Building Courage: The Nightclub

Another weekend had arrived. It would be the second weekend in a row without a date, or any planned social activity. Between lingering negative feelings from the last failed date and simply having nothing to look forward to, I was feeling less than fantastic by Friday night.

Once again, nothing was going on with either of my dating sites, eHarmony or match.com. The situation was beginning to look frighteningly like the six-week lull that started last March, during which I managed to produce no dates and little else to further my goals. After my extraordinary breakthrough in overcoming inhibition, this was a terrible prospect. I knew that I needed to keep attacking the problem with all my might before it could regain any ground.

And so, I decided to do something on Saturday. Two of my friends were out of town, and the third one was recovering from surgery, so whatever I did, I would have to do it alone.

My first thought was to go out and talk to someone in public. I started thinking that after over a year on this mission, that's something I ought to be able to do. In fact, I should even be able to meet a young lady who I could later call for a date - the online dating stuff was originally envisioned as only a means to this end.

I planned to do it at the mall. I'd use a line from the great blog approachanxiety.com. "Hi. I was on my way to such and such, and just wanted to say Hi." She'd smile, and I'd say "I'm J." Something like that.

One problem: I've tried to do this many times before. Many, many times! I write a lot of stuff in the blog, but a lot of other, unmentioned stuff actually goes on as well. Since starting the mission, I've gone to the mall with the intention of trying this more times than I can count, and I've never managed to do it. The situation has rarely seemed right, and when it has been, quite frankly, I've chickened out.

But I decided that things were going to have to change. I've made so much progress against inhibition now that I should actually be able to do it.

That said, I realized that the mall is boring, and it may be a little more difficult to meet someone there, since people generally don't go to the mall to look for potential mates. What if I were to go to a nightclub instead? A year ago, that would have been unthinkable, but now I've reached the point that there's no holding back. I am admittedly obsessed with this mission of mine, and there is nothing that I won't do in my efforts to complete it.

Once I decided I was going, I was going. No if's, and's, or but's about it - there was no possibility of me talking myself out of it, because I wouldn't allow any thoughts along those lines.

As it turns out, the situation with the nightclub was perfectly analogous to my mall situation. In college, we had dance parties on campus with a similar environment (minus the alcohol), and I'd tried to go and interact just about every time. And every single time I tried, I failed. I was way too inhibited to even dance a little, let alone try to initiate a conversation with someone. But last night, I decided that things would have to be different.

As I waited in line outside the club, a short and very cute girl smiled at me. I was in the middle of thinking through something, so it caught me off-guard, and I responded with only a closed-mouth smile and looked away. Then she smiled again, and I returned a smile showing my teeth, causing her to smile some more. I knew that I should have spoken to her. It would have been easy! That was the sort of failed interaction I experienced all the other times I put myself into such situations. I realized the night was very young though, so instead of getting discouraged, I did a little strategizing.

Simple stuff, just like with the dating: Stay present, focusing on the outside world instead of your own thoughts. That opens up the door to being able to make observations, and allows you to feel impulses for what to do instead of having to think about it. Finally, just let go of any inhibitions and follow your impulses. (Interestingly, my acting instructor also stressed staying in the moment, making observations, following your impulses and letting go).

In my first two hours inside the club, it was starting to look like nothing had changed. I stood on the side of the Latin dance floor, feeling as if there were no possible way I could get involved. It looked like everyone dancing had a partner, and I had come out alone. Then I moved to the hip-hop dance floor, and that seemed even worse! I wasn't doing anything except walking and standing, and yet I was already feeling a little self-conscious.

There weren't many people dancing in the hip-hop room, so I felt extremely self-conscious at the thought of dancing alone in there. Then I walked upstairs to the roof, where the music was quiet, so it would be easy to to have a conversation. Easy to hear the other person, that is - not so easy for me to initiate a conversation! I couldn't seem to find someone who was alone, and talking to someone in a group didn't seem manageable. Two girls were standing next to me chatting casually, and I realized that they probably would have been happy to speak to me. Then I realized I had gotten away from my strategies - it had been a couple minutes before I even realized that I could have spoken to them. I'd been too busy thinking through things in my head instead of being present.

And so, there was one last dance floor remaining. This time, I went to the balcony of the room to observe and plan before making an appearance. It was a techno music room. Two or three hundred people on the dance floor under the strobe lights, often jumping up and down in excitement with the music.

I'd been in the club almost 2 hours, and had neither danced nor spoken to anyone. I thought about the prospect of leaving, with the night ending just like all of my other, pre-mission attempts.

I spent quite a bit of time on that balcony. I got to thinking - things can be different. There are hundreds of people down there, and people will hardly notice me if I go down and dance. I don't know about meeting anyone, but I can at least have fun! And I thought about the things that I'd done on the mission. I thought about the fact that I'd danced one day when I was out with my friend. How I'd been silly, and yelled "I love you!" at the band that was playing. And I thought about how I'd been completely uninhibited on my last date. The tide was turning, and it would not be reversed on this night.

I walked down to the dance floor, and started dancing - small movements, but dancing nonetheless. I had decided - F it. Yep - F it! No more holding back. I didn't have anything to lose.

As I made my way up the dance floor, I had an idea. I decided that, for the time being, I didn't want to stand out in any way, so I would imitate what other people were doing. When I noticed a group of people jumping up and down and throwing their hands in the air, I jumped up and down and threw my hands in the air. When I heard people yelling, I yelled. When I noticed a particular dance move that I liked, I simply started doing it. If I didn't want to stand out, I wouldn't, because I would intentionally act like everyone else. Goodbye and good riddance, self-consciousness.

Within minutes, a wondrous thing started to happen. I had stopped imitating, and was merely following my own impulses for what to do. I was doing my own dance moves. I was jumping in the air because I felt like it, not because anyone else was. I was raising my hands above my head and clapping to the beat, without seeing anyone else do it.

I looked to the side, and saw a guy nodding. I was starting to lead some of the dance floor excitement.

Inhibition was no longer an issue. I was having a ton of fun, but after a while, I decided that I wanted more. I was in the most social of places, and I wanted to interact directly with another person. I was also in the most sexual of places - where a few men and women make out, while many others eye each other shamelessly - so I particularly wanted to interact with a woman.

This was my second time at a nightclub. I recapped the first time, when I went with my one pre-mission friend, in my 3/22/2008 Lab Notes entry. In that post, I made this comment:

....I made a little goal of dancing with an attractive girl, but I didn't really manage to do it. I observed though, and learned that a guy can just slowly put his arms around a girl in that setting and she'll probably dance with him. It would be pretty amazing for me, "king of the shys" to do that, but it'll make for an interesting blog entry if I manage to pull it off the next time.

