The day I wrote the first entry in the blog, it would have been hard to imagine 100 posts and 34 dates.
But that's where we are today.
This time, I would be meeting a doctor that I'd been talking to through eHarmony. I had two simple strategies in mind. First, I would think of a very small list of good conversation topics that had potential. It took me a long time to figure it out, but it seems that having 3 or 4 solid topics that both people can discuss is enormously better than keeping in mind a long list. With the long list, the conversation can jump around too much, and trying to remember items on the list can be particularly distracting.
Distractions - that brings me to my second strategy. This time, I was going to focus on being present. I figured out recently that staying engaged externally opens the door to all of the other strategies becoming effective. The only catch is that I had to trust myself to remember to do the other things without actively thinking about them. In actuality, that should be becoming less and less of a problem, as doing things like following my impulses, ignoring anxiety, and speaking confidently becomes natural. And in fact, the first two are a natural consequence of staying present.
Starbucks. This time, I walked in exactly on time and looked around. She smiled and waved at me, while she finished up a phone conversation and sat in front of a cup of mint frappuccino.
Since she'd already ordered without me, it wasn't exactly the scenario I've faced 20 or so times already. I stumbled a tiny bit in one of my first comments. I think she might have done the same, because she said "It's a little nerve wracking, isn't it?" I smiled and said "Ah, it's not too bad." It was obviously her first "online" date.
At first, I didn't feel too positive. She was dressed up, while I was wearing jeans, and the image triggered some thoughts in my mind about her being too mature for me, since she's a doctor and two years my senior. I asked a question, and my delivery was a bit rough (think: unnecessary use of the word 'like') about her job, and I didn't feel like things were going smoothly.
I would have liked to have bought her drink, but I took advantage of the situation nonetheless. I said I guessed I'd go grab a drink. Instead of sitting with her while I waited for the barista to prepare my frappuccino, I waited by the counter on the other side of the room, and used the time to mentally regroup.
I noticed that negative thoughts had entered my consciousness. For a moment, I started to think about what it would be like for her to reject me. I started thinking about not even calling her to try for a second-date (remember - this is only five minutes into the thing), and then I regained control. I told myself that my thoughts were worse than negative - they were defeatist! I was going to give this my best shot.
The wait was longer than usual. I strategized. I decided to switch over to some much lighter topics than her career as a physician. And most importantly, I decided to stay present no matter what.
When I finally had my drink, I walked over and started by asking what kind of phone she had. My new friend from yesterday had mentioned a cell phone that can identify a song that's being played, so I asked if she'd heard of it.
My voice was pretty good. I felt "tight" instead of loose as I spoke, but it was a confident-sounding "tight" instead of the pathetic alternative I used to complain about so much.
Things were improving. I asked if real doctors watch Grey's Anatomy, and that led to some additional conversation that I was completely prepared for. Before long, the conversation was moving continuously - with only a few very brief pauses - without me having to search my mind for topics. I went back to allowing topics to be triggered from memory (which has gotten easier with more experience), along with thinking of questions to ask or things to say based on my date's responses to unrelated topics. If this is too vague for you, I once detailed the skill in this historic post.
For the most part, I was being myself. What am I like, though? I'm a little silly. She told me a story about operating on caterpillars when she was a kid, and it reminded me of something that happened to me last week, so I thought I'd try to practice and tell a little story of my own. I told her that I found a tick stuck to my leg last week. She was concerned about me possibly contracting lyme disease (she's a doctor!), but I first tried to keep the conversation light by brushing it off, telling her that I spent like (gotta stop using that word!) an hour googling it, and it wasn't the type of tick that carries lyme disease. But she was still concerned! I then tried to make a joke, and said, "There's something I should have told you... I'm invincible! It'll be our secret." I was a little stiffer than usual in my delivery, and I wondered how she perceived it. Was it completely unfunny because she's a doctor (!)? Worse yet, did it make me seem immature?
I figured that making that silly invincibility joke - even to a doctor - was just being me. That may or may not lower the interest level of a 26-year-old doctor (!), but if so, that's fine - all I've ever wanted to do was be myself.
And so, the conversation eventually moved on. It was going well! I stumbled a bit in my speech throughout, but only a bit. About 55 minutes after we met, I said I'd better head out.
The idea was, essentially, to quit while I was ahead. The plan is always 45 minutes at Starbucks, but I almost always go well beyond that time limit accidentally. Ordinarily, my date just says "okay," or something like that. But she was different.
"...Where are you going?"
She was asking where I was going?! 45 minutes should be long enough for a first date at a coffee shop, without me having to justify ending it - right??
I told her I was going to my friend's house in the next city. I'd mentioned earlier during the conversation that I was going over to fix her computer later on.
