50 First Dates - Date #16

Only three days after the previous one, I went on my sixteenth date today. Great! I'm really piling up the experience here.

I was going to be meeting up at Starbucks, at 3:00, with a girl from eHarmony. A girl from eHarmony, who had initiated communication. This would be especially interesting, since eHarmony matches are supposedly just that - matches. And because the girls on that site tend to be more serious about finding someone special, and because she'd been the initiator.

My phone rang around 2:40. I saw her name on the caller ID. We had never spoken - only sent messages. Without forethought, I answered the phone. And so it began.

We exchanged greetings, and she told me she was running late. We talked for a couple minutes, and, I was comfortable! My voice was completely in gear. I felt positive, relaxed, and confident. We hadn't yet met, but wow - I liked the way she sounded!

After a little while, she called back. She was lost, and I worked on talking her through the rest of the commute to Starbucks. I continued to be myself on the phone, sounding and feeling good. But would this continue once I actually saw her in the flesh?

Finally, she arrived. I wasn't sure what to expect - she had only a single photo online, in which she was barely smiling.. But I had decided early on to follow through and at least meet her, if for no other reason than practice.

She got out of the car. Wow. What a pretty girl! A pleasant surprise.

She hugged me, and introduced herself. The hug was something new for me - she sort of briskly rubbed my back at the same time. We were off to a good start.

I had firmly in mind one of the lessons from a few days ago, listed in the last post. I was going to stay "present" with her. No matter what, I wouldn't let myself get distracted again.

We walked into Starbucks, ordered, and talked a little while waiting. I made a tiny mistake, asking her something that was obvious, but I remembered to stay "present" and just mentally shrugged it off. I was going to move on instead of worrying about it. There was another tiny incident involving a straw (ha ha), and I once again quickly shifted my focus instead of analyzing it.

And so, I was once again sitting at a table in Starbucks, with nothing in front of me except a girl and a vanilla bean frappuccino.

I started going through the usual stuff. Conversation topics. My voice was clear, and I felt pretty good. I knew I sounded confident.

After a few minutes, I was thinking to myself: I really like this girl. Wow!

Aside from being very attractive, what was this girl like? Well, she was shy! Or so I think. From the very start, she looked down and to the side a lot. She looked down and to the side, instead of looking at me. Classic shy person behavior, even though it's one of the few problems I actually don't have (I'll look ya straight in the eye, every time!).

Maybe she liked me, and was just a bit nervous, just meeting me for the first time. After all, she had probably never met anyone from the Internet, while I'd already been on 10 other blind dates. These shindigs are becoming a part of my standard routine!

This date of mine seemed shy, but like every other person I've met on the mission, she did plenty of talking. As usual, I was rattling off questions. Oddly enough, my date didn't ask me many questions at all. Just like the other girl from eHarmony that I went out with four times. They both asked a few things, but so little that the conversation seemed like I was the interviewer and they were the interviewee. It would have helped if this girl had asked me some reciprocal (i.e., "how about you?") questions after I asked about school, work, and hobbies. I would have had something to contribute on those topics, but I couldn't figure out how to bring them up since she didn't ask.

I was pretty sure I hadn't done anything to lower her interest in me that early, so I figured that wasn't the reason she didn't inquire more about me. I have no idea, really - maybe asking questions is just natural for me, and not for some people.

We had some silences, with her acting a little nervous, looking down and to the side. Each time, I restarted the conversation after a few moments, and it wasn't bad. I'd lost track of time, but at the start of a silence following some laughter (there was plenty, by the way), I decided to end it on a high note. I walked her to her car, and used some scenery to trigger one final conversation topic from memory (pets).

I had done well the whole way through. One of the best dates ever (in terms of my success in being myself), and so far, I liked this girl a lot.

Continuing to sound like a confident, in-control guy, I told her I was glad she made it out. She said "I had a good time." And I said "See ya."

Will I soon be going on just my third second-date ever? In my experience so far, the girl usually initiates some sort of follow-up if she's still interested after the date.

Today, I received such a follow-up message in record time.

Keeping in mind that I never told this girl to let me know when she got home (although that would have been nice), check out the text message I got 40 minutes or so later:

"Ok im home. I hope you made it safe also. It was good to see you."