And so, I knew what I had to do. I put my dancing on auto-pilot, and started looking around the room. It was time to stay present and put that observation skill to work: I needed to find a girl who was alone. It seemed as if none of the ladies in the establishment were alone, so I at least needed to find a woman who wasn't with a guy.

My mind was set. I swore to myself that I was going to do this. I didn't care how the woman would respond - I knew it would be an extraordinary thing for me to even try. She could slap me, and that would be wonderful. What was the worst that could possibly happen? Everyone who entered the club had been frisked for weapons, so I was confident I wouldn't be shot.

I walked around the dance floor, thinking to myself - "Who wants to play with me?"

Eventually, I spotted someone. A young woman in a green dress, somewhere in the 18-25 range, like almost everyone at this club. I thought she probably had been drinking, because she was dancing especially vibrantly. I had initially been targeting a more average-looking woman, thinking that it would be easier, but this girl was not average. She'd been wearing a lot of makeup, but like me, her face was dripping with sweat from dancing and jumping up and down on a dance floor packed with hundreds of people. Something about her sweat-smeared makeup was downright sexy. I became anxious as I realized how attractive she was, but no mere feeling was going to stop me.

I casually danced my way to a spot near her. I then danced behind her for a minute or so. I had managed to stay present and observe my surroundings to find a woman dancing alone. The only task remaining was to let go and follow my impulses.

This was it.

I put my right hand on her waist. She kept dancing, and might have taken a glance backwards at me. I kept my hand on her waist as we both continued to dance, but I felt as if she wasn't reciprocating. She in no way resisted, but she also didn't move her body back into mine, so I was unsure what the reaction meant.

I took my hand away.

Then, the guy dancing vibrantly next to her got my attention. The bass in the music was so loud that I could at times feel my insides vibrating, so exchanging words was not his method of communication. He made some gestures - pointing at himself, and pointing at the girl whose waist I'd just hand my hand on. I understood immediately that she was with him.

Whoa! It was the worst case scenario.

And it wasn't bad at all.

I mouthed a word or so, and made some hand gestures to apologize. It was all very natural. He nodded, and without using any sound, conveyed the phrase "No problem!"

I went back to dancing alone, more vibrantly than before. A big smile overtook my face, as I couldn't contain my joy at having done what seemed impossible only hours before.

And then, it dawned on me: I was building courage. Couragousness is the opposite of fearfulness, and deep down, it's fear that causes us to be inhibited. Just like Steve Pavlina suggested in the podcast I asked everyone to listen to, couragousness is a mental muscle that gets stronger the more we exercise it. I had tried interacting with women like this countless times before, but I couldn't do it because I hadn't built up my couragousness muscle enough. Before all of the mental exercise I did during the last year of the mission, the muscle was simply too weak, causing me to be too inhibited.

By now, I was feeling great, and I wanted more. I found another young lady, this one probably mid-20's to early 30's. I had spotted her early dancing with female friends, but now she was dancing alone. I repeated my newly created routine - casually danced my way to a spot near her, danced behind her for a minute or so, and put my right hand around her waist.

She didn't seem to glance back to look at me, but I got the feeling she knew who I was. She kept dancing, and I moved with her. After less than a minute, I put my left hand on her waist as well, so I was kind of guiding her with two hands. It was very arousing, and I realized I'd never touched a woman like this before.

The song had been dying down into some sort of techno sound that you can't really dance to. When it came to a halt, I took both hands off of her. Without looking back, she walked forward a bit to another spot on the floor before the beats in the music got going again. I got the feeling she was just being shy, but I didn't care to analyze. Wow! I had done it again! I saw her off the floor about an hour later, and she smiled. I was probably the only guy to make the bold, assertive move of putting my hands around her that night - or maybe ever - but again, I didn't care to analyze.

By now, it was apparent that I wasn't some unnoticed person blending into the crowd. Instead, people were initiating little interactions with me. When I accidentally stepped on one guy's feet while jumping up and down, I mouthed an apology, and he gestured a "No problem!" and gave me a friendly pat on the shoulder. When I used a napkin to wipe sweat from my brow, a passerby made a joke about dealing with the sweat. Another guy said something to me I couldn't completely make out, and I nodded at him and winked. Yet another time, an attractive girl took my shoulder so I could lead her down the stairs, then smiled and thanked me. These were all nice people, and boy, did I like them.

It was tough to find women dancing alone, but I was still overjoyed that inhibition had become a non-factor. I decided to try things out one more time in the hip-hop room, which had a quite different demographic of people.

I was feeling pretty loose. I was becoming a confident, uninhibited guy again, and I was going to dance and do whatever I pleased. I realized that everyone else in the building was either A) doing the same thing, or B) more inhibited than me. Finally, the cool crowd of clubbers had been demystified: they had nothing on me. Any woman there would have been lucky for me to dance with her, or even get her telephone number so I could arrange a date. I was the man.

Earlier that night, I had noticed a pretty wallflower checking me out as I walked through the hip-hop room. I hadn't broken eye contact, but it was before my breakthrough, so I had been too inhibited to say anything to her. When I re-entered the room to find one last dance partner (it was almost closing time at 3:00AM), I saw her again.

With the inhibition gone, I was finally going to speak to someone.

I said "Are you dancing?" It was pretty loud, so she asked me to repeat the question. Then she said no, and I just moved on. I was so confident that I really wasn't interested in bothering with some inhibited woman who I'd have to implore to dance with me. I wanted someone fun like me.

Beautiful irony.

I found two girls dancing with each other, and started my routine. As I danced near them, though, another guy came up and tried to dance with one of the girls. She made a gesture to decline. Feeling loose, I told the guy "Nice try." He nodded.

I moved on to a group nearby. As I stood behind and put my hand on one girl's waist, her friend standing opposite of her smiled. Hey - an awesome guy (that would be yours truly) was interested in her, so it was her lucky night! After I'd put both hands around her and moved with her a little more vibrantly, though, she turned around and made a gesture to decline. I didn't bother analyzing why, because I didn't (and still don't) care.

I spotted one last girl, who was dancing alone. I started dancing with her, but this time, she was facing me. That was actually a nice change: I got to see her face light up with a smile. After about a minute, a guy came over and cut in before I'd gotten around to touching her. It looked like he was with her, but I knew it didn't matter. He wasn't intimidating in the slightest, and I started to feel more aware of the fact that I'm a 6'1, athletic, good-looking guy. Confidence was brewing.

