Amazingly, this has finally started to look like a blog about something other than dating. Things slowed to a halt in my world of romance, leaving me with no dates to tell you about from July 12 to today, September 4. A lull in the action that would have rivaled any other since I embarked on my mission - that is, if not for the fact that I've been doing a lot of other things in the meantime.
A lot of other things, all of a strictly platonic nature. How, then, would I fare on my first date in 7 weeks? My first first-date in 2 months?
I would be meeting a girl named Autumn. We were matched on eHarmony, and boy, did we interact through that web site. In my very first experience with the site last year, I'd exchanged long, intimate e-mails with my potential partner, and we even had long phone conversations before meeting up. Oddly, that turned out to be beginner's luck: until Autumn came along, I never got to know anyone else on a similar level before meeting up. Rather, it had always been a few short e-mails, followed by a first date.
But Autumn was different. In the guided communication process, she wrote in a broad, general question for me to describe myself, and I wrote a long and interesting response. When it was her turn to answer my questions, she wrote the longest answers I've ever seen.
When we reached the "open communication" process, the floodgates opened up. We both wrote a couple of very long e-mails, in which we joked around and shared private details about ourselves.
I started thinking that maybe there was a reason for all of this. That is, perhaps the reason our communication was so different was that we were actually a great match for each other.
As our arranged meeting day grew near, I began feeling anxious. There were a number of factors at play. First, she looked very attractive in her online photos. On top of that, she was super confident. In one e-mail, she actually mentioned not wanting to date a "door mat," and that such guys break her heart because she "nixes guys for any little thing," and doesn't want them to be discouraged. She was doing a perfect job of portraying herself as a hot girl - a super catch - who is chased by all the guys. That, too, led me to feel more anxious. In addition, I couldn't help but wonder a whether I'd be rusty after so many weeks without a date. I had already declared my inhibition dead, but this would be an enormous test. After last spring's drought, I was nervous before my first date back in action, and it ended up being extremely awkward. After finally getting the mission's completion in my sights, I felt as if taking a step backwards today due to rust could be a confidence-shattering disaster.
I was under pressure.
I felt anxious for a few days. Some anxiety was present almost constantly, but at times it was really, really bad. I hadn't gotten enough sleep for work, and the combination of exhaustion and anxiety made me feel, at moments, oddly near tears.
Yesterday, I started trying to think of ways to escape the troublesome feelings. Then, I realized what I had forgotten: I already figured out the anxiety problem, and wrote about it in the blog. I reviewed my brief post about anxiety and impulse, and then my landmark post about confidence. I had been making all of the mistakes I documented months ago. Chief among them was overreacting to uncontrollable, momentary waves of anxiety. I had spent days building my anxiety by feeding a vicious cycle in which I worried about feeling anxious. I was anxious about being anxious on my date.
I started applying the simple methods in those posts, and I felt a little better. I also reviewed the posts about days when I was able to be uninhibited. I remembered them, and could recall the feelings that I experienced when I was able to be myself. I felt as if I could regain those feelings; as if I could actively take control in a social situation.
Still, though, I had to trudge through an anxious and sleepy work day before our 7:00 Starbucks date. For some reason, I felt as sleepy and anxious as I'd ever been.
A little more preparation. I briefly reviewed some of the things that seemed to be key in all of my uninhibited days:
A lot of other things, all of a strictly platonic nature. How, then, would I fare on my first date in 7 weeks? My first first-date in 2 months?
I would be meeting a girl named Autumn. We were matched on eHarmony, and boy, did we interact through that web site. In my very first experience with the site last year, I'd exchanged long, intimate e-mails with my potential partner, and we even had long phone conversations before meeting up. Oddly, that turned out to be beginner's luck: until Autumn came along, I never got to know anyone else on a similar level before meeting up. Rather, it had always been a few short e-mails, followed by a first date.
But Autumn was different. In the guided communication process, she wrote in a broad, general question for me to describe myself, and I wrote a long and interesting response. When it was her turn to answer my questions, she wrote the longest answers I've ever seen.
When we reached the "open communication" process, the floodgates opened up. We both wrote a couple of very long e-mails, in which we joked around and shared private details about ourselves.
I started thinking that maybe there was a reason for all of this. That is, perhaps the reason our communication was so different was that we were actually a great match for each other.
