Date #35......
I hadn't given this one much thought. I actually didn't know until this afternoon that we'd be meeting, and only minutes before my drive to Starbucks, I was making phone calls to the last two women I'd met.
--
She was a sight to see. Amazingly beautiful, and amazing in general. A trained opera singer, her voice was beautiful and soft, and her manner of speaking was as eloquent as she was sophisticated. The way she played with her long, flowing, perfect hair reminded me of the first girl I was enamored with back in September.
I made the usual conversation as we waited for coffee. I had a few easy topics in mind - her opera singing, acting, and the trip to New York City she'd just returned from in time to meet me.
Sadly, my voice was a little off. I was suffering from the wretched voice thing that plagued me so much when I started out. It seems I probably should have been able to override it by projecting my voice confidently like we talked about, but somehow, I never got that going.
Oddly, it seems like the fate of my dates is often tied to the way my voice sounds. Maybe there's something to it - perhaps when I don't hear myself sounding confident, I don't feel confident, either.
Don't get me wrong - it wasn't that bad. Not at all, really; I just wasn't quite myself the way I was just 1 week ago. I did mostly follow my impulses - that helped avoid some silences, but I often didn't feel comfortable with the way some things came out, or, ultimately, the way I ended the date....
I felt some difficulty in coming up with topics of conversation. I was mostly focused on staying present, but at times I thought that I didn't know what to say next, and started to search my brain. Even when I tried to think of the mere 3-item short list, I couldn't seem to do it in the midst of a conversation - probably the way it should be.
Somehow, trying to follow my impulses led me to repeatedly ask questions about opera. I'm uncertain as to if that's a bad thing. On the one hand, music is an enormous part of her life - her job, her hobby, her passion. On the other hand, though, she already knows about herself, so was it interesting for her to keep telling me things about it?
It seemed like I was asking too many questions. I remembered to add information about myself whenever I noticed how something could relate to my own experiences, but it usually was short, and wasn't very smooth. She was so cultured, well-traveled and interesting that I felt woefully dull by comparison. Combined with the voice thing, that's probably what shook my confidence. I didn't have many conscious negative thoughts, but I didn't feel or sound certain in much of anything I said about myself, wavering slightly instead. In addition, there were a lot of intangible things I knew I could do much better.
But again - it wasn't all bad. I made a couple of humorous comments about being invincible and becoming a movie star. There were even flashes when I could hear and feel the real me. And if only by luck, we connected perfectly for a moment. We were talking about people changing their nicknames, and we both said "like P. Diddy" at the exact same time. It was cool.
After we'd been talking a while, something reminded me of the MySpace/facebook conversation topic. I asked her if she had a MySpace page, and when she said no, I echoed her precise reasons for disliking the site - the tackiness, the music that automatically plays, clashing with whatever we had playing on our PC's already....
Finally, we had found something in common. She said "See? We're gellin."
I was glad, but I felt as if I was running low on topics (although I thought of plenty just moments after the date ended). I followed my impule, which said to end it on a high note. So I said, "Well, I guess I'd better let you get some rest."
I then asked when she was leaving for her 3-week trip to Hawaii. She said Saturday morning, and then it hit me. I was ending our first date fairly early, even though we couldn't possibly see each other again for 3 weeks! She went on telling me something about earthquakes in California, but I was distracted by what seemed to be a huge error.
She looked at her watch, and I looked at mine. It'd been precisely one hour. That seems about right for a first meeting, but I'm unsure about having ended it when I did. After all, it was the very first thing I said after she pointed out that we were connecting.
When we walked toward her car, she said something like (for the record), "It was nice meeting you. Have a good time with your family tomorrow." I told her to have a good time in Hawaii, and made sure to say "Talk to you later" so she hopefully wouldn't think I was uninterested.
Was she interested anyway? She seemed to be in no hurry to end the date, even though it was 10:30 at night and she'd just driven from New York. And she had said we were starting to gel! I was a long way from my best, but I realize it's possible she was interested anyway. As much as I've complained in this post, the fact of the matter is that I was a lot better than I was the first time I landed a second date. Even my worst day now is enormously better than my best day back in August. (Man, I wrote some silly stuff back then! Favorite color??). I learned early on that there is always hope.
Since she's going to be gone for 3 weeks, I figure I'll try something different with her. Instead of waiting five or six days to call her and ask her to a second date, I'll send her a text tomorrow saying I had a good time - what people usually do. It may hurt me, or it may save me, or, more likely, it probably doesn't matter - these things confuse me - but that's what I'm going to do.
I feel some pain, though. I want this to end. Dating like a madman is part of what I have to do to make up for years of lost social experience, but there is one aspect I'm tiring of: having so many people come into my life, only to make a nearly immediate exit. I didn't say as much in the blog last Thursday, but I was sure that I connected with the girl I met that day more than I ever have with anyone. I was myself, 100%, and we seemed great together. It was flawless! But I called her the past two days, only to achieve the usual result - no response. No callback.
Instead of jumping to conclusions, I immediately moved on, and called up last Sunday's date. Hey, maybe I just needed to talk to these ladies four days later instead of five. She was at a party, and I told her I couldn't hear a word she was saying, so she said she'd call me back. I think she will - why would she even answer otherwise? - and I need to start expecting only positive results if I'm going to be serious about building my confidence.
As a side note, I should take back what I said last time about forgetting match.com. That's where I met my date from today, and I'm pretty much crazy about her. It's probably a good thing that I've been meeting so many different people. The main thing I discovered is that there are a lot of very interesting, great women, all in their own unique ways. If I were ever to end up with a girl like I met tonight, I don't see how I could ever want to let her go. But for now, I'd just like to go out on a second date with someone....