All in all, it was one of the best nights of my life. I put all the skills I've been developing into action in order to overcome inhibition when doing so was almost unimaginable.

The events of the night helped me put together much of my experience and research on defeating shyness. One day soon, I'll be able to provide this in some coherent form for the millions of other shy people who need to launch their own missions.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep finding exercises to that will build my courage, lessening my inhibition. With the discovery of the club scene, I now have access to hundreds of people my age, and countless opportunities to interact. It's actually so much fun that I'm not anxious or down about a lull with the dating, or about what's-her-name that I went out with last time. With inhibition truly on the ropes, the possibilities are endless.

Now that is something to look forward to.

Triumph

Tuesday night was the last session of my acting class. It had been going pretty well. Before class started, the instructor complimented me on my performance the previous week. He said that he had seen another side of me, and that I had gotten active. I was encouraged, but was still unsure of how the rest of the night would go, because I hadn't spent much time preparing my final act, and because I was feeling a little anxious and down about the subject of the last post.

We played a warm-up game that tested our concentration skills. Basically, we all stood in a circle, with one person in the middle. The person in the middle points at someone and gives a cue, and 3 of the people in the circle have to respond to the cue in a certain way (something silly, like putting elephant ears on the person next to you). At first, I was terrible, and messed up every time. Then, I decided to put aside my mental distractions and stay present.

After focusing on staying present for a minute or two, I was great. I couldn't make a mistake! I was having a good time, laughing openly, and enjoying the game, and everyone tried to get me out, but I was flawless.

We did some other exercises throughout the night, but the big thing would be our 2-minute performances.

The assignment was to think up a back-story for a character in some heightened emotional situation. Each of us was to become our character for two minutes, using some imaginary objects in front of the class in such a way that our emotional state would be apparent, and so that the audience (our classmates and the teacher) could interpret the situation.

Throughout the rest of the six-week class, we had done most of the other exercises concurrently with our classmates - in other words, I never had to perform alone "on stage" in front of anyone. I was a little anxious about the prospect, but not as much as I would have been in my old, pre-mission days. It also helped to have gotten pretty comfortable with the small group of people over the last month and a half.

Only four of us had come prepared with the assignment. I fessed up to being ready, and was going to go through with it - I don't believe in avoiding these things anymore.

Still, though, I didn't volunteer to go first. I spent some of the time thinking about what I would do - preparing, more so than worrying - but it turned out I would be staying active until my performance anyway.

After each act, each other member of the class was to walk into the scene, and start interacting as an improvised character based on his or her interpretation of the act. The person who started the scene would then have to adapt to going along with the interpretation, no matter what it was. This is the basis of improv acting, and it's a heck of a lot of fun.

And so, this is where the night started to go well for me. First, my classmate acted out typing something on a computer, and doing office stuff like that. I came up with an interpretation of her looking for a file at work, and without thinking about it long, I walked into the scene.

I shouted in an angry voice.

If you don't find that file in five minutes, you're fired!!

She apologized. I was becoming an angry boss character, so I didn't react kindly.

I pointed, and shouted, You knew we needed it!

When I sat back down, one of my classmates complimented me. "You play a prick well."

Seeing what I was able to do by simply staying present and letting go, I felt encouraged. I played along a little longer in my other classmates' scenes, warming up for my own time on the stage - that would be the most interesting part of the night.

I didn't volunteer, so I was the last to go.

I took the stage in front of the instructor and my peers. My idea had been to be a man going into his home to pack things up. My character was a sad one - he had lost his wife, and so he was preparing to move to a new home. While packing his suitcase, he would periodically gaze over at a picture of his wife on the mantle. Walking between the closet and his suitcase, he would stop, pick up the photo frame, and feel loss. Deep sadness.

I acted out the scene I just described - only, all of the objects were imaginary. Were my feelings imaginary, too? I wasn't sure. I didn't think directly about any of my own, current heart-wrenching feelings of failed love, but I may have subconsciously tapped into them while I allowed myself to feel the feelings of my character.

I didn't pay much attention to the audience, but at one point, I caught a glimpse of my instructor's face. He looked deeply attentive and sorrowful. I knew instantly that like last week, my performance was affecting him, and so I had succeeded in giving an outward appearance that matched my character's mental state.

The real me was actually feeling a little anxious. As my character picked up the photograph of his lost wife, my hand started trembling as it held the imaginary object. Instead of letting it bother me, I stayed present and focused on my character. It was the last day of class, and there would be no holding back.

I channeled my nervousness into the scene. As my character, I allowed myself to mourn deeply as I looked at the photograph. My character's mental state made me look sad, and my sad expression made me, as my character, feel even sadder. I had created a cycle for the purpose of my performance.

Within moments, my character became overwhelmed with his sadness. I let out a deeply anguished cry as I looked at the picture. I then let out another cry, and fell to my knees, clutching the photograph. Finally, I fell all the way to the floor, clutching the photo as I closed my eyes and cried a few moments more to end the scene.

It was now the class's turn to interpret the scene and interact with me. First, my instructor - deeply moved himself - decided to play with me. He opened by asking me to take the imaginary object that made me so sad, and to pack it with my things. He talked about missing her, and it was obvious that he was my son. The two of us continued as deeply hurt characters.

"Take - Take it."
"I can't. It's too painful."
"Don't you miss her?"
"If I take it, I'll be reminded of her every time I see it. (Voice shaking, and almost in tears) Don't you feel the same pain?"

Stuff like that.

I went back to laying on the floor for the next improvised scene. The next player had a totally different interpretation. He was a police officer, and I was a drunk in public. He told me I had to get up and move.

It's amazing how inhibition disappears, and how clearly and easily you can think when you simply let go as we practiced for six weeks in this class.

Immediately, I understood his interpretation. My character acted like a bum, and jousted with him verbally.

"Get up and get out of here."
(In a sluggish voice) "Hey man, leave me alone."
"Get up, or I'm going to make you get up."
(Turning over to look at the officer) "You know what happened the last time somebody tried to make me get up?"
"What?"

I stood up, and got aggressive. He then pointed an imaginary gun at me, and I backed off.

"Hey, hey! I don't want any trouble....."

