I'm entirely fascinated by this mission of mine. I'm experiencing things that I only imagined before....and it's amazing.
It's amazing, because it's all about people. Nothing in the world is more interesting.
In my days of social isolation, I always had this one crazy idea. I thought it would be incredible if somehow there were a laboratory world of sorts. A laboratory world where you could try interacting with people without having any fear of the consequences. A world with an undo button.
I came to realize that my mission provides me with a sort of laboratory world. I go on so many dates that you have to think: How important could any single one of them be? If I tried something crazy, what negative consequence could possibly result? None of these connections has worked out so far anyway, so why not have fun with them, throw caution to the wind, and learn something?
As I lay in bed last night, I got the idea that I was going to do something crazy. Something in particular.
A couple weeks ago, I mentioned a girl who I had a tentative second-date planned with, but who left me hanging instead of getting back to me with an exact time. A couple days after that, I busted her via text message.
"Why didn't you bother to text me back at all? you know, I was keeping Saturday open for you."
"I'm so sorry! I ended up staying with my cousin... I owe you!"
"Baby, you could have easily told me that before. What should I think?"
"That I was an inconsiderate butt head?"
"Yup, and now next time you're gonna have to break gender roles and do the asking-out. goodnight"
"I don't believe in gender roles....Goodnight"
Now, there are two points here. The first is that I would have been way too inhibited to say that over the phone or in person, instead of in text. The second thing is that I had thought about just telling her to have a nice life, but I decided at the last second not to blow her off.
I decided not to blow her off because I figured I could at least experiment like that. I could have a little fun with it. And I also didn't blow her off because there was something unique about this girl. She had a blog, not completely unlike this one, where she gave insight into what was going on in her heart and mind. She'd linked this blog in her e-mail signature, perfectly willing to share it, even with someone (i.e., me) that she was going to meet for a blind date. And immediately after that date, she told me that I was "clearly a great guy." This girl was completely transparent. Unlike anyone I'd ever met.
She was so unique that I found myself thinking about her, even after my fourth date with another girl, when that connection was at its peak.
But she never did take her then-mandatory turn to ask me out. So last night, the particular crazy idea was that I wouldn't let this end silently. I would be transparent just like her, and tell her exactly how I felt about her.
As I prepared to text the message, I had second thoughts. It was too deep. Too revealing. But it was a text message, so I could force myself to push the send button, and then go hide.
"Hey Ash. Since it looks like we won't be hanging out, I want to confess something... I think you're really special."
The stuff of a lab world. How she would react, I had no idea. Even in the comfort of my own bedroom, I was so embarrassed that I turned my ringer on silent and buried my head in a pillow.
Eventually, I mustered the courage to take a peek at my phone. I had 1 new text message.
"Thanks... I felt that way about you too just didn't think we were a good match. I'd love to be friends if you're up for that?"
Ahh! Interesting - she had "friended" me, but I didn't find it upsetting at all. I was completely unphased. In actuality, I wasn't sure how good of a match we were, either. My interest in her had grown a lot since we met, with her sending me that "great guy" text message, and with me reading her soulful blog entries. I don't know if she likes many of the things that I do, or if we're in any way each other's "type," but I was drawn to her because of her unique honesty. Drawn to her, because I felt she was somehow a kindred spirit. I wanted to be with her so that I could take away her pain. I wanted her to be with me, so that she could take away mine.
I texted back one word: "Sure"
Then I thought about it a bit. Could I actually be friends with her? The "friends speech" is something that's usually administered as a polite way to end an association with someone after dating. Rarely does anyone actually make a friend that way. But this girl was different, and I thought she really meant what she said.
I thought a little more. There is't much I wouldn't do to have a few more friends....even one. But would it be awkward seeing her after my little experiment with transparency? Perhaps, but March is about trying harder, so it was worth the risk. In fact, there isn't anything to lose.
15 minutes later, I decided I should text her again. I could say anything to this girl - at least over text messages.
"Wait, I mean, that would be great. I wasn't merely trying to be polite, hope you weren't either...haha"
"Of course not... I didn't have to reply. Let's try & do something next weekend."
Pretty interesting. If I hadn't had the guts to use my life as an experiment, I probably wouldn't have ever heard from her again, let alone had the chance to become friends with her.
That last part remains to be seen. I'm going to meet up with her again, and hope it's not awkward. I'm not carrying a torch for this girl any more than she is for me, so I hope she doesn't think as much. After all, I began to feel most of my affection for her after reading her blog. She felt it for me only after a date on which I was more "off" than usual, stuttering with simple words and sentences. Odd.
I'll continue to use the world as my laboratory, and give it a try.
It's amazing, because it's all about people. Nothing in the world is more interesting.
In my days of social isolation, I always had this one crazy idea. I thought it would be incredible if somehow there were a laboratory world of sorts. A laboratory world where you could try interacting with people without having any fear of the consequences. A world with an undo button.
