This must be one of the most bipolar blogs on the Internet.
Since I've gotten things going, most of the posts have either been about A) one of the best times of my entire life, or B) one of the most miserable times of my entire life.
What's the deal, you ask? Well, I think it's just the nature of the beast. I'm on a quest to turn my life around, and attain all of the things I've been missing out on. Undeniably, friends and love - the ultimate human connection - are at the top of that list.
It's no surprise, then, that when I come close to finding such things after over a decade of yearning, I become as elated as one can be.
And when I lose those great possibilities.......I am crushed.
Today is another one of those days. I've been through it before, but this time is the worst. I thought the fourth-date I talked about in the last post was great. In fact, I edited my match.com profile to say that I was only interested in friends, because I thought that, for once, I didn't have to wonder whether I would see my companion again.
Well, it looks like I was wrong. I called her a couple times this week - no response. Unlike before, she didn't text or call me back. I've jumped to conclusions before, but this one looks really bad. It's a major disappointment (an understatement), because this time was different: for the first time, I'd been going out with someone I was mostly myself with. I was confident and relaxed, and everything seemed virtually flawless. My luck had finally changed! And I felt like she was lucky to have me as well.
It's hard to describe the feeling. I know almost everyone experiences some sort of romantic loss. I thought I could handle it better than most, but somehow, it just seems harder for me. Harder, because I've waited so long for something like this. Harder, because I can't stand the thought of starting over after it took over 2 months to get to this point with one person. Harder, because I put so much time, money, and energy into what I hoped to one day call my first relationship.
And so, here I am again. I still have the one friend I've made since I started in July, but other than that, I've only gained new experiences: nothing else has lasted very long.
I like to use the blog to vent. Right now, my goal is to somehow cease all of my rumination, where I try hopelessly to figure out what went wrong and what I could have done differently; where I think about how much I liked the girl, and yet do the opposite as well, trying to convince myself that the ending was for the best.
Of course, I'll look like a fool for writing this if it turns out I just jumped to conclusions again. But regardless of what happens, I will carry on, putting my heart and soul into completing the mission by July 9.
Since I've gotten things going, most of the posts have either been about A) one of the best times of my entire life, or B) one of the most miserable times of my entire life.
What's the deal, you ask? Well, I think it's just the nature of the beast. I'm on a quest to turn my life around, and attain all of the things I've been missing out on. Undeniably, friends and love - the ultimate human connection - are at the top of that list.
It's no surprise, then, that when I come close to finding such things after over a decade of yearning, I become as elated as one can be.
And when I lose those great possibilities.......I am crushed.
Today is another one of those days. I've been through it before, but this time is the worst. I thought the fourth-date I talked about in the last post was great. In fact, I edited my match.com profile to say that I was only interested in friends, because I thought that, for once, I didn't have to wonder whether I would see my companion again.
Well, it looks like I was wrong. I called her a couple times this week - no response. Unlike before, she didn't text or call me back. I've jumped to conclusions before, but this one looks really bad. It's a major disappointment (an understatement), because this time was different: for the first time, I'd been going out with someone I was mostly myself with. I was confident and relaxed, and everything seemed virtually flawless. My luck had finally changed! And I felt like she was lucky to have me as well.
It's hard to describe the feeling. I know almost everyone experiences some sort of romantic loss. I thought I could handle it better than most, but somehow, it just seems harder for me. Harder, because I've waited so long for something like this. Harder, because I can't stand the thought of starting over after it took over 2 months to get to this point with one person. Harder, because I put so much time, money, and energy into what I hoped to one day call my first relationship.
And so, here I am again. I still have the one friend I've made since I started in July, but other than that, I've only gained new experiences: nothing else has lasted very long.
I like to use the blog to vent. Right now, my goal is to somehow cease all of my rumination, where I try hopelessly to figure out what went wrong and what I could have done differently; where I think about how much I liked the girl, and yet do the opposite as well, trying to convince myself that the ending was for the best.
Of course, I'll look like a fool for writing this if it turns out I just jumped to conclusions again. But regardless of what happens, I will carry on, putting my heart and soul into completing the mission by July 9.
2 comments:
I was thinking the other day something that has to do with this post, and that is I tend to get more touched emotionally when interacting with people than the average person. That works on the positive side mostly, and so, I find myself smiling hours later when some compliment has been made to me. I got to some interesting point: if I had the much busy social life most people have, I wouldn't give it that importance. And this can apply to your situation also: I suppose if you had the regular dating rate, you wouldn't care so much about losing some girl or another. In Spain we tend to say: "There are more chicks/guys than bottles" (sounds better in spanish, though). It's just that you're playing with a higher handicap. Try harder.
It's always been exactly the same thing with me. While I was socially isolated, even the smallest positive interaction with someone would make me really, really happy. In high school (when things were REALLY bad), I remember walking down the hall one day, when a former classmate named Alex spoke to me. He said "Hey James!" and I just said "Hey Alex." And I was smiling hours later. I'll never forget that, even though it seems like the simplest thing in the world.
So yes, I think there's something different about you, me, and everyone else like us - we'll never be able to take relationships for granted. That's great, but it also makes it a lot harder to deal with losing these things.
Try harder....wow. Sometimes it seems like I'm doing as much as I possibly can......but I know I'm really not. It's so tough! But I know it's worth it.
Gracias, amiga. I don't know what I'd do without you.
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