Stuff like that. The next classmate interpreted me as packing to go off to a war. She was an older lady, and she said something that made it obvious she was my mother. We had an intense, passionate argument. She was trying to forbid me from going off to fight in a war, and I was shouting about how I love my country more than I love myself, and how Granddad died for this country, and how someone has to go off and fight if we're going to be safe.

That scene was much longer. It's a shame you guys couldn't see me: it was amazing! Without needing any time to think, I was switching between totally different characters in one scene after another. I was totally uninhibited, and I was becoming some interesting characters - all on the fly.

All together, I acted out 9 short scenes, which kept me on the stage for about 20 minutes. I was so present and in the moment that even just afterwards, it wasn't easy to remember all that I had done, since I was switching into new characters without time to reflect on what I was doing.

In the last scene, I was packing my luggage when one of my classmates came on stage. She asked, "What are you doing, George? That's my dress!" As I learned in the class, I followed my impulse, and played along without any further thought. I changed the inflection of my voice - this character was going to be downright silly.

"Girl, what are you talking about? This is my dress!"
"Come on George, give me the dress."

She really wanted the (imaginary) dress. She tried to take it from me, and I jumped away from her. She started chasing me around, and I tripped backwards - intentionally.

"Girl, you made me trip over my luggage!"

I'd had the impulse to fall over the imaginary luggage in the room, knowing it would make the audience laugh.

Now that she had the dress, I changed course, and started talking about how I thought she was okay with me cross-dressing because she caught me that time after we first got together. She said she didn't want me dressing like that anymore. My newly-created character tried to justify it: "Even famous guys cross-dress! (eyebrows raised, making a gesture showing the height of someone tall) Dennis Rodman?"

I was a total clown! With the goofiest grin and tone of voice you can imagine, I begged with my hands together like a child. "Please!!! (In a slow, shy voice) Can I just wear the panties?" Finally, she said that would be okay. I gave her a great big hug, and said "I love you girl!"

My performance was over. From the moving sadness to the lighthearted humor, I had stolen the show that night. Everyone clapped - they were in awe of my performance! I heard the word "wow." One of my classmates tried to describe how I was "on it." In other words: I was totally in the zone. Totally uninhibited, totally present in the moment. It was a great way to end the night.

My first acting class was an amazing experience; exactly what I'd hoped for: a non-dating activity where I would get consistent social experience. And still, it was so much more than that! It taught me to let go of self-consciousness and be in the moment. It helped me further my quest to defeat inhibition, which is quickly starting to look like a thing of the past. It introduced me to a new hobby, where I literally play with other people, and will likely make many friends. And above all, it was a whole heck of a lot of fun.

Bittersweet

On Monday, I finally called the last girl I went out with – the first person I was ever able to truly be myself with on a date. Yep. An amazing experience, but one that I had mixed feelings about. Despite what seemed like an incredibly great date, red flags abounded me.

Without excusing herself, she had used her cell phone to have a short text message conversation while we were in the car. This is something I would never, ever even think about doing while on a second date. At one point, I was asking her a question, and she ignored it until she finished typing something on her cell phone. At best, these antics were rude. At worst, they were downright disrespectful. Then, while we ate dinner, she left her cell phone on the table the entire time, and flipped it open to check for messages periodically. At other times, it felt as if she were paying more attention to the environment than to me. And finally, when I tried to kiss her goodnight, she turned her face to avoid my lips.

Of course, here I’m focusing on the negative aspects of the date, while in the last post I put them into context with the rest of the evening. Still, though, enumerating the red flags helps me keep things in perspective.

And so, back to Monday’s phone call. I had waited nine days to call her, not wanting to get into the act of chasing someone who hadn’t shown clear interest in me. The first three or four days were absolute torture. I simply couldn’t handle the uncertainty, of which there was plenty. After constantly feeling anxious and incessantly ruminating over things those first few days, I actually started feeling less interested as I recalled some of her rude behavior. Nevertheless, I liked her, and I was by all means going to give this a chance.

In order to avoid building up any more anxiety, I dialed her number without planning exactly what to say. She answered, but I was still a little uncomfortable, and my voice was off. I made small talk for a couple minutes, and then said, “Well anyway, I was calling to see if you wanted to get together one day in the next week or so.” She said something about having to check to see what day she was on call at work, and said she’d call me back.

More uncertainty. More anxiety. More rumination. I really have to work on those things.

By the next night, I felt instinctively as if I would never hear from her again. At first, I had a hard time dealing. The thing that bothered me the most was wondering if I’d blown it by coming across nervous on that last phone call. After all – she had answered, when she could have ignored the call. If the 2 minute, 59 second call-after had gone as well as the date, I would have felt better. It doesn’t bother me much to think that someone isn’t interested in the real me: the real pain comes from thinking that if I could only be myself, things would work out. I also felt as if I would never meet anyone quite like her again, and that hurt, too.

Soon, though, I began to see some of the perspective that I’m trying to write out in this post. How interested could she have been in the first place if she behaved rudely halfway into our date? I have no idea how she could have lost interest so quickly – it’s a head-scratcher – but the question is unanswerable, so I have to let it go. And did I really want to be with someone who could be so inconsiderate? Unfortunately, in this case the answer is yes, but I know that it shouldn’t be.

I also realized that nothing about the phone call could have been that big of a deal. This girl had gotten to see the real me, and I’d left her with no doubt about how I felt about her, since I tried (twice) to kiss her. If I seemed nervous on the phone, she should obviously have attributed it to the way she acted on our date. If she wasn’t interested after the phone call, then she surely wasn't after the date, either.

My Internet connection is down right now, so I’m typing this in a local file on my computer. I needed to clear my head, so I was determined to write something tonight. The amazing thing is that I’ve already written 758 words here, and they’re all about this one girl! That may be a record, but so be it – it captures a prominent part of the experience that is my mission.

And so, it’s all a little sad. I’ve had my heart broken so many times that……

Well, it won’t be broken for too long. I’ve recovered from everything else, and this won’t be any different. Despite knowing that, I can't help but feel down from time to time. It's only natural. There probably isn't a normal human being on the planet who could suffer rejection by over 20 love interests in less than a year without feeling a little sad.

As far as dating goes, I've experienced going out with so many women on the mission that if I were to meet the right person now, I probably would be able to tell. The right person is certainly going to be someone who’s crazy about me – not someone who’s more interested in her cell phone.

Look how far we’ve come. Just think - I’m entertaining the possibility of experiencing an actual relationship in the near future. Now that I have defeated inhibition – or at least, have it on the ropes – the possibilities are endless.

Truly bittersweet.

