For a while, I thought I had this thing licked. In the final weeks of 2007, I had more dates than I had time to write about. I could easily say they all went between "pretty well" and "fantastic" - certainly a far cry from what I described in the early days of the mission - but somehow, I ended up being snubbed by all four women.
Amazing.
In the spirit of metaphors about falling off of horses and all that, I simply kept going. After feeling an entirely new brand of confidence after my date with Bina, it seemed as if the tremendous improvement I'd made since July had to be enough. I'd put my heart and soul into changing my life, and finally, it must have been time for my efforts to be rewarded. The mission was always about more, but now I knew what I wanted: a girlfriend.
And so I kept dating.
Date #49
On a Wednesday night after work, I met Vickie, a girl I'd been e-mailing after we met on eHarmony a while ago. I'd done little preparation and strategizing, instead thinking that I need not do so anymore. I realized my error almost immediately, as my greeting - "Heyyy Vickie" - came out sounding soft and weak, like it typically does at work. I hadn't intentionally projected my voice from the outset, which is one of the few tricks I've discovered that works with surprising consistency.
As we sat and talked over coffee, I was moderately inhibited. I tried to break out of it by connecting my true personality to my voice, but oddly, there seemed to be something physically wrong this time. I was still getting over a cold, and the antihistamine I'd taken affected my throat and thus my speaking ability.
Nonetheless, I improved. I'd had a few conversation topics planned as usual, and made a concerted effort to entertain, which is something that I've come to look forward to and enjoy, as if it were a challenge, or even a sport. When my question about Vickie's job as a Physician Assistant led to her telling me about minor medical problems, I skillfully shifted the conversation and made a joke by adding, in a loose, uninhibited voice, "Spoken like a true physician assistant!"
At first, Vickie hadn't asked me many questions; it seemed as if she were just asking a few things to be polite and make conversation. After I started to improve, though, I'd managed to find a topic we both had plenty to say about, and lo and behold: we were now having a good conversation. I was relaxed and joking when she asked, out-of-the-blue, "So do you live alone?"
I knew then that she had become interested in me, and so the question had suddenly become relevant.
When we parted ways, she said, "Well I had a good time. Let me know if you want to get together again."
I had succeeded in turning around both my inhibition and my date's interest level after a rocky start. Still, though, I knew that she wasn't really my type - something that I've come to understand after dating dozens of women - so I didn't plan to ask her out again.
Date #50
After being matched on eHarmony and exchanging short e-mails for over a month, I gave Bridgette a call after the holidays. I bumbled a sentence or two, but managed to make a humorous comment after a few minutes. We planned to arrange to finally meet the next week.
I had felt very stiff on the phone and figured my anxiety showed, but I soon learned that I had nothing to worry about. Bridgette sent me an e-mail:
"Thanks for call! Hopefully we can meet up soon! Have a great week!"
I then realized that she'd probably been just as nervous and self-conscious as I'd been. I also remembered her first eHarmony message, in which she'd asked a question based on something in my profile in order to relate to me and start a conversation. It was striking because I've done that all the time, but had never noticed women doing the same.
She sent me a text on Friday, asking if I wanted to get coffee or a drink over the weekend. She was asking me out. I'd never done a blind date on a Saturday, but if she was willing to ask me out, I was certainly willing to devote some weekend time to meeting her.
Starbucks.
She looked just like her pictures, except that her enormous green eyes were a remarkable sight in person.
This time, I stuck to my plan. I projected my voice intentionally, and was off to a good start. As we waited, she asked if I'd done anything the night before. I had anticipated the question, and had a joke prepared; it had been six degrees outside that night, so I said calmly, "Oh, yeah. It was such a nice night, I just laid outside underneath the stars..."
Now, I was not bumbling. The joke was executed perfectly.
She reached in her purse, and I pulled out a bill to pay for the drinks and said, "I got it." She asked if I was sure, and I took it as a subtle indicator that she must have been a little nervous: no one else had ever said that at Starbucks.
As we sat and talked, I felt a nervous tension in my body. It was like that which we became all too familiar with in the early days of this blog, but now, I had more control. I felt tense, but what was there to actually stop me from saying and doing whatever came to mind? From simply being myself?