And so, I don't take anything for granted, but lets tentatively call it a success. I would love to see her again, and hopefully will soon. And I'm going to keep getting as much practice in as I can, everywhere I can. Hopefully I can build on this whole being-myself thing with her, and make it consistent like it's become with the one platonic friend I've made along the way here.

A few thoughts to be integrated into the Master Plan:

1. Contribute. Since this girl wasn't asking me many questions, I started to think of ways to contribute to the conversation other than asking and answering questions. The elaboration I mentioned last post is one idea. Another is to try to contribute part of your own knowledge to something your companion is saying. When they're telling you something, don't wait for them to ask a question! Just think briefly about how what they're saying relates to something you know about, and throw it out there. That's probably what people normally do - I will study this a bit.

2. Thoughts on interest. On date #15, I was completely uninterested in the girl, and did horribly. Today, I was very attracted to and interested in my date, and I did wonderfully. So scratch all of my previous ramblings about needing to not care in order to be comfortable. I just need to remember to not dwell too much or obsess over these things - a potential pitfall after meeting a new love-interest. Overdoing it can probably produce some added anxiety.

That's pretty much it, for now. A final, general observation is that things are great right now. I have other things in the works, which will hopefully translate into more good news to report. It's interesting how things were so bleak and slow just weeks ago, while now, after a few downs and some persistence, things are looking way up again. I haven't been significantly discouraged in quite a while now, and I'm starting to feel like I may actually complete this mission in 2008.

50 First Dates - Date #15

With New Years coming up, I seriously need to make a resolution for 2008: Keep the blog updated! It's been way too long. But rest assured, my mission has been continuing as promised.

It's true - working my first 9-to-5 job leaves me with less time for these things. But I've gotten fully used to it now, and I'm back to consistent dating and other activities following a 2 1/2 week lull.

And so, I went on another date last Thursday. It was my fifteenth since starting the blog. Yet another first date! The tenth different girl I've been out with.

As usual, I met my date at Starbucks. I arrived and saw several people sitting, but it looked like I had gotten there first. I started to sit down, but then one of the girls sitting nearby got up and introduced herself: I hadn't recognized her from her match.com profile.

In a way, this relationship ended at this very moment. For the first time, I was meeting up with a girl who initiated on match.com - she'd sent me the first wink and message. Browsing diligently as I do, I had seen her profile prior, but decided I wasn't interested. But when she winked at me, I figured hey - I need the practice! Fastforward a week or so later, and I was going out with a girl I had very little or no interest in. So this was different.

We got up to order, and ran into some awkwardness. The cashier took my date's order, and I tried to add mine - "and, can we have a strawberries & cream frappuccino?" She told me to hold on. What the heck? So I just gave her the size. She told me to hold on again! I was extremely annoyed - the cashier didn't recognize that my date and I were together. She rang my date's order without mine. I tried to pay for it, but my date interjected that she didn't mind paying for her own, blah blah.

As a result of this little incident, I realized something absolutely critical.

Back in front of a frappuccino and a girl, a couple of things were going on. First, I wasn't interested. Not at all. I'd expected that in this situation, I'd have no problem being relaxed and being myself. I wrote before about how I thought that "not caring" was a key to everything. But alas - I didn't care about the outcome, and yet I was doing worse than on perhaps all but one of my fifteen dates. I suffered from my infamous Voice Thing, and couldn't easily think of things to say. At some point, my date said that I was shy.

Huh? Was I going backwards? In fifteen dates, this was the first time that anyone had ever actually called me shy.

I thus determined that my "don't-care" strategy needs further examination. It may or may not help, but it's clear that it is not enough by itself.

But back to the cashier incident. While talking to my date, I really couldn't stop thinking about it. It was a major distraction, and was probably a big reason why I was doing so poorly.

The critical realization is this: It is absolutely critical to be "present" while talking to someone, or doing anything social. You can't be distracted by other thoughts. That distraction takes way too much away from you. Simple.

It wasn't even going well enough for me to get a high note to end on. For the first time in a while, I ended up letting my date end it first. I walked her to her car, and the final first-date words (I always make note of these) were: "Thanks. Talk to you soon."

The last time I heard that, I got a second date (and a third). But I feel like this girl may think it over and change her mind. If she doesn't send a follow-up (like the ones I've received after most of my successful dates), I'll never know, because there's no way I would ever ask her out again.

