I went on my fourteenth date tonight. It had been a couple weeks since the last one, so I'd felt a bit of anxiety the last couple days. Would I be rusty? After all, this was a first-date - the first one of those I'd done in over a month.
In the hours leading up to this shindig, I tried monitoring my thoughts a bit more than usual. I noticed that there was a direct relationship between my level of anxiety (the "physical" feeling of anxiety) and my thoughts. When I thought about something negative - like what it would be like to have this girl ditch me like all of the others - I felt more more anxiety. Sometimes an actual surge.
When I had positive thoughts, such as thinking that I really wouldn't care if that happened, I felt much less anxious. There were moments after these positive thoughts that I felt completely at ease - back to normal. But I noticed that in order to become relaxed like that, I had to start thinking positive naturally. If I merely told myself something positive, it had no effect.
In other words, I discovered that there really is something to all that talk about thinking positive. It can and does have a big impact on anxiety level. But the key is that you can't simply think positive thoughts - it has to be more than words. You have to actually believe it.... More on all of this later in the Master Plan.
What about the actual date? We met at the most beautiful, romantic location. The Starbucks inside of a Target store! (In all seriousness, this is a really nice, recently remodeled store).
This was the fourth person I met on eHarmony.com. The first was my first date ever - I made too many first-time mistakes, and killed her incredibly high pre-meeting interest level. I saw the second girl four times. The third I just saw once - had an off day that time.
And so, this was my fourteenth date, but meeting someone you've talked to on the Internet (this time, for about a month) is ALWAYS interesting. ALWAYS! It never gets old.
The date was a lot like most of the others. The good news is that I didn't suffer badly from my "Voice Thing." My voice wasn't perfect, but it was reasonable this time.
Like almost every other date, she talked a lot. I'd written down a list of backup conversation topics, but I didn't make much effort to memorize them. As usual, I had no difficulty coming up with questions (lots of questions) based on what my date was saying. I made mildly humorous comments throughout as well.
I had reviewed the at-the-moment-quite-sparse Master Plan before our date. The thing that helped me the most was remembering something I mentioned about Inhibition: when something comes to mind, say it fast. It may seem like that could set you up to say something stupid, but that'd be a lot better than being inhibited. I, in fact, did not say anything stupid though. When something somewhat silly came to mind, or when I didn't know if it was the right time to say something, or when I felt any uncertainty whatsoever.....I just let it fly. Didn't give myself a chance to debate it. This makes a BIG difference.
And so, it was fun. I force myself to do these things because I have to - it's required for my life's mission. In fact, I don't even give myself an option anymore. I won't allow myself to turn down any social opportunity that I have. It's not even a consideration anymore.
But, I realized during this date that I was having fun. Lots of fun! It was so fun to be talking with a new person. Before this blog, I hardly ever talked at length with anyone outside of my family. So this is something I'll never take for granted.
It was fun, in and of itself. I realized that I shouldn't think so much about how my dates are going and what not - I should just enjoy myself whenever I get to do this stuff. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but it's easy to lose sight of all the important principles I discover. That's precisely the reason I'm gradually integrating everything into a one-entry Master Plan.
So how did the date go? We talked about the usual stuff - food, family, music, work. Mostly about her...she had some good stories. And she seemed to enjoy herself. There was plenty of laughter, and she was smiling most of the time. I was a little nervous, but quite possibly not even enough for her to tell.
I was aiming for 45 minutes, but kept trying to end on a high note, so the date ended up being about an hour and a half. I think it's fun to review how every first-date has ended. Is there a pattern that indicates whether or not there will be a second? Lets see....
One-and-done: "It was fun, we should do this again." (Hug)
One-and-done: "It was good meeting you, and I'll talk to you later....?" (Hug)
One-and-done: "I'll see you later...?" (Handshake-Hug)
-Successful date: "Have a safe trip home." (Hug initiated by me)
-One-and-done: "Nice meeting you. Thanks again [for the coffee]."
-Successful date: "It was nice meeting you. Talk to you soon." (she's actually still e-mailing me)
-One-and-done: "Give me a call! You have my number now." (Lingering Hug). (She accepted a second date, then cancelled it and never contacted me again)
-One-and-done: (Legendary awkward attempt at a kiss initiated by me)
Tonight: "(Hug) I'll see you...... give me a call or something!" And I said "See ya."
I like it. But I don't take these things for granted. It's hard to tell unless it goes wonderfully - which hasn't happened for me just yet. But this time I'm not going to obsess over it or anything. I like her, and yet, it really doesn't matter too much to me whether she goes out with me again.
A big help while getting all of this practice.
I'm really happy to be back in action. It's fun, and quite uplifting. I have a lot less time now that I work 9-5 M-F, but I'm still going to keep at it. If I can get this social thing down (which remains to be seen, but bear with me), then anyone can do it. No excuses.
In the hours leading up to this shindig, I tried monitoring my thoughts a bit more than usual. I noticed that there was a direct relationship between my level of anxiety (the "physical" feeling of anxiety) and my thoughts. When I thought about something negative - like what it would be like to have this girl ditch me like all of the others - I felt more more anxiety. Sometimes an actual surge.