We hadn't had much of a conversation online, and I really wasn't sure if we had much in common. The easiest thing to talk about was our jobs, but I felt as if that were boring, and that I was spending too much time on it. Bridgette wasn't asking many questions, and I started to feel early on that she wasn't interested. I did my best to stay present instead of thinking about it, but with the tension, thinking of things to say was difficult. Even when asked a basic question about my job, it took me several moments to think of the words for even a basic description of what I do every day!
Instead of letting the tension translate to inhibition, I forced myself to take on my uninhibited persona. For the most part, it worked: I was able to project my voice well, and say whatever came to mind. When my date asked if I had any pets, I played my usual game of giving her three guesses before admitting to having a frog. Telling a beautiful 26-year-old woman about a pet frog would seem a little intimidating, but I went on to tell her the story of how he got his name. Instead of just spouting off preprepared questions like in an interview, I was able to sound natural, such as when I prefaced a question with "I know I already asked you this [online], but..."
By now, my personality was showing through, even though the tension remained. I thought of some humorous questions and comments, and even managed to do a little friendly teasing. When she mentioned the intelligence of one of her pet cats, I briefly told her the story of Christian the Lion, telling her that she had to see the YouTube video for herself. In effort to keep the conversation going, I asked her about Feycebook, and then showed her one of my cards. She said it was super nerdy. I exclaimed, "Oh yeah!", giving her a high-five. I didn't think she found the nerdiness at all attractive - she even said it was a little creepy - but I consciously decided to just let go and be myself.
Eventually, the inevitable silence occurred. After experiencing freedom from inhibition in earlier days, I had decided that no silence need be awkward. Instead, all that was necessary was to share your present thoughts or feelings with the other person. I remembered what one of my many dates from the past year had said, and so I repeated it:
"Lets see.....what else can I ask you..."
I asked if she had any tattoos to get the conversation going again, but I had been asking almost all of the questions. We'd been together close to an hour, and yet, she hadn't really learned any of the interesting facts about me - from the dancing, to the acting, to the rock climbing or Miami trip - simply because she hadn't asked. It seemed obvious that she simply wasn't interested, and I figured she was just trying to wait out the date to be polite.
Soon, I said - with uninhibited voice inflection - "Well, I don't know what else you have planned today, so I won't hold you."
She reminded me that she was going to the furniture store, which prompted me to tell her one more thing about my job. There was a brief exchange, and then she stood up.
Walking out to the car with her, I wondered what I'd done wrong. I realized that even though I'd felt a little tense, I had mostly managed to be myself anyway. Why was she so uninterested? Was it physical attraction? I knew I looked even better in person, so I was hopelessly confused. What had she been expecting?
It wasn't at all surprising, but she didn't say she had a good time. Instead, she said only, "Well, thanks for coming out."
I told her to have fun at the furniture store, and - just for the hell of it - said I'd talk to her later. She didn't say anything in response, seemingly so as not to even feign the slightest bit of interest.
I was sure that I would never see her again, but for some reason, I liked her anyway. I thought about sending her some sort of e-mail that would hopefully lead to us being friends. Ultimately, I ended up just sending her the link to the Christian the Lion video, without any words.
Date #51
After my date with Bridgette, I wasn't too upset. I had always thought it would be funny to have multiple dates with different women on the same day, and finally, that day had arrived. In a few more hours, I was to meet Tiffany - another girl from eHarmony - at a Starbucks in the state bordering mine.
I was extremely optimistic about Tiffany. We'd hit it off in our online conversation, which quickly turned romantic with genuine compliments a little lighthearted flirting. She'd written me long, upbeat messages, replete with exclamation marks and smileys. I thought that this was the girl I was going to marry.
I'd thought the same about several other girls I met during the mission, and, well, I don't have to tell you how those ended up.
She walked into Starbucks and said hello. I gave her a hug, and she asked if I was going out tonight, since I'd mentioned that I only had a few hours free that day.
I stumbled only slightly, answering the question in such a way as to avoid telling her that I'd been on another date earlier, and that I was going out to SuperBar alone hoping to meet girls later. Immediately, my confident, uninhibited persona started to show.
And it never let up.
I started to make conversation, asking a few questions like where she worked. She gave some short answers, and then when her phone rang, she answered it.
