Even though I had no real social life to speak of in the years before the mission, I did have a couple of romantic pursuers over the years. With them, the issue was not my shyness; rather, I was simply not interested. I was relaxed when pursued by a girl I was not interested in, but completely inhibited with the ones I liked. Quite the dilemma.
Back then, I wondered what it would be like for a girl I actually liked to pursue me the way a couple of others did. With the girls asking for my phone number, complimenting me, calling me, inviting me out and so on, how could I possibly be inhibited? In those rare cases, I could do no wrong! I started to think that the solution to my lifelong problem of shyness was to simply luck up, crossing paths with a girl I'd like who thought I was as great as the other few did.
It turns out that Bina, the woman who made the first move at SuperBar, is just like those few girls who were so interested in me back in college and high school. After our first date, she called me after three days. She sent me a text on Christmas, and then many more afterwards in efforts to set up another get-together. Partly because of our 10 year age difference, though, my interest was minimal - just like back in school. This time, though, I decided to give it a try. It would be a learning experience, at the least, and why shouldn't I give her a chance to make me fall in love with her?
And so arose the forty-eighth date of the mission.
___________________________
With Bina, I never feel even a smidgeon of anxiety in person, on the phone, or in any other situation. Simply put, you can't be anxious with a person with whom you believe you can do no wrong. After picking her up and driving to the restaurant, I felt no change. Instead, I was my now-oft described relaxed, uninhibited, entertaining self, effortlessly thinking of things to say.
As we sat and talked next to the Hibachi grill, Bina's lack of confidence with me was obvious. She was very talkative, happy, and excited to be with me, but it was as if she thought I was some kind of celebrity out of her league. As we talked, she was compelled to check appearance using a compact. She mirrored my behaviors by eating when and how I ate and things like that - normal signs that someone likes you - but worried too much about offending me. From my perspective, she had nothing to worry about in that respect. Still, though, when I told her that I was going to wash my hands because I was afraid of catching another cold, she said she hoped I didn't mind that she wasn't concerned herself. When I returned from the bathroom, she'd apparently thought it over, and decided that she should wash her hands too in case it bothered me. Worst of all, when I stood up to go to the bathroom, she jokingly told me not to jump out of the window to get away.
As it turns out, this degree of diffidence is very unattractive - even in a woman. I was genuinely turned off.
As we were eating, I noticed a girl at another table looking at us and smirking. She pointed us out to her male companion, and it was obvious that a comment was being made about the age difference between myself and my date. I knew to ignore the onlookers, who were way out of line, but the little incident certainly didn't help matters.
After dinner, we headed over to a bowling alley around the corner. I was completely at ease, and noticed that I was able to keep joking and entertaining even while checking out the action going around in the rest of the room. I felt as if I was doing next to nothing - and really, I was - but my date was smiling, laughing, and obviously having more fun than anyone else I've ever been out with. She kept giving me little hugs to cheer me up after several gutter balls and other pathetic attempts (I'm not much of a bowler!). At some point, she joked that she would give me the magic touch by holding my hand before my turn. Lo and behold, I bowled a strike on my next try! She then turned it into a ritual, coming to sit next to me and holding my hand before each turn. In the forty seven dates before this, I'd scarcely even touched my dates, but Bina couldn't keep her hands off of me.
When we arrived back at her place, she invited me in - another rarity. After I took a seat on the sofa, she said she'd be right back. I heard her running up the stairs to get a heater and return to me as quickly as possible. She was 35 years old and would be my boss if we worked at the same company, but with me, she reverted to being a lovestruck schoolgirl.
As we sat on the sofa and chatted, I knew that I could do whatever I wanted. For the first time in my life, I was experiencing absolute, unadulterated confidence. I was experiencing the powerful feeling of knowing that another human being would submit to me in any way I wished. I could say or do anything. Perhaps partly because of this emotion, I felt physically attracted to Bina, who was about a foot away.
After 10 minutes or so, I said that I'd better head home and get ready for work. As Bina disarmed the security system and opened the front door for me, I sensed concealed disappointment.