I hadn't given this one much thought. I actually didn't know until this afternoon that we'd be meeting, and only minutes before my drive to Starbucks, I was making phone calls to the last two women I'd met.
--
She was a sight to see. Amazingly beautiful, and amazing in general. A trained opera singer, her voice was beautiful and soft, and her manner of speaking was as eloquent as she was sophisticated. The way she played with her long, flowing, perfect hair reminded me of the first girl I was enamored with back in September.
I made the usual conversation as we waited for coffee. I had a few easy topics in mind - her opera singing, acting, and the trip to New York City she'd just returned from in time to meet me.
Sadly, my voice was a little off. I was suffering from the wretched voice thing that plagued me so much when I started out. It seems I probably should have been able to override it by projecting my voice confidently like we talked about, but somehow, I never got that going.
Oddly, it seems like the fate of my dates is often tied to the way my voice sounds. Maybe there's something to it - perhaps when I don't hear myself sounding confident, I don't feel confident, either.
Don't get me wrong - it wasn't that bad. Not at all, really; I just wasn't quite myself the way I was just 1 week ago. I did mostly follow my impulses - that helped avoid some silences, but I often didn't feel comfortable with the way some things came out, or, ultimately, the way I ended the date....
I felt some difficulty in coming up with topics of conversation. I was mostly focused on staying present, but at times I thought that I didn't know what to say next, and started to search my brain. Even when I tried to think of the mere 3-item short list, I couldn't seem to do it in the midst of a conversation - probably the way it should be.
Somehow, trying to follow my impulses led me to repeatedly ask questions about opera. I'm uncertain as to if that's a bad thing. On the one hand, music is an enormous part of her life - her job, her hobby, her passion. On the other hand, though, she already knows about herself, so was it interesting for her to keep telling me things about it?
It seemed like I was asking too many questions. I remembered to add information about myself whenever I noticed how something could relate to my own experiences, but it usually was short, and wasn't very smooth. She was so cultured, well-traveled and interesting that I felt woefully dull by comparison. Combined with the voice thing, that's probably what shook my confidence. I didn't have many conscious negative thoughts, but I didn't feel or sound certain in much of anything I said about myself, wavering slightly instead. In addition, there were a lot of intangible things I knew I could do much better.
But again - it wasn't all bad. I made a couple of humorous comments about being invincible and becoming a movie star. There were even flashes when I could hear and feel the real me. And if only by luck, we connected perfectly for a moment. We were talking about people changing their nicknames, and we both said "like P. Diddy" at the exact same time. It was cool.
After we'd been talking a while, something reminded me of the MySpace/facebook conversation topic. I asked her if she had a MySpace page, and when she said no, I echoed her precise reasons for disliking the site - the tackiness, the music that automatically plays, clashing with whatever we had playing on our PC's already....
Finally, we had found something in common. She said "See? We're gellin."
I was glad, but I felt as if I was running low on topics (although I thought of plenty just moments after the date ended). I followed my impule, which said to end it on a high note. So I said, "Well, I guess I'd better let you get some rest."
I then asked when she was leaving for her 3-week trip to Hawaii. She said Saturday morning, and then it hit me. I was ending our first date fairly early, even though we couldn't possibly see each other again for 3 weeks! She went on telling me something about earthquakes in California, but I was distracted by what seemed to be a huge error.
She looked at her watch, and I looked at mine. It'd been precisely one hour. That seems about right for a first meeting, but I'm unsure about having ended it when I did. After all, it was the very first thing I said after she pointed out that we were connecting.
When we walked toward her car, she said something like (for the record), "It was nice meeting you. Have a good time with your family tomorrow." I told her to have a good time in Hawaii, and made sure to say "Talk to you later" so she hopefully wouldn't think I was uninterested.
Was she interested anyway? She seemed to be in no hurry to end the date, even though it was 10:30 at night and she'd just driven from New York. And she had said we were starting to gel! I was a long way from my best, but I realize it's possible she was interested anyway. As much as I've complained in this post, the fact of the matter is that I was a lot better than I was the first time I landed a second date. Even my worst day now is enormously better than my best day back in August. (Man, I wrote some silly stuff back then! Favorite color??). I learned early on that there is always hope.
Since she's going to be gone for 3 weeks, I figure I'll try something different with her. Instead of waiting five or six days to call her and ask her to a second date, I'll send her a text tomorrow saying I had a good time - what people usually do. It may hurt me, or it may save me, or, more likely, it probably doesn't matter - these things confuse me - but that's what I'm going to do.
I feel some pain, though. I want this to end. Dating like a madman is part of what I have to do to make up for years of lost social experience, but there is one aspect I'm tiring of: having so many people come into my life, only to make a nearly immediate exit. I didn't say as much in the blog last Thursday, but I was sure that I connected with the girl I met that day more than I ever have with anyone. I was myself, 100%, and we seemed great together. It was flawless! But I called her the past two days, only to achieve the usual result - no response. No callback.
Instead of jumping to conclusions, I immediately moved on, and called up last Sunday's date. Hey, maybe I just needed to talk to these ladies four days later instead of five. She was at a party, and I told her I couldn't hear a word she was saying, so she said she'd call me back. I think she will - why would she even answer otherwise? - and I need to start expecting only positive results if I'm going to be serious about building my confidence.
As a side note, I should take back what I said last time about forgetting match.com. That's where I met my date from today, and I'm pretty much crazy about her. It's probably a good thing that I've been meeting so many different people. The main thing I discovered is that there are a lot of very interesting, great women, all in their own unique ways. If I were ever to end up with a girl like I met tonight, I don't see how I could ever want to let her go. But for now, I'd just like to go out on a second date with someone....
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