On March 6, something that began on December 2 ended. Yep. After three months, my connection with the girl who prompted both elated and dejected blog entries came to an end.
I sent her one last text. I said she hadn't answered my previous one, and asked if I should make other plans. After she didn't respond in five or six hours, I decided to end it. She'd caused me too much grief; I couldn't hold on to hope any longer, possibilities or not. I had saved every text message she'd sent me - there were many, and I deleted them all. Then I deleted her number from my cell phone; I didn't want to be reminded, let alone tempted. And I erased her e-mails from GMail, even clearing them permanently from the trash.
As I sat reflecting on it all, she texted me back. She said sorry she didn't respond, but she had to see what her weekend was going to look like. She was going to work most of the weekend, so she guessed I should make some plans.
This time, I didn't spend much time analyzing what she was probably thinking. There were too many problems. She'd left me hanging needlessly twice before - once even before we'd met. She hardly asked me any questions when we were together. How could I mention my career, best friend, and seeing my favorite band without her asking a single question about any of it? And I'd never seen her two weeks in a row. If she couldn't find an hour or two so she could see me twice in two weeks (or at least return my calls, or suggest an alternate time), then she clearly wasn't interested enough, whether she came out and said it or not.
Despite my efforts, I always have a pathetic time dealing with uncertainty about these things, so I didn't want to leave the door ajar. Not even a little. So I replied. "Actually, I had already deleted your number. Good luck."
And so it ended.
The truth of the matter is that I should have stopped seeing this person after our second date. There were plenty of signs that it wasn't likely to last. But the other half of the story is what you already know: I actually needed the practice, so it was worth it. The only mistake was getting emotionally involved, but it's hard to avoid that when you're coming from where I started.
I gained a lot from the experience. By dating someone who did some things right and other things wrong, I learned what to eventually look for in a relationship, and I learned the signs that it's not going to work. I gained an understanding of what those (lucky) normal people who have relationships go through when one ends. Even though this girl ended up driving me crazy, to the point that I didn't even like her by the time I said my final goodbye, I still felt a little sad about it. There's just something about seeing the end of a connection with someone you shared hope and experiences with....this after a mere three months and four dates, so I can only imagine what it's like to end a serious relationship.
All of this may sound bleak, but it's not - at least, not entirely. My work is paying off! Considering I was 23 years old and had never even been on one date, it's amazing to have anything remotely resembling a break-up to tell you about.
I sent her one last text. I said she hadn't answered my previous one, and asked if I should make other plans. After she didn't respond in five or six hours, I decided to end it. She'd caused me too much grief; I couldn't hold on to hope any longer, possibilities or not. I had saved every text message she'd sent me - there were many, and I deleted them all. Then I deleted her number from my cell phone; I didn't want to be reminded, let alone tempted. And I erased her e-mails from GMail, even clearing them permanently from the trash.
As I sat reflecting on it all, she texted me back. She said sorry she didn't respond, but she had to see what her weekend was going to look like. She was going to work most of the weekend, so she guessed I should make some plans.
This time, I didn't spend much time analyzing what she was probably thinking. There were too many problems. She'd left me hanging needlessly twice before - once even before we'd met. She hardly asked me any questions when we were together. How could I mention my career, best friend, and seeing my favorite band without her asking a single question about any of it? And I'd never seen her two weeks in a row. If she couldn't find an hour or two so she could see me twice in two weeks (or at least return my calls, or suggest an alternate time), then she clearly wasn't interested enough, whether she came out and said it or not.
Despite my efforts, I always have a pathetic time dealing with uncertainty about these things, so I didn't want to leave the door ajar. Not even a little. So I replied. "Actually, I had already deleted your number. Good luck."
And so it ended.
The truth of the matter is that I should have stopped seeing this person after our second date. There were plenty of signs that it wasn't likely to last. But the other half of the story is what you already know: I actually needed the practice, so it was worth it. The only mistake was getting emotionally involved, but it's hard to avoid that when you're coming from where I started.
I gained a lot from the experience. By dating someone who did some things right and other things wrong, I learned what to eventually look for in a relationship, and I learned the signs that it's not going to work. I gained an understanding of what those (lucky) normal people who have relationships go through when one ends. Even though this girl ended up driving me crazy, to the point that I didn't even like her by the time I said my final goodbye, I still felt a little sad about it. There's just something about seeing the end of a connection with someone you shared hope and experiences with....this after a mere three months and four dates, so I can only imagine what it's like to end a serious relationship.
All of this may sound bleak, but it's not - at least, not entirely. My work is paying off! Considering I was 23 years old and had never even been on one date, it's amazing to have anything remotely resembling a break-up to tell you about.
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