As our arranged meeting day grew near, I began feeling anxious. There were a number of factors at play. First, she looked very attractive in her online photos. On top of that, she was super confident. In one e-mail, she actually mentioned not wanting to date a "door mat," and that such guys break her heart because she "nixes guys for any little thing," and doesn't want them to be discouraged. She was doing a perfect job of portraying herself as a hot girl - a super catch - who is chased by all the guys. That, too, led me to feel more anxious. In addition, I couldn't help but wonder a whether I'd be rusty after so many weeks without a date. I had already declared my inhibition dead, but this would be an enormous test. After last spring's drought, I was nervous before my first date back in action, and it ended up being extremely awkward. After finally getting the mission's completion in my sights, I felt as if taking a step backwards today due to rust could be a confidence-shattering disaster.
I was under pressure.
I felt anxious for a few days. Some anxiety was present almost constantly, but at times it was really, really bad. I hadn't gotten enough sleep for work, and the combination of exhaustion and anxiety made me feel, at moments, oddly near tears.
Yesterday, I started trying to think of ways to escape the troublesome feelings. Then, I realized what I had forgotten: I already figured out the anxiety problem, and wrote about it in the blog. I reviewed my brief post about anxiety and impulse, and then my landmark post about confidence. I had been making all of the mistakes I documented months ago. Chief among them was overreacting to uncontrollable, momentary waves of anxiety. I had spent days building my anxiety by feeding a vicious cycle in which I worried about feeling anxious. I was anxious about being anxious on my date.
I started applying the simple methods in those posts, and I felt a little better. I also reviewed the posts about days when I was able to be uninhibited. I remembered them, and could recall the feelings that I experienced when I was able to be myself. I felt as if I could regain those feelings; as if I could actively take control in a social situation.
Still, though, I had to trudge through an anxious and sleepy work day before our 7:00 Starbucks date. For some reason, I felt as sleepy and anxious as I'd ever been.
A little more preparation. I briefly reviewed some of the things that seemed to be key in all of my uninhibited days:
- Staying present
- Staying calm no matter what, instead of overreacting to passing thoughts or waves of anxiety
- Intentionally projecting my voice in confident manner
- Visualizing the date going exactly the way I wanted it to, and minimizing or completely eliminating any negative visualizations
- Having a few good specific topics in mind, but mainly using my list of conversation topics for the date as items to be triggered based on other things that come up in the natural flow of conversation
- Not getting discouraged by something that doesn't go smoothly. Just move on immediately (stay present)
- Not placing great importance on the particular event
- Assuming rapport
- Drawing on past social experiences (mostly gained during the mission) for things to say and do
- Taking on high-status body posture
- PLAYING! Joking, kidding around, teasing, being playfully arrogant. Intentionally carrying on the same persona (the real me) that I showed online. Being active instead of passive.
And more. None of it was anything new. Rather, it was a synthesis of many very specific points that I learned, proved, and documented throughout the existence of this blog.
I knew that, really, it should all be said and done. I declared my inhibition dead nearly two months ago, and I implied the beginning of the successful end of this mission. In spite of my anxiety, I felt a deep level of confidence. I felt as if I could control the situation and be uninhibited even if I were the most anxious person in the world for 3 straight days leading up to the event. I felt as if there were no possible way I could be inhibited. I felt as if I'd come so far that I couldn't appear shy, nervous, and tense unless I wanted to, and even then, it would still be tough.
Really, there wasn't much left to do with the mission except bring things to a close by consistently demonstrating my growth.
A first-date with remarkable mutual interest and potential chemistry was the perfect place to start.
_______
As I drove, I intentionally relaxed, keeping my mind calm and free. She called when I was a couple minutes away from the Starbucks. I answered my phone without hesitation, and said, "Hey, what's up?" I was assuming rapport. I told her I'd be there in a couple minutes. After merely hearing her voice, I was already feeling less anxious. That's always been the case, so uncertainty must be the biggest contributing factor to pre-event anxiety.
She was sitting outside waiting. I calmly stepped out of the car, smiled, and gave her a hug.
The first thing I noticed was that she was no supermodel. Her looks, in fact, were not intimidating at all now that I'd seen her in person. I understood that no matter what she had looked like, there wouldn't have been any real difference. Everyone is just a regular person. No one is above me.
She was a regular girl. A regular girl that - I can't help but add - seemed humorously overconfident. When I pulled out a few bucks for our coffee, she insisted that she pay instead. Believe it or not, she said, "This way I won't feel bad if I don't like you." I could tell from her tone and facial expression that she was completely serious.
Okay. So that was ridiculous. The girl is regular-looking to me and clearly has some eccentricities, but there was still the matter of that eHarmony-matched chemistry to explore.
I had met with many such matches in the past year or so, yet was almost always too inhibited for it to matter. Today, on my first date in 7 weeks, was I in any position to explore the compatibility?
Absolutely. The anxiety that had been present for days diminished moments after I met her - just as I'd expected.
Beforehand, I had recalled the lyrics to a song Michael Phelps listens to before a big game:
Yeah I'm the best. No I ain't positive, I'm definite; I know the game like I'm reffin' it.
