30th Try's a Charm

Things are back to full-speed. In fact, there's as much going on now as there ever has been. I've now completely recovered from my terrible performance in the first date after a six-week lull. I sent that girl a text, but she ignored it. As bad as the date was, I really needed it to shake off the rust. The next date was definitely better, but I can't be sure whether or not my new acquaintance was interested - I sent her a text asking her to have dinner, but she took a day to respond, then asked if we could do it another time because she had plans. That didn't bother me at all, because I have tons of irons in the fire right now. I met one of those irons today at Starbucks, for my 30th date:

I'd been feeling as relaxed as ever about this one. I e-mailed myself a brief list of conversation topics to look over at work, but I didn't think much about the upcoming event. I felt little to no anxiety about it. The fact that I had already done the whole first-date thing twice in about the last week, combined with the fact that I only had a moderate level of interest in the girl, made the whole thing feel as if it were no big deal. Would this relaxed feeling persist into the date?

She gave me a call while I was on the way. I answered and spoke, with my voice sounding just fine. I was at ease.

I continued not to think much about it. I called her when I arrived - I was still fine - and then I met her as she was walking towards me. I said hey, hugged her, and asked her if she'd found any good deals at the shoe store she was leaving. This time, I wasn't having any trouble thinking of things to say. I asked her which shoe store it was; I made a humorous comment about the Payless store on the other side of the shopping center; asked how her day was, and other stuff like that.

The conversation continued unusually smoothly as the date moved to its standard Starbucks location. I didn't really need the conversation topics I'd memorized (although they helped), because my date was asking me questions, talking a lot, and generally just helping me out. But there was something even more interesting going on: this girl really, really liked me.

She asked why I chose Starbucks. She said that Starbucks makes half of their business off people who go there for first-dates, and that a lot of people just "get rid" of their dates there - no second-date. In other words, she was referring to the one-and-done failed relationships that I've experienced about 15 times at Starbucks this year. The irony!

Throughout our conversation, she kept referring to the future. I asked about her college, and she suggested showing me the campus. We talked about basketball, and she mentioned playing against me one day. When she mentioned a computer problem from months ago, she said it was too bad she didn't know me then. Yep -- even her references to the past had the implication of us being together.

After about an hour (I'm always aiming for 45 minutes, but don't want to look at my watch), I said I'd better go get dinner, and let her go home and get some sleep. But she wasn't ready to let me leave! She started some more conversation. Several topics, including my last name. She then asked if I was having a good time - I just said yeah, and she got some more conversation going. After about 10 minutes, I asked if she was ready to head out. She obviously wasn't, but she did say "that's cool" this time.

I walked her out. I always tell you my date's last words....what does a girl say who is completely and undeniably interested?

She said "Thanks, and I hope you'll want to hang out again."

No mysteries there.

I told her to have fun fishing tomorrow, and she said she'd probably tell me all about it.

I think it's safe to say this one was a success.

Confidence 2008

I went on my 29th date Wednesday. Another first-date with a girl I'd met online (this time, at match.com), at another Starbucks.

I feel as if the huge six-week gap between dates was responsible for the poor performance I wrote about last time. In fact, it was a lot like starting over - not much better than the first date I went on in August! But maybe that's okay. I improved after that one, and experienced my first success 3 dates later. Hopefully this time, it wouldn't take so long to improve. And hopefully after this, I won't experience any more social lulls, and can stay comfortable onward through the rest of my years.

Back to date #29:

She was interesting - unlike anyone I've met so far. She started out by telling me that she was nervous, because she "isn't good at the first-date thing." Of course, that was fine by me! I always feel a lot less anxious after I've met the person and we've talked for a few moments, but her disclaimer put me even more at ease than usual.

She's about the sweetest girl you could imagine. She spoke slowly, pausing to think about things throughout the conversation. That, too, made me even more relaxed. I was a little off (a little bit of "voice thing" for those who remember that beast, and other stuff like that), but it was a lot better than last Sunday's date. This time, I'd gone into the date determined, no matter what, to remember 4 specific topics, for which recalling the subtopics was easy. I figured this way I could avoid any awkward silences in the conversation. I planned to fall back on the four topics (The Office tv show, food, phobias, and her dream of owning a boutique one day) only when the conversation stalled, but I ended up using all but one pretty early on.

It was going well enough that I started to feel as if I would definitely be seeing her again, if I wished. This was great, except for the fact that I became mentally distracted trying to estimate whether 45 minutes had passed so that I could end the date. When she apologized for doing most of the talking (she was, and this was fine by me!), I said "I'd actually better head back, I guess." It had been about an hour. I was able to smoothly end the conversation by asking about her weekend plans. She told me she was going to hug me; then she did so, and wished me good luck with my weekend football.

I feel like this girl is the easiest person to talk to that I've gone on a date with. She seems so easy to talk to that I'm actually planning to have dinner with her next week. I usually choose an activity like laser tag where minimal talking is required, but with her, I feel confident enough to handle an evening of conversation.

And more confident now, I am. I now have as many people to meet in person as I do free days in my week. It helps a lot knowing that if something doesn't work out, there's another opportunity right around the corner. My goal is to keep up this level of activity over the next six weeks, and build on my confidence.