Without further ado, here's a list of things I learned on this date (to be integrated into the Master Plan soon):

1. Dating is awesome experience. This one was bad in a way, but just take a look at this: In fifteen dates, I've gained all sorts of experience. I've now been out with girls who liked me, but who I wasn't interested in; girls who I was crazy about, but who weren't interested in me; a girl who didn't even remember who I was after our date, and more. I'm starting to get a really good feel for what I'd only read before. Dating is a numbers game. It's no big deal if something doesn't work. It's no big deal if a particular person isn't interested in you. Even after meeting someone you like a lot, if it doesn't work out, another person you like just as much or even more will eventually come along - even if you can't imagine that at the time. So experiencing all of this for myself has really taken the edge off, in that I'm not so anxious about the whole prospect of going on dates and seeing the results.

2. It's absolutely critical to be "present" when doing something social. In the moment, and not dwelling on something else instead of giving all of your attention to your companions and the conversation. The social activity itself can be a big source of anxiety for someone like me, and so it's easy for little mishaps to become major distractions, if you let them. The key is to simply brush off mishaps and refuse to be distracted. Bring your attention back to the task at hand, even if it requires some mental force to put off the worries.

3. Elaborate. I wrote about this some months ago. In most of my conversations, I've been doing a very, very small percentage of the talking. I figure I can shift this and do more if I can figure out how to simply elaborate on whatever I do say. A new idea I have in mind is this: One way you can elaborate on almost any topic is to give your opinion on the subject. I want to try giving my opinion following most anything that I say, and on more of the things that other people say. This will be interesting, but more on that after I have an opportunity to work with it.

4. Be open. I found myself rattling off pre-thought-out responses to some questions. I need to figure out, or perhaps "feel" out a way to give reflective, honest, open responses without needing an abnormal amount of time to think.

5. A tiny little detail I thought of after this date: Try to refer to the other person by name at some point. At a minimum, use their name when you say goodbye. This may sound kinda oddball, but I feel really good when someone new says my name. In my case, maybe it's because I've had so few peple outside of my family even know me by name. But I think it's nice, and helps build a connection between any two people.

Story Time

Well, tonight is one of those nights. One of those nights when I'm exhausted, and it's way past my bedtime, but there is just too much that has gone on with my mission for me to wait any longer before telling you about it.

Thursday night was the office holiday party. I hadn't really become comfortable with my coworkers yet, so I was a little anxious about it. It was after work, so my attendance was optional. But I didn't give myself a choice - it was a good opportunity to work on some things, so I had to go.

So I started looking forward to it. I thought it would be great if I could relax, be comfortable, and converse with my colleagues. Meet tons of new people, and even make a couple of friends.

But alas - when the time came, I squandered the opportunity.

I was a little awkward, being the new guy and not knowing many people. I did okay with that though - I followed my manager around a bit so he could introduce me. Stuff like that. Nothing to really go into here, because I just did the normal stuff that I could handle before I even started this blog.

How did I blow it, then? I was stuck inside my head all night. I became woefully distracted by my own thoughts. All kinds of worries and ruminations. This took me out of the game big time. With my focus shifted internally, I spent most of my time just standing or sitting and smiling, rather than being able to get past a surface level of involvement in conversations.

There isn't much more to say - that was the problem this time, plain and simple. The bottom line is that I need to avoid focusing on anything internal (which means not worrying, for one) when I am in these situations. I should instead be relaxed and attentive to my surroundings, allowing me to more easily converse with others. A little more on this later when I summarize it for the Master Plan entry.

And so, I was determined to never again make the mistake of getting "stuck in my head" during some social event. I found some comfort in knowing that I would have the chance to make up for it, since I would be seeing my coworkers for 40 hours a week for possibly years anyway. Going to the party was a success nonetheless (as is everything you try along the road to overcoming shyness). In particular, I at least became familiar enough with many of my coworkers to be a lot more comfortable later if I want to randomly drop by a cubicle and say, "What's up?" There is now some rapport between us.

The office party really made me feel as if I hadn't made any progress since starting this mission. That, of course, was false. I've made an enormous amount of progress - Thursday was just an off night. But I was determined to demonstrate by doing something else very soon.

