Pieces of a Dream

As I sat down to update the blog this evening, I realized that tomorrow's date is December 1. At some point along the way, I had January 1, 2009 in mind for the day that I would declare mission accomplished, putting an end to all of this. My dream was to celebrate New Year's surrounded by friends, kissing my girlfriend at midnight.

The fact of the matter is that we're not quite there yet. As evidenced in the lab notes, I have no girlfriend with whom to ring in the new year. The good news, though, is that I could. In the latter part of this year, I came closer than ever before. I gained the ability to be myself around others, even when there was mutual romantic interest. Now, the only missing piece is to find the right person for me.

As for friendships: I've made progress on that front as well. On November 12, my favorite basketball team was in town for a game. I'd attended the past few years with my family, with whom I was able to shout, cheer, and taunt opposing fans - even in my pre-mission days. Finally, I had a chance to go to the game with friends, which, thanks to the mission, I now had.

Of course, I invited Amorita, who has become a very close friend in the last 15 months. I asked if she wanted to bring anyone, and she invited her friend Jannette, who I'd met and joked around with at Amorita's birthday parties.

I also sent a text message inviting Neola, the girl I met at a nightclub when I followed my impulse to speak to her. We'd hung out together once since then, and had a fun time. She accepted the invitation, and we met up in the city for the game.

It took me a few minutes to warm up, but I was soon back to effortlessly being myself with Neola. I could sense the change from being somewhat mechanical to being relaxed. When she asked if I liked a song that was playing in the arena, I could feel my mind shift from a mode of trying to come up with conversation topics to one of merely following impulses, saying and doing whatever I felt. It's a subtlety that's not easily described in words, but one that everyone who overcomes shyness will experience and understand.

After walking around for a while, we met up with Amorita and Jannette. The meeting represented an interesting personal milestone for me: it would be the first time in my entire 25-year life that I would introduce one of my friends to another. It would be the first time that I would be hanging out with multiple friends.

Using the plural form of that word is a glorious thing for me.

I hugged Jannette, and pointed out that the three had actually all been at the same club a few months ago, where Amorita held her birthday party. They talked briefly, and we found our seats for the game.

I was happy, and having a lot of fun. I sat next to Neola, and we talked throughout the game. She presumably wasn't a big basketball fan, so we chatted about things like her new job, music, nightclubs, and her boyfriend. I remembered how talkative she was, and how much I liked her. Amorita sat on my other side and hung out with Jannette most of the time (they disappeared for about a quarter and a half), so I was glad Amorita had brought someone instead of me inviting 3 people who would have been meeting for the first time. I was as uninhibited as ever, perfectly able to shout, cheer, and taunt in the presence of my three friends.

My team lost the game, but it was still one of the best nights of my life. After the loss, I still had so much enthusiasm that I started doing a little dancing to the music as I stood with Neola at the door waiting for the others. I walked the three ladies to the train station, and said goodnight.
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I've also gotten back into the dating game. I went on my 41st date with a girl I'd been talking to on eHarmony. She'd written an unusually large amount in her e-mails, but there had yet to be a real connection. When I first saw her at Starbucks, I knew that I didn't have enough physical attraction to her. From that moment on, I pretty much blew it. It was one of the ebbs in the ebb-and-flow of the mission, as I started thinking about the fact that I wasn't interested instead of staying present. She did an astounding percentage of the talking, which only served to exacerbate the situation, making it easier for me to yield to internal thoughts instead of participating actively. As a result, I wasn't myself.

We stayed an hour and a half, until the coffee shop closed down. The evening underscored the importance of staying present, which I could never stress enough. It demonstrated again that I generally need to have real interest in someone in order for a date to go well; knowing that I'll never see someone again decreases my motivation profusely. Finally, date #41 was a reminder to never sweat these things, because it really doesn't take much when someone is interested in you. Even though I did little more than smile and nod, my date was still obviously enthusiastic about being with me ,up through the very end, when she said she'd talk to me soon.
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And so, I'm moving forward, looking for that elusive connection and mutual attraction.

Actually, I don't expect it to be all that elusive. That last date was only the second person I'd met up with since having a breakthrough in being myself with Autumn. Being uninhibited on dates is still relatively uncharted territory for me. I expect to have enormous success with it, since it's honestly hard to imagine a woman not being interested after seeing the real me. I'm fantastic!

I am now communicating with exactly 8 interested women - all from eHarmony. Since turning 25, I've gotten tons of great matches, and have had had a near-100% response rate from women I've initiated communication with. I haven't changed a single word in my profile; it's just that eHarmony has a lot of women who are 26 and older, and most of them have chosen to only be matched with guys who are 25 and up.

After I get over this pesky cold, I plan to start dating them. Having so many options - an absurd number, perhaps - has already started to take the edge off, putting me at ease. I talked on the phone with a girl named Chante, in one of the rare instances - twice in 15 months - that someone asked to talk instead of e-mail. I was my now-usual relaxed, confident, funny self. Even when there was a silent lull in the conversation, I was unphased. She asked if I was a phone person, and if I was a quiet. I told her no, I'm definitely not a phone person, but I'm not a quiet person, either - just the opposite!