It was her dad calling about her mom's impending arrival in the city, but she didn't apologize or excuse herself.
I asked if she wanted to go get some food, and we did. I was as relaxed and confident as ever, perhaps because Tiffany didn't look or sound quite the way I expected, and was already turning me off with the poor manners.
As I drove, I continued to make conversation, but my date acted like a dead fish. At one point, I asked if she knew the clubs in Miami, since it's one of her favorite places, but instead of answering, she told me to make a left turn, and never returned to my question.
As we ate, things did not change. She answered her phone again, and was only minimally responsive to me, asking only one or two questions the entire time. I was annoyed, and started thinking to myself how much I disliked the girl - which was a lot. Still, though, I intentionally remained gentlemanly and upbeat, continuing to practice my skill of entertaining. I was able to get her to joke around a little - probably an overstatement - by talking about a topic she was very interested in (Barack Obama), but it wasn't nearly enough to salvage the horrendous date.
When I dropped her off, she thanked me for dinner, and told me to have a safe drive - all with minimal emotion. I had been at my best with her, carrying on the same personality as online, but Tiffany acted as if she practically resented hanging out with me for a couple hours. What could she have possibly been expecting? I was confused.
As soon as I arrived home, I deleted her number from my phone.
_______________
Now that I've been staying so busy, my time for posting here has been limited. I haven't published all of the posts that I've written, and there is in fact a partially-written New Years Resolution post hanging around. Spoiler alert!!! One of the items on that list is "Abandon online dating." After my spectacular dating failure on this day, I finally wanted to really give it up.
When I logged in to cancel my eHarmony membership, I noticed that Tiffany had viewed my profile a couple days after our date. The next day, she again did same. Surely, she couldn't have been interested, hoping that I would ask her out again?
I virtually despised this girl for acting the way she did on our date, so it didn't matter. But there was still the matter of Bridgette, who for some reason I liked a lot and e-mailed the link, hoping we could somehow become friends.
I checked my e-mail.
Amazing.
In the spirit of metaphors about falling off of horses and all that, I simply kept going. After feeling an entirely new brand of confidence after my date with Bina, it seemed as if the tremendous improvement I'd made since July had to be enough. I'd put my heart and soul into changing my life, and finally, it must have been time for my efforts to be rewarded. The mission was always about more, but now I knew what I wanted: a girlfriend.
And so I kept dating.
Date #49
On a Wednesday night after work, I met Vickie, a girl I'd been e-mailing after we met on eHarmony a while ago. I'd done little preparation and strategizing, instead thinking that I need not do so anymore. I realized my error almost immediately, as my greeting - "Heyyy Vickie" - came out sounding soft and weak, like it typically does at work. I hadn't intentionally projected my voice from the outset, which is one of the few tricks I've discovered that works with surprising consistency.
As we sat and talked over coffee, I was moderately inhibited. I tried to break out of it by connecting my true personality to my voice, but oddly, there seemed to be something physically wrong this time. I was still getting over a cold, and the antihistamine I'd taken affected my throat and thus my speaking ability.
Nonetheless, I improved. I'd had a few conversation topics planned as usual, and made a concerted effort to entertain, which is something that I've come to look forward to and enjoy, as if it were a challenge, or even a sport. When my question about Vickie's job as a Physician Assistant led to her telling me about minor medical problems, I skillfully shifted the conversation and made a joke by adding, in a loose, uninhibited voice, "Spoken like a true physician assistant!"
At first, Vickie hadn't asked me many questions; it seemed as if she were just asking a few things to be polite and make conversation. After I started to improve, though, I'd managed to find a topic we both had plenty to say about, and lo and behold: we were now having a good conversation. I was relaxed and joking when she asked, out-of-the-blue, "So do you live alone?"
I knew then that she had become interested in me, and so the question had suddenly become relevant.
When we parted ways, she said, "Well I had a good time. Let me know if you want to get together again."
I had succeeded in turning around both my inhibition and my date's interest level after a rocky start. Still, though, I knew that she wasn't really my type - something that I've come to understand after dating dozens of women - so I didn't plan to ask her out again.