When I had positive thoughts, such as thinking that I really wouldn't care if that happened, I felt much less anxious. There were moments after these positive thoughts that I felt completely at ease - back to normal. But I noticed that in order to become relaxed like that, I had to start thinking positive naturally. If I merely told myself something positive, it had no effect.
In other words, I discovered that there really is something to all that talk about thinking positive. It can and does have a big impact on anxiety level. But the key is that you can't simply think positive thoughts - it has to be more than words. You have to actually believe it.... More on all of this later in the Master Plan.
What about the actual date? We met at the most beautiful, romantic location. The Starbucks inside of a Target store! (In all seriousness, this is a really nice, recently remodeled store).
This was the fourth person I met on eHarmony.com. The first was my first date ever - I made too many first-time mistakes, and killed her incredibly high pre-meeting interest level. I saw the second girl four times. The third I just saw once - had an off day that time.
And so, this was my fourteenth date, but meeting someone you've talked to on the Internet (this time, for about a month) is ALWAYS interesting. ALWAYS! It never gets old.
The date was a lot like most of the others. The good news is that I didn't suffer badly from my "Voice Thing." My voice wasn't perfect, but it was reasonable this time.
Like almost every other date, she talked a lot. I'd written down a list of backup conversation topics, but I didn't make much effort to memorize them. As usual, I had no difficulty coming up with questions (lots of questions) based on what my date was saying. I made mildly humorous comments throughout as well.
I had reviewed the at-the-moment-quite-sparse Master Plan before our date. The thing that helped me the most was remembering something I mentioned about Inhibition: when something comes to mind, say it fast. It may seem like that could set you up to say something stupid, but that'd be a lot better than being inhibited. I, in fact, did not say anything stupid though. When something somewhat silly came to mind, or when I didn't know if it was the right time to say something, or when I felt any uncertainty whatsoever.....I just let it fly. Didn't give myself a chance to debate it. This makes a BIG difference.
And so, it was fun. I force myself to do these things because I have to - it's required for my life's mission. In fact, I don't even give myself an option anymore. I won't allow myself to turn down any social opportunity that I have. It's not even a consideration anymore.
But, I realized during this date that I was having fun. Lots of fun! It was so fun to be talking with a new person. Before this blog, I hardly ever talked at length with anyone outside of my family. So this is something I'll never take for granted.
It was fun, in and of itself. I realized that I shouldn't think so much about how my dates are going and what not - I should just enjoy myself whenever I get to do this stuff. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but it's easy to lose sight of all the important principles I discover. That's precisely the reason I'm gradually integrating everything into a one-entry Master Plan.
So how did the date go? We talked about the usual stuff - food, family, music, work. Mostly about her...she had some good stories. And she seemed to enjoy herself. There was plenty of laughter, and she was smiling most of the time. I was a little nervous, but quite possibly not even enough for her to tell.
I was aiming for 45 minutes, but kept trying to end on a high note, so the date ended up being about an hour and a half. I think it's fun to review how every first-date has ended. Is there a pattern that indicates whether or not there will be a second? Lets see....
One-and-done: "It was fun, we should do this again." (Hug)
One-and-done: "It was good meeting you, and I'll talk to you later....?" (Hug)
One-and-done: "I'll see you later...?" (Handshake-Hug)
-Successful date: "Have a safe trip home." (Hug initiated by me)
-One-and-done: "Nice meeting you. Thanks again [for the coffee]."
-Successful date: "It was nice meeting you. Talk to you soon." (she's actually still e-mailing me)
-One-and-done: "Give me a call! You have my number now." (Lingering Hug). (She accepted a second date, then cancelled it and never contacted me again)
-One-and-done: (Legendary awkward attempt at a kiss initiated by me)
Tonight: "(Hug) I'll see you...... give me a call or something!" And I said "See ya."
I like it. But I don't take these things for granted. It's hard to tell unless it goes wonderfully - which hasn't happened for me just yet. But this time I'm not going to obsess over it or anything. I like her, and yet, it really doesn't matter too much to me whether she goes out with me again.
A big help while getting all of this practice.
I'm really happy to be back in action. It's fun, and quite uplifting. I have a lot less time now that I work 9-5 M-F, but I'm still going to keep at it. If I can get this social thing down (which remains to be seen, but bear with me), then anyone can do it. No excuses.
1 comment:
Okay, here's the update on that date.
I called her up last night. It went like this:
"Hello?"
"Hey Caprice. It's John."
(call drops)
(she calls me back a few minutes later)
I answer, "Hey!"
"Who's this?"
"John."
"John??"
"Yeah, ..."
"What's your last name?"
"We met the other day..."
"The other day..??"
"Target.."
"Oh oh!! I'm at my work Christmas party. Can I call you back?"
"Yeah sure, I'll talk to you later."
(I hear her laughing in the background)
(Click!)
Ok. I thought I had seen it all. Whether you are interested in someone or not.... after talking to them online for a month and going on a date with them for an hour and a half....HOW CAN YOU FORGET THEIR NAME IN FIVE DAYS?????
I was pretty much unphased. I don't really care about this girl. But for some reason, I feel just a little pissed off that she didn't even remember me. She hasn't called back, and I don't expect her to.
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