So I decided to try to go for another 1-on-1 platonic over the weekend. I sent a text message to my friend from craig's list. She hadn't responded to the last e-mail I'd sent over a week ago. I decided I'd come too far with her to let her drop out. It seemed like she had become a stable friend, but I wanted to make sure.

I suggested we go to Dave & Busters (they have food, a sports bar, and tons of games), and she agreed. Great! I still have two friends.

Dave & Busters is an awesome place for a date, or for hanging out with friends, whatever. I really can't think of any place better. But at any rate, it was more of the same. I was completely myself with this friend of mine. We met first 4 months ago today, and this was our fifth outing together. Really, the first time we met was pretty good. But since then, I've been completely on target. 100% myself. When I'm with her, I'm relaxed, comfortable, confident, and every other positive adjective you can think of. There's no inhibition. I don't have to think about what to say. I don't have to think about forcing myself to say something that comes to mind. It's just natural. I teased, joked, and bragged all night long. There were only a few moments where I even became consciously aware of how uninhibited I was, since I was instead just having a good time instead of focusing on anything internally.

I will think about everything that makes me so comfortable with this one person, and integrate it into the Master Plan running entry soon. But for now, I have one more side-story.

There's a very pretty, very fun girl that I went to school with. Let's call her Kris.

The last class I had with Kris ended about 2 months before I even started this blog. Back then, though, I was super interested in Kris, and spent much of the semester thinking about asking her out or whatever. Well, needless to say, I never came close to actually doing that, in my pre-mission life. One day though, after I got this thing going, I added her as a friend on facebook. It was one of those days when I was feeling a little crazy - I thought what the hell? Maybe she was interested and I could go on a date with her. After all, I had now actually been on a few, and could handle some basics.

But facebook revealed that she now had a boyfriend.

I'm rambling. What I really want to say is that, by chance, I saw her in the mall with her new boyfriend one day over the summer. The mall isn't even near our alma mater, so it was no small coincidence.

They were walking behind me, and I looked back a few times. But I became very anxious and didn't stop to initiate, or otherwise say anything.

Now, I hardly ever run into anyone I know (since I obviously know so few people). But amazingly, I ran into this same couple once again at a fondue restaurant. They walked by me, but I this time I didn't say anything because A) I was with my family and thought that would make me even more uncomfortable and B) I thought it would be awkward since we didn't speak to each other the last time at the mall.

I was pretty mad at myself both times for not speaking to them. How could I fail so miserably? How could I fail so miserably, after running this blog for several months, and supposedly making so much progress? If only I could have one more chance..........

And, amazingly, I got that chance tonight. I was conversing with my new friend at Dave & Busters, and I saw them again. Unbelievable. There was no way I was going to take strike 3. They walked by, and I interrupted my current conversation, shouting, "Hey Kris!" She came over, and we talked. It was great! I really enjoyed it. I had suffered a panicky sort of little anxiety attack when I first saw them, but I had calmed down. I was comfortable, confident...everything I was with my friend before they came over. I shook hands with the boyfriend, and continued my cocky-and-funny routine about how great I was at the games.

I mostly just wanted to recap that story. But one tiny, yet potentially critical observation is that the presence of a friend that I'm comfortable with may have been what put me at ease talking to my old classmate/love-interest and her boyfriend. With my other, long-time friend, I've also been comfortable when meeting others with him around. Spanning out friends was always part of the plan, but I haven't really had the opportunity yet. It looks like that could work wonders.

Overall, I'm feeling more confident than ever. I know I need to do these social things for practice, but I'm really enjoying them just for the fun and companionship. I believe that this is a big part of putting me at such ease.

Things are great. Thanks to eHarmony and match.com, it looks like I will also still be able to line up plenty of dates in the coming days, for more experience and fun. And for Monday, I've arranged another second-chance opportunity with another pre-mission acquaintance. I'll tell that story a bit later.

Back In Action

I went on my fourteenth date tonight. It had been a couple weeks since the last one, so I'd felt a bit of anxiety the last couple days. Would I be rusty? After all, this was a first-date - the first one of those I'd done in over a month.

In the hours leading up to this shindig, I tried monitoring my thoughts a bit more than usual. I noticed that there was a direct relationship between my level of anxiety (the "physical" feeling of anxiety) and my thoughts. When I thought about something negative - like what it would be like to have this girl ditch me like all of the others - I felt more more anxiety. Sometimes an actual surge.