Confidence is, perhaps, about half the battle. I've found that trying to psyche myself into feeling confident doesn't work. It seems the only way to gain it is to actually be successful with this social stuff.

Some interesting side notes:

Having friends is incredible. Thanks to this Mission of mine, I'm doing things now that I never did before: some things just don't fly solo. Last night I went to some bars and clubs with the friend I always mention, who I met when I started out last summer. With her, as I always say, I feel completely relaxed and confident - I'm just myself. In fact, it's a little crazy:

I'm the guy who's written 90 posts about a mission to overcome shyness. And yet, last night, I was at times able to be a lot wilder than the dozens of young people drinking alcohol (I've never had a drink) in the city. I danced when no one else was dancing. When everyone else was quiet, I yelled in jest "I LOVE YOU!!" at the Dave Matthews tribute band that was performing.

What if I could be that uninhibited all the time?

Pulse: Date #28

April 3rd - May 18th. It lasted an unbelievable six weeks, but the Grand Lull has finally come to an end.

First off, this hasn't been a case of me doing absolutely nothing for six weeks. I've been doing a lot more talking at work the last couple weeks, mainly because it's finally been needed for me to do my job. And last Thursday at lunch, I actually fell into being myself for a bit, having a lighthearted 1-on-1 debate with one of my coworkers (Windows versus Linux - computer geek stuff!).

Also, I've stuck with the football team I joined, which is in a social league. Most weeks have been pretty good, but last Saturday was very mixed. I was good sometimes, and unbelievably bad at others. We had a cookout after the games, and one of my female teammates asked me some questions about myself. Somehow, I forgot to elaborate (one of the several topics that will be in the Master Plan entry when I finally get around to updating it), and gave some one-word answers. It was pretty bad - to the extent that she jokingly said, "You're a man of few words!" When she asked me what I do on weekends, I totally drew a blank.

"Lots of different stuff..."
"Like what?"
"....."

Then I said movies, and stuff like that. It was strange, because I actually do a lot of interesting things on weekends - at least since I started this mission of mine. I ride horses every week, I've shot skeet, I've done rock climbing, I've taken dates to dinner theaters, played laser tag, tried unusual restaurants, gone to great concerts, visited a psychic... I took a hip-hop dance class, fooled around with golf...all kinds of stuff! But when she asked, none of it came to mind. Baffling!

The truth of the matter is, I was under some stress that day. Completely unrelated to this mission of mine, I was being affected by some of the rough parts of life that everyone has to go through. Not directly affecting me, this time, but being enough to have me feeling down and a little stressed. I figure that contributed to me temporarily reverting to my pre-mission level of social futility during that conversation.

That was Saturday, and I had a date planned for Sunday. Needless to say, I found the incident very alarming. I was quite interested in this next girl I'd be meeting, and I didn't want to crash and burn in another terrible date like the first ones when this all began. After six weeks, would I be horribly rusty? Would it be like starting all over again? Like back in August?

I decided to be pro-active and learn from the experience, and planned to go home and write out a list of things about myself so that they might come to mind when I was asked another question. I figured it'd be the opposite of my conversation topics list - a list of answers instead of questions.

When we were standing around, I made it a point to go up to one of my male teammates and start a conversation. And I did! We talked about sports for around 10 minutes, and I made it a point to interject some things about myself instead of just asking questions. One of the things I've learned in this group and in general is that most people don't seem to be used to the concept of needing to ask questions to get you to talk about yourself. If I don't interject such information on my own, the conversation usually turns into me mostly just asking questions.

And so came Sunday.

As luck would have it, I lost my internet access Saturday night. I couldn't review my date's eHarmony profile, nor could I review our e-mail conversations or my general list of conversation topics. I gathered most of it from memory and notes on my PC, but still - come time for the date, I still felt quite stressed from lack of sleep, trepidation about being rusty, and the depressing-part-of-life I'd been experiencing. But realizing as clearly as ever that my own time on earth is quite limited, I was determined to go through with resuming my mission.

And at last, she appeared at Starbucks - my 19th first-date from the Internet. I did the usual - said hello, asked a question about coffee, and asked how her weekend was going. As always, I felt less anxious after having met her and exchanged a few words, but I still felt just a little off. I had a great joke planned for her, but it completely slipped my mind until after we parted ways (read on - that part's interesting).

The date was pretty much the usual. I was able to ask questions and give some brief answers, and even make a few humorous comments...but I knew I wasn't loose. I wasn't myself. The whole thing was very stiff, and a little boring. One of the things I'd been thinking about over the last six weeks was the fact that these dates just aren't going to work out if I can't be myself with the other person. The conversation topics and all of that isn't really important! When I talk to the (coincidentally, female) friend that I made back in August, I don't need any of that. I'm automatically relaxed; it takes no effort to think of what to say, and I'm not reduced to searching my mind for a question like "what kind of food do you like?" The conversation just naturally flows with her - the way it does between most "normal" people.