I've always felt as if phone conversations were the most difficult situation, so I'm now completely sure that I will continue to be just as relaxed once we're together in the flesh.

With 8 prospects (I could have more, but I turned off eHarmony matching to keep it reasonable), things are pretty exciting. I'm under no pressure at all, and know that I can simply laugh off any date that doesn't go well - if that even happens. I'm also inclined to do a little experimenting since I have nothing to lose, and since I may ultimately need to trim the field down to just a few girls.
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For all this online dating, though, I'm starting to feel as if I want to find my match elsewhere. It has served me well for my initial purposes, but online dating poses some complications that have been problematic in many cases already. First and foremost, it inherently provides too much competition. No matter how crazy about me a girl I meet on eHarmony is, the simple fact of the matter is that the mystical matching system is going to continue to present her with other options via e-mail, not to mention that she'll want to get her money's worth out of her membership. Not only that, but the women I meet through that medium are usually in the mindset of dating, as in going out with multiple people, and seeing what's out there.

The alternative, of course, would be to meet someone offline. In that case, I will have to actually leave the house in order to land the initial Starbucks date, but the aforementioned problems will be either reduced or eliminated. I also won't have to deal with things like not being interested in the girl after seeing her, since an in-person screening will have already been done. I've never moved backwards, becoming inhibited with someone after being myself with them, so there should also be no more inhibition ebbs.

Obviously, the mission could never be complete without me being able to do something as simple as get a date without using the Internet. I don't have any specific plans yet, but my thought is that all it will take is a little daring, and winning in return.

I do, however, have some specific plans for making more friends offline. I have what I believe is an amazingly brilliant plan to make a bunch of good friends that I'll be able to hang out with. You'll never guess what it is, so there's no need to try. It's pretty ingenious, and I will share as soon as I try it as see a few results.

He Who Dares Wins

11/25: New in Daily Thoughts and Other Ramblings: what happened with Autumn, and a fun night at SuperBar

After my third date with Autumn, my future with her looked so incredibly bright that I immediately stopped pursuing other women. Perhaps I was jinxed with this comment:

I assume there will be no more dates or bumping and grinding in the clubs, but onto new things I guess!

I added to the jinx myself by ending communication with a very attractive woman I had been e-mailing after we were matched on eHarmony. I told her that I had hung out with someone else a few times and it had been "pretty much magical," and she wished me luck in my new "relationship."

Ha.

I haven't seen Autumn since. After a few anxious days spent wondering about her, I finally started to feel like myself again, and became excited about taking a trip during my vacation from work. I didn't have anyone to go with - and I generally hate doing things by myself - so I decided that my plan would have to revolve around interacting with new people.

I decided to go to Miami, almost entirely to dance with the beautiful women in its nightclubs.
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Back home, I had make one key observation repeatedly while at nightclubs. While I had great difficulty in getting women to dance with me, there were always guys who easily danced with many women. What was the difference between them and I?

It was confidence.

I was always tentative when approaching a woman. Through my now-vast experience and research, I've come to understand one of the root causes of my reluctance in this particular situation. Simply put, I was afraid of offending, or even somehow bothering a woman by trying to dance with her.

Sure: it's perfectly logical to assume that some women will be offended or bothered by a guy's attempt to dance with them. I'm a nice guy, and I don't want to bother anyone. On the other hand, being tentative and unsure of myself is, as a matter of nature, unattractive to women. This dilemma is precisely the reason the phrase nice guys finish last was coined.

The confident, successful guys operated completely differently. They would spot a woman and, without hesitation, boldly walk up and start dancing with her. If their advance was rejected, they would immediately move on and look for another attractive woman, repeating the process without being phased.

As a nice guy, I operated much more slowly. I'd often find a woman I wanted to dance with, and then take a spot on the floor nearby, dancing alone while ruminating over the situation. While trying to figure out whether she wanted to dance with me, my mind ran rampant with excuses and reasons not to approach her. As aware of these types of things as I obviously am, I repeatedly fell victim to an inner voice of shyness, which produced nonsensical problems.

"She won't want to dance - she's just having fun with her friends."
"I shouldn't dance with her, because I was standing in line outside with her."
"She looks too nice - she probably doesn't dance with guys."
"She saw me dancing with another girl."
"Another guy tried to dance with her and she rejected him."
"She has a drink, so she's probably with someone."

At some point, I devised a nice-guy plan to try to dance with women I was interested in without offending them. I would simply hold out my hand, and they would take it if they were interested. At the time, I thought it was brilliant! I could approach women without worrying about offending them.

Of course, that rarely worked. It was not a confident thing to do, and consequentially was, without a doubt, a turnoff for many of the women. The variation used by the confident guys was to take a woman's hand aggressively.

