Post #100: Date #34

The day I wrote the first entry in the blog, it would have been hard to imagine 100 posts and 34 dates.

But that's where we are today.

This time, I would be meeting a doctor that I'd been talking to through eHarmony. I had two simple strategies in mind. First, I would think of a very small list of good conversation topics that had potential. It took me a long time to figure it out, but it seems that having 3 or 4 solid topics that both people can discuss is enormously better than keeping in mind a long list. With the long list, the conversation can jump around too much, and trying to remember items on the list can be particularly distracting.

Distractions - that brings me to my second strategy. This time, I was going to focus on being present. I figured out recently that staying engaged externally opens the door to all of the other strategies becoming effective. The only catch is that I had to trust myself to remember to do the other things without actively thinking about them. In actuality, that should be becoming less and less of a problem, as doing things like following my impulses, ignoring anxiety, and speaking confidently becomes natural. And in fact, the first two are a natural consequence of staying present.

Starbucks. This time, I walked in exactly on time and looked around. She smiled and waved at me, while she finished up a phone conversation and sat in front of a cup of mint frappuccino.

Since she'd already ordered without me, it wasn't exactly the scenario I've faced 20 or so times already. I stumbled a tiny bit in one of my first comments. I think she might have done the same, because she said "It's a little nerve wracking, isn't it?" I smiled and said "Ah, it's not too bad." It was obviously her first "online" date.

At first, I didn't feel too positive. She was dressed up, while I was wearing jeans, and the image triggered some thoughts in my mind about her being too mature for me, since she's a doctor and two years my senior. I asked a question, and my delivery was a bit rough (think: unnecessary use of the word 'like') about her job, and I didn't feel like things were going smoothly.

I would have liked to have bought her drink, but I took advantage of the situation nonetheless. I said I guessed I'd go grab a drink. Instead of sitting with her while I waited for the barista to prepare my frappuccino, I waited by the counter on the other side of the room, and used the time to mentally regroup.

I noticed that negative thoughts had entered my consciousness. For a moment, I started to think about what it would be like for her to reject me. I started thinking about not even calling her to try for a second-date (remember - this is only five minutes into the thing), and then I regained control. I told myself that my thoughts were worse than negative - they were defeatist! I was going to give this my best shot.

The wait was longer than usual. I strategized. I decided to switch over to some much lighter topics than her career as a physician. And most importantly, I decided to stay present no matter what.

When I finally had my drink, I walked over and started by asking what kind of phone she had. My new friend from yesterday had mentioned a cell phone that can identify a song that's being played, so I asked if she'd heard of it.

My voice was pretty good. I felt "tight" instead of loose as I spoke, but it was a confident-sounding "tight" instead of the pathetic alternative I used to complain about so much.

Things were improving. I asked if real doctors watch Grey's Anatomy, and that led to some additional conversation that I was completely prepared for. Before long, the conversation was moving continuously - with only a few very brief pauses - without me having to search my mind for topics. I went back to allowing topics to be triggered from memory (which has gotten easier with more experience), along with thinking of questions to ask or things to say based on my date's responses to unrelated topics. If this is too vague for you, I once detailed the skill in this historic post.

For the most part, I was being myself. What am I like, though? I'm a little silly. She told me a story about operating on caterpillars when she was a kid, and it reminded me of something that happened to me last week, so I thought I'd try to practice and tell a little story of my own. I told her that I found a tick stuck to my leg last week. She was concerned about me possibly contracting lyme disease (she's a doctor!), but I first tried to keep the conversation light by brushing it off, telling her that I spent like (gotta stop using that word!) an hour googling it, and it wasn't the type of tick that carries lyme disease. But she was still concerned! I then tried to make a joke, and said, "There's something I should have told you... I'm invincible! It'll be our secret." I was a little stiffer than usual in my delivery, and I wondered how she perceived it. Was it completely unfunny because she's a doctor (!)? Worse yet, did it make me seem immature?

I figured that making that silly invincibility joke - even to a doctor - was just being me. That may or may not lower the interest level of a 26-year-old doctor (!), but if so, that's fine - all I've ever wanted to do was be myself.

And so, the conversation eventually moved on. It was going well! I stumbled a bit in my speech throughout, but only a bit. About 55 minutes after we met, I said I'd better head out.

The idea was, essentially, to quit while I was ahead. The plan is always 45 minutes at Starbucks, but I almost always go well beyond that time limit accidentally. Ordinarily, my date just says "okay," or something like that. But she was different.

"...Where are you going?"

She was asking where I was going?! 45 minutes should be long enough for a first date at a coffee shop, without me having to justify ending it - right??

I told her I was going to my friend's house in the next city. I'd mentioned earlier during the conversation that I was going over to fix her computer later on.

We stood and walked toward the door, but I didn't feel a good vibe. I looked great, my date had been having fun, and she even made a couple references to future activities with me earlier, so I was pretty sure she was interested. So, when she made the inquiry about my departure, I got the feeling that she felt (lots of feelings here!) that I was ditching her because I wasn't interested.

I didn't want her to feel that way! I added that I was also supposed to be having dinner with my friend's family. I then tried to continue the conversation by asking if she cooked. Her response seemed short. Since it was 4:00 in the afternoon and I was talking about going to eat dinner, I felt as if she might think I was being dishonest. But I actually wasn't! One of my 3 friends had invited me to dinner at 4:00.

