Gearing Up 2008

The lull is coming to an end.

With my ever-burning desire to complete this mission on which I've embarked, this latest lull has seemed like an eternity. But I just checked the date of the last significant post, and it's only been three weeks.

There hasn't been anything major going on - no dates, for example - but I've been keeping at things. Thinking. Gearing up.

The biggest step I've taken was finally joining a group where I'll be seeing the same, small, manageable group of people repeatedly. It's a flag football team that meets up every Saturday morning. I've been the last two weeks (the season lasts a few months), and the second week was better than the first. The first wasn't bad - I did enough to perhaps not come across as shy - but I mostly just played, instead of getting into any significant conversation. The second week, I arrived before anyone else, and found myself alone with one of my teammates before the others arrived. I kept a pretty good 1-on-1 conversation going for about 15 minutes before anyone else showed up. It was about as good as any conversation on any of the many dates I've been on. This was a female teammate....as I typed that, it occurred to me that I haven't had any extended, 1-on-1 conversations with new guys I've met since I started this thing. More on that later.

Overall, the football team is an outstanding opportunity - the type of thing I should have been doing from the very start. Not only do I have my teammates to get to know, but the league is a great way to meet other people as well. It should be as easy as anywhere (even easier than a college campus, in my estimation) to strike up conversations, but more on that after I actually do it.

In the meantime, I ended up compelled to re-join some dating sites. Someone interesting responded to a previous communication I sent on eHarmony, so I rejoined that one. I also joined chemistry.com (a ridiculous ripoff - don't make the same mistake I did, because it's probably beyond worthless), renewed my match.com membership, and joined HotOrNot.com for a mere $5.95 per month.

As for match.com - I winked at 50 people yesterday (e-mailed others), and have gotten zero responses. 0/50 is a pretty low percentage, so it looks like that well is still dried up. But while I'm speaking of match.com, there has been one other interesting development there. I've been talking over e-mail with a girl I met there, who's moving to my area after she graduates college next month. I told her I'd love to be friends with her after she gets here. She's a great girl, all the way around. The one time I tried to be friends with someone after going on a date with them, I felt as if I had some covert hope of something romantic developing. The result? Disaster. This time, I've decided that no matter what, I'm just going to be friends with this person. No matter what. She'd be just the second friend I've made (unless, of course, I make others before June!), so that would be huge. I won't get ahead of myself though, because I haven't even spoken to her on the phone yet.

I did have a brief phone conversation yesterday, though.

It's easy to find a few interested people on HotOrNot.com. You go through, and click Yes on every single profile - it only takes a few minutes. I have about 29 "double matches," and I'm hoping to make some friends through there. But for some reason, I responded to the opening message "hay sexy.. what is good," and 11 days later, guess what I'm doing tomorrow night?

I wanted to get back into practice, and there seemed to be some remote possibility at the time, so I thought I'd give it a try. But after talking a little over the site, I felt as if there were no chance that this girl was any kind of a match for me. I went to graduate school, and she only has a high school education. She has five tattoos and at least two piercings; I'm totally straight-edge, and have none of either. We're talking about some real "other side of the tracks" stuff here.

I've gone out with a few girls I at least ended up not being interested in, so it's probably not a big deal, and wasn't really my point here. The odd thing is that, despite my low interest, I felt quite anxious as I prepared to call her on the telephone last night. Just like usual. Maybe that proves that it's not romantic interest that makes me anxious. I'm not entirely sure, but I will figure it all out in the end.

At any rate, the first call to her cell phone dropped, and I calmed down a bit before the second. As usual, my anxiety diminished almost completely after the first few words were exchanged. I suggested the usual Starbucks date, but she wanted to go see a movie instead. I figured, why not? It really doesn't matter. I did dinner twice, but the other 16 or so first-dates were at Starbucks. A couple hours ago, we decided to shoot pool instead, so that should work much better for me getting conversation and interaction practice. There's nothing to lose, and it'll be interesting.

Since I'm again active on all these sites, this is likely the beginning of many more date posts - some painful, others (knock on wood!) wonderful. At the same time, I am going to find at least one more social club to join, and that'll be an enormous help as well. And I will probably be able to meet a couple more people from the internet to try hanging out as friends.

The idea is that I've come a long way, and it's now time to will myself to the finish line. I figure by July 9 - the first anniversary of the blog - I won't be able to finish, but I'll be able to get close. Close enough to finish things off, keeping my New Year's resolution for 2008.

The Lull

There's been a lull in the action since those last two dates that led nowhere. I have nothing major to talk about in the main part of the blog right now, but there's always stuff going on with the mission, and I've been pretty good about writing about it in the running daily thoughts entry.

50 First Dates: Date #27

I went on another first-date last Thursday. Yep - that made two dates in less than 48 hours. I put off writing about #27 until now because, well, it just wasn't that interesting. Not compared to the one before it.

I met up at Starbucks with a young lady I'd met on eHarmony. I had been on the fence about whether or not I should go through with online conversation and eventually meeting her, after she initiated communication. I wasn't sure I would find her attractive, but she was one of the first to contact me during the last lull in the action. Since I was determined to get things going again, I decided to give it a try.

But alas. Once we met, I really didn't feel much attraction to her. Physically, or otherwise.

Somehow, after I walked into Starbucks and saw her, I felt absolutely no anxiety. No nervousness. Sure, I've felt comfortable before, but this was subtly different. It was as if my "edge" were gone. I felt so completely calm that it seemed as if I had to force myself to keep the conversation going while we waited in line, because the silence, for some reason, didn't bother me in even the slightest way.