Aggressively pursuing physical contact with a beautiful girl on the dance floor was a daring thing to do, but it was obvious that it produced amazing results for the guys who weren't worried about being nice. I understood that in the wonderfully fun game of pursuing women, he who dares wins. I decided to give it a try in Miami, where I'd be almost 1000 miles away from home, surrounded by people who I'd almost surely never see again.
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My first night was slow. It was a Thursday, so the club was relatively sparse. I "camped out" next to a couple of girls I wanted to dance with, and my inner voice started shouting thoughts like "Now it's too late, because I've been dancing near them too long." Many people were in groups with both guys and girls, which was too much of a mental obstacle for me to overcome.

Friday was better. I went through my normal warm-up routine, dancing alone or near a group while waiting for the club to become more crowded so that I wouldn't stand out as much. Eventually, I spotted an easy situation - a guy dancing with a girl, while her friend was alone - and I moved without thinking to play wingman and dance with the friend. Finally, I had achieved my first bump-and-grind action in Miami.

Now, I really started to loosen up. I'd gotten a confidence boost, and my inner voice became quieter. I spotted another girl who seemed to be having an off-the-wall fun time, and there weren't many excuses for my inner voice to generate. Again, I danced with her, and became even more confident. Still, though, I wasn't completely uninhibited. While waiting in line to get in, I had talked for a couple minutes with a pair of girls from Tennessee. I saw a perfect opportunity to dance with one of them, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Somehow the fact that I had talked to her was a powerful deterrent. It was ridiculous.

I moved on to another club, where a concert was being held. There were five or six girls in front of the stage, but everyone else in the packed building was sitting or standing well away from the performers. Here, I remembered that I was in Miami, and decided to just have fun. I danced in front of the stage, with an audience of hundreds behind me as I sang along and jumped around to the music. I was having a blast. Afterwards, the lead singer found me on the dance floor, shook my hand, and thanked me.

The added confidence quieted my inner voice of shyness even further. Now, with little hesitation, I moved in to dance with an attractive blonde girl, and was successful. I then found another group of girls, and noticed a new silence in my mind. The excuses and deterrent thoughts ceased, and I boldly moved to dance with the most attractive one - a sensual, tall, lean-bodied black girl with a delightful perfume scent. She was all over me.

After 3 clubs in 2 nights, the progress was clear. The next night, I went to Florida's super club, Club Space. I set forth one clear goal: bump and grind with 10 different attractive women (or as I like to call them, honeys)! Either that, or kiss just one of them. It was my way of getting over Autumn, and it was a fun little mini-mission.

It took a while for me to warm up, and my first few attempts were unsuccessful. I started thinking that maybe the women at this particular club were uptight, and that I should leave. Finally, though, I jumped into the 1-guy-with-2-girls situation, and things got moving. I became less and less restrained by avoidant thoughts as the night went on. When there was a lull in the action, I told myself that I needed to at least go offend some people! I had experienced the amazing results of being the confident guy, so I no longer wanted to be the nice guy.

After a few hours, I had done the very fun bump-and-grind with 7 pretty girls. As I searched the upstairs, indoor dance floor, I found that the most attractive girl was now alone, while her friend was dancing with a guy. Had she come with a boyfriend, who had only left her temporarily? Could I really dance with a girl who was this gorgeous?

This time, I didn't actually have those thoughts. I danced my way over until I was a couple inches away from her. She stopped momentarily, and looked back at me. At first, I thought it was rejection, but I couldn't be sure. I didn't care whether she would get upset because I tried to dance with her twice, so I moved up to her again to be sure.

I looked down at her seductively, and she started bumping and grinding with me. Oh, so fun! Unlike most of the others, she stayed with me. We were all over each other, and after a while, I started to periodically kiss her shoulders as I caressed her body. She stopped for a moment, and pulled her long, black hair behind her head. Intentionally or not, she was giving my lips the green light to reach her face. I moved my way up to kissing her neck, ear, and cheek. If she had ever turned around far enough, I would have gone for her lips.

She was with two friends. One of them was was dancing with another guy, facing us. Sandwiched between our two couples was her second friend, who was less attractive, and without a dance partner. Every now and then, my partner stopped to talk to her manless friend, keeping her entertained. When she did, I kept my hand on her back, signaling to the rest of the club that she was mine. She high-fived her friend, and it was obvious that they were celebrating the fact that she was scoring - with me! When she took a break to sit down for a few minutes before returning to me, she high-fived her other friend as well. She was one of the hottest girls in the club, and I had made her night. I lost track of time, but I know we were together over an hour.

If I hadn't made the bold move to risk offending her, there would have been nothing.

He who dares wins.
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One thing to always keep in mind is that this whole daring thing is a mental muscle that gets stronger and stronger the more we exercise it. I love doing this clubbing thing, but I had extra motivation to go out again when I returned home. It would be a test to see how much I'd improved.

I went out Friday and Saturday nights, and approaching women became easier and easier. I reached the point of smoothly dancing up right behind each girl, having very few or no deterrent thoughts at all. Amazingly, they responded positively more often than not! Finally, I had achieved a positive cycle. I was confident, so I had more success. I had success, so I became more confident.

At this point, there's no stopping me. After seeing that the majority of women are attracted to me, when someone responds negatively, I know that it's them and not me, so I immediately move on without being phased. That's true confidence. I can't wait to experience it in other social situations.