Well, winners never quit, and quitters never win. So despite the enormous frustration I'm starting to feel after going on seventeen dates and having nothing tangible to show for it (like, say, a girlfriend), I'm keeping at it....
Last night was #18. I'd e-mailed this girl (from match.com) for several weeks, and we seemed to have good conversation through that medium. But would it continue once we saw each other in person, where I didn't have unlimited time to think of things to say?
I was quite anxious as the clock ticked closer to 8:30 - the time at which our relationship would begin at Starbucks. Maybe more than usual, because of the emotions from the last outcome I talked about, and because I was....wearing a little make-up (to make a long story short, don't EVER squeeze a pimple).
As usual, my anxiety diminished almost completely after we'd exchanged the initial greetings. From there, it was a lot more of the same - in a way, the date showed that I really am sharpening the skills I've written about in so many past entries. When I thought of something to say, I just said it, without even giving inhibition the time to get in my way. This was especially helpful this time around, because I had some oddball, hopefully fun topics in mind. For example, after asking my usual question "do you believe in anything supernatural?", I followed it up by asking what she would do if she saw an alien spaceship. It was good- it made her think, and we were able to talk about it for a couple minutes instead of just moving on to the next topic after a brief or binary (yes or no) answer. And I tied it into a news article about UFO sightings. General conversation skill, but I hadn't really tried it before. I even challenged her to a game of rock-paper-scissors, in which she was pretty enthusiastic about partaking.
Unlike many of the girls I've gone out with, this one actually asked a normal amount of reciprocal questions (what the heck is wrong with the others?). And more - she lots of questions about me. Lo and behold! With two people asking each other open-ended questions, it seemed a lot more like we were having a normal, good conversation, instead of like me being an interviewer.
Last night was #18. I'd e-mailed this girl (from match.com) for several weeks, and we seemed to have good conversation through that medium. But would it continue once we saw each other in person, where I didn't have unlimited time to think of things to say?
I was quite anxious as the clock ticked closer to 8:30 - the time at which our relationship would begin at Starbucks. Maybe more than usual, because of the emotions from the last outcome I talked about, and because I was....wearing a little make-up (to make a long story short, don't EVER squeeze a pimple).
As usual, my anxiety diminished almost completely after we'd exchanged the initial greetings. From there, it was a lot more of the same - in a way, the date showed that I really am sharpening the skills I've written about in so many past entries. When I thought of something to say, I just said it, without even giving inhibition the time to get in my way. This was especially helpful this time around, because I had some oddball, hopefully fun topics in mind. For example, after asking my usual question "do you believe in anything supernatural?", I followed it up by asking what she would do if she saw an alien spaceship. It was good- it made her think, and we were able to talk about it for a couple minutes instead of just moving on to the next topic after a brief or binary (yes or no) answer. And I tied it into a news article about UFO sightings. General conversation skill, but I hadn't really tried it before. I even challenged her to a game of rock-paper-scissors, in which she was pretty enthusiastic about partaking.
Unlike many of the girls I've gone out with, this one actually asked a normal amount of reciprocal questions (what the heck is wrong with the others?). And more - she lots of questions about me. Lo and behold! With two people asking each other open-ended questions, it seemed a lot more like we were having a normal, good conversation, instead of like me being an interviewer.
But alas. I wasn't 100% myself here. I was generally tense. The tension seemed to reach my voice, causing it to sound a little weird like I talked about before (the "voice thing" - oh, the pain!). I didn't allow inhibition to stop me from thinking of things to say, but inhibition was still present. I wasn't relaxed enough to laugh loudly or anything you could imagine an uninhibited person doing. This was pretty apparent during rock-paper-scissors - I couldn't have made it a more boring match. With this new opportunity to talk about myself, I made a conscious and consistent effort to elaborate at every turn. I stumbled a bit, but mostly (I believe) because I have such little experience doing so.
Overall, it looks like these dates really are helping me to improve my social skills. I can feel it getting easier, so I will deal with the frustration and keep this as a part of my efforts.
As for the outcome of that date itself: I don't feel good about it. She was nice, and asked lots of questions, but I never got the feeling that she was interested. One thing that still feels weird is the fact that she never hugged me. Almost everyone has hugged me! It's an odd and unpleasant feeling to end a date with no physical contact, other than the (dumb) handshake she offered when we met. The final words were, "I'll talk to you soon?" In my experience with this, it's bad when they pose it in the form of a question. But it's good when they say "soon" instead of "later." This is silly, I know, but at any rate, I feel like chickening out and not calling her for a second-date. She's nice, so I imagine her administering a dreadful friends speech instead of just ignoring me. Yet and still, I don't have ANYTHING to lose other than a little bit of my ego, so maybe I'll do it over e-mail just for the heck of it.
As for the outcome of that date itself: I don't feel good about it. She was nice, and asked lots of questions, but I never got the feeling that she was interested. One thing that still feels weird is the fact that she never hugged me. Almost everyone has hugged me! It's an odd and unpleasant feeling to end a date with no physical contact, other than the (dumb) handshake she offered when we met. The final words were, "I'll talk to you soon?" In my experience with this, it's bad when they pose it in the form of a question. But it's good when they say "soon" instead of "later." This is silly, I know, but at any rate, I feel like chickening out and not calling her for a second-date. She's nice, so I imagine her administering a dreadful friends speech instead of just ignoring me. Yet and still, I don't have ANYTHING to lose other than a little bit of my ego, so maybe I'll do it over e-mail just for the heck of it.
Platonics
My Thursday date was cancelled due to inclement weather. But I do have good news.
No, not the Geico joke.
One of the people (from the craigslist strictly platonic section) I'd talked to over e-mail and once over instant messenger came back to life and dropped me an e-mail. She gave me her phone number, and I gave her a call tonight. We talked for a whopping one-hour and ten minutes. Wow!
To put things into perspective, consider this: Keeping the phone conversation going with the girl from the last post got tough inside of 5 minutes. What on earth is the difference? Probably partly the fact that this new girl is very talkative, and partly the fact that it's a strictly platonic relationship, so there should be no pressure at all. Before long, I got comfortable on the phone with this person to the point that I am with my two friends. Nothing to describe to you here: simply normal! I didn't need much in the way of pre-planned topics, and it was fun. Just imagine if I could converse like this with one of my dates!
That may indeed be a possibility. It's going slowly, but the part of my initial plan about making new friends and branching out (and thereby getting tons more of experience to get up to the "normal" level and beyond) may just be working. I've already made one friend (in six months), and maybe this new girl will be the second. Why not? I'm going to try to meet up with her as soon as time permits.
As a final note, I am aware that I never updated the Master Plan entry. At all! Maybe this weekend.
2 comments:
back again; I'm the gal with the links issue. so, once more, and interesting one.
it has to do with psychological skills or something like that. curioser and curioser.
Hey, thanks, that is a very interesting article. It's really an explanation for what books and people say all the time...starting with something simple and working your way up. I'll keep it in mind the next time I run into a situation that's too hard to tackle all the way...like starting a conversation with the 2 brunettes in the picture :)
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