I came to realize that my mission provides me with a sort of laboratory world. I go on so many dates that you have to think: How important could any single one of them be? If I tried something crazy, what negative consequence could possibly result? None of these connections has worked out so far anyway, so why not have fun with them, throw caution to the wind, and learn something?
As I lay in bed last night, I got the idea that I was going to do something crazy. Something in particular.
A couple weeks ago, I mentioned a girl who I had a tentative second-date planned with, but who left me hanging instead of getting back to me with an exact time. A couple days after that, I busted her via text message.
"Why didn't you bother to text me back at all? you know, I was keeping Saturday open for you."
"I'm so sorry! I ended up staying with my cousin... I owe you!"
"Baby, you could have easily told me that before. What should I think?"
"That I was an inconsiderate butt head?"
"Yup, and now next time you're gonna have to break gender roles and do the asking-out. goodnight"
"I don't believe in gender roles....Goodnight"
Now, there are two points here. The first is that I would have been way too inhibited to say that over the phone or in person, instead of in text. The second thing is that I had thought about just telling her to have a nice life, but I decided at the last second not to blow her off.
I decided not to blow her off because I figured I could at least experiment like that. I could have a little fun with it. And I also didn't blow her off because there was something unique about this girl. She had a blog, not completely unlike this one, where she gave insight into what was going on in her heart and mind. She'd linked this blog in her e-mail signature, perfectly willing to share it, even with someone (i.e., me) that she was going to meet for a blind date. And immediately after that date, she told me that I was "clearly a great guy." This girl was completely transparent. Unlike anyone I'd ever met.
She was so unique that I found myself thinking about her, even after my fourth date with another girl, when that connection was at its peak.
But she never did take her then-mandatory turn to ask me out. So last night, the particular crazy idea was that I wouldn't let this end silently. I would be transparent just like her, and tell her exactly how I felt about her.
As I prepared to text the message, I had second thoughts. It was too deep. Too revealing. But it was a text message, so I could force myself to push the send button, and then go hide.
"Hey Ash. Since it looks like we won't be hanging out, I want to confess something... I think you're really special."
The stuff of a lab world. How she would react, I had no idea. Even in the comfort of my own bedroom, I was so embarrassed that I turned my ringer on silent and buried my head in a pillow.
Eventually, I mustered the courage to take a peek at my phone. I had 1 new text message.
"Thanks... I felt that way about you too just didn't think we were a good match. I'd love to be friends if you're up for that?"
Ahh! Interesting - she had "friended" me, but I didn't find it upsetting at all. I was completely unphased. In actuality, I wasn't sure how good of a match we were, either. My interest in her had grown a lot since we met, with her sending me that "great guy" text message, and with me reading her soulful blog entries. I don't know if she likes many of the things that I do, or if we're in any way each other's "type," but I was drawn to her because of her unique honesty. Drawn to her, because I felt she was somehow a kindred spirit. I wanted to be with her so that I could take away her pain. I wanted her to be with me, so that she could take away mine.
I texted back one word: "Sure"
Then I thought about it a bit. Could I actually be friends with her? The "friends speech" is something that's usually administered as a polite way to end an association with someone after dating. Rarely does anyone actually make a friend that way. But this girl was different, and I thought she really meant what she said.
I thought a little more. There is't much I wouldn't do to have a few more friends....even one. But would it be awkward seeing her after my little experiment with transparency? Perhaps, but March is about trying harder, so it was worth the risk. In fact, there isn't anything to lose.
15 minutes later, I decided I should text her again. I could say anything to this girl - at least over text messages.
"Wait, I mean, that would be great. I wasn't merely trying to be polite, hope you weren't either...haha"
"Of course not... I didn't have to reply. Let's try & do something next weekend."
Pretty interesting. If I hadn't had the guts to use my life as an experiment, I probably wouldn't have ever heard from her again, let alone had the chance to become friends with her.
That last part remains to be seen. I'm going to meet up with her again, and hope it's not awkward. I'm not carrying a torch for this girl any more than she is for me, so I hope she doesn't think as much. After all, I began to feel most of my affection for her after reading her blog. She felt it for me only after a date on which I was more "off" than usual, stuttering with simple words and sentences. Odd.
I'll continue to use the world as my laboratory, and give it a try.
1 comment:
It's funny I actually have the same idea about "the" world. I should try anything, as long as life is not a rehearsal, so chances can not be missed. Words of British singer Morrissey (who was kind of isolated when he was our age, don't ask why and how he became sort of a pop star) keep echoing in my head: "[Try everything] Because time is a mere scratch... And life is nothing". He's right. By the way, he's got a song that goes something like "Shyness is nice and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to". He's one of my favourite artists, in case you didn't notice ;)
Post a Comment