Date #50
After being matched on eHarmony and exchanging short e-mails for over a month, I gave Bridgette a call after the holidays. I bumbled a sentence or two, but managed to make a humorous comment after a few minutes. We planned to arrange to finally meet the next week.
I had felt very stiff on the phone and figured my anxiety showed, but I soon learned that I had nothing to worry about. Bridgette sent me an e-mail:
"Thanks for call! Hopefully we can meet up soon! Have a great week!"
I then realized that she'd probably been just as nervous and self-conscious as I'd been. I also remembered her first eHarmony message, in which she'd asked a question based on something in my profile in order to relate to me and start a conversation. It was striking because I've done that all the time, but had never noticed women doing the same.
She sent me a text on Friday, asking if I wanted to get coffee or a drink over the weekend. She was asking me out. I'd never done a blind date on a Saturday, but if she was willing to ask me out, I was certainly willing to devote some weekend time to meeting her.
Starbucks.
She looked just like her pictures, except that her enormous green eyes were a remarkable sight in person.
This time, I stuck to my plan. I projected my voice intentionally, and was off to a good start. As we waited, she asked if I'd done anything the night before. I had anticipated the question, and had a joke prepared; it had been six degrees outside that night, so I said calmly, "Oh, yeah. It was such a nice night, I just laid outside underneath the stars..."
Now, I was not bumbling. The joke was executed perfectly.
She reached in her purse, and I pulled out a bill to pay for the drinks and said, "I got it." She asked if I was sure, and I took it as a subtle indicator that she must have been a little nervous: no one else had ever said that at Starbucks.
As we sat and talked, I felt a nervous tension in my body. It was like that which we became all too familiar with in the early days of this blog, but now, I had more control. I felt tense, but what was there to actually stop me from saying and doing whatever came to mind? From simply being myself?
We hadn't had much of a conversation online, and I really wasn't sure if we had much in common. The easiest thing to talk about was our jobs, but I felt as if that were boring, and that I was spending too much time on it. Bridgette wasn't asking many questions, and I started to feel early on that she wasn't interested. I did my best to stay present instead of thinking about it, but with the tension, thinking of things to say was difficult. Even when asked a basic question about my job, it took me several moments to think of the words for even a basic description of what I do every day!
Instead of letting the tension translate to inhibition, I forced myself to take on my uninhibited persona. For the most part, it worked: I was able to project my voice well, and say whatever came to mind. When my date asked if I had any pets, I played my usual game of giving her three guesses before admitting to having a frog. Telling a beautiful 26-year-old woman about a pet frog would seem a little intimidating, but I went on to tell her the story of how he got his name. Instead of just spouting off preprepared questions like in an interview, I was able to sound natural, such as when I prefaced a question with "I know I already asked you this [online], but..."
By now, my personality was showing through, even though the tension remained. I thought of some humorous questions and comments, and even managed to do a little friendly teasing. When she mentioned the intelligence of one of her pet cats, I briefly told her the story of Christian the Lion, telling her that she had to see the YouTube video for herself. In effort to keep the conversation going, I asked her about Feycebook, and then showed her one of my cards. She said it was super nerdy. I exclaimed, "Oh yeah!", giving her a high-five. I didn't think she found the nerdiness at all attractive - she even said it was a little creepy - but I consciously decided to just let go and be myself.
Eventually, the inevitable silence occurred. After experiencing freedom from inhibition in earlier days, I had decided that no silence need be awkward. Instead, all that was necessary was to share your present thoughts or feelings with the other person. I remembered what one of my many dates from the past year had said, and so I repeated it:
"Lets see.....what else can I ask you..."
I asked if she had any tattoos to get the conversation going again, but I had been asking almost all of the questions. We'd been together close to an hour, and yet, she hadn't really learned any of the interesting facts about me - from the dancing, to the acting, to the rock climbing or Miami trip - simply because she hadn't asked. It seemed obvious that she simply wasn't interested, and I figured she was just trying to wait out the date to be polite.
Soon, I said - with uninhibited voice inflection - "Well, I don't know what else you have planned today, so I won't hold you."
She reminded me that she was going to the furniture store, which prompted me to tell her one more thing about my job. There was a brief exchange, and then she stood up.