The best guess is that this state of being was caused by my lack of interest in the particular date, and in the outcome. But the surprising point is that it wasn't helpful to be in this state. My comfortableness was trumped by the fact that I was engaged in social interaction with so little emotion. I went through the usual, even getting into a bit of playful teasing, but it was different. Despite making a conscious effort, I wasn't as motivated, and it wasn't as good. I'd felt a real connection with my last date, and yet none in this instance.

So that was that.

In the hour before that date, I'd called my date from Tuesday to ask her out for Sunday. I'm generally anxious in the moments leading up to any phone call I have to initiate, but it always dissipates once I hear the voice on the other line. That was the case again here, but I was a little awkward. She asked how my day was, and I tried to say something I'd had in mind to say in response. "It was good....Thursday is a good day for me.... we have a company lunch every Thursday." It came out sounding every bit as uninteresting and awkward as that text. I think that I need to

A) always have something interesting in mind to say for general questions like that, plus some other comments to start conversation instead of always just asking questions, and

B) learn to express myself better, since that comment would have made sense if I had elaborated. Something like:

"It was good! Thursdays are good days for me. The company springs for lunch for everyone, and I can start seeing that light at the end of the tunnel for the weekend!"

I can deal with the part about overcoming inhibition, but I still have to work on figuring out how to be expressive - it's something I missed out on growing up as a shy person. And it's a stagnant area that I haven't specifically worked on yet in my mission. I have a plan to learn to tell stories by taking baby steps, but I'll write more about that after I actually make myself do it.

(If you're wondering: she already had plans for Sunday.)

Date #26: The Comeback

Just now, I checked the date of the post entitled "Nightmare." Much to my surprise, it was only two weeks ago. How could this be? A mere two weeks ago, I hit emotional rock bottom, and tonight, I'm back on top of the world.

Date #26. We met up at a Barnes & Noble Starbucks (actually, the same day of the week, time, and place I'd met the subject of my Nightmare). I had hardly talked to anyone all day, so I made it a point to exchange a few words with a few people on the way. I had been feeling a bit anxious in the hours leading up to tonight, but I knew that in almost every single case, my anxiety has diminished as soon as I've actually met my date, in the flesh. This was no different.

We talked, and I was myself again. I'd attempted to make a mnemonic for conversation topics beforehand, but I figured it would only be backup: most of the time, I don't need to make an effort to recall the topics. The list is very helpful though, because things mentioned in the conversation regularly remind me of what I've written down.

She did most of the talking, but I did plenty, and had lots of little quips. And this time, my date actually laughed at them! She and I were both laughing and smiling away through our date. The other details aren't so important. After an hour and twelve minutes, she said she didn't want to be rude, but asked if we could go. It was actually almost her bedtime - I'd been aiming for 45 minutes, but the conversation was flowing well enough that I didn't want to end it abruptly.

I asked her if she wanted a ride home, but she actually only lived a few blocks away. I thought we would be parting ways, but as we walked and talked, I ended up walking her all the way to her doorstep. I stopped about 10 feet short of the door, and told her to have a good night. As we hugged, she thanked me for her Starbucks tea, and for walking her home. She smiled broadly, and behold! I saw it.

That look in her eyes.

The antithesis of the look I saw in my date's eyes two weeks ago to the day.

A twinkle. No, this isn't a literary device. I actually saw a twinkle in her eyes. Genuine happiness.

And I was happy, too. Immediately, all of my negative feelings about my last few experiences disappeared. Finally, I could see them for exactly what they were. The flaws in the last couple people who disappointed me were as clear as day. To the point where I can't bear to even think about how I let such people get me down.

My restlessness had transformed into vigor and hope. I felt inspired to immediately pick up with a neglected part of my original plan: "Talk to people everywhere."

Finally, I'd had time to think things over before tonight. Based on my previous successes and failures, I came up with a brief list of things to keep in mind. All of them seemed to help.

• Stay present. I've been stuck inside my head on other occasions. For instance, on date #25, I was distracted from the conversation at one point because I was thinking about how different my date seemed in person than in text messages. Tonight, I was determined to keep my focus external the entire time, and I just about did.

• Use the conversation topics list passively. Instead of racking my brain (and therefore not staying present) to recall my list, I just let remarks trigger my memory naturally. I figure other people don't need this, because they've had thousands and thousands more conversations than I ever have. The average person has "conversation topics" triggered from memory of other conversations, instead of from lists. I'll get there eventually.

• Take my time speaking. I realized it's normal and perfectly fine to stop and think a moment before answering questions. In the past I've sometimes rushed a response, rattling something off from memory (or worse, from nowhere) instead of being thoughtful.
  

• Never yield to inhibition. I continued to practice one of the few items from my woefully-neglected "Master Plan" post. Instead of thinking things over before saying them, I just let it fly. I knew that saying anything (even making a silly joke that came to mind) was better than just sitting in silence.

• Don't get ahead of myself. This time, I didn't even think as far ahead as our second date. If I were doing that, I wouldn't have been "present" anyway.

• Lay off the dating stuff. In the past I've tried to employ dating strategies such as trying not to seem overly interested, and stuff like that. It's served as an added source of inhibition for me, and just wasn't worth it.
  

• Don't get discouraged. Even if something doesn't go smoothly, don't worry about it. The fact of the matter is that I've actually had successful dates even on "off" nights. I immediately moved on from a couple of (tiny) things that didn't go perfectly tonight. It all goes back to staying present.

• Be patient. I didn't place too much importance on how this particular date went. This girl seems like an enormously better match for me than most of the people I've met, but there's no telling how far it'll go. All I know is that I'm going to overcome shyness, etc., and have a wonderful girl to call my very own one day - as long as I keep at this. It'll just take time.

It feels good to be back.