My situation has never been clear-cut. I've never really known what to call it: shyness, social anxiety disorder, extreme inexperience....some combination of those, and more or something else. But in the middle of my date this afternoon, I experienced a frightening reminder that whatever it is, it's more serious than I usually make it sound in the blog when I simply refer to "shyness"......
Today I went out on my thirteenth date since starting the blog in July. It was a third-date with the girl who has been pursuing me since we initially met on match.com.
I took her to lunch at Dave & Busters. Overall, it was really a lot like our second date. The great news there being that there wasn't even a hint of my infamous "Voice Thing" problem. That in and of itself is a major victory for me personally. I'm not even thinking about the horrid "voice thing" anymore; I hope to leave it behind, and carry this over to the future by just never going back.
The bad news is that I just didn't seem to have as much to say this time. I had already used most of the conversation topics from my list on the last two dates. I didn't do any preparation this time - just had a few things in mind - hoping that I would feel positive and would think of things naturally. But unfortunately, I often didn't, and there were some extended (though not necessarily awkward) silences throughout.
One "topic" that I've mentioned a half dozen times is my silly "updog joke." There's nothing special about the joke, no. The point is just that it's something entirely silly that, since I thought of it, I was always too inhibited to actually try, if it crossed my mind. On today's date, I did remember it. So the only thing left to do was to implement the Anti-Inhibition Strategy and force myself to go through with it.
And for once, I did.
We were eating lunch, and we had been talking about favorite foods. I asked her if she had ever had updog.
"What?"
"Updog. Have you ever had updog?"
"What's that?"
"Hm?"
"What's updog?"
"Nothin much. What's up with you?"
I had successfully executed the joke. She laughed a little, but just a little. It didn't seem like she thought it was very funny.
I really didn't think that I cared whether she thought it was funny or not. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I really didn't care. Consciously, there were no negative thoughts going through my mind. I wasn't (consciously) thinking "She thinks that was stupid" or anything like that.
But still, there was an awful turn of events.
A couple moments after the joke, I started to become anxious. My anxiety quickly but gradually built up, like a glass filling with water.
I was eating chicken breast. I had a fork in my right hand, and a knife in the other.
My right hand started shaking. Shaking uncontrollably - something I haven't written about in the blog yet, but that I used to experience whenever I had to do public speaking in school.
My hand was shaking so badly that I couldn't even raise my fork to eat. I tried to stop it by pressing my hand hard against the plate. This helped only a little.
I'm pretty sure that my date noticed this attack, and glanced at my hand. Wow. What must she be thinking? I continued to try to manage by instead drinking water with my left hand; removing my right hand from the table to use the napkin in my lap, out of sight; trying to wait it out. After two or three minutes (an eternity when something like this is happening), I regained control.
That was bad. I don't know if it was her reaction that triggered it, or perhaps some sort of pressure that I built up over the last couple months to try saying something silly on a date. The scary thing is that I wasn't consciously doing any negative thinking beforehand. It must have been something subconscious, seemingly outside of my control.
But I recovered, and the date proceeded as normal. We played arcade games and a couple of competitive things (typical Dave & Busters, or Chuck-E-Cheese stuff), and I was quite comfortable. I took her home after a couple hours.
I walked her up again. She again took me into her apartment without saying a word about it. The last time, I tried to kiss her before I departed, and she turned her head and hugged me.
This time, I just hugged her. I'd decided that I really wasn't interested enough in her, and probably didn't want to take it any further - so I wouldn't lead her on with a kiss. She said she would see me, probably after Thanksgiving. So it looks like *maybe* she was still interested, despite the bizarre trembling I showed in the middle of our date.
So it's yet another experience in the books. I think every single one helps. I will continue to trudge forward with my mission, doing everything I can to overcome whatever I encounter along the way. I'm determined to start taking more risks, and ramp up my efforts, so I should have lots to write about in the coming days.
Today I went out on my thirteenth date since starting the blog in July. It was a third-date with the girl who has been pursuing me since we initially met on match.com.
