Without excusing herself, she had used her cell phone to have a short text message conversation while we were in the car. This is something I would never, ever even think about doing while on a second date. At one point, I was asking her a question, and she ignored it until she finished typing something on her cell phone. At best, these antics were rude. At worst, they were downright disrespectful. Then, while we ate dinner, she left her cell phone on the table the entire time, and flipped it open to check for messages periodically. At other times, it felt as if she were paying more attention to the environment than to me. And finally, when I tried to kiss her goodnight, she turned her face to avoid my lips.
Of course, here I’m focusing on the negative aspects of the date, while in the last post I put them into context with the rest of the evening. Still, though, enumerating the red flags helps me keep things in perspective.
And so, back to Monday’s phone call. I had waited nine days to call her, not wanting to get into the act of chasing someone who hadn’t shown clear interest in me. The first three or four days were absolute torture. I simply couldn’t handle the uncertainty, of which there was plenty. After constantly feeling anxious and incessantly ruminating over things those first few days, I actually started feeling less interested as I recalled some of her rude behavior. Nevertheless, I liked her, and I was by all means going to give this a chance.
In order to avoid building up any more anxiety, I dialed her number without planning exactly what to say. She answered, but I was still a little uncomfortable, and my voice was off. I made small talk for a couple minutes, and then said, “Well anyway, I was calling to see if you wanted to get together one day in the next week or so.” She said something about having to check to see what day she was on call at work, and said she’d call me back.
More uncertainty. More anxiety. More rumination. I really have to work on those things.
By the next night, I felt instinctively as if I would never hear from her again. At first, I had a hard time dealing. The thing that bothered me the most was wondering if I’d blown it by coming across nervous on that last phone call. After all – she had answered, when she could have ignored the call. If the 2 minute, 59 second call-after had gone as well as the date, I would have felt better. It doesn’t bother me much to think that someone isn’t interested in the real me: the real pain comes from thinking that if I could only be myself, things would work out. I also felt as if I would never meet anyone quite like her again, and that hurt, too.
Soon, though, I began to see some of the perspective that I’m trying to write out in this post. How interested could she have been in the first place if she behaved rudely halfway into our date? I have no idea how she could have lost interest so quickly – it’s a head-scratcher – but the question is unanswerable, so I have to let it go. And did I really want to be with someone who could be so inconsiderate? Unfortunately, in this case the answer is yes, but I know that it shouldn’t be.
I also realized that nothing about the phone call could have been that big of a deal. This girl had gotten to see the real me, and I’d left her with no doubt about how I felt about her, since I tried (twice) to kiss her. If I seemed nervous on the phone, she should obviously have attributed it to the way she acted on our date. If she wasn’t interested after the phone call, then she surely wasn't after the date, either.
My Internet connection is down right now, so I’m typing this in a local file on my computer. I needed to clear my head, so I was determined to write something tonight. The amazing thing is that I’ve already written 758 words here, and they’re all about this one girl! That may be a record, but so be it – it captures a prominent part of the experience that is my mission.
And so, it’s all a little sad. I’ve had my heart broken so many times that……
Well, it won’t be broken for too long. I’ve recovered from everything else, and this won’t be any different. Despite knowing that, I can't help but feel down from time to time. It's only natural. There probably isn't a normal human being on the planet who could suffer rejection by over 20 love interests in less than a year without feeling a little sad.
As far as dating goes, I've experienced going out with so many women on the mission that if I were to meet the right person now, I probably would be able to tell. The right person is certainly going to be someone who’s crazy about me – not someone who’s more interested in her cell phone.
Look how far we’ve come. Just think - I’m entertaining the possibility of experiencing an actual relationship in the near future. Now that I have defeated inhibition – or at least, have it on the ropes – the possibilities are endless.
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