We stood and walked toward the door, but I didn't feel a good vibe. I looked great, my date had been having fun, and she even made a couple references to future activities with me earlier, so I was pretty sure she was interested. So, when she made the inquiry about my departure, I got the feeling that she felt (lots of feelings here!) that I was ditching her because I wasn't interested.
I didn't want her to feel that way! I added that I was also supposed to be having dinner with my friend's family. I then tried to continue the conversation by asking if she cooked. Her response seemed short. Since it was 4:00 in the afternoon and I was talking about going to eat dinner, I felt as if she might think I was being dishonest. But I actually wasn't! One of my 3 friends had invited me to dinner at 4:00.
Unfortunately, since I use dates as a means of gaining social experience, I've had to learn and deal with all of the "dating stuff" that goes along with that process. The strategy I've adopted is to generally avoid seeming overanxious, such that my dates may not know how if I'm interested or not, since I'm not outright telling them that I had a great time and will call them soon.
It's good if they're unsure of my interest. But, although I could be wrong, it seems from my experience that it's a killer if they think I'm not interested. So when she hugged me lightly as we stood at her car, I tried to dispel the notion. I simply added, "Talk to you later."
She said okay.
The ending was a little weird (I'll gladly take comments on it), but overall, it was a good date. Right now, I find myself mostly wondering about the ending, and about her perception of any maturity differences. This is growth in disguise! Ordinarily, I'd be more concerned about having been unable to be myself. Regardless, I'll try not to worry any further about any of it.
I'd been so engaged in the present moment that I actually hadn't thought much about my interest in the girl. I liked her! Yep, that sums it up. I've discovered a phenomenon by which if you really like someone, you start to like everything about them.
That brings me to another point. If anyone out there wants to try online dating, forget match.com and the like - eHarmony is amazing. They claim to produce 33,000 marriages a year, and I certainly believe them. I've met some of the warmest, most wonderful, apparently compatible people on that site. If I had been using eHarmony the past year without the bane of shyness, there's no telling where I would be now.
But that's where we are today.
This time, I would be meeting a doctor that I'd been talking to through eHarmony. I had two simple strategies in mind. First, I would think of a very small list of good conversation topics that had potential. It took me a long time to figure it out, but it seems that having 3 or 4 solid topics that both people can discuss is enormously better than keeping in mind a long list. With the long list, the conversation can jump around too much, and trying to remember items on the list can be particularly distracting.
Distractions - that brings me to my second strategy. This time, I was going to focus on being present. I figured out recently that staying engaged externally opens the door to all of the other strategies becoming effective. The only catch is that I had to trust myself to remember to do the other things without actively thinking about them. In actuality, that should be becoming less and less of a problem, as doing things like following my impulses, ignoring anxiety, and speaking confidently becomes natural. And in fact, the first two are a natural consequence of staying present.
Starbucks. This time, I walked in exactly on time and looked around. She smiled and waved at me, while she finished up a phone conversation and sat in front of a cup of mint frappuccino.
Since she'd already ordered without me, it wasn't exactly the scenario I've faced 20 or so times already. I stumbled a tiny bit in one of my first comments. I think she might have done the same, because she said "It's a little nerve wracking, isn't it?" I smiled and said "Ah, it's not too bad." It was obviously her first "online" date.
At first, I didn't feel too positive. She was dressed up, while I was wearing jeans, and the image triggered some thoughts in my mind about her being too mature for me, since she's a doctor and two years my senior. I asked a question, and my delivery was a bit rough (think: unnecessary use of the word 'like') about her job, and I didn't feel like things were going smoothly.
I would have liked to have bought her drink, but I took advantage of the situation nonetheless. I said I guessed I'd go grab a drink. Instead of sitting with her while I waited for the barista to prepare my frappuccino, I waited by the counter on the other side of the room, and used the time to mentally regroup.
I noticed that negative thoughts had entered my consciousness. For a moment, I started to think about what it would be like for her to reject me. I started thinking about not even calling her to try for a second-date (remember - this is only five minutes into the thing), and then I regained control. I told myself that my thoughts were worse than negative - they were defeatist! I was going to give this my best shot.
The wait was longer than usual. I strategized. I decided to switch over to some much lighter topics than her career as a physician. And most importantly, I decided to stay present no matter what.
When I finally had my drink, I walked over and started by asking what kind of phone she had. My new friend from yesterday had mentioned a cell phone that can identify a song that's being played, so I asked if she'd heard of it.
My voice was pretty good. I felt "tight" instead of loose as I spoke, but it was a confident-sounding "tight" instead of the pathetic alternative I used to complain about so much.
Things were improving. I asked if real doctors watch Grey's Anatomy, and that led to some additional conversation that I was completely prepared for. Before long, the conversation was moving continuously - with only a few very brief pauses - without me having to search my mind for topics. I went back to allowing topics to be triggered from memory (which has gotten easier with more experience), along with thinking of questions to ask or things to say based on my date's responses to unrelated topics. If this is too vague for you, I once detailed the skill in this historic post.
