Ok! I think that was the longest period of time I've gone without posting. Fear not, my friends, for the mission shall been seen through to completion.
So there was a one-week lull in the action that included some consternation on my part. I won't get into it; I will just advise that everyone getting involved in these things use the telephone and not e-mail whenever possible. As you know, I had terrible phone anxiety...so I tried to use e-mail whenever I could. E-mail and messages in general can lead to unnecessary misunderstandings. Plus, I should have been using the phone whenever possible in order to get more comfortable with it. So from now on, I am discontinuing use of e-mail whenever I get a person's telephone number. Well, for non-platonic things at least.
Anyway! I was back in action today. I went on my sixth date (ninth overall meeting!), and it was a first-date. As you can probably tell, I am happy.
I went into this date feeling as if I really have the first-date thing down. I can't imagine ever having another one-and-done, like the first three. I made mistakes in those early, practically sacrificial dates, and now I know what I'm doing.
So, as has become my policy, I made this first-date a "Starbucks date." The plan? Simple...aim to talk over drinks for 45 minutes at Starbucks. Have 5-6 topics in mind to discuss going in. Stick firmly to the two principles in the "Inhibition" post. End on a high note, go home, and don't obsess over it.
That was pretty much executed to perfection. Lucky for me, without exception, EVERY girl I have been out with has talked A LOT (90%+ of the conversation).
Now, it turns out that I am a heck of a good listener. It's the one conversation skill that I had going in, but I am going to to try to use this date as an example for others, to explain how I do it.
So I am clever. Instead of trying to pull out a ton of random questions from my Conversation Topics blog entry, I have a very simple roadmap of topics.
So between the personals profile, e-mail, and a brief phone conversation, I knew a little about my companion. I knew she worked with animals, I knew she had gone to Australia to research animals, I knew where she went to school...etc.
Me: So how was your day? (I knew she would mention work, to which I would be able to relate the topic of animals, which relates to her Australia trip, which relates to what she majored in at college, etc.)
Her: It was good. My job is interesting because we do something totally different every day.
Me: Oh yeah? What'd you do today? (I pulled an obvious question from her comment)
Her: We counted different species of reptiles in the reservoir. (These are actually longer, more detailed responses; remember, she is doing 90% of the talking)
Me: So have you ever had any pets like that? Reptiles and amphibians?
Her: Yeah, I had tree frogs. Haven't had any reptiles yet though. How about you? (This is one of the relatively few times she actually asked me a question. Simple stuff here: just answer it!)
Me: I've had mostly amphibians. I have a frog right now.
Her: What kind?
Me: It's an african-clawed frog. You know, Xenopus.... (I actually get a chance to talk about something now, because I've wittingly led the conversation into something I know about)
Her: Actually I don't know. Which one is that?
Me: It's one that only lives underwater.
Her: Oh ok, I think I've seen it in the pet store.
Me: Yeah, probably so.
Her: So you like herping? (She's referring to something I alluded to in our first few e-mails)
Me: Yeah. Well I haven't actually done it, but I'm interested in it.
Her: Yeah. They're actually not that easy to find. When we were in Australia we only found a few snakes. And a lot of frogs. (She brought up the Australia trip. I would have if she hadn't)
We then talked about her trip to Australia for 10 minutes or so. This isn't an exact transcript, but it's some of what I remember from the early part of the conversation. It basically continued like that. Mostly me asking questions (don't worry, it doesn't seem at all like an interview when you make occasional comments), plus she asked me something about a project I did in school, which I explained for a couple minutes. My questions eventually led to her talking at length about her career ambitions - that took up the most time.
Very simple stuff:
(1) Have a few topics in mind, and have in mind how they relate to each other, or to what may be said, and to what you know.
(2) Listen to the responses, and formulate new questions based on what is said.
(3) Listen to the responses, and make comments about things that relate to your own experiences whenever you notice that.
So I just tried to give you the flavor of one of these meetings, as requested by reader Jason. Hopefully that helps for anyone wanting to try this. Let me know if there are any questions!
It went well. I didn't pull any random jokes, because it didn't seem like it would fit in the conversation. But I made whatever slightly humorous comments that came to mind, without letting inhibition get in my way. And I was just myself, and didn't try to impress with any responses, so I didn't trip up on anything. I also didn't think much about it ahead of time, so I didn't let any type of anxiety build up going in. And finally, I didn't concern myself with the results before, during, or after the shindig.
Don't worry - after these things become tried and true, I will summarize for you everything that works, and perhaps everything that doesn't.
Conclusion
I ended it first (very important, for the guys), and she said it was nice meeting me, I said the same, and she thanked me twice for the coffee (cheap date!). She said have a good night; I said alright, you too.
There was plenty of smiling, and sufficient laughter (this is what happens when you get people to talk about the things they love in life), so I have absolutely no doubt that there will be a second date if I want it. Yes, if I want it.
Tonight I also achieved another milestone.
I made a date over the telephone. Pretty easy! Call until you get them (no messages), make 5 minutes of smalltalk (easy compared to the above date, which was 1 hour 20 minutes, by the way), make the date, and bam, you're done.
The date is set for this weekend with the girl I went out on my first second-date with. So yes, I am booked for my first third-date ever! Mutual interest is a very good and unique feeling. If you haven't experienced this, then you must! I'll help any way I can, throw questions at me. Anonymous comments now allowed.