I took her to lunch at Dave & Busters. Overall, it was really a lot like our second date. The great news there being that there wasn't even a hint of my infamous "Voice Thing" problem. That in and of itself is a major victory for me personally. I'm not even thinking about the horrid "voice thing" anymore; I hope to leave it behind, and carry this over to the future by just never going back.
The bad news is that I just didn't seem to have as much to say this time. I had already used most of the conversation topics from my list on the last two dates. I didn't do any preparation this time - just had a few things in mind - hoping that I would feel positive and would think of things naturally. But unfortunately, I often didn't, and there were some extended (though not necessarily awkward) silences throughout.
One "topic" that I've mentioned a half dozen times is my silly "updog joke." There's nothing special about the joke, no. The point is just that it's something entirely silly that, since I thought of it, I was always too inhibited to actually try, if it crossed my mind. On today's date, I did remember it. So the only thing left to do was to implement the Anti-Inhibition Strategy and force myself to go through with it.
And for once, I did.
We were eating lunch, and we had been talking about favorite foods. I asked her if she had ever had updog.
"What?"
"Updog. Have you ever had updog?"
"What's that?"
"Hm?"
"What's updog?"
"Nothin much. What's up with you?"
I had successfully executed the joke. She laughed a little, but just a little. It didn't seem like she thought it was very funny.
I really didn't think that I cared whether she thought it was funny or not. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I really didn't care. Consciously, there were no negative thoughts going through my mind. I wasn't (consciously) thinking "She thinks that was stupid" or anything like that.
But still, there was an awful turn of events.
A couple moments after the joke, I started to become anxious. My anxiety quickly but gradually built up, like a glass filling with water.
I was eating chicken breast. I had a fork in my right hand, and a knife in the other.
My right hand started shaking. Shaking uncontrollably - something I haven't written about in the blog yet, but that I used to experience whenever I had to do public speaking in school.
My hand was shaking so badly that I couldn't even raise my fork to eat. I tried to stop it by pressing my hand hard against the plate. This helped only a little.
I'm pretty sure that my date noticed this attack, and glanced at my hand. Wow. What must she be thinking? I continued to try to manage by instead drinking water with my left hand; removing my right hand from the table to use the napkin in my lap, out of sight; trying to wait it out. After two or three minutes (an eternity when something like this is happening), I regained control.
That was bad. I don't know if it was her reaction that triggered it, or perhaps some sort of pressure that I built up over the last couple months to try saying something silly on a date. The scary thing is that I wasn't consciously doing any negative thinking beforehand. It must have been something subconscious, seemingly outside of my control.
But I recovered, and the date proceeded as normal. We played arcade games and a couple of competitive things (typical Dave & Busters, or Chuck-E-Cheese stuff), and I was quite comfortable. I took her home after a couple hours.
I walked her up again. She again took me into her apartment without saying a word about it. The last time, I tried to kiss her before I departed, and she turned her head and hugged me.
This time, I just hugged her. I'd decided that I really wasn't interested enough in her, and probably didn't want to take it any further - so I wouldn't lead her on with a kiss. She said she would see me, probably after Thanksgiving. So it looks like *maybe* she was still interested, despite the bizarre trembling I showed in the middle of our date.
So it's yet another experience in the books. I think every single one helps. I will continue to trudge forward with my mission, doing everything I can to overcome whatever I encounter along the way. I'm determined to start taking more risks, and ramp up my efforts, so I should have lots to write about in the coming days.
1 comment:
Dude I hope you never give up and do all it takes to eradicate that silly shyness out of your life. Saw a link to this blog on some other web page and felt understood by reading your stuff. You know I'm 28 years old. My situation is tolerable, mind you : had a gf, met 4 girls since our breakup in last february, some action u know, have friends and all, and I teach, so I'm not THAT shy. And yet there's always this damned feeling that somehow I'm doing something wrong, that for some reason people will judge me, that there is something *more* I have to do... like I'm never satisfied with what I am you know ? Anyways, we'll get over it one day I guess. Good luck.
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