Unfortunately, since I use dates as a means of gaining social experience, I've had to learn and deal with all of the "dating stuff" that goes along with that process. The strategy I've adopted is to generally avoid seeming overanxious, such that my dates may not know how if I'm interested or not, since I'm not outright telling them that I had a great time and will call them soon.

It's good if they're unsure of my interest. But, although I could be wrong, it seems from my experience that it's a killer if they think I'm not interested. So when she hugged me lightly as we stood at her car, I tried to dispel the notion. I simply added, "Talk to you later."

She said okay.

The ending was a little weird (I'll gladly take comments on it), but overall, it was a good date. Right now, I find myself mostly wondering about the ending, and about her perception of any maturity differences. This is growth in disguise! Ordinarily, I'd be more concerned about having been unable to be myself. Regardless, I'll try not to worry any further about any of it.

I'd been so engaged in the present moment that I actually hadn't thought much about my interest in the girl. I liked her! Yep, that sums it up. I've discovered a phenomenon by which if you really like someone, you start to like everything about them.

That brings me to another point. If anyone out there wants to try online dating, forget match.com and the like - eHarmony is amazing. They claim to produce 33,000 marriages a year, and I certainly believe them. I've met some of the warmest, most wonderful, apparently compatible people on that site. If I had been using eHarmony the past year without the bane of shyness, there's no telling where I would be now.

I Now Have Three Friends

Yep. Since meeting the first back in August, I've finally made a second friend!

I first met her only six days ago, but we hung out for a second time today, and now I can definitely consider her a friend.

I used the day as an opportunity to experiment with some of the ideas I've been writing about in the last few posts. Instead of doing a lot of thinking first, I just called her up, asked her if she wanted to shoot some pool around 5:15, and said I'd come by and get her. It was simple! I was mimicking my approach with my other two friends, who I've been completely comfortable with for a long time.

My plan was to focus on three things: following my impulses; ignoring anxiety and stopping negative thoughts; and staying present. Things started out okay, but I knew I could do better. I was basically where I'd left off with her - doing pretty well, but not completley being myself. When I mentioned my acting class, she said that she was surprised that I was doing acting, because her first impression of me was that I was shy. I brushed off the comment by joking that maybe I was just pretending to be shy to practice for an upcoming role (in "The Mission" the movie, perhaps?) , but it verified my perception of our first meeting.

While we played pool, I found myself ruminating about my strategy for dealing with anxiety. The result was that I was playing and making comments, and yet was not fully engaged in the activity. And as an apparent result, I wasn't quite being myself.

Finally, I decided to let it go. I knew that I needed to have faith that I could remember and stick to my strategies without actively thinking about them. Instead, I would focus entirely on being present - I'd hypothesized just today that doing so opens up the door to everything else.

I was able to pull it off. I engaged myself fully with the external world, and things quickly began to improve. As we ate dinner, I found that the conversation flowed without any awkwardness or lulls (unlike our first meeting), and I was making jokes, teasing, and doing a good amount of the talking. Behold - I was being myself!

All of that continued through the drive back to her home, where she thanked me and told me that she'd had a good night. We'd been together about four hours.

To summarize: It seems to be most important to "stay present," and trust yourself to employ the other strategies without distracting yourself by thinking about them.

Anxiety & Impulse

Anxiety

This afternoon, I was thinking about taking the next step - being able to do all of these activities without anxiety. I noticed that when I have a passing thought about being being interested in someone I've met, it sometimes brings on a feeling of anxiety. Why, though? The obvious answer is that I actually care about how things go. In actuality, though, I feel anxious because I'm afraid that caring how things go will make me anxious, and that anxiety will cause me to mess up.

Confused? This isn't entirely clear to me yet, either. But my next idea was that this starts with another false signal from my brain, kick-starting the anxiety cycle I talked about before.

If you parse my earlier description, you'll see that I'm anxious because I'm afraid of.... being anxious! In reality, there is certainly no reason that "caring" should make me feel anxious. Thus, the only way I actually will be anxious is if I'm anxious about the prospect of being anxious. Since I can logically see that there is no real threat, I should be able to relax by ignoring the initial, conditioned anxious feeling, and perhaps trying to override it with some positive thoughts and feelings.

All of that sort of made sense to me. If I'm able to get it to work consistently, I'll include it in a revised Master Plan post.

Impulse

While I was thinking about all of that, I heard my phone ring. I checked out the call display, and behold - it was my playmate for Sunday's upcoming date #34 .

In my acting class, one principle that the instructor stresses is impulse. He tells us repeatedly that the first impulse is always correct. When you follow your impulses, you engage the right side of your brain instead of the left, and don't allow the left side time to generate doubt or anxiety. At least, this is my interpretation.

I've had some definite success doing that in the past. In fact, acting on impulse is the basis for my classic anti-inhibition strategy.

So without any real thought at all, I just answered the phone.

Yep. I answered. How brave! After all, the prospect of making a phone call after (or, on a few occasions, before) one of my dates has usually nearly paralyzed me. I didn't have any conversation topics in mind - let alone the usual written notes in front of me - but the pressure feels a lot lighter when the other person's calling you, anyway.

Within the first few moments, my voice was strikingly clear and eloquent. I projected it intentionally, and felt confident. Instead of thinking any self-conscious thoughts, I instead just stayed in the moment, and spoke to her. What's going on? What are you up to? Stuff like that. We had a brief conversation about her growing up in the city. She said she'd just wanted to hear my voice before we met up. I made a slightly humorous remark about that, and the phone call was over in less than 5 minutes. Afterwards, I felt some negative and doubtful thoughts creeping into my mind, but I forcefully pressed down on the mental brake pedal to stop them.