When I had positive thoughts, such as thinking that I really wouldn't care if that happened, I felt much less anxious. There were moments after these positive thoughts that I felt completely at ease - back to normal. But I noticed that in order to become relaxed like that, I had to start thinking positive naturally. If I merely told myself something positive, it had no effect.

In other words, I discovered that there really is something to all that talk about thinking positive. It can and does have a big impact on anxiety level. But the key is that you can't simply think positive thoughts - it has to be more than words. You have to actually believe it.... More on all of this later in the Master Plan.

What about the actual date? We met at the most beautiful, romantic location. The Starbucks inside of a Target store! (In all seriousness, this is a really nice, recently remodeled store).

This was the fourth person I met on eHarmony.com. The first was my first date ever - I made too many first-time mistakes, and killed her incredibly high pre-meeting interest level. I saw the second girl four times. The third I just saw once - had an off day that time.

And so, this was my fourteenth date, but meeting someone you've talked to on the Internet (this time, for about a month) is ALWAYS interesting. ALWAYS! It never gets old.

The date was a lot like most of the others. The good news is that I didn't suffer badly from my "Voice Thing." My voice wasn't perfect, but it was reasonable this time.

Like almost every other date, she talked a lot. I'd written down a list of backup conversation topics, but I didn't make much effort to memorize them. As usual, I had no difficulty coming up with questions (lots of questions) based on what my date was saying. I made mildly humorous comments throughout as well.

I had reviewed the at-the-moment-quite-sparse Master Plan before our date. The thing that helped me the most was remembering something I mentioned about Inhibition: when something comes to mind, say it fast. It may seem like that could set you up to say something stupid, but that'd be a lot better than being inhibited. I, in fact, did not say anything stupid though. When something somewhat silly came to mind, or when I didn't know if it was the right time to say something, or when I felt any uncertainty whatsoever.....I just let it fly. Didn't give myself a chance to debate it. This makes a BIG difference.

And so, it was fun. I force myself to do these things because I have to - it's required for my life's mission. In fact, I don't even give myself an option anymore. I won't allow myself to turn down any social opportunity that I have. It's not even a consideration anymore.

But, I realized during this date that I was having fun. Lots of fun! It was so fun to be talking with a new person. Before this blog, I hardly ever talked at length with anyone outside of my family. So this is something I'll never take for granted.

It was fun, in and of itself. I realized that I shouldn't think so much about how my dates are going and what not - I should just enjoy myself whenever I get to do this stuff. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but it's easy to lose sight of all the important principles I discover. That's precisely the reason I'm gradually integrating everything into a one-entry Master Plan.

So how did the date go? We talked about the usual stuff - food, family, music, work. Mostly about her...she had some good stories. And she seemed to enjoy herself. There was plenty of laughter, and she was smiling most of the time. I was a little nervous, but quite possibly not even enough for her to tell.

I was aiming for 45 minutes, but kept trying to end on a high note, so the date ended up being about an hour and a half. I think it's fun to review how every first-date has ended. Is there a pattern that indicates whether or not there will be a second? Lets see....


One-and-done: "It was fun, we should do this again." (Hug)
One-and-done: "It was good meeting you, and I'll talk to you later....?" (Hug)
One-and-done: "I'll see you later...?" (Handshake-Hug)
-Successful date: "Have a safe trip home." (Hug initiated by me)
-One-and-done: "Nice meeting you. Thanks again [for the coffee]."
-Successful date: "It was nice meeting you. Talk to you soon." (she's actually still e-mailing me)
-One-and-done: "Give me a call! You have my number now." (Lingering Hug). (She accepted a second date, then cancelled it and never contacted me again)
-One-and-done: (Legendary awkward attempt at a kiss initiated by me)

Tonight: "(Hug) I'll see you...... give me a call or something!" And I said "See ya."

I like it. But I don't take these things for granted. It's hard to tell unless it goes wonderfully - which hasn't happened for me just yet. But this time I'm not going to obsess over it or anything. I like her, and yet, it really doesn't matter too much to me whether she goes out with me again.
A big help while getting all of this practice.

I'm really happy to be back in action. It's fun, and quite uplifting. I have a lot less time now that I work 9-5 M-F, but I'm still going to keep at it. If I can get this social thing down (which remains to be seen, but bear with me), then anyone can do it. No excuses.