I'd planned to sort of just imagine the way I feel when I talk to one of my two friends. I've done it in passing, and felt different - immediately more confident. But on this date, I was probably too stressed to manage that.

My goal was to end this date after 45 minutes, and it turned out to be a good idea, since we were experiencing repeated silences during the conversation. I remembered reading on her eHarmony profile that she thought it was obvious from the very beginning when two poeple have a connection. Our conversation was generally awkward, so I figured this one was definitely a goner. Nothing new, but I'd never see her again.

....or would I?

I glanced at my watch, and saw that it'd been almost an hour. I told her I'd better head back. Interestingly, she asked me a couple more questions, instead of just getting up to end our little chat. At the next silence, I asked if she wanted to head out, and so we did.

We walked to her cars, and.....here it is, folks....the point in every date blog entry where I tell you exactly what my date last said to me, and try to figure out what it means:

As we hugged, she said "well it was nice meeting you."

I said, "You too!"

And a short moment later, she added, "and I'm sure I'll talk to you soon."

What? That caught me more by surprise than anything I've seen so far. She was going to talk to me soon? Not later, but soon? And she was sure of it?!

Amazing, but it seems like she was still interested, despite all of the awkwardness. Maybe she perceived it as being partly due to herself. Or maybe she's a sweet girl who actually is patient enough to give us a chance, realizing that neither of us would be awkward if we were comfortable with each other. Or maybe I'm just so damn good-looking that my social skills didn't matter to her! Who knows!

But, it felt good, and it was a major relief to have the first date after the 6-week lull finally over with. I'm going to ask her out again on Friday, so I'll be sure to let you know if she accepts. In the meantime, my next first-date is set for Wednesday, and I hope to keep it going and going after that - all the way up to the blog's 1-year anniversary, if at all possible. I'll stop writing now so that I can get some sleep, reduce my stress, and focus on relaxing instead of being tense for the next shindig.

Calm before the storm: The final days of the lull

Arrghhhhhhhh!!

Yep. This is the lull that just won't quit. As always, there are some things going on though. First, since last time I wrote about some crazy date planned for a week ago, I figure I should briefly follow up on the fiasco that ensued:
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She texted me earlier that day, about 6 hours before we were supposed to meet up. She asked if we could "move our date to next week," because she "wasn't feeling well at all." I said, sure. So Sunday, I texted her, and when she said she was feeling good, I asked her if she wanted to try to play pool again today. She said yes.

This really wasn't a girl I had any business going out with. Like I said -- other side of the tracks. When I first spoke to her on the phone, it was obvious she didn't even have basic manners. That, along with the tattoos, piercings, and the fact that she sounded like a high-school dropout (and quite possibly was).....

I knew I wasn't interested. Not at all - I couldn't even imagine it. But, I decided that I needed all the experience I could get, so I would go through with meeting her, and try to have a little fun. And try to practice with her everything I've been working for and writing about in this blog.

So I showed up, in one of the poor areas of my state, near her home. She didn't show. I texted her, and she first she said she didn't have a ride; then when I gave her some form of a "wtf?" response, she claimed she'd forgotten.

So, it took 19 different first-dates, but I was finally stood up. It was bound to happen sooner or later. It's no big deal. In fact, I learned a little something: Don't get involved with any of these low-class people (there are many on hotornot.com, and virtually none at all on the dating sites I've been using), and don't get involved in any bad situations. I need all the practice I can get, yeah, but the buck's gotta stop somewhere. Trying things like this just aren't worth it.
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July 9th, 2008. Somehow I feel that by that day, we will all know that this blog and this mission were not done in vain. By July 9th, I feel that, somehow, we will celebrate the socialturnaround's one-year anniversary by looking at enormous, clear progress. Spectacular stuff. But if that's to be, a lot has to happen in the next 63 days.

The lull continues, but I'm still gearing up. Things are going pretty well with the football club I joined. I tried an extended 1-on-1 conversation with a male teammate, and it wasn't anything great, but I felt like I learned from it. In fact, I feel like I've been learning from everything that I've done. Today, I had this crazy idea that I've learned so much in the last 10 months that I can somehow now control my feelings, thoughts, and actions in any social situation. It's interesting, but in order to see if that's real, I'm going to need some more social opportunities.

As it turns out, I've (finally) been introduced on eHarmony.com to several great new young women. It takes time to go through the online communication process, but right now I'm seeing great mutual interest, and so I expect to be meeting up with one or more of them in the next week or so.

It seems like I was so close to being able to be myself in the last couple dates I went on. It really looked like I was on the verge of a breakthrough, but alas - this lull came up - and I lost some momentum. Hopefully I'll be able to pick up where I left off.

Lastly, some good news. I'm still hanging out with the one friend I've made since I started, and we've actually become really close friends (think: we had a conversation about her future children calling me "uncle," and mine calling her "aunt"). I took her to Medieval Times to celebrate her passing the bar exam to practice law. I'm completely myself when I'm with her. No anxiety, no inhibition, no awkwardness - nothing. We both shouted and cheered loudly throughout the show. I was actually so funny that the people around us were laughing and talking about it. It didn't seem like there was a shy bone in my body.