I felt good about it. It reminded me of my very first mission activity, which was an extended phone conversation with a girl I'd been e-mailing on eHarmony.

Ha - definitely check out that link. I was 23 years old, yet talking about my very first phone conversation with a girl. You can see how excited I was....funny stuff!

But things sure have changed a lot since August 5, 2007. I figure that if I could repeat that relationship attempt now, with all of the experience and skills I've gained to back me up, I would succeed easily. But behold! I can repeat that attempt - only, with a different person.

I feel at ease now. I always tell you how I feel more relaxed as soon as I've exchanged the first few words with my blind date. The phone call is just as good.

It's interesting that I have a date with a medical doctor. With the apparent vast difference in maturity, that would have seemed totally far-fetched when I started out less than a year ago. But now, I'm confident that she will still be very interested in me after we meet, because I'll be able to be myself.

Date #33: Growth

Well, I don't know what the record is for most first-dates in a year, but I may be getting pretty close. If the Guinness Book keeps a record for "most dates in a year by a person who had never been on a date until age 23," I've got to think that I'm a lock.

Tonight was Date #33. It was with a young lady I'd met on eHarmony. This will shock you, but....we met up at Starbucks!

With the new confidence strategies, what was going on in my mind prior to our first hug at Starbucks is probably pretty important.

As I've mentioned before, I generally have a tough time staying present, instead of thinking (or worse, worrying) about other thoughts. I was feeling distracted by some social-related stuff at work, and I decided close to quitting time that I wasn't going to carry those negative feelings into the evening. I actually decide things like this every day, but rarely am able to manage.

But today, I decided to grow. I realized that being able to put aside worries and distractions in order to "stay present" is a critical skill for the mission, and for enjoying life in general.

I thought about one of the principles Steve Pavlina talks about in his podcast about overcoming fear. He uses the metaphor of weight lifting to explain how we build resistance to fear (i.e., courage). And then I thought about my acting class, where the instructor compares mental acting skills to muscles.

I understood. Along with every social skill I've talked about, the ability to "stay present" and put aside distractions is also just like a muscle. The more we exercise it, the stronger it becomes. I was going to start building that muscle today.

And so, I managed to leave my distractions at the office. I drove home, played some music, and thought positive thoughts just the way I talked about in the blog. And behold - I started to feel good!

When I got close to the Starbucks, I started to feel a little anxious. I told myself that it was just a false feeling - that I couldn't control it directly, but that I could avoid an anxiety cycle by disallowing any negative thoughts. I thought I could override negative thoughts with positive ones, which would override anxiety with confidence.

I was okay. After she didn't show up at Starbucks for a few minutes, I started to feel a little more anxious. In fact, I could see my hand shaking slightly as I waited. I figured it was the uncertainty causing me to feel the way I did, but I didn't create any cycles, and I knew that I always felt immediately better after the first moment of speaking to my new acquaintance.

Before long, she walked through the Starbucks door. I smiled to make sure it was her - she looked different in person. Usually, that's no good, but this was one of the exceptions. I found her eHarmony profile photos attractive, and I liked her new look even more. I digress, but hey - mission or no mission, these are still dates we're talking about here!

As expected, I immediately felt pretty relaxed. I projected my voice to sound confident - just like we planned. And it worked. It came out sounding flawless, like it does when I'm at my best, and that continued naturally through the rest of the night.

This one was good, guys. Very good.

I had four specific topics memorized. Fashion, politics, her homework, and winning the lottery. The first three came up naturally as we talked. In fact, I was totally myself, and everything was very natural. It was vastly different than most of the dates I've described because it was all indeed so natural. There wasn't much in the way of silences - certainly nothing awkward.

For once, we simply had a lot in common. We both follow American politics closely, so we talked lots about that - just like we did online, but in a way that was a lot more relaxed and friendly. Even on topics I didn't know much about (e.g., fashion), I still knew enough to make some interesting conversation. She did most of the talking, but we interacted the whole night, and she laughed at my jokes and humorous comments. I also noticed her checking out my body a couple times as I sat down and stood up. I felt confident, and allowed myself to have confident thoughts. Looking over as she spoke, I thought to myself, "I can't wait to kiss those lips....and I'm going to!"

The only imperfection that comes to mind is that I was a little distracted for a while. I don't feel too bad about it in this case, because it was something that's understandable, instead of my own senseless distraction. She said "I actually had to do one of the guys when I was working technical support." Huh? I was pretty confused! It sounded like she was saying do as in the slang term for "have sex with," but that couldn't be...could it? I must have misheard her, or she must have meant something else, right? No one would say that 10 minutes into a first date, right?! These were the crazy thoughts going through my mind, but in about another 10 minutes, I decided I would just figure it out later. On the way home, I realized she might have meant "do" as in "imitate." Ha :) But as usual, I digress!

After about an hour, I said I'd better head home. We walked outside, and - as she had been for the past hour - she seemed happy. She talked some more for a few minutes as we stood outside, until I asked her where she'd parked. I walked her over to her car.

She finished telling me something about a group project for graduate school, and I laughed. Then I said "Have a good night!" She said "You too, bye." We hugged slightly, but I'm not sure who initiated it. I walked away without saying anything else, and I noticed her checking me out one more time.

