I went on my 29th date Wednesday. Another first-date with a girl I'd met online (this time, at match.com), at another Starbucks.
I feel as if the huge six-week gap between dates was responsible for the poor performance I wrote about last time. In fact, it was a lot like starting over - not much better than the first date I went on in August! But maybe that's okay. I improved after that one, and experienced my first success 3 dates later. Hopefully this time, it wouldn't take so long to improve. And hopefully after this, I won't experience any more social lulls, and can stay comfortable onward through the rest of my years.
Back to date #29:
She was interesting - unlike anyone I've met so far. She started out by telling me that she was nervous, because she "isn't good at the first-date thing." Of course, that was fine by me! I always feel a lot less anxious after I've met the person and we've talked for a few moments, but her disclaimer put me even more at ease than usual.
She's about the sweetest girl you could imagine. She spoke slowly, pausing to think about things throughout the conversation. That, too, made me even more relaxed. I was a little off (a little bit of "voice thing" for those who remember that beast, and other stuff like that), but it was a lot better than last Sunday's date. This time, I'd gone into the date determined, no matter what, to remember 4 specific topics, for which recalling the subtopics was easy. I figured this way I could avoid any awkward silences in the conversation. I planned to fall back on the four topics (The Office tv show, food, phobias, and her dream of owning a boutique one day) only when the conversation stalled, but I ended up using all but one pretty early on.
It was going well enough that I started to feel as if I would definitely be seeing her again, if I wished. This was great, except for the fact that I became mentally distracted trying to estimate whether 45 minutes had passed so that I could end the date. When she apologized for doing most of the talking (she was, and this was fine by me!), I said "I'd actually better head back, I guess." It had been about an hour. I was able to smoothly end the conversation by asking about her weekend plans. She told me she was going to hug me; then she did so, and wished me good luck with my weekend football.
I feel like this girl is the easiest person to talk to that I've gone on a date with. She seems so easy to talk to that I'm actually planning to have dinner with her next week. I usually choose an activity like laser tag where minimal talking is required, but with her, I feel confident enough to handle an evening of conversation.
And more confident now, I am. I now have as many people to meet in person as I do free days in my week. It helps a lot knowing that if something doesn't work out, there's another opportunity right around the corner. My goal is to keep up this level of activity over the next six weeks, and build on my confidence.
Confidence is, perhaps, about half the battle. I've found that trying to psyche myself into feeling confident doesn't work. It seems the only way to gain it is to actually be successful with this social stuff.
Some interesting side notes:
Having friends is incredible. Thanks to this Mission of mine, I'm doing things now that I never did before: some things just don't fly solo. Last night I went to some bars and clubs with the friend I always mention, who I met when I started out last summer. With her, as I always say, I feel completely relaxed and confident - I'm just myself. In fact, it's a little crazy:
I'm the guy who's written 90 posts about a mission to overcome shyness. And yet, last night, I was at times able to be a lot wilder than the dozens of young people drinking alcohol (I've never had a drink) in the city. I danced when no one else was dancing. When everyone else was quiet, I yelled in jest "I LOVE YOU!!" at the Dave Matthews tribute band that was performing.
What if I could be that uninhibited all the time?
I feel as if the huge six-week gap between dates was responsible for the poor performance I wrote about last time. In fact, it was a lot like starting over - not much better than the first date I went on in August! But maybe that's okay. I improved after that one, and experienced my first success 3 dates later. Hopefully this time, it wouldn't take so long to improve. And hopefully after this, I won't experience any more social lulls, and can stay comfortable onward through the rest of my years.
Back to date #29:
She was interesting - unlike anyone I've met so far. She started out by telling me that she was nervous, because she "isn't good at the first-date thing." Of course, that was fine by me! I always feel a lot less anxious after I've met the person and we've talked for a few moments, but her disclaimer put me even more at ease than usual.
She's about the sweetest girl you could imagine. She spoke slowly, pausing to think about things throughout the conversation. That, too, made me even more relaxed. I was a little off (a little bit of "voice thing" for those who remember that beast, and other stuff like that), but it was a lot better than last Sunday's date. This time, I'd gone into the date determined, no matter what, to remember 4 specific topics, for which recalling the subtopics was easy. I figured this way I could avoid any awkward silences in the conversation. I planned to fall back on the four topics (The Office tv show, food, phobias, and her dream of owning a boutique one day) only when the conversation stalled, but I ended up using all but one pretty early on.
It was going well enough that I started to feel as if I would definitely be seeing her again, if I wished. This was great, except for the fact that I became mentally distracted trying to estimate whether 45 minutes had passed so that I could end the date. When she apologized for doing most of the talking (she was, and this was fine by me!), I said "I'd actually better head back, I guess." It had been about an hour. I was able to smoothly end the conversation by asking about her weekend plans. She told me she was going to hug me; then she did so, and wished me good luck with my weekend football.
I feel like this girl is the easiest person to talk to that I've gone on a date with. She seems so easy to talk to that I'm actually planning to have dinner with her next week. I usually choose an activity like laser tag where minimal talking is required, but with her, I feel confident enough to handle an evening of conversation.
And more confident now, I am. I now have as many people to meet in person as I do free days in my week. It helps a lot knowing that if something doesn't work out, there's another opportunity right around the corner. My goal is to keep up this level of activity over the next six weeks, and build on my confidence.
Confidence is, perhaps, about half the battle. I've found that trying to psyche myself into feeling confident doesn't work. It seems the only way to gain it is to actually be successful with this social stuff.
Some interesting side notes:
Having friends is incredible. Thanks to this Mission of mine, I'm doing things now that I never did before: some things just don't fly solo. Last night I went to some bars and clubs with the friend I always mention, who I met when I started out last summer. With her, as I always say, I feel completely relaxed and confident - I'm just myself. In fact, it's a little crazy:
I'm the guy who's written 90 posts about a mission to overcome shyness. And yet, last night, I was at times able to be a lot wilder than the dozens of young people drinking alcohol (I've never had a drink) in the city. I danced when no one else was dancing. When everyone else was quiet, I yelled in jest "I LOVE YOU!!" at the Dave Matthews tribute band that was performing.
What if I could be that uninhibited all the time?
2 comments:
Hey!
Just wanted to say how much I am impressed by your willingness to jump into the whole dating thing.
Only found your blog tonight and haven’t been able to stop reading! Reading about your first kiss haha! Reminded me so much of mine, awkward but amazing (but yours was sober at least!)! Shame about that girl though, I wouldn’t worry about her though, she didn't even like parties, what good is that?!
I haven’t read much of your more recent blog posts, the only advice I can give is to remember they are not an enigma machine, talk to them as natural as possible, and treat them well!
Keep writing, you have a good style and it’s nice to read an average guys struggle to find love. We are all going through it, you are certainly not alone!
Haha! Your comment brought a smile to my face :) That first-kiss girl is anciet history...that was over 8 months ago!! But you got me thinking - I haven't actually had any success with someone I liked quite as much as her yet. Ahh, but it's okay. Like you said, she doesn't even like parties!
Anyway, thanks. I go through a lot of tough times with this stuff, and the thing that keeps me going is knowing that there are people out there rooting for me, and who understand what I'm going through.
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