Clear progress.
So there was a one-week lull in the action that included some consternation on my part. I won't get into it; I will just advise that everyone getting involved in these things use the telephone and not e-mail whenever possible. As you know, I had terrible phone anxiety...so I tried to use e-mail whenever I could. E-mail and messages in general can lead to unnecessary misunderstandings. Plus, I should have been using the phone whenever possible in order to get more comfortable with it. So from now on, I am discontinuing use of e-mail whenever I get a person's telephone number. Well, for non-platonic things at least.
Anyway! I was back in action today. I went on my sixth date (ninth overall meeting!), and it was a first-date. As you can probably tell, I am happy.
I went into this date feeling as if I really have the first-date thing down. I can't imagine ever having another one-and-done, like the first three. I made mistakes in those early, practically sacrificial dates, and now I know what I'm doing.
So, as has become my policy, I made this first-date a "Starbucks date." The plan? Simple...aim to talk over drinks for 45 minutes at Starbucks. Have 5-6 topics in mind to discuss going in. Stick firmly to the two principles in the "Inhibition" post. End on a high note, go home, and don't obsess over it.
That was pretty much executed to perfection. Lucky for me, without exception, EVERY girl I have been out with has talked A LOT (90%+ of the conversation).
Now, it turns out that I am a heck of a good listener. It's the one conversation skill that I had going in, but I am going to to try to use this date as an example for others, to explain how I do it.
So I am clever. Instead of trying to pull out a ton of random questions from my Conversation Topics blog entry, I have a very simple roadmap of topics.
So between the personals profile, e-mail, and a brief phone conversation, I knew a little about my companion. I knew she worked with animals, I knew she had gone to Australia to research animals, I knew where she went to school...etc.
Me: So how was your day? (I knew she would mention work, to which I would be able to relate the topic of animals, which relates to her Australia trip, which relates to what she majored in at college, etc.)
Her: It was good. My job is interesting because we do something totally different every day.
Me: Oh yeah? What'd you do today? (I pulled an obvious question from her comment)
Her: We counted different species of reptiles in the reservoir. (These are actually longer, more detailed responses; remember, she is doing 90% of the talking)
Me: So have you ever had any pets like that? Reptiles and amphibians?
Her: Yeah, I had tree frogs. Haven't had any reptiles yet though. How about you? (This is one of the relatively few times she actually asked me a question. Simple stuff here: just answer it!)
Me: I've had mostly amphibians. I have a frog right now.
Her: What kind?
Me: It's an african-clawed frog. You know, Xenopus.... (I actually get a chance to talk about something now, because I've wittingly led the conversation into something I know about)
Her: Actually I don't know. Which one is that?
Me: It's one that only lives underwater.
Her: Oh ok, I think I've seen it in the pet store.
Me: Yeah, probably so.
Her: So you like herping? (She's referring to something I alluded to in our first few e-mails)
Me: Yeah. Well I haven't actually done it, but I'm interested in it.
Her: Yeah. They're actually not that easy to find. When we were in Australia we only found a few snakes. And a lot of frogs. (She brought up the Australia trip. I would have if she hadn't)
We then talked about her trip to Australia for 10 minutes or so. This isn't an exact transcript, but it's some of what I remember from the early part of the conversation. It basically continued like that. Mostly me asking questions (don't worry, it doesn't seem at all like an interview when you make occasional comments), plus she asked me something about a project I did in school, which I explained for a couple minutes. My questions eventually led to her talking at length about her career ambitions - that took up the most time.
Very simple stuff:
(1) Have a few topics in mind, and have in mind how they relate to each other, or to what may be said, and to what you know.
(2) Listen to the responses, and formulate new questions based on what is said.
(3) Listen to the responses, and make comments about things that relate to your own experiences whenever you notice that.
So I just tried to give you the flavor of one of these meetings, as requested by reader Jason. Hopefully that helps for anyone wanting to try this. Let me know if there are any questions!
It went well. I didn't pull any random jokes, because it didn't seem like it would fit in the conversation. But I made whatever slightly humorous comments that came to mind, without letting inhibition get in my way. And I was just myself, and didn't try to impress with any responses, so I didn't trip up on anything. I also didn't think much about it ahead of time, so I didn't let any type of anxiety build up going in. And finally, I didn't concern myself with the results before, during, or after the shindig.
Don't worry - after these things become tried and true, I will summarize for you everything that works, and perhaps everything that doesn't.
Conclusion
I ended it first (very important, for the guys), and she said it was nice meeting me, I said the same, and she thanked me twice for the coffee (cheap date!). She said have a good night; I said alright, you too
There was plenty of smiling, and sufficient laughter (this is what happens when you get people to talk about the things they love in life), so I have absolutely no doubt that there will be a second date if I want it. Yes, if I want it.
Tonight I also achieved another milestone.
I made a date over the telephone. Pretty easy! Call until you get them (no messages), make 5 minutes of smalltalk (easy compared to the above date, which was 1 hour 20 minutes, by the way), make the date, and bam, you're done.
The date is set for this weekend with the girl I went out on my first second-date with. So yes, I am booked for my first third-date ever! Mutual interest is a very good and unique feeling. If you haven't experienced this, then you must! I'll help any way I can, throw questions at me. Anonymous comments now allowed.
Clear progress.
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