On the way home, I wasn't getting too excited. That was good - I'd play this one cool, and just keep at these things. As the night went on, I started to have some thoughts that I really like this girl. There's no sense in denying it: we're obviously a good match, and there's obviously mutual physical attraction. But instead of allowing any uncertain thoughts about how things will go from here, I'm only going to allow definite, confident thoughts. I've basically already planned our next 3 dates.

But now is the time to pile on. Pile on, and beat back shyness - the foul knave that it is! Summer must be the time when people start seeking out new relationships, because I have more connections online than I can even hope to keep up with. On Sunday, I'll be going on date #34 with a medical doctor I've been talking to on eHarmony.

I'm going to keep exercising those mental muscles, and grow every single day.

New Friend

Things are in full-swing. Last Sunday, I met up for the first time with a person I'd talked to through hotornot.com's "Meet Me" feature. HotOrNot is not a dating site, per se, but they advertise the "Meet Me" feature by showing couples who met that way and ended up getting married. I have "friends" as one of the keywords in my profile, but nevertheless, the meeting was still a little ambiguous.

We'd talked over e-mail for a couple weeks - I could tell she was a very sweet girl. In person, she was just the same. Within the first 15 minutes or so, I felt a vibe as if everyone knew that it was not a date - good!

I shouldn't have experienced any pressure at all, since I had no romantic interest, but I still started out feeling a little off. My voice wasn't quite in gear, and I reverted back to not having anything come to mind to say about the general question "tell me about yourself." Forgot about that one! There were also some brief silences, and I wondered if she was going to make a comment about me not having much to say.

The real problem was that I wasn't "staying present." I'd gotten mentally distracted (as I so easily do) by the fact that she didn't look the way I expected, and by some other things completely unrelated to what was going on. Before long, though, I got myself together a bit, and things started to improve. I noticed myself saying things without inhibition. Things like "That's awesome," which I wouldn't say if I were being reserved and thinking over my words instead of just naturally saying what came to mind.

We hung out for about an hour and 45 minutes. She was wearing a red shirt that said "Counselor" on the back, and on the way out, a random Starbucks-goer jokingly asked if she could counsel him, and started telling us about wanting to change careers from meteorology to something where he could work with people. I'm not sure if it was the change of scenery, or what, but when I spoke to him, I noticed that I sounded completely confident again - as I do when I'm at my best. It was a good way to end the non-date.

I realized that with all the latest blog talk about confidence (for the record, I'd been trying those methods going into this, but it'll take time), the last thing I should do was to in any way worry about how things went, or wonder if she would want to hang out again. I wouldn't have had to have wondered for long anyway, though, because she sent me this e-mail the next day:

Hi Jack,

I just wanted to let you know that it was such a pleasure meeting you yesterday. I know that starbucks was not really your thing, but hopefully that vanilla frap wasn't too bad!

I hope you're having an amazing day!

Take care,
Rhonda

It took 10 months, but it looks like I finally managed to make a second friend during this mission.

We're hanging out again this Saturday.

Bonus

When it rains, it pours. A few weeks ago, I talked about a successful date where my date was clearly interested in me, but the feelings were not mutual. That time, I was the pigeon instead of the statue. I guess she really liked me a lot, because she sent me a message through eHarmony last night, even though I haven't contacted her since we met over 3 weeks ago:

So I haven't talked to ya in awhile and just wanted to say hi. You seem like a sweet guy, so maybe if this doesn't work out, we could be friends? Anyway, what have you been up to? hope your summer's going well.

Will I be friends with her? Of course I will! At least, I'll try. I don't know what the dynamic will be like, but I'd certainly like to be friends with anyone who wants to be friends with me.

The Acting Class: Day 1

If you've read some of the earliest entries in this blog, you know that my mission to defeat shyness was always intended to be multidimensional. When I set out last summer, I planned to socialize as much as possible, throwing myself into any social activity I could come up with.

I've stayed true to that to some extent. I joined a flag football team, took a dance class, got a job, and did a couple of activities I found on meetup.com and prosinthecity.com. Those were good, but it quickly became apparent that it was a lot easier for me to meet new people for 1-on-1 conversations - mostly dates. That experience has been awesome, but I'm now starting to incorporate other activities to ramp up my efforts to become socially immersed.

With 11 months of experience and immense willpower behind me, I decided to dive head-first into an activity that is completely at odds with shyness. Every Tuesday night through July, I'm spending 3 hours in an acting class.

The first day was amazing.

I wasn't sure what to expect. There was no way for me to know how many people would even be in the class. On the way there, I had a fleeting thought about the possibility of performing in front of a hundred classmates. I've mentioned it only briefly before, but a more specific topic I will revisit later in the blog is public speaking. Going from being a little boy in school to a 23-year-old graduate student, it was always a horrifying prospect for me. It didn't seem quite as bad this time, since the class was in no way mandatory (although I'd registered and paid $250). Not only that, but I was willing to incur any risk necessary to continue turning my life around.

I felt at ease once I arrived early and saw the small classroom, along with a few of my classmates. I realized it was a perfect opportunity to meet some more people and possibly make another friend, so I sat directly next to someone, and spoke. By the time everyone had arrived, there were only ten of us - certainly a manageable group.

