Today I went on my second second-date ever. This one was important, because it was the first chance for me to test out a theory that I believe is going to be a huge part of the Final Solution. And it worked.
I will go over this concept in much more detail tomorrow in the running Final Solution entry. For now, let me give you a brief overview:
I kept trying to figure out what the difference was between social situations in which I was comfortable, and social situations in which I was anxious or (especially) tense. I couldn't pinpoint a clear difference. It just seemed to be something intangible. Something intangible, causing the Voice Thing, causing me to have difficulty in thinking of things to say, and causing me to not be myself.
So what examples did I have? I started with experiences that I gained since starting the mission. First, there were the dates. I'd been pretty far off in most of those. And then, there was the new female friend that I made. I'd been pretty much myself with her, every time. What was the difference?
It seems obvious. I simply cared less about how anything went in the strictly platonic relationship with the girl who's become my friend. But no, it's not that simple. If it were, then I'd have all sorts of friends - not just 2. But one important factor seems to be that to be myself, I need to not care about how things go. Not just say that I don't care. I need to really not care. That's the tough part. Conversationally Speaking talks about something related in Chapter 12.
It's important, but I will discuss it soon in the Master Plan running entry.
For now, let me recap my latest date, as is tradition.
The most important thing to point out here is that I was testing my theory about not caring. I wasn't very interested in this girl. She'd been largely the pursuer, or else I may not have even gone out with her again. I really didn't care how this went. I kept myself busy with other things prior to our second-date today. Kept myself busy with other things, instead of doing lots of planning of conversation topics. Instead of thinking about what it was going to be like. Instead of worrying that it might not go well. Instead of thinking about it much at all, really.
And so, if my theory were correct, I should have been more comfortable this time. A heck of a lot more comfortable than on date #11, where I thought the girl was amazing. No, it wouldn't be perfect, because there's a lot more to this stuff than just not caring. But it should have gone better.
In my August 20 entry, I wrote this quote from a site on shyness:
The secret to knowing what to say is learning what to feel. According to the experts, if you feel positive, feelings of fear will not interfere with your ability to think of something to say.
At the time, I had tied that information into my own plan to try to lose my sense of self-awareness, instead of actively trying to think of things to say. When I tried it out on date #3, the result as an absolute catastrophe. After that, I completely abandoned that line of thinking, in favor of a new strategy. Now, it made sense again, and I knew a date on which I had no worry (conscious or otherwise) would be a chance to support this little gem of knowledge (I wish I knew what "experts" actually suggested this - if anyone can find this out, it could help us a lot).
So without further ado, this is how the didn't-care second-date went:
I picked her up at her apartment so that we could have lunch together. I had little to no anxiety when I called her, or when she came down. Contrast this to date #11 (a really-care-a-lot date), when for the first time, I was especially anxious just waiting for my date to make her appearance.
I started out with some general questions - what have you been up to? I was able to ask follow-up questions based on her answers. I'm always pretty good at that. But when she asked some questions of her own, I was better this time. I was relaxed, and able to answer without the usual stumbling.
We went for waffle sandwiches. I had a couple new conversation topics in mind - just because they had occurred to me as passing thoughts earlier - but I wasn't focusing on reciting them. Shopping, Black Friday, Music. I had some things to say of my own about most of the things (not the usual case!). I added information, and did so pretty smoothly. I did about 40% of the talking, instead of the usual 20% or less. There were some brief silences, but I didn't feel uncomfortable about them. It was pretty easy to think of new topics. At some point I even said something totally silly without having to force myself to do so. In other words, I was pretty much myself.
The only time I started to feel a little anxiety was when my mind wandered to thoughts of a possible end-of-the-date kiss, and a possible rejection. I only allowed those thoughts for a moment, and the anxiety lessened when I brought my attention back to the current situation.
When we got back to her place, I told her I'd walk her up real quick. I then got a little sloppy. That is to say, I forgot a few things. Not because I was anxious...just because I was a little distracted with the current conversation and thinking of the ending. (If you're wondering, I forgot to open the car door for her, and didn't think to sneak some chapstick during a perfect opportunity).
She took me in the apartment unit (a first!) and gave me a little tour, bedroom included. She asked if I wanted to sit down, and I did. She then kept talking away. Interestingly enough, she was asking the questions the way I usually am. Asking me about things she knew I was interested in (sports). We were sitting on her sofa together, and I was thinking about how to end the date. Hmm. I was going to try to kiss her - on a second date, that goes without saying. But I decided to wait until I stood up, instead of trying it on the sofa (although that would make for a good place for my first makeout!).
She stood up with me, and opened the door. I put my right hand somewhere in the vicinity of her waist, and started the motion to kiss her. This time, it felt pretty natural.