Walking out to the car with her, I wondered what I'd done wrong. I realized that even though I'd felt a little tense, I had mostly managed to be myself anyway. Why was she so uninterested? Was it physical attraction? I knew I looked even better in person, so I was hopelessly confused. What had she been expecting?
It wasn't at all surprising, but she didn't say she had a good time. Instead, she said only, "Well, thanks for coming out."
I told her to have fun at the furniture store, and - just for the hell of it - said I'd talk to her later. She didn't say anything in response, seemingly so as not to even feign the slightest bit of interest.
I was sure that I would never see her again, but for some reason, I liked her anyway. I thought about sending her some sort of e-mail that would hopefully lead to us being friends. Ultimately, I ended up just sending her the link to the Christian the Lion video, without any words.
Date #51
After my date with Bridgette, I wasn't too upset. I had always thought it would be funny to have multiple dates with different women on the same day, and finally, that day had arrived. In a few more hours, I was to meet Tiffany - another girl from eHarmony - at a Starbucks in the state bordering mine.
I was extremely optimistic about Tiffany. We'd hit it off in our online conversation, which quickly turned romantic with genuine compliments a little lighthearted flirting. She'd written me long, upbeat messages, replete with exclamation marks and smileys. I thought that this was the girl I was going to marry.
I'd thought the same about several other girls I met during the mission, and, well, I don't have to tell you how those ended up.
She walked into Starbucks and said hello. I gave her a hug, and she asked if I was going out tonight, since I'd mentioned that I only had a few hours free that day.
I stumbled only slightly, answering the question in such a way as to avoid telling her that I'd been on another date earlier, and that I was going out to SuperBar alone hoping to meet girls later. Immediately, my confident, uninhibited persona started to show.
And it never let up.
I started to make conversation, asking a few questions like where she worked. She gave some short answers, and then when her phone rang, she answered it.
It was her dad calling about her mom's impending arrival in the city, but she didn't apologize or excuse herself.
I asked if she wanted to go get some food, and we did. I was as relaxed and confident as ever, perhaps because Tiffany didn't look or sound quite the way I expected, and was already turning me off with the poor manners.
As I drove, I continued to make conversation, but my date acted like a dead fish. At one point, I asked if she knew the clubs in Miami, since it's one of her favorite places, but instead of answering, she told me to make a left turn, and never returned to my question.
As we ate, things did not change. She answered her phone again, and was only minimally responsive to me, asking only one or two questions the entire time. I was annoyed, and started thinking to myself how much I disliked the girl - which was a lot. Still, though, I intentionally remained gentlemanly and upbeat, continuing to practice my skill of entertaining. I was able to get her to joke around a little - probably an overstatement - by talking about a topic she was very interested in (Barack Obama), but it wasn't nearly enough to salvage the horrendous date.
When I dropped her off, she thanked me for dinner, and told me to have a safe drive - all with minimal emotion. I had been at my best with her, carrying on the same personality as online, but Tiffany acted as if she practically resented hanging out with me for a couple hours. What could she have possibly been expecting? I was confused.
As soon as I arrived home, I deleted her number from my phone.
_______________
Now that I've been staying so busy, my time for posting here has been limited. I haven't published all of the posts that I've written, and there is in fact a partially-written New Years Resolution post hanging around. Spoiler alert!!! One of the items on that list is "Abandon online dating." After my spectacular dating failure on this day, I finally wanted to really give it up.
When I logged in to cancel my eHarmony membership, I noticed that Tiffany had viewed my profile a couple days after our date. The next day, she again did same. Surely, she couldn't have been interested, hoping that I would ask her out again?
I virtually despised this girl for acting the way she did on our date, so it didn't matter. But there was still the matter of Bridgette, who for some reason I liked a lot and e-mailed the link, hoping we could somehow become friends.
I checked my e-mail.
Super cool!!
I saw an animal planet show about an orphaned rhino being raised by a woman, and how they were friends for life even after the rhino went back to the wild. I tried to find it on youtube, but no luck.
Good meeting you finally, after a yearrrrrrr!!
I'm in town next week if you're around for a drink.
B
I was confused, but overjoyed to the point of jumping out of my chair. It's amazing to think that you can completely lift someone's spirits by simply suggesting meeting up for a drink.
Simple, powerful, and beautiful.
Simple, powerful, and beautiful.
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