When the teacher asked us each to briefly tell why we took the course, there were a couple of interesting responses. Several of my classmates talked about how they were taking the class to become less introverted - just like me! This was interesting. At the same time though, I was alarmed. Alarmed because these presumably "shy" classmates of mine seemed to be effortlessly expressing something private, at length, to the point where they didn't seem shy to me at all. I, on the other hand, was feeling a little anxious, and started mentally rehearsing my own response. It was somewhat feeble - a remark about wanting to try something different, since I work in science - and it was by far the shortest comment of anyone in the class. When I tell you that I'm working to overcome shyness, I mean it. To that point, even other shy people didn't seem shy compared to me.

The amazing thing about the first day of class was that it was, more than anything else, a class about not being shy. The class is based on performing improvised theater games and exercises - it's all completely interactive, and I have no choice but to stay involved. Fittingly, the instructor first talked about overcoming shyness and inhibition (though he didn't use those two words). He mentioned that even though he's been performing for over 30 years, he still feels some anxiety every time he goes on stage or even teaches a class, but that anxiety doesn't have a negative impact on his performance. He also placed a great deal of importance on thinking with the right side of our brains instead of the left. He couldn't stress this enough - when we begin to use the left side of our brains to think things over before doing them, we create inhibition, talking ourselves out of it. It was all really great material - I wish I had taken notes for us! I'll see if I can get a book with the same lessons, and put the helpful stuff into more coherent form for the blog.

As we went through the exercises, I marveled at how perfect the class was for this mission. Every topic was relevant! Projecting your voice, being expressive, being uninhibited, being in the moment, spontaneously thinking of things to say....everything!

To start things off, each of us had to come up with a stage name, and perform an inevitably silly move to follow it every time it was spoken. I did something involving a silly tone of vice, jumping up, and making flailing arm movements. I felt feelings of embarrassment, but everyone else was doing something just as silly, so I went through with it just fine, and tried not to think about it.

The next one was a doozy. We have a magic scarf, with the property that anyone wearing it becomes a mirror - meaning that the entire class has to imitate the wearer. Before long, the instructor turned on vivacious music, so that we could dance wildly, passing around the scarf for each person's dance and expressions to be mimicked, one at a time.

I can't think of many activities that would require being more uninhibited than this one. When the scarf reached me, I decided to go for it. I stopped thinking inside my head, focused outwardly, and just went for it. I was doing all kinds of crazy moves and making all kinds of silly facial expressions, and this time I didn't feel quite as embarrassed. It helped knowing that everyone in my class was in the same boat, and no one was judging me - nor should I have cared if they were! At the beginning of the class, the instructor had talked about us building a trusting environment among ourselves, where we wouldn't feel threatened doing such uninhibited things. I realized that people on the outside are really no different than a close group of classmates - it's only a matter of perception.

It was only the first day of class, but I knew what I was doing was big stuff for shy people everywhere. We did another exercise that was sheer improv acting. Two people were on stage at a time, with everyone else watching. I actually volunteered first, and spoke loudly in front of my classmates in a scene about an argument between a husband and wife (the "wife" was actually my male teacher).

To end the night, the teacher led us in song. I remembered that all the way from grade school up to that night, I had always silently mouthed the words to songs that were sang in public groups, because I was too shy to use my voice. But this time, I sang aloud, even with the person next to me - one of the expressive people who talked about how she was taking the class to be less introverted - sat quietly. After exerting my willpower for 3 hours, I was no longer the shyest person in the room.

Confidence: Righting the Ship

I've been at this thing 11 months. I've made lots of progress, but I'm still too far from where I need to be. My efforts have been enormous, but something has been missing. Lately, it has seemed as if I could just figure out this one key thing, I could finally finish what I started.

Today, I believe I have finally found that missing piece to the puzzle. I came to it after a few rough days.

A few rough days, you ask?

I was elated when I wrote a week ago, but as is often the case, I hit some bumps in the road soon afterwards. I thought I'd finally gotten myself a second date, but the girl cancelled on me only a few hours before I was supposed to pick her up on Sunday. Then I texted "Jill" from the last post - the one who just couldn't wait to e-mail me after our Starbucks date - and she stopped responding after I proposed another date.

So of course, all that got me down. I sat at work thinking how bipolar this blog has been:

Elation.

Depression.

Joy.

Sadness....

I was going to write about how terrible it was that things kept turning out wrong even when they seemed perfect. I was going to lament! But instead, I revisited some web material that I'd discovered a few weeks ago. It was so fascinating and so relevant that I'd actually linked to it in the last post, but ended up deleting it. I've always been steadfast about not posting links to potentially helpful material until I've actually tried it out and used it successfully. I figure there are thousands of sites about shyness that have advice that sounds good, but ends up not helping, so I want to filter it out for you.

But this time, I've found something I truly believe in. Something that I was able to validate by mentally reviewing the vast experiences I've had over the last 11 months.

It's confidence.

Yes, confidence.

If you're unsurprised by this revelation, I don't blame you. I've mentioned confidence many times, and I've even written two blog entries entitled with that very word. Heck....if you look in a dictionary, you'll find that "Lacking self-confidence" is one of the first definitions of the word shyness.

With that said, I haven't placed merely enough importance on the subject. But now, I have come to the conclusion that confidence is the key. It's been right in front of us this whole time.

Confidence: Freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities.

Confidence is a tremendous resource. Here are some important things I realized:

Confidence is the cure for anxiety. My "mission" is often painful because of the feelings of anxiety I have in the days and hours leading up to a social activity. It's now clear that the cause of the anxiety is actually a lack of confidence. Given the definition above, can you think of a single time in your life that you were completely confident, and yet felt anxious? Nervous? Worried?