But wait! The kiss never actually happened. In an instant, she turned her head! She turned her cheek toward me, in a somewhat subtle way, and turned it into a hug. I was pretty surprised. There was no indication that she'd lost interest in me...so what was the deal?
I wondered very briefly whether she just thought I was trying to hug her. But no, it was subtle, but obvious - she turned her head away from my lips as they moved towards her.
I thought it was odd. But I didn't care. Nope, no negative feelings this time. No obsessing over it for the next 3 days (I'm still anxious about the date #11 girl, who I plan to call tomorrow night, in spite of the extraordinarily awkward ending. Presumably the anxiety wouldn't have gotten so difficult to deal with if I hadn't obsessed over it and placed so much importance on it to begin with).
So this girl and I are done, unless she initiates contact (and then, maybe still). But the moral of the story is that when I didn't care what happened, I was a lot less anxious (before, during, and after), and a lot more like myself. Now, just how it is that you can actually not care, at least in the way that it will reduce anxiety and tension, is an issue that I will have to work with and discuss at length. It's just one piece of the puzzle, but it's an important one.
I will go over this concept in much more detail tomorrow in the running Final Solution entry. For now, let me give you a brief overview:
I kept trying to figure out what the difference was between social situations in which I was comfortable, and social situations in which I was anxious or (especially) tense. I couldn't pinpoint a clear difference. It just seemed to be something intangible. Something intangible, causing the Voice Thing, causing me to have difficulty in thinking of things to say, and causing me to not be myself.
So what examples did I have? I started with experiences that I gained since starting the mission. First, there were the dates. I'd been pretty far off in most of those. And then, there was the new female friend that I made. I'd been pretty much myself with her, every time. What was the difference?
It seems obvious. I simply cared less about how anything went in the strictly platonic relationship with the girl who's become my friend. But no, it's not that simple. If it were, then I'd have all sorts of friends - not just 2. But one important factor seems to be that to be myself, I need to not care about how things go. Not just say that I don't care. I need to really not care. That's the tough part. Conversationally Speaking talks about something related in Chapter 12.
It's important, but I will discuss it soon in the Master Plan running entry.
For now, let me recap my latest date, as is tradition.
The most important thing to point out here is that I was testing my theory about not caring. I wasn't very interested in this girl. She'd been largely the pursuer, or else I may not have even gone out with her again. I really didn't care how this went. I kept myself busy with other things prior to our second-date today. Kept myself busy with other things, instead of doing lots of planning of conversation topics. Instead of thinking about what it was going to be like. Instead of worrying that it might not go well. Instead of thinking about it much at all, really.
And so, if my theory were correct, I should have been more comfortable this time. A heck of a lot more comfortable than on date #11, where I thought the girl was amazing. No, it wouldn't be perfect, because there's a lot more to this stuff than just not caring. But it should have gone better.
In my August 20 entry, I wrote this quote from a site on shyness:
The secret to knowing what to say is learning what to feel. According to the experts, if you feel positive, feelings of fear will not interfere with your ability to think of something to say.
At the time, I had tied that information into my own plan to try to lose my sense of self-awareness, instead of actively trying to think of things to say. When I tried it out on date #3, the result as an absolute catastrophe. After that, I completely abandoned that line of thinking, in favor of a new strategy. Now, it made sense again, and I knew a date on which I had no worry (conscious or otherwise) would be a chance to support this little gem of knowledge (I wish I knew what "experts" actually suggested this - if anyone can find this out, it could help us a lot).
So without further ado, this is how the didn't-care second-date went:
I picked her up at her apartment so that we could have lunch together. I had little to no anxiety when I called her, or when she came down. Contrast this to date #11 (a really-care-a-lot date), when for the first time, I was especially anxious just waiting for my date to make her appearance.
I started out with some general questions - what have you been up to? I was able to ask follow-up questions based on her answers. I'm always pretty good at that. But when she asked some questions of her own, I was better this time. I was relaxed, and able to answer without the usual stumbling.
We went for waffle sandwiches. I had a couple new conversation topics in mind - just because they had occurred to me as passing thoughts earlier - but I wasn't focusing on reciting them. Shopping, Black Friday, Music. I had some things to say of my own about most of the things (not the usual case!). I added information, and did so pretty smoothly. I did about 40% of the talking, instead of the usual 20% or less. There were some brief silences, but I didn't feel uncomfortable about them. It was pretty easy to think of new topics. At some point I even said something totally silly without having to force myself to do so. In other words, I was pretty much myself.
The only time I started to feel a little anxiety was when my mind wandered to thoughts of a possible end-of-the-date kiss, and a possible rejection. I only allowed those thoughts for a moment, and the anxiety lessened when I brought my attention back to the current situation.
When we got back to her place, I told her I'd walk her up real quick. I then got a little sloppy. That is to say, I forgot a few things. Not because I was anxious...just because I was a little distracted with the current conversation and thinking of the ending. (If you're wondering, I forgot to open the car door for her, and didn't think to sneak some chapstick during a perfect opportunity).