The Death of Inhibition

Well, Year 2 officially got underway today. It was my fifth second-date, and the first one since March 18.

I picked up my date (the doctor I've mentioned before) to take her on a guided Segway scooter tour of her home town. Only moments after she got in the car, I got the feeling that she was a lot different than on our first date. She'd been very shy on that first date. She'd seemed very reserved, even whispering at times during our conversation. She didn't seem very confident that day at Starbucks, saying that the experience was nerve-wracking, and asking questions like "Do I look like my [eHarmony profile] picture?" But today, all of that was gone. She was relaxed and talkative, and whoa....she looked even better than I'd remembered.

I didn't have a lot of time to review conversation topics or strategies going into the date. I'd decided to just try to stay present, and let everything else come naturally from that. After driving with her for a few minutes towards the city, invasive thoughts had already crept into my mind. I thought how awesome this girl was, and how I'd want to keep seeing her. Helpless, I soon had some negative thoughts. They were doubts about her being interested in me, triggered by a story she was telling me about a night out with her friends - the type of activity I have very little experience with (so far!). I realized that I was in dangerous territory (confidence is important), and told myself to stay present. It was a demand I'd have to place on myself several more times during the evening.

Her story had been a long one, and I didn't have much to say about it afterwards. There was a little bit of silence, but I acted as if I were trying to follow my navigation system (actually, I really was), and it didn't seem very bad. After that, I threw some potential conversation starters back out, based on the conversation topics I'd had in mind. Most of them didn't go anywhere - short answers, and on to something else.

As I parked, I started out agreeing with something she said, but then she didn't agree with my response. The odd little exchange made me feel a little more self-conscious and awkward. I was determined to smooth it out a little, and I did - but I doubt that should have been necessary. So far, I wasn't feeling or being completely myself.

We walked into the Segway place. Luckily, we were the only ones scheduled for the tour - perfect! The tour guide was very personable, and I tried joking around a bit with both him and my date. The guide guy was actually pretty funny, so I worried a little about being compared to him.

The Segway tour was a very, very cool date idea. The three of us traveled single-file down the sidewalks and streets, so there wasn't much opportunity for me to interact with my date. Instead, I had lots of time to think. I figured I would regroup like I did on our first date. I don't remember coming up with a specific plan, but it turned out that I wouldn't need one....

I took a few opportunities to make some humorous comments. I was traveling behind my date (checking out her butt the whole time - I hadn't had a chance at all at Starbucks), so I couldn't really tell how she was reacting, if she reacted at all. During the hour tour, almost everyone we passed (which was a lot of people) was looking at us. We passed a bachelor party, and some drunk guys kept wanting to high-five me. I jokingly called up to my date, asking her if she knew the guys, and if they were her "crew." We passed a wedding, and the bride and groom asked if they could borrow our Segways for a minute to take some pictures. Heck no, but I told them congrats. After the tour guide increased our scooter speeds, I asked if it was fast enough for some of her aggressive driving that we'd talked about earlier. She laughed.

We went back to the car. The whole thing had seemed pretty easy - I had been worried about having to drive and park in a crowded city in front of a date, but I'd apparently already erased any hint of driving anxiety. I asked if she wanted to get something to eat, and she said sure. BUT!

But she used her cell phone. She received and sent text messages on it, just like the last time I was on a second-date. Yes, the date from hell that broke me down. I didn't know what to do. Maybe she didn't intend to be rude, and just didn't know any better. Maybe she was rude, but liked me, which was all I really cared about. I thought about calling her out on it, but it seemed very very very risky, and I couldn't see myself doing it. Unlike the date-from-hell girl, she seemed to be having a good time, so I decided to continue the date without introducing the inevitable awkwardness that would result from suggesting I was offended.

We arrived at a parking garage, and then, lo and behold: Things started to happen.

We'd passed a lady with a big stomach, and she said said that she hoped the lady was pregnant. Yep...she was very comfortable with me. I bantered, saying that she was "joaning," which is a slang term I haven't really heard since high school.

As I looked for a parking space, I observed that there were a lot of people out tonight. I then had an inclination to make a joke. I said, "They must have found out I was coming, and wanted to catch a glimpse." Then, she asked if I thought I would be sore tomorrow from riding the Segway. I might have thought about it earlier, because somehow, I knew what I wanted to say. I interjected. "Sore! I'm an athlete! I'm not gonna be sore from standing up for an hour!" Something like that. It gave me a chance to talk about myself a little, as she followed up asking what sports I play.

She asked where I wanted to eat, and I had something in mind that I'd thought of days ago. When I told her I had something in mind, she asked what it was. I told her to just wait, and that she'd find out soon enough. I noticed that there was playful inflection in my voice. When I'm in "stiff mode," I sound a little monotonous, and very unconfident - the word "tentative" describes it best. This was different - the way I am when I'm at my best, and when I'm myself.

We were at Restaurant Row, which is filled with bars and expensive restaurants, but also a McDonalds. I walked up to the McDonalds door, and held it open for her. She went in, and I thought it was pretty funny. The doctor and the engineer were not going to eat at McDonalds - I told her I was just messing with her, and I think we both thought it was pretty funny.

We sat down outside at one of the (nicer) restaurants. When I came back from the bathroom, she asked something about the music. I joked with her about dancing to it (she doesn't understand how to dance to rock music), and, without much or any thought, I found myself bobbing to it as we talked.

By now, things were a lot different than when we'd started. I talked, I joked, I teased. Then I talked, joked, and teased some more! I even managed to tell a couple of short stories, without difficulty. I was exactly the way I am with the first friend I made during the mission. I was talking so much that I incidentally interrupted her a few times and things like that, but I decided not to worry about it. After all, being uninhibited is a feat I've struggled to accomplish virtually my entire life.

There was no stopping me. It was as if a pipe carrying my true personality had burst. It was flying out in every direction.

When she asked why I've never even tried alcohol, I said "Just for the hell of it." It was the first time I've cursed in any fashion with a date, or really, with anyone off-line with one tiny exception. Then (get this!!) I told her I didn't need alcohol to be uninhibited. I pointed to myself playfully, and said "Look how am I now! There's no telling how I'd be if I drank." She agreed and said yeah, I didn't need to drink. Wow. I'd gone from being the poster boy for shyness, to a zany, uninhibited guy. At that moment, I knew inhibition was dead.