For the most part, I was being myself. What am I like, though? I'm a little silly. She told me a story about operating on caterpillars when she was a kid, and it reminded me of something that happened to me last week, so I thought I'd try to practice and tell a little story of my own. I told her that I found a tick stuck to my leg last week. She was concerned about me possibly contracting lyme disease (she's a doctor!), but I first tried to keep the conversation light by brushing it off, telling her that I spent like (gotta stop using that word!) an hour googling it, and it wasn't the type of tick that carries lyme disease. But she was still concerned! I then tried to make a joke, and said, "There's something I should have told you... I'm invincible! It'll be our secret." I was a little stiffer than usual in my delivery, and I wondered how she perceived it. Was it completely unfunny because she's a doctor (!)? Worse yet, did it make me seem immature?
I figured that making that silly invincibility joke - even to a doctor - was just being me. That may or may not lower the interest level of a 26-year-old doctor (!), but if so, that's fine - all I've ever wanted to do was be myself.
And so, the conversation eventually moved on. It was going well! I stumbled a bit in my speech throughout, but only a bit. About 55 minutes after we met, I said I'd better head out.
The idea was, essentially, to quit while I was ahead. The plan is always 45 minutes at Starbucks, but I almost always go well beyond that time limit accidentally. Ordinarily, my date just says "okay," or something like that. But she was different.
"...Where are you going?"
She was asking where I was going?! 45 minutes should be long enough for a first date at a coffee shop, without me having to justify ending it - right??
I told her I was going to my friend's house in the next city. I'd mentioned earlier during the conversation that I was going over to fix her computer later on.
We stood and walked toward the door, but I didn't feel a good vibe. I looked great, my date had been having fun, and she even made a couple references to future activities with me earlier, so I was pretty sure she was interested. So, when she made the inquiry about my departure, I got the feeling that she felt (lots of feelings here!) that I was ditching her because I wasn't interested.
I didn't want her to feel that way! I added that I was also supposed to be having dinner with my friend's family. I then tried to continue the conversation by asking if she cooked. Her response seemed short. Since it was 4:00 in the afternoon and I was talking about going to eat dinner, I felt as if she might think I was being dishonest. But I actually wasn't! One of my 3 friends had invited me to dinner at 4:00.
Unfortunately, since I use dates as a means of gaining social experience, I've had to learn and deal with all of the "dating stuff" that goes along with that process. The strategy I've adopted is to generally avoid seeming overanxious, such that my dates may not know how if I'm interested or not, since I'm not outright telling them that I had a great time and will call them soon.
It's good if they're unsure of my interest. But, although I could be wrong, it seems from my experience that it's a killer if they think I'm not interested. So when she hugged me lightly as we stood at her car, I tried to dispel the notion. I simply added, "Talk to you later."
She said okay.
The ending was a little weird (I'll gladly take comments on it), but overall, it was a good date. Right now, I find myself mostly wondering about the ending, and about her perception of any maturity differences. This is growth in disguise! Ordinarily, I'd be more concerned about having been unable to be myself. Regardless, I'll try not to worry any further about any of it.
I'd been so engaged in the present moment that I actually hadn't thought much about my interest in the girl. I liked her! Yep, that sums it up. I've discovered a phenomenon by which if you really like someone, you start to like everything about them.
That brings me to another point. If anyone out there wants to try online dating, forget match.com and the like - eHarmony is amazing. They claim to produce 33,000 marriages a year, and I certainly believe them. I've met some of the warmest, most wonderful, apparently compatible people on that site. If I had been using eHarmony the past year without the bane of shyness, there's no telling where I would be now.
2 comments:
I've never understood your 45 min Starbucks rule. Stay as long as the conversation is flowing, you don't want to look like you are clock watching. It's understandable that the girl might have felt slightly dejected.
Although there is the old saying "treat 'em mean keep 'em kean". Not sure how true that is!
Still admire your commitment to the mission, I think as you know most of the issues you are having are in your head. You've made some girl-friends now, that will help you understand the female mentality, it will also assure you that girls aren't all that different. Instead of cars, they like shoes, find neutral territory like books, films and such.
The 45-minute "rule" (I'm actually not strict about it) comes down from an Internet love guru whose articles I've followed. I've never been successful when the other person ended the date, but who knows.
In this case, I think I did a good job of feeling it out and defusing the situation (i.e., the slight dejection) by letting her know I was interested. I called her four days later, and everything was perfect.
It's kinda tough to know the right things to do when it comes to the actual dating itself, but I figure I'll continue to develop better ideas of how to go about things as I get more and more experienced. And yeah, the female friends should definitely help.
Thanks for the encouragement :-)
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