It was time to make a decision, and so I did.
In a softer, sweeter, slower voice, I stated my usual "Alright...have a good night."
I had decided to keep my options open.
I placed my right hand on Bina's waist, leaned in, and kissed her. Whether or not I was interested, my body recognized that I was a boy and she was a girl, and reacted accordingly.
The kiss lingered for a couple of seconds before I pulled away. Without thinking, I then put my left arm around Bina to hug her. In silence, she responded slowly, pausing between movements as she made the motions to hug me back. It was as if she were confused: she had been mesmerized by my kiss.
Without a word, I walked out the door.
Back then, I wondered what it would be like for a girl I actually liked to pursue me the way a couple of others did. With the girls asking for my phone number, complimenting me, calling me, inviting me out and so on, how could I possibly be inhibited? In those rare cases, I could do no wrong! I started to think that the solution to my lifelong problem of shyness was to simply luck up, crossing paths with a girl I'd like who thought I was as great as the other few did.
It turns out that Bina, the woman who made the first move at SuperBar, is just like those few girls who were so interested in me back in college and high school. After our first date, she called me after three days. She sent me a text on Christmas, and then many more afterwards in efforts to set up another get-together. Partly because of our 10 year age difference, though, my interest was minimal - just like back in school. This time, though, I decided to give it a try. It would be a learning experience, at the least, and why shouldn't I give her a chance to make me fall in love with her?
And so arose the forty-eighth date of the mission.
___________________________
With Bina, I never feel even a smidgeon of anxiety in person, on the phone, or in any other situation. Simply put, you can't be anxious with a person with whom you believe you can do no wrong. After picking her up and driving to the restaurant, I felt no change. Instead, I was my now-oft described relaxed, uninhibited, entertaining self, effortlessly thinking of things to say.
As we sat and talked next to the Hibachi grill, Bina's lack of confidence with me was obvious. She was very talkative, happy, and excited to be with me, but it was as if she thought I was some kind of celebrity out of her league. As we talked, she was compelled to check appearance using a compact. She mirrored my behaviors by eating when and how I ate and things like that - normal signs that someone likes you - but worried too much about offending me. From my perspective, she had nothing to worry about in that respect. Still, though, when I told her that I was going to wash my hands because I was afraid of catching another cold, she said she hoped I didn't mind that she wasn't concerned herself. When I returned from the bathroom, she'd apparently thought it over, and decided that she should wash her hands too in case it bothered me. Worst of all, when I stood up to go to the bathroom, she jokingly told me not to jump out of the window to get away.
As it turns out, this degree of diffidence is very unattractive - even in a woman. I was genuinely turned off.
As we were eating, I noticed a girl at another table looking at us and smirking. She pointed us out to her male companion, and it was obvious that a comment was being made about the age difference between myself and my date. I knew to ignore the onlookers, who were way out of line, but the little incident certainly didn't help matters.
After dinner, we headed over to a bowling alley around the corner. I was completely at ease, and noticed that I was able to keep joking and entertaining even while checking out the action going around in the rest of the room. I felt as if I was doing next to nothing - and really, I was - but my date was smiling, laughing, and obviously having more fun than anyone else I've ever been out with. She kept giving me little hugs to cheer me up after several gutter balls and other pathetic attempts (I'm not much of a bowler!). At some point, she joked that she would give me the magic touch by holding my hand before my turn. Lo and behold, I bowled a strike on my next try! She then turned it into a ritual, coming to sit next to me and holding my hand before each turn. In the forty seven dates before this, I'd scarcely even touched my dates, but Bina couldn't keep her hands off of me.
When we arrived back at her place, she invited me in - another rarity. After I took a seat on the sofa, she said she'd be right back. I heard her running up the stairs to get a heater and return to me as quickly as possible. She was 35 years old and would be my boss if we worked at the same company, but with me, she reverted to being a lovestruck schoolgirl.