She insisted on paying, and had even told me she would pay when we first sat down. I offered to pay several times, until she took the bill out of my hands. I've been at this stuff so long that I've now experienced many of the situations that can arise on a date. I knew from experience not to push it any further, so I didn't. It was no big deal - I'd paid $95 for the Segway tour, and the meal couldn't have been more than 30 bucks or so. And, of course, she wasn't like one of my other dates who worked for a non-profit organization, or something like that. She was a doctor. Since I'd now completely busted out of my shell, I made the joke that came to mind. "Do you think you're a sugar mama?" We'd bantered about our less-than-2-year age difference several times during the day, so I thought it was pretty funny.

A live band had been playing while we ate, making it difficult to hear each other. As we left, one of the guitarists joked, "Was it something I said?" Without having to think much, I said, "It's not you - it's me." I didn't see a reaction from my date, but I heard laughter! I'd made people in an audience laugh. I was amazed at myself.

Glorious as the second half of the date had been, I had still been experiencing a little internal turmoil. I'd had to stem negative thoughts along with surges of anxiety, which have actually been a rare thing on these dates. By this time, all of the negative thoughts had one theme. Would this girl like me for the real, uninhibited, zany me? We'd both been much more inhibited on our first date, so it was actually a good question. Good question or not though, I kept bringing myself back to the present moment instead of ruminating.

As I drove her back to her home, almost needless to say, I was thinking about how the night would end. I was thinking about kissing her. I kept having to stem the surges of anxiety that accompanied the thought of possible rejection. I almost wanted to pray that this would work out.

I noticed that the air conditioning was drying out my chapstick application, so I licked my lips during the conversation, trying to get them ready. All the while though, I kept bringing myself back to the present moment. At one point, I don't know if it was the distractions or the "presentness," but I was a little disoriented. I couldn't remember what part of the state I was in, and I had to think to figure out what day it was. Wow.

Finally, I pulled up to her townhouse complex. All of the parking spaces were full in front of her house, so I parked on the opposite side. It obviously didn't make sense for me to just let her out that far away, so she said, "Are you coming in?"

Still completely uninhibited, I knew exactly what to say. When the tour guide from earlier asked who wanted to try the Segway first, I made a hand motion for her to go ahead. Andy, the Segway guy, had then started talking about how other guys hadn't done the same, and how chivalry was dead.

I said, "I'm going to walk you to your door, since Andy was saying that chivalry's dead."

She remarked that I had a good memory because I remembered the name, and I walked her to her door.

Did I want to go inside? Not at all. Not in the slightest bit. But without stopping, she just said "You can come in for a minute... I'll show you my Sex & the City DVD collection."

So I said alright, in a somewhat enthusiastic voice. I made a little bit of conversation, and she showed me the DVD's on the shelf. I said something pointless about them, and she responded with something that didn't really make sense. She also accidentally knocked a bunch of the DVD's off the shelf. I felt like we were both stumbling around a bit. But why?

She had a photo frame on the wall, and it still had the example pictures in it. We bantered a bit about that, with me joking about it being her real family (even though all the people were a different color than she). Then, I said, "I'm gonna head out."

This was it. We'd been together 4 1/2 hours, and I was going for the kiss.

We hugged. She must have either initiated it, or gone for it when I touched her, because hugging her was not in my plans.

Right after the hug, I moved my lips toward hers for a kiss.

She turned her cheek slightly.

That would not be the end of it. It was the third-date when I'd kissed the first two girls, but I knew a second-date should be just fine for that. Especially a long, elaborate date like this had been. I'd effortlessly made her laugh the entire evening, and I had just impressively recalled something she told me on our first date, and had turned it into a joke that also made her laugh.

She had just turned her cheek, but I was going to push the issue. I had transformed into a confident, uninhibited guy, and there was no way I was going to kiss a cheek! [Of course, most of you guys will think this was another one of my blunders, and you might be right! If so, I'll live with this one too, because I didn't have time for analysis, and what's done is done!]

I adjusted my position, and went for her lips again. I'm not sure - all of this actually took place within a couple of short moments - but I think she turned slightly again. If so, it was so slight that I was willing to settle for it. She seemed to initiate the rest of the required motion, intentionally kissing me at such an angle that our lips touched on the side - just barely. It was off-center, very short, and non-magical, but I'd kissed her. It felt good. I know the difference between a cheek and a woman's lips - a cheek does not feel good - so we had definitely kissed.

Without a word, I went to open the door, but she had deadbolted it. I said "Wow, you locked it just for this?" She said it was force of habit, and when I finally got out, I said "see ya" and she said the same. I think she should have unlocked and opened the door for me to begin with, so I get the feeling she was a little lost in the previous proceedings. But why?

I don't know what to think. That could have been a positive exchange, if it's the case that she tries not to kiss on [what some people would consider] a first date, but was willing to bend her rule when I pushed the issue. Or maybe she turned her cheek because she wasn't interested. But then, why would she have invited me into the house at all? I didn't even want to go in! Or maybe it was some other inexplicable reason. The one other time I went for a kiss on a second-date, the girl quickly turned her cheek and grabbed me in a hug so there would be no chance of our lips touching. And then, she sent me an e-mail the very next day! So who knows.

What about my interest in her? I find her very attractive, and I generally like her. But somehow, I'm not feeling head-over-heels in love this time. Not even close. She had left her cell phone on the table during dinner, and checked it several times. She also looked around and observed, giving the impression that she was at times not focused on me. Maybe those were the turn-offs. Or maybe...just maybe....maybe I'm experiencing what it's like to be a confident, uninhibited guy whose heart doesn't melt every time he meets a girl he likes.

I'm not sure what metaphor to use to describe it - flipping a switch, or building on something - but I had become a different person with her. If we don't see each other again, it will have ended because she didn't like the real me. And that, my friends, would truly be bittersweet.

365 Days

Today marks one year since the first entry was made in this blog. It's remarkable how much my life has changed since that day. I could have easily given up, turning this into a dead web site that people stumbled upon on Google, only to assume that the author gave up because there'd been no updates. I'd never let that happen, though. My goal is to live up to the title of this blog, providing enduring spirit to everyone who wants to erase shyness from his or her life.

When I started, I'd planned to celebrate this day with pomp and parade, having accomplished my mission within one year. The fact of the matter is that I'm not done yet. It's going to take as long as it takes, but I will definitely get there.

There's no need for me to recapitulate the events of the last 365 days. In fact, I don't have to look far at all to find evidence of incredible growth and progress. I have new messages from four people I couldn't have even imagined this time a year ago. Two great friends, and two great women who I'm dating. I'm very fond of all of them, in different ways, and yet somehow, they seem to like me even more.

