently. That'd be awesome in and of itself, but it would also give me the type of consistent social practice that could get me to the finish line by the one year anniversary of the blog.