After dedicating my life to a crusade against shyness, this was my game. I was nervous beforehand, but that's normal for even some of the greatest athletes.
I took control. Inhibition had no chance against me.
As we waited for our drinks, I started warming up. Her ridiculous early comment was the perfect opportunity for me to start playing. I told her that she was already breaking gender roles, and I said, "Well then I'll feel bad [if I don't like you]."
I built on my comfort level. With every imperfection I noticed in her appearance, I felt a little better.
It didn't take long for me to make her laugh. It was a goofy laugh with a snort, and it was very disarming. I felt even better.
I soon was as uninhibited as ever, and the conversation was moving along easily. At some point, she made a sort of lame joke, and followed it up by saying "This is me nervous...."
She asked if I was nervous, too.
Hell no! I told her, "I don't really get nervous about things like that."
In a beautiful twist of irony, that was the reality I'd created. I jokingly asked if she needed me to hold her hand.
There was chemistry. It was a 180-degree turnaround from the early dates described in this blog. Instead of me repeatedly asking questions and just listening to the responses, I sometimes found myself doing the majority of the talking. She asked questions with genuine interest, and I had no trouble with what started out as my biggest problem: talking about myself. I even told anecdotes with great success. I was open and honest, even telling her about my blog (though sparing the details). She was interested in, impressed by, or joyously entertained with just about everything I said. Several times, I actually had to intentionally return the focus to her in order to balance the conversation.
As we joked and laughed at our outdoor table while the sun set, it was obvious that we shared a similar sense of humor. Really, she was just like me, having a constant supply of light, fun jokes and comments.
We also had other little things in common. I was effortlessly able to be as open with her as I had been online, and our date reaped the benefits. For example, when I mentioned that I don't like talking on the telephone, I could hear the excitement in her voice as she said "Me too!" Things were flawless. I didn't even stumble with my words - not even on occasion, as I do even with the few people I'm already close to. She made a joke about us hanging out at the drycleaners "next time," and I knew her reference to the future was verification of the feelings for me that were already so clear.
I'd told her ahead of time that I couldn't stay too long. When she asked how much time we had left and I told her about 10 minutes, she joked, "Oh...well I'm getting tired of you anyway!" I mumbled back jokingly, "Well I'm getting a little tired of you too." She then said something about me going home to imitate her, since we'd talked about my acting. I told her I might have to get a blond wig and portray her in the movie about her life. I crossed my legs and mimicked the feminine posture of her hands and facial expression. It was effortless and funny - something I was never even close to being able to do in my inhibited days. She grinned slightly and said it was making her a little uncomfortable. I immediately let her off the hook, and I knew that the tables had turned. I was the one with complete control of this date.
She made a joke about walking me to her car, but unlike on my historic first date last year, it was second-nature for me to know to walk her to hers. Practice makes perfect, and I now have a whole lot of practice behind me.
We joked around some more, until she finally said "Thanks." (for what?) I said thanks for the frappuccino, and told her to have a good night. She made one last joke, and we parted ways.
The date was so great in so many ways that I knew without doubt it was a success. Still, though, how could it be perfect? It's easy to say nothing's perfect, but I really couldn't think of an imperfection. That was remarkable, but the most interested women had always been the ones to initiate the follow-up communication afterwards. Only that could make it perfect.
Soon after I got home, I heard my phone beep. It was a text from Autumn.
Could the girl with the ego of a supermodel really be so interested in me that she could only wait half an hour before contacting me again?
I flipped open my phone and took a look at the message.
"Thanks. I had fun"
I knew that, really, it should all be said and done. I declared my inhibition dead nearly two months ago, and I implied the beginning of the successful end of this mission. In spite of my anxiety, I felt a deep level of confidence. I felt as if I could control the situation and be uninhibited even if I were the most anxious person in the world for 3 straight days leading up to the event. I felt as if there were no possible way I could be inhibited. I felt as if I'd come so far that I couldn't appear shy, nervous, and tense unless I wanted to, and even then, it would still be tough.
Really, there wasn't much left to do with the mission except bring things to a close by consistently demonstrating my growth.
A first-date with remarkable mutual interest and potential chemistry was the perfect place to start.
_______
As I drove, I intentionally relaxed, keeping my mind calm and free. She called when I was a couple minutes away from the Starbucks. I answered my phone without hesitation, and said, "Hey, what's up?" I was assuming rapport. I told her I'd be there in a couple minutes. After merely hearing her voice, I was already feeling less anxious. That's always been the case, so uncertainty must be the biggest contributing factor to pre-event anxiety.