It's amazing to see how people respond when you're able to simply be yourself.

Steven was right...

UPDATED 7/8/08

Wow. This thing has been an amazing experience.

I decided that I wouldn't let go and give up when it looked like I was being ignored after what I thought was the best date ever. I was very close to just deleting her number and e-mails, but I decided that it just didn't make sense. She had to like me, so there had to be something else going on. I liked her so much that I couldn't get her off of my mind. When the loud buzzer of my alarm sounded this morning, I was shaken from a dream about her. I'd spent the night at times only half-asleep, with the line between thinking and dreaming blurred beyond distinction - it was all about her.

Earlier yesterday, I had decided to give up on the phone. I went back to the eHarmony message system, where I figured that no matter what was going on, she would be free to express it to me.

In the profile section called "One thing I wish other people would notice about me," she said she was very sensitive. Along with everything else, then, I'd certainly imagined the possibility that she was hurt after thinking I wasn't interested, since I hadn't told her how great of a time I'd had with her, or anything of the sort. Just now, I found out that that was indeed what had happened:

Ahh, what's up Alice? Long time no chat.... not disappearing for a month again, are you? :)

Hi J,

I have to be honest. The way you got up abruptly and said that you needed to go home, gave me the impression that I had done something to turn you off. I assumed that you did not want to see me again.

Before you scold me too harshly, keep in mind that she is sensitive. Apparently very, very sensitive. The fact of the matter is that I didn't really get up all that abruptly - it had been about an hour, and I said "Well I guess I'd better head back." It was a workday evening, and I'd driven over the border to the next state to come meet her in her own city. She said "okay" or something like that before I stood up. To me, it didn't seem bad at all, but remember - she's very sensitive.

And so, Steven's comment was right. And it makes me wonder how many other second-date opportunities might have been blown for the same reason... yikes. I'll make sure to avoid repeating anything like this going forward. In the meantime, I will think about how I can possibly get this girl to feel better and hang out with me again - I'll have to choose my words carefully, because she's very, very special.

The silver lining to this cloud, of course, is that this problem is completely contrary to any issues of shyness. Look how far we've come!

EDIT: UPDATE

The conversation continued:

Wow, Alice, I can't even tell you how sorry I am! I didn't realize I got up abruptly at all. I said I'd better head home, and I thought you said okay first. I was having a busy week with little sleep, but meeting you was definitely the highlight! I had so much fun chatting with you that I didn't think you'd have any doubt about it. I told people how amazed I was with this site for hooking us up because you don't meet people like that often. Regardless though, you got the wrong impression and that's totally my fault. In fact doubly so, because you even mentioned being sensitive on your profile and I should have been mindful of that. I know how you must have felt, which is the last thing I would have wanted, so I'm really sorry. I'd love to hang out again, so I hope you'll forgive me.

Apology accepted. I had just finished a sentence and you didn't mention being tired you just said it was time for you to head home. I said okay, but it's not like I could have stopped you! LOL. Then when we were leaving you didn't even mention hanging out again or calling me. I guess I was looking for that little hint. I'm glad you had a good time. I also enjoyed talking to you because you showed interest in things that I didn't expect you to. You have my phone number so it's okay to call me.

A Struggle for Peace

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been posting a lot lately. Usually, I have a date or something to talk about, but sometimes - like in the last post - I just use the blog to vent.

I vent because my endeavor is at many times a frustrating one. And I vent because I can't help but feel impatient from time to time.

Driving in my car this afternoon, I was thinking about a comment someone made on yahoo! Answers a couple months ago in response to my question "25 Dates, still no girlfriend. Any ideas?"

He (or she) said that I struggle too much, and that I should "let it come naturally."

Well, I never gave that remark much credence. Until I was almost 24 years old, I did very little to change things - let alone anything on the scale of my exploits here - and nothing came naturally. There is no reason to think that anything would have changed if I had gone about business as usual for the past year.

That said, one part of the remark was indeed true. I do struggle. I struggle to achieve peace, which I will not permanently feel until I have completely turned my life around, and can enjoy all of the things that come so naturally for most people.

I didn't mean to give the wrong impression with the last couple of posts. Things are actually going very well. It doesn't look like I'll hear back from the person I met on Date #33, but that's fine. It's surprising, because everything seemed perfect that time. But it's fine.

While my disappointment bled into the "Numbers" anniversary post, I haven't lost perspective. Date #33 actually marked the fifth date in a row that seemed to have a positive outcome. I was able to completely be myself, and it was incredible. That fact trumps everything else.

In general, even when things don't go very smoothly now, it's a lot different than when I started last summer. I've developed a lot of skills, and I'm really like a very different, much-improved person.

And, as it turns out, I do have something tangible to show for all of my progress. My date from last Sunday returned my call this afternoon, and we talked. It was great! I usually have enormous telephone anxiety, but after I missed her call, I called back without thinking about it much, and (as usual) felt relaxed as soon as the opening greetings were exchanged.

We talked about what we both did over the holiday, and I asked her a couple questions about the new hospital she works in, and about where she was when she couldn't hear our last phone conversation over the loud music. I made her laugh a couple times, and it was all very natural. I could have kept talking for a while, without difficulty, but I just went ahead and asked her what her schedule would be like next week. Then, I said "I figured we'll do something fun next week." Sure, it sounds like a perfectly unremarkable phrase, but I've never actually asked in that manner. It was really reflective of me being relaxed and being myself. We worked through our schedules, and I explained that there are Segway scooter tours in her city. We're set to do that next Sunday. I was enjoying talking to her, and realized why: it's very rare for me to talk to someone I already know on the telephone. That, and I just generally felt comfortable with her. It helps to know that the other person is so interested that they are actually pursuing you.

Lastly, back to the yahoo! Answers response about me struggling. The person who made the remark probably assumed that I try too hard when I'm on one of these dates. The good news is that I really don't have that problem. When I'm with someone - especially someone I've already met - I try to just relax and enjoy the time. That's what I'm going to continue to do next week. And from now on, I'm going to do my best to always stay positive (there's a lot to be positive about), relax, and appreciate the improvements I've made in my life since we started all this.

Numbers

366 days ago today, I finished my master's degree work, and shifted my focus 100% to "the mission." Actually, I hadn't come up with that name yet - it was just an unnamed plan to change my life that I'd been thinking about for a few weeks.

I've made two new friends so far, and that's amazing.

