Well, tonight I had my fourth in-person meeting; my third date. I came out of it feeling...depressed.
It didn't go catastrophically bad. How could it? But it wasn't so good. In fact, it was really just more of the same. I didn't feel much anxiety during the 1-hour meeting, and there weren't any major silences. Once again, I was able to ask some questions, and my date was very talkative about herself, filling most of the time. As always, I bumbled a few sentences, and felt inhibited. And this time, my voice was as bad as ever. I couldn't seem to get it in gear. It's weird, because I don't think it's a physical thing - immediately before and after, my voice was just fine. But during, it was too high, and not clear enough, something miserable like that. Maybe an odd complaint, but I feel like I could have considered the date to have gone "reasonably well" if not for that.
This having gone similarly to my first 2 dates, why am I depressed? A few reasons... first of all, my date literally yawned a couple times, and was the one to end the date (after only an hour).
Clearly not good for my self-esteem. Second, this was my fourth meeting on this mission. I feel like things are supposed to be getting better, not a little worse. I really hate the feeling of going backwards, even a little. And thirdly, I wasn't able to pull off that trick I mentioned last post, about losing self-awareness to become less inhibited. I couldn't get comfortable enough mentally...not this time.
The date ended with a weird sort of handshake-hug, and an "I'll see you later..?" from the girl. The observant blog reader will notice the similarity to the date before this, which ended with an "I'll talk to you later..?" In that case, I called 3 days later, and got a voicemail. I left a message, and still haven't gotten a call back, 2 days later. I felt like that date definitely went better than tonight's, so.....once again, not good for my self-esteem. I am pretty sure this time I won't even bother making the follow-up phone call. I try to brush these things off, but eliciting another needless Friends Speech would be downright masochistic. Of course there's the extremely remote possibility that the girl is for some reason still interested, but....
The idea is to gain as much experience as possible, so in that sense, everything I do is a "success." But I'm already very, very tired of experiencing failures in the traditional sense. I'm the type of guy who needs to be successful after putting in so much time and energy. It's strange to talk to someone over e-mail for a couple of weeks, then meet up with them for an hour or two, and never hear from them again. But dating is a good way to gain social experience, of which I need as much as possible, so it's worth dealing with.
I felt a little like giving up on the way home, but of course that will NEVER happen. Right now the plan is to set up another first date tomorrow, and focus on other things when I'm not doing that or writing here (i.e., according to items #2 and #3 last post, I'm supposed to not dwell on the event afterwards, and not concern myself with the results...doing either would be depressing). I also need to figure out a way to get some more platonic meetings in...that would help, since those tend not to end in discouragement.
These methods aren't for the faint of heart.....
It didn't go catastrophically bad. How could it? But it wasn't so good. In fact, it was really just more of the same. I didn't feel much anxiety during the 1-hour meeting, and there weren't any major silences. Once again, I was able to ask some questions, and my date was very talkative about herself, filling most of the time. As always, I bumbled a few sentences, and felt inhibited. And this time, my voice was as bad as ever. I couldn't seem to get it in gear. It's weird, because I don't think it's a physical thing - immediately before and after, my voice was just fine. But during, it was too high, and not clear enough, something miserable like that. Maybe an odd complaint, but I feel like I could have considered the date to have gone "reasonably well" if not for that.
This having gone similarly to my first 2 dates, why am I depressed? A few reasons... first of all, my date literally yawned a couple times, and was the one to end the date (after only an hour).
Clearly not good for my self-esteem. Second, this was my fourth meeting on this mission. I feel like things are supposed to be getting better, not a little worse. I really hate the feeling of going backwards, even a little. And thirdly, I wasn't able to pull off that trick I mentioned last post, about losing self-awareness to become less inhibited. I couldn't get comfortable enough mentally...not this time.
The date ended with a weird sort of handshake-hug, and an "I'll see you later..?" from the girl. The observant blog reader will notice the similarity to the date before this, which ended with an "I'll talk to you later..?" In that case, I called 3 days later, and got a voicemail. I left a message, and still haven't gotten a call back, 2 days later. I felt like that date definitely went better than tonight's, so.....once again, not good for my self-esteem. I am pretty sure this time I won't even bother making the follow-up phone call. I try to brush these things off, but eliciting another needless Friends Speech would be downright masochistic. Of course there's the extremely remote possibility that the girl is for some reason still interested, but....
The idea is to gain as much experience as possible, so in that sense, everything I do is a "success." But I'm already very, very tired of experiencing failures in the traditional sense. I'm the type of guy who needs to be successful after putting in so much time and energy. It's strange to talk to someone over e-mail for a couple of weeks, then meet up with them for an hour or two, and never hear from them again. But dating is a good way to gain social experience, of which I need as much as possible, so it's worth dealing with.
I felt a little like giving up on the way home, but of course that will NEVER happen. Right now the plan is to set up another first date tomorrow, and focus on other things when I'm not doing that or writing here (i.e., according to items #2 and #3 last post, I'm supposed to not dwell on the event afterwards, and not concern myself with the results...doing either would be depressing). I also need to figure out a way to get some more platonic meetings in...that would help, since those tend not to end in discouragement.
These methods aren't for the faint of heart.....
1 comment:
I find it quite interesting to develop real skills by interacting with other people... Instead of just sitting around and moaning about everything (that´s me!). Wish I could do the same -because, you know, if life´s a rehearsal, you just have to try again if the first attempt wasn´t good enough for you. Sounds pretty well, but putting that into practice is harder than it seems to "normal" folks. So I congratulate you!
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