She was sitting outside waiting. I calmly stepped out of the car, smiled, and gave her a hug.
The first thing I noticed was that she was no supermodel. Her looks, in fact, were not intimidating at all now that I'd seen her in person. I understood that no matter what she had looked like, there wouldn't have been any real difference. Everyone is just a regular person. No one is above me.
She was a regular girl. A regular girl that - I can't help but add - seemed humorously overconfident. When I pulled out a few bucks for our coffee, she insisted that she pay instead. Believe it or not, she said, "This way I won't feel bad if I don't like you." I could tell from her tone and facial expression that she was completely serious.
Okay. So that was ridiculous. The girl is regular-looking to me and clearly has some eccentricities, but there was still the matter of that eHarmony-matched chemistry to explore.
I had met with many such matches in the past year or so, yet was almost always too inhibited for it to matter. Today, on my first date in 7 weeks, was I in any position to explore the compatibility?
Absolutely. The anxiety that had been present for days diminished moments after I met her - just as I'd expected.
Beforehand, I had recalled the lyrics to a song Michael Phelps listens to before a big game:
Yeah I'm the best. No I ain't positive, I'm definite; I know the game like I'm reffin' it.
After dedicating my life to a crusade against shyness, this was my game. I was nervous beforehand, but that's normal for even some of the greatest athletes.
I took control. Inhibition had no chance against me.
As we waited for our drinks, I started warming up. Her ridiculous early comment was the perfect opportunity for me to start playing. I told her that she was already breaking gender roles, and I said, "Well then I'll feel bad [if I don't like you]."
I built on my comfort level. With every imperfection I noticed in her appearance, I felt a little better.
It didn't take long for me to make her laugh. It was a goofy laugh with a snort, and it was very disarming. I felt even better.
I soon was as uninhibited as ever, and the conversation was moving along easily. At some point, she made a sort of lame joke, and followed it up by saying "This is me nervous...."
She asked if I was nervous, too.
Hell no! I told her, "I don't really get nervous about things like that."
In a beautiful twist of irony, that was the reality I'd created. I jokingly asked if she needed me to hold her hand.
There was chemistry. It was a 180-degree turnaround from the early dates described in this blog. Instead of me repeatedly asking questions and just listening to the responses, I sometimes found myself doing the majority of the talking. She asked questions with genuine interest, and I had no trouble with what started out as my biggest problem: talking about myself. I even told anecdotes with great success. I was open and honest, even telling her about my blog (though sparing the details). She was interested in, impressed by, or joyously entertained with just about everything I said. Several times, I actually had to intentionally return the focus to her in order to balance the conversation.
As we joked and laughed at our outdoor table while the sun set, it was obvious that we shared a similar sense of humor. Really, she was just like me, having a constant supply of light, fun jokes and comments.
We also had other little things in common. I was effortlessly able to be as open with her as I had been online, and our date reaped the benefits. For example, when I mentioned that I don't like talking on the telephone, I could hear the excitement in her voice as she said "Me too!" Things were flawless. I didn't even stumble with my words - not even on occasion, as I do even with the few people I'm already close to. She made a joke about us hanging out at the drycleaners "next time," and I knew her reference to the future was verification of the feelings for me that were already so clear.
I'd told her ahead of time that I couldn't stay too long. When she asked how much time we had left and I told her about 10 minutes, she joked, "Oh...well I'm getting tired of you anyway!" I mumbled back jokingly, "Well I'm getting a little tired of you too." She then said something about me going home to imitate her, since we'd talked about my acting. I told her I might have to get a blond wig and portray her in the movie about her life. I crossed my legs and mimicked the feminine posture of her hands and facial expression. It was effortless and funny - something I was never even close to being able to do in my inhibited days. She grinned slightly and said it was making her a little uncomfortable. I immediately let her off the hook, and I knew that the tables had turned. I was the one with complete control of this date.
She made a joke about walking me to her car, but unlike on my historic first date last year, it was second-nature for me to know to walk her to hers. Practice makes perfect, and I now have a whole lot of practice behind me.
We joked around some more, until she finally said "Thanks." (for what?) I said thanks for the frappuccino, and told her to have a good night. She made one last joke, and we parted ways.
The date was so great in so many ways that I knew without doubt it was a success. Still, though, how could it be perfect? It's easy to say nothing's perfect, but I really couldn't think of an imperfection. That was remarkable, but the most interested women had always been the ones to initiate the follow-up communication afterwards. Only that could make it perfect.
Soon after I got home, I heard my phone beep. It was a text from Autumn.
Could the girl with the ego of a supermodel really be so interested in me that she could only wait half an hour before contacting me again?
I flipped open my phone and took a look at the message.
"Thanks. I had fun"
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