Confidence improves performance. When it comes to social activities (or anything else, for that matter), confidence improves our performance: Lack of confidence causes anxiety; anxiety causes nervousness, and nervousness prevents us from being ourselves, leading to social failures like the many I've documented in this blog.

And thus, if I could only be confident, all of my experiences would 1) be much more pleasant, without the accompanying anxiety, and 2) would be much more successful, since I could be myself.

The gravity of these realizations prompted me to mentally review my many experiences since starting the mission. They easily confirmed my suspicion - I had, in fact, not been confident most of the time. Here are some recent examples.

• Driving home from work yesterday, I started thinking about the unanswered text I'd sent to "Jill." I started thinking how even when things seemed perfect, they still ended up going poorly. I thought about how many failed dates I've been on the past 11 months, and I started to ask myself: why couldn't this failure go on for yet another year? What if it did? These were not confident thoughts.
  

• On eHarmony, I'm communicating with a very attractive young woman who included experience with sex on her list of "Must Haves," and who chose a question asking about my past relationships. Since I obviously have no relationship experience, while she probably has a great deal, my anxiety was so great that I began to feel it surge, like the fight-or-flight reaction, just viewing her profile. My mind automatically filled with negative thoughts. I even considered closing the match, being too afraid to even try meeting her. I briefly thought about how poorly it could go. I wondered if I would be attractive enough for her. I thought about how I'm not good at telling stories, and wondered how she could find me funny. I could go on and on, but clearly, these were not confident thoughts.

• On eHarmony, I'm also communicating with a very sweet, innocent-type girl. She's the opposite of the above person. She's seeking someone who's traditional and reserved sexually, and said that she wants to meet someone she can just get to know first. I looked at her picture last night, and automatically thought how beautiful and sweet she was. But then, I immediately started thinking and feeling as if being so genuinely interested in her would somehow jinx things, preventing them from going well. I started telling myself not to get my hopes up. Before even meeting her, I was already telling myself that it would be okay even if it went badly, because I would be able to meet many more girls after her. I could go on, but clearly, these were not confident thoughts.

From these typical examples, it's easy to see that my lack of confidence involves thought. But which came first? Did the lack of confidence cause the negative thinking? Or did the negative thoughts result in my lacking confidence?

I've figured out that there is a sort of feedback loop between the two. Sometimes, a situation or thought immediately triggers a feeling of anxiety in my body, without any conscious thought on my part. I figure it's a result of my past negative experiences with the social stuff - some sort of conditioning. Next, since I have the feeling of anxiety associated with such negative experiences, I begin to think that there are problems, even though no problem actually exists. And since I start to think that there are problems - usually major ones - I naturally begin to feel more anxious. The vicious cycle is complete. Other times, the cycle starts out with the negative thought, but the situation is obviously no better.

The end result? Actually having a problem - anxiety and nervousness - that prevents me from being myself, resulting in failure.

Now, before this entry becomes any more Zen-like and abstract, I want to give some examples of the few times during the mission where I was confident, so that we can all see how big of a difference it makes:

• I've made one new friend in the past 11 months. Since I wasn't romantically interested in her, whether or not she liked me was no big deal starting out. I didn't place much importance on it, so I had no basis for the negative thoughts or anxiety that usually kick- start the Vicious Cycle. Without that cycle, I feel confident every time I'm with her. With that confidence, I'm completely myself around her, and can dance, sing, even cheer wildly in public, and do whatever else I want to do.
  

• I had one friend before I started the mission. Since we've been friends for so long, there's no possibility of rejection, and thus no basis for the negative thoughts or anxiety that usually kick-start the Vicious Cycle. Even when I'm feeling anxious thinking about an upcoming date, I'm immediately relaxed, comfortable, and myself when I speak to him.

• Once, with a girl from eHarmony I'd been e-mailing, I tried an experiment. I decided to be confident (in fact, somewhat arrogant) in every e-mail or text message I sent her before we met. When the time to finally meet her came near, I decided to try to continue to take on that very same persona once we were together, in the flesh. When we met, I projected my voice during my initial few sentences, making it sound confident. I felt more confident and more relaxed as the conversation went on. I had no trouble thinking of things to say, and teased her repeatedly. There was no inhibition.

• Date #16 was the start of something. My date called me to ask for help finding the Starbucks a few minutes before we were supposed to meet up. Without giving myself a chance to first think, I answered the phone, projected my voice, and felt confident. Once I saw her in the flesh, this continued. She had a bit of a foreign accent, and was very shy with me during our conversation. Since I didn't feel worried that my speech would come across as somehow inferior to hers, my confidence increased. Since she was the one acting nervous with me, the risk of rejection seemed not to exist, so I felt more confident. The feeling never went away - she might have been my first girlfriend, except that I had to end it after 4 dates.
  

To review: there is more than enough evidence in the blog to convince us that we'll be much more successful if we're confident, and much less so if we're not. All that remains is to figure out how to be confident.

In my last post, I said that it seemed the only way to achieve confidence is to actually have some successes on which to base that confidence. I now realize that I was only half right about that. It definitely helps to have that basis for feeling confident, but prior successes actually aren't necessary (!). I'm starting to discover techniques that I combine to be even more confident.