However, I would really like to have some success in the romance department. In 366 days, I've been on 35 dates with 26 different women. That's 26 first-dates, 4 second-dates, 3 third-dates, and 2 fourth-dates. And now, I have nothing tangible to show for any of it.

I can't even estimate the time I've put into those 35 dates. Of course, they're mostly one-hour conversations at Starbucks, but there is a lot that goes on behind the scenes. I have to spend an enormous amount of time keeping conversations going on the two dating sites I've used - only a fraction of those interactions turn into dates.

I would love to have the time to do a few other things with my life, but I first have to see this through. Nothing could be more worthwhile than a successful mission to defeat shyness. And I'm realistic - any successful conclusion is going to have to include some more friends and, yes, a romantic relationship.

366 days is a long time, but we knew it wouldn't be easy.

50 First Dates: Date #35

Date #35......

I hadn't given this one much thought. I actually didn't know until this afternoon that we'd be meeting, and only minutes before my drive to Starbucks, I was making phone calls to the last two women I'd met.
--

She was a sight to see. Amazingly beautiful, and amazing in general. A trained opera singer, her voice was beautiful and soft, and her manner of speaking was as eloquent as she was sophisticated. The way she played with her long, flowing, perfect hair reminded me of the first girl I was enamored with back in September.

I made the usual conversation as we waited for coffee. I had a few easy topics in mind - her opera singing, acting, and the trip to New York City she'd just returned from in time to meet me.

Sadly, my voice was a little off. I was suffering from the wretched voice thing that plagued me so much when I started out. It seems I probably should have been able to override it by projecting my voice confidently like we talked about, but somehow, I never got that going.

Oddly, it seems like the fate of my dates is often tied to the way my voice sounds. Maybe there's something to it - perhaps when I don't hear myself sounding confident, I don't feel confident, either.

Don't get me wrong - it wasn't that bad. Not at all, really; I just wasn't quite myself the way I was just 1 week ago. I did mostly follow my impulses - that helped avoid some silences, but I often didn't feel comfortable with the way some things came out, or, ultimately, the way I ended the date....

I felt some difficulty in coming up with topics of conversation. I was mostly focused on staying present, but at times I thought that I didn't know what to say next, and started to search my brain. Even when I tried to think of the mere 3-item short list, I couldn't seem to do it in the midst of a conversation - probably the way it should be.

Somehow, trying to follow my impulses led me to repeatedly ask questions about opera. I'm uncertain as to if that's a bad thing. On the one hand, music is an enormous part of her life - her job, her hobby, her passion. On the other hand, though, she already knows about herself, so was it interesting for her to keep telling me things about it?

It seemed like I was asking too many questions. I remembered to add information about myself whenever I noticed how something could relate to my own experiences, but it usually was short, and wasn't very smooth. She was so cultured, well-traveled and interesting that I felt woefully dull by comparison. Combined with the voice thing, that's probably what shook my confidence. I didn't have many conscious negative thoughts, but I didn't feel or sound certain in much of anything I said about myself, wavering slightly instead. In addition, there were a lot of intangible things I knew I could do much better.

But again - it wasn't all bad. I made a couple of humorous comments about being invincible and becoming a movie star. There were even flashes when I could hear and feel the real me. And if only by luck, we connected perfectly for a moment. We were talking about people changing their nicknames, and we both said "like P. Diddy" at the exact same time. It was cool.

After we'd been talking a while, something reminded me of the MySpace/facebook conversation topic. I asked her if she had a MySpace page, and when she said no, I echoed her precise reasons for disliking the site - the tackiness, the music that automatically plays, clashing with whatever we had playing on our PC's already....

Finally, we had found something in common. She said "See? We're gellin."

I was glad, but I felt as if I was running low on topics (although I thought of plenty just moments after the date ended). I followed my impule, which said to end it on a high note. So I said, "Well, I guess I'd better let you get some rest."

I then asked when she was leaving for her 3-week trip to Hawaii. She said Saturday morning, and then it hit me. I was ending our first date fairly early, even though we couldn't possibly see each other again for 3 weeks! She went on telling me something about earthquakes in California, but I was distracted by what seemed to be a huge error.

She looked at her watch, and I looked at mine. It'd been precisely one hour. That seems about right for a first meeting, but I'm unsure about having ended it when I did. After all, it was the very first thing I said after she pointed out that we were connecting.

When we walked toward her car, she said something like (for the record), "It was nice meeting you. Have a good time with your family tomorrow." I told her to have a good time in Hawaii, and made sure to say "Talk to you later" so she hopefully wouldn't think I was uninterested.

Was she interested anyway? She seemed to be in no hurry to end the date, even though it was 10:30 at night and she'd just driven from New York. And she had said we were starting to gel! I was a long way from my best, but I realize it's possible she was interested anyway. As much as I've complained in this post, the fact of the matter is that I was a lot better than I was the first time I landed a second date. Even my worst day now is enormously better than my best day back in August. (Man, I wrote some silly stuff back then! Favorite color??). I learned early on that there is always hope.

Since she's going to be gone for 3 weeks, I figure I'll try something different with her. Instead of waiting five or six days to call her and ask her to a second date, I'll send her a text tomorrow saying I had a good time - what people usually do. It may hurt me, or it may save me, or, more likely, it probably doesn't matter - these things confuse me - but that's what I'm going to do.

I feel some pain, though. I want this to end. Dating like a madman is part of what I have to do to make up for years of lost social experience, but there is one aspect I'm tiring of: having so many people come into my life, only to make a nearly immediate exit. I didn't say as much in the blog last Thursday, but I was sure that I connected with the girl I met that day more than I ever have with anyone. I was myself, 100%, and we seemed great together. It was flawless! But I called her the past two days, only to achieve the usual result - no response. No callback.

Instead of jumping to conclusions, I immediately moved on, and called up last Sunday's date. Hey, maybe I just needed to talk to these ladies four days later instead of five. She was at a party, and I told her I couldn't hear a word she was saying, so she said she'd call me back. I think she will - why would she even answer otherwise? - and I need to start expecting only positive results if I'm going to be serious about building my confidence.

As a side note, I should take back what I said last time about forgetting match.com. That's where I met my date from today, and I'm pretty much crazy about her. It's probably a good thing that I've been meeting so many different people. The main thing I discovered is that there are a lot of very interesting, great women, all in their own unique ways. If I were ever to end up with a girl like I met tonight, I don't see how I could ever want to let her go. But for now, I'd just like to go out on a second date with someone....