She took me in the apartment unit (a first!) and gave me a little tour, bedroom included. She asked if I wanted to sit down, and I did. She then kept talking away. Interestingly enough, she was asking the questions the way I usually am. Asking me about things she knew I was interested in (sports). We were sitting on her sofa together, and I was thinking about how to end the date. Hmm. I was going to try to kiss her - on a second date, that goes without saying. But I decided to wait until I stood up, instead of trying it on the sofa (although that would make for a good place for my first makeout!).
She stood up with me, and opened the door. I put my right hand somewhere in the vicinity of her waist, and started the motion to kiss her. This time, it felt pretty natural.
But wait! The kiss never actually happened. In an instant, she turned her head! She turned her cheek toward me, in a somewhat subtle way, and turned it into a hug. I was pretty surprised. There was no indication that she'd lost interest in me...so what was the deal?
I wondered very briefly whether she just thought I was trying to hug her. But no, it was subtle, but obvious - she turned her head away from my lips as they moved towards her.
I thought it was odd. But I didn't care. Nope, no negative feelings this time. No obsessing over it for the next 3 days (I'm still anxious about the date #11 girl, who I plan to call tomorrow night, in spite of the extraordinarily awkward ending. Presumably the anxiety wouldn't have gotten so difficult to deal with if I hadn't obsessed over it and placed so much importance on it to begin with).
So this girl and I are done, unless she initiates contact (and then, maybe still). But the moral of the story is that when I didn't care what happened, I was a lot less anxious (before, during, and after), and a lot more like myself. Now, just how it is that you can actually not care, at least in the way that it will reduce anxiety and tension, is an issue that I will have to work with and discuss at length. It's just one piece of the puzzle, but it's an important one.
4 comments:
As a girl, let me just say that maybe she wasn't comfortable with being kissed...yet. Different people have different ideas about how far in a relationship they need to be before they're ok with being intimate...i'm pretty shy myself (i'm the same girl who left you a comment on one of your earlier entries)and i know that if i were on a second date with a guy i probably would not be okay with being kissed by him...unless i felt really, really comfortable around him at that point...which knowing me is unlikely...it would take far more dates than just two for me to come out of my shell. since this girl initiated the date and was also asking a lot of the questions that you are usually the one asking, could it be possible that she also suffers from social anxiety? and hence, felt too nervous or uncomfortable to be kissed already?
my two pennies worth of advice is to just not focus on the whole "i need to give her a goodbye kiss" thing. reading your entries, it seems you've almost turned this into a chore. despite what you may hear or read, a lot of girls aren't comfortable with kissing on a 1st date...and in cases like mine, even 2nd date. so...maybe you could just try to enjoy the date, enjoy her company, being around her and getting to know her, and becoming more comfortable around her...and let the kiss just happen naturally, without necessarily planning or contemplating the details of it.
good luck! i still think you're really brave and doing an awesome job on your mission...and i still love reading your entires. :)
"so...maybe you could just try to enjoy the date, enjoy her company, being around her and getting to know her, and becoming more comfortable around her...and let the kiss just happen naturally, without necessarily planning or contemplating the details of it."
^If it happens at all...and by the time the date is through if the kiss has not happened...it's really not a big deal. that shouldn't be your primary goal...i think the most important thing should be just being able to be comfortable around her and have her feel comfortable around you...so you can have more dates...and that way eventually the kiss will happen too...whether it's on a 1st date or 7th date. ok, enough of my rambling, i'll stop now!
Hey! Just noticed these comments.
Well, I don't think this particular girl is shy. But, point taken! Everything else indicates that she was still interested, so really, there's no need to worry about the turning-the-head thing.
So yes, I totally agree. Right now, the only important thing for me is to become comfortable around everyone I can. It really doesn't matter if the kiss EVER happens (although in reality, it would be hard to convert a date into an actual friend, so connecting physically has to happen at some point if the relationship is going to continue).
Next time, I'll just take it easy like you said, instead of turning the kiss into a little objective (although that is actually kinda fun!). While we're getting female opinions, let me ask you this...
If a guy you were interested in and
who you wanted to see again tried to kiss you before you were comfortable, would you still go out with him again, assuming he wasn't pushy at all? If so, it probably couldn't hurt for him to try anyway.
The crazy thing about me trying this dating stuff is that I started out at age 23 with ZERO experience with it. I'm just now learning everything as I go along, so I've come to accept that I'm bound to screw some things up along the way. It's cool though...just like with realizing what you've pointed out here, I learn something new every time.
sorry for the late reply! to answer your question, yes, i would definitely go out with a guy i was interested in even if he tried to kiss me before i was ready...definitely. hope all is well with you. :)
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