This is where Steve Pavlina comes in. I discovered his site some time ago, but only in the past week I have begun to look at some of the articles. There is some truly amazing stuff there. Stuff beyond the scope of this post, and way beyond even the scope of this blog. Stuff that might amaze you, and could dramatically change your life in ways you never conceived. I encourage you to check it out with an open mind, but right now, I just want you to listen to his simple podcast about building confidence.

Steve gives four techniques. I'll summarize the ones that I'm going to try, because I found them to be true in reviewing my experiences with the mission.

#1: Visualization
Steve says that there is a "visualization recipe" for feeling confident, and a different visualization recipe for feeling self-doubt. The recipe for feeling self-doubt is to imagine yourself doing well, but also to imagine yourself doing poorly. In other words, you feed your brain mixed messages, and as a result, you simply lack confidence as a natural side-effect.

As simple as this is, it's a very big deal. I certainly have worked on imagining dates and other social activities going well, but I also allowed myself to see the same upcoming events going poorly. For example, before any first date, I have almost always tried to reassure myself that if it didn't work out, it would be fine because it was early on in the mission, or because I'd meet another girl, or something like that. I thought this would take off the pressure, but in fact, I was doing myself a disservice. I cannot allow myself to have thoughts like that - let alone intentionally create them - because recognizing the possibility of failure along with the possibility of success is the visualization recipe for feeling self-doubt. No matter what, I need to only allow myself to think about positive outcomes. Steve says it takes self-discipline and a "mental diet" to restrict yourself to positive thoughts. When thinking about things going well, it should also help to replace uncertain words like "hopefully," "probably," and "maybe" with confident words like "absolutely" and "definitely."

"She's definitely going to love me!"

#2: Speak Confidently
The idea here is that by speaking confidently (i.e., forcing your voice to sound confident even if you're not necessarily feeling confident), you can actually start to feel the way you sound. It's basically working in reverse, and it works. Looking through the old posts, you'll find that many of my successful dates had something in common. After most of them, I made some comment in the post about my voice sounding confident. On numerous successful dates and phone calls, I intentionally projected my voice when I spoke my first words. Hearing myself sound so good made me feel reassured, and feelings of confidence arose and grew as the meeting or phone call went on. Simple, but it works. (I wish you could hear what I'm talking about, but there is an incredible difference between times when my voice sounds bad the way I complain about, and the times it sounds confident. It's like I'm a different person.)

#3: Move Confidently
None of my experiences come to mind to back this up, so maybe I haven't personally had an issue with it. Just like #2, but walk and move confidently. Stand up tall, take deep breaths, and smile.

#4: Use external stimuli to trigger feelings of confidence
For example, listening to music that pumps you up emotionally. I've experienced this, but I'm just going to focus on techniques #1 and #2 for now.

None of this is going to be easy. It's going to take an enormous amount of practice, but since it's mostly mental, building confidence is something I can work on every moment of every day. I believe it will help me to finally right the ship so that in 2009, I will be able to say that I figured out how to beat shyness, and managed to do it. And of course, I'll keep working on figuring out the other pieces to the puzzle as well.

One implication of my new positive thinking regimen is that this blog isn't going to be as bipolar anymore. There won't be any more heartbroken posts where I lament the difficulty of all this. "Jill" came back to life, made a date with me, and then broke it a few hours before we were supposed to hang out - just like the other girl I mentioned! So, there was really no trifecta at all. It turned out to be something more like a monofecta, but I'm not depressed this time, and I've already moved on. I'm communicating with perhaps the most promising group of women ever right now, so expect lots of date entries. But fear not! Things are going so great that I actually have lots of other stuff to write about as well. On Sunday I'm meeting a very sweet girl who found me on hotornot.com - it'll be the first meeting from that site, and it will be good (I'm pretty sure we're meeting up as friends - not a date!). And I'll be writing about the acting class every week, because it is amazing.

The Trifecta: A New Milestone

Hey Jack, Just wanted to say hi. Hopefully you made it home safely before the tsunami hit last night haha.

Jill

With the names changed to protect the innocent, that e-mail completed The Trifecta. I went on 3 dates in six days, and each new acquaintance gave me unequivocal confirmation that she was still interested in me. Confirmation that, after spending an hour talking to me in person, she liked me, and wanted to see me again.
At last, I'm making clear, consistent progress. It took two dates to shake off the rust after that six-week lull, but now I'm back and doing as well as ever.

Date #32 was like most of the others. We met up at Starbucks, and I started out asking how her day was. A young woman and a frappuccino in front of me, a few conversation topics in mind.....you know the drill.

I noticed a few things this time. First of all, I was like an oiled machine during much of the conversation. When she asked me questions that I've heard and answered on many dates before, I didn't have to think to respond. It was smooth. The reason for this is obvious, yet frightening: experience. Being able to "smoothly" answer questions during a friendly conversation is nothing most people would even think twice about. But most people are different. They grew up having countless conversations, every day of their lives. With the exception of talking to my family, I spent my childhood in virtual silence. Yep - I'm still developing social skills that I should have had 15 years ago.

I felt confident and relaxed only moments after meeting her. Things were going just fine, and I could tell that she liked me. Unlike some of my dates, she asked me plenty of questions, rather than allowing me to become a virtual interviewer. I wasn't perfect - for example, I couldn't properly translate a few jokes I had in mind into words - but the conversation was definitely normal, and definitely good.

After about an hour, I told her I'd better head back and get some food (my delivery of this statement was dramatically smoother than it was three dates ago). We walked outside. She said, "Well it was very nice meeting you." I said "you too" and, for a change, added "Talk to you later." She said to have a good night.