As we sat on the sofa and chatted, I knew that I could do whatever I wanted. For the first time in my life, I was experiencing absolute, unadulterated confidence. I was experiencing the powerful feeling of knowing that another human being would submit to me in any way I wished. I could say or do anything. Perhaps partly because of this emotion, I felt physically attracted to Bina, who was about a foot away.
After 10 minutes or so, I said that I'd better head home and get ready for work. As Bina disarmed the security system and opened the front door for me, I sensed concealed disappointment.
It was time to make a decision, and so I did.
In a softer, sweeter, slower voice, I stated my usual "Alright...have a good night."
I had decided to keep my options open.
I placed my right hand on Bina's waist, leaned in, and kissed her. Whether or not I was interested, my body recognized that I was a boy and she was a girl, and reacted accordingly.
The kiss lingered for a couple of seconds before I pulled away. Without thinking, I then put my left arm around Bina to hug her. In silence, she responded slowly, pausing between movements as she made the motions to hug me back. It was as if she were confused: she had been mesmerized by my kiss.
Without a word, I walked out the door.
3 comments:
Hey, it's been a while since i've commented! I still read your blog frequently and still love it. It seems like you've had a lot of success in the past year and i'm really happy for you. I have one tiny suggestion about this post...feel free to ignore it, it's just one opinion out of thousands. From your post it seems like you're not very interested in this woman, and well, if you're not interested maybe you shouldn't be asking her out, and leading her on, getting her hopes high. To you, she may just be someone to get practice with and boost your confidence. But for her, you may be someone she's falling in love with...
I wish you well on your mission and hope this year brings great things for you...and for me for that matter, since i'm still struggling with my own shyness and social anxiety! :(
I have never commented on your blog before, but I will start by saying that I think what you've done is awesome. Sometimes people are content to just ignore the things they don't like about their lives, so whenever I see someone who is willing to face it head on, I am very impressed.
That being said, I agree with the previous commenter. You are treading on douche bag territory with this one. Can you honestly tell yourself that you may be interested in this girl beyond a few dates? I know from reading many of your posts that girls have done this to you, and didn't it drive you crazy? Why would you want to do this to someone else? This girl is obviously into you, and the kindest thing you can do for her is to cut her loose so that she can find someone else who reciprocates her interest.
Hey, it's great to hear from you both! Well, where to start....
Lately, I've been a bit confused. It's unusual for me, because I tend to be very self-aware.
Despite how it may sound, I never had any intention of leading Bina on, or using her in any way for practice or otherwise. When I realized our age difference during our first date, I thought about not going any further with her. Then later at dinner when she asked - with a great expression of concern on her face - if I was having a good time, I felt really bad about it.
I might have let it go anyway after the first date, but she kept sending me texts. Lots of them. I told her I had a cold, and she sent me warm, concerned well-wishes. She kept checking back to see if I was better, and then asked if I was well enough to see a movie with her - she really, really wanted to see me.
This is where I started thinking. As you both know, most of the people I've met - dates and even people I've tried to just be friends with - have just ended up completely ignoring me. I do my best, both some of those snubs really do hurt. Now I'd found someone who was the complete opposite - someone who treated me great! Not only that, but we had some things in common I'd never had with anyone else, like both being software engineers.
Still, there was the age difference. I didn't know what to make of it - certainly she was as aware of it as I. I started thinking that maybe I was looking at things the wrong way. Maybe I didn't have to look at the potential of one day marrying her. Maybe there was nothing wrong with just going out and enjoying the present time together without worrying about all of that. Maybe this was what "dating" was really about. Maybe she would even end up making me fall in love with her anyway, and it could work. After all, there was Ashton and Demi.
The last part seemed a little far-fetched, but all things considered, I thought I'd give it a try. Even as recently as this afternoon, the idea of giving it a chance kept growing on me. It was fun to have someone text me at work and stuff like that.
But you're both right. Ultimately, there's really no way I will want to permanently be with a woman who will be 40 when I'm 29. In reality, she probably imagines being with me in the long-term just like I did with Autumn and too many others. I know what it's like to be disappointed like that, so I will let her go now. Unlike so many of the women I've met, though, I will never ignore anyone.
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