Confidence

Once again, my confidence started to grow after meeting this last date. I feel as if there is no possible way she could lose interest in me. As if there is no way I can fail - I'll be seeing her as long as I please. It might seem like any of us could speak any such words to ourselves and feel more confident, but I've learned that just doesn't work. There's a big difference between saying words and actually believing something. I think the only way to actually feel confident - the key to overcoming shyness - is to build it up by having real success like I'm experiencing right now.

If you've even skimmed the titles of my blog entries, you know that I've actually had more bad experiences than good ones. How, then, do I build confidence with the memories of such dreadful days and nights? Right now, my plan is Focus. I intend to simply focus on the positive. If something negative pops into my mind, I let the thought pass, without fighting it; without dwelling on it. I shift my focus back to the very real, positive successes that I've had and continue to have. I move forward.

Up next: the first second-dates in 2 1/2 months. And then? I'm taking an acting class! 3 hours every Tuesday night. Lucky for all of us, I'll have something to write about other than dating.

Sometimes you're the statue, sometimes you're the pigeon

Sometimes you're the statue, sometimes you're the pigeon.

That phrase sums up the last couple days of my mission.

Sunday evening, I sent another text message to the last young lady I'd met up with for a first date. It had been only my second date back in action after a tremendous six-week lull. I was still shaking off the rust with her at Starbucks that day, but I thought it'd gone well enough for her to be interested. She said she already had plans when I texted her (my new strategy after getting nervous on the voice-phone and blowing a chance with a girl after what seemed like a great first date), but I was skeptical. This time, she didn't respond at all, and that was the end of that.

As usual, I was the statue.

Yesterday, things were different. I was all set for my 31st date. My confidence level was finally high again, since I'd been on an extremely successful date only a few days prior.

Date #31 started out with a little confusion. I sat waiting at Starbucks for about 10 minutes after our set meeting time, getting a little nervous, wondering where my date was. We'd talked a lot through eHarmony, where'd she'd shown great interest, so I knew she wouldn't miss out on a chance to meet me. I texted her, asking if I had the right Starbucks, and it turned out she was on the other side of town.

It was actually good news. In the past, I'd always started out on the right foot, sounding and feeling good when I had to talk to my dates on the phone only minutes before the meeting. I'm not sure why; perhaps it's because I jump into it and dial the number without thinking. Or maybe it's more because the reason for the phone call is usually confusion or lateness that's my date's fault, making me feel feel more at ease with myself.

After she drove to another Starbucks and didn't find me there, I used my trusty navigation system to drive across town to finally meet her.

I read somewhere that a man knows within the first two minutes of a first date whether or not he wants a second. It doesn't even take me that long. She was sitting outside when I drove by the coffee shop, and I already knew I wouldn't be interested.

This time, I was the pigeon.

She was nervous, and as awkward as I usually am, from the get-go. She put out her hand to shake mine, but I gave her a hug instead. I kept conversation going for most of about 5 solid minutes while we waited for our drinks to be made. I was pretty comfortable - in fact, I even made a slightly humorous comment to the barista.

We then found a seat outside, and talked for about an hour. She said that she was a little nervous, and started out by telling me her reasons for joining eHarmony, and asking if I'd ever "done this before." I tried to avoid the question. "Done what?" She said met up with someone from the Internet for a date, and I just said yes. Then she asked how many times. Uh-oh! What you and I know - that I do this all the time - was not something she should know. Lying and saying "once" was much better than giving the honest answer of "over 20," so that's exactly what I did.

I was employing one of my newest strategies, in which I keep 4-5 specific conversation topics in mind instead of trying to remember all 20-30 from my list. Yesterday, one of them was her music career - something that's a big part of her life, but that I didn't have a whole lot to say about. It resulted in her doing a lot of talking about it (she talks a lot when she's nervous), and with me doing little but turning it into an interview-style meeting for much of the time. I wasn't feeling very engaged, and I started thinking about refining my strategy to choose only topics that I would have plenty to comment on.

I had plenty of time to think while she was talking, and decided that I should change the topic to something unimportant, but that I could talk about myself. I asked about a TV show, and some stuff like that. It then started going better, and we actually began to interact a bit. But soon afterwards, it was time to call it quits, so I told her I'd better head home and get some dinner.

And so, it was time for the Famous Last Words of the date.

She said, "Maybe we can, I don't know, meet up again sometime or something."

I said alright, and that I'd talk to her later. But the truth of the matter is, I knew it wouldn't work out. I didn't feel much of a connection, but that didn't matter - I'd certainly be willing to give that a chance, except one thing: I felt zero physical attraction. This was a blind date, and she didn't look the way I expected based on her eHarmony photos. I figured physical attraction would ultimately be a requirement, so going out with her again for practice, or for any other reason, would be worse than the alternative.

She sent me a text less than 15 minutes after I left.

"Hope i didnt completely bore ya! i was a little nervous and not really myself. you seem like a really sweet guy ;)"

I know as well as anyone in this world what it's like to be nervous and not yourself, but without attraction, there isn't much I can do for her. I texted back that she didn't bore me at all and that it was nice talking to her, but she'll have to go through the disappointment you've seen me experience so many times this past year.

The good news, of course, is that I've just been successful twice in a row. People like me! And I'm feeling pretty confident.

Any typos in this post can be blamed on the fact that my time is short - I have to go prepare for tomorrow's Date #32.