It started with a text. Amorita, the friend who has unwittingly been so instrumental in helping me turn my life around, asked if I wanted to hang out sometime during the week. I remembered that I already planned to go dancing with my more recent, yet very close friend Natalie, and suddenly, a divine opportunity was before me.
I had made several friends over the course of my nearly two-year-old mission, but only once had any two even been in the same room. Having a group of friends was a goal I longed for, and was a huge part of the vision for my life that has propelled me through this journey. It seems odd that I hadn't managed to get my friends together before, but they all seemed so different that I didn't know if there would be enough common ground.
There was only one way to find out.
I asked Amorita if she wanted to go to a popular strip of bars and nightclubs in the city, and she agreed. Ecstatic, I decided to go all-out and invite everyone I could. With each reply I became more and more stirred with emotion, recognizing that the coming Friday was shaping up to look like my dream for the day I'd declare mission accomplished.
________________
I picked up Natalie, and we were the first to arrive. For some reason, we decided to go into a cafe in the bustling city district, and I spotted an old acquaintance from college and high school.
It was another unlikely coincidence. We were in a city of 600,000, not even in the same state as our old schools. Yet as if by fate, I had encountered another person who knew me in my pre-mission past - this time, from the darkest days of paralyzing shyness. From the times when I'd go through entire school days without speaking. Writing these words, I realize that I've hardly ever mentioned this period of my life because I virtually never think about it anymore. The pain stings like a dagger wound as the images come rushing back.
Whether by fate or fortune, each of these unlikely coincidences was a chance to, in a way, experience what life would have been like without the bane of inhibition for all those years.
I told Natalie I knew the guy sitting on the sofa across the room, and that we should go over and talk to him.
And talk to him, I did. I asked what he'd been up to, inquired about another friend, made jokes about our old school, introduced Natalie, and followed every other impulse I had. My social skills were polished, and nothing short of impressive.
________________
In all, eight had been invited, and five were planning to come out. I was in awe at the moment the final two made their appearance in the cafe. This was my group of friends, all of whom I'd met recently:
Natalie - A 24-year-old Dutch Ph.D. student. We'd met after I posted an ad on craigslist asking if anyone knew of a hip-hop dance studio, with no real intention of meeting anyone. She asked me to let her know if I found out, and we soon learned that we'd gone to the same university at the same time. Since meeting to take a class together, we'd hung out more weeks than not. I've never connected with anyone else in the same way as with Natalie, and she will probably be the first person who knows me that will see this blog.
Bina - A 36-year-old software engineering manager who asked me to take her number at SuperBar. We'd gone out twice before I suggested that we should just be friends, citing the age difference. I'd seen her again three more times since.
Amorita - A 27-year-old law clerk. The one who means the most to me, she was the first person I met when I started the mission in August 2007. Even though I was very inhibited that day and had virtually no social skills to speak of, she still wanted to hang out again. After I'd responded to her craigslist ad, she'd said that she was going to get me out of my shell, and that's precisely what she helped me do. Now, we've hung out more times than I can count. She tells me about all of the guys she dates, as if I were here closest girlfriend, and she is, in fact, the only person in the world (blog readers notwithstanding) who knows about my own superfluous dating.
Janessa - Amorita's friend, who I'd met at last summer's birthday parties and had hung out with a few more times while with Amorita.
Neola - A 30-year-old Drug Enforcement Agency analyst. She was the first girl whose phone number I ever asked for after striking up some conversation at Amorita's party, soon after the amazing tide-turning event we know as The Death of Inhibition.
Finally, it had happened. What would be to most people an ordinary moment, not garnering even a second thought, meant far, far more to me. This moment, where I was surrounded by five friends, was the apex of my life.
Early in the blog, I wrote about how difficult the "group situation" always was for me. Now, it was anything but. I'd had little practice, but a lifetime of observation and admiration for the socially adept was paying off. I skillfully kept everyone involved in the conversation, shifting my attention around as I spoke. I told one friend things that I knew about another in order to establish common ground between them. For example, I announced that Bina and Neola had both just finished school. It was really only a tangential relation, since one had gotten an MBA and one had been doing training for drug enforcement, but it got them talking to each other. I also made as many jokes as ever, and even told some brief stories. As happy as I was with my effortless social ability, I was most delighted when the girls found topics of dicussion without any input from me. Perhaps they could be friends with each other after all.
After a couple of hours at the cafe - time seemed to go fast - we headed over to one of the bars, where we danced until closing time. After a few hugs outside, we said goodnight.
On the way back to Natalie's place, we chatted lightheartedly as usual. When I joked about how awesome I was, she stopped me, and took a serious tone.
She wanted me to know that she agreed.
I realized then that not only do I have friends, but I have great friends who admire me.
________________
The main reason that this post doesn't mark the end of my mission is that the vision included more than friendship: there was also the matter of romance.
The following Friday, I was exhausted, as I usually am following a workweek with far too inadequate sleep. I was so tired that I was nearly in tears, but I was determined to go out anyway. In fact, my experience had almost always been that the worst I felt before going out, the better my night would be. Several of the best nights of my life had started out in the same manner; what would happen this time?
I returned to the city nightlife district once again, this time alone. After breaking a sweat with a few songs on the dance floor, I headed upstairs for a drink.
The bar was full. After waiting for a while, I thought about trying the bar on the other side of the room - where I'd been served immediately before - but for some reason, I stayed.
Soon, a spot opened up on the right-hand corner, next to a pretty, dark-haired girl. I'd noticed a couple guys talking to her while I waited, and had mentally registered them as being a boyfriend and a friend.
I came over and stood next to her, at first saying nothing as I continued to wait. After a few moments, our hands bumped as she lowered her blue drink while I reached for napkins to wipe some of the sweat away from my face.
"Excuse me....", I said.
A few moments later, she asked if I was waiting for a drink, and I told her I was.
As we watched the bartender serve a couple ladies who had just arrived, she joked that you had to have boobs to get a drink there. I agreed, saying that I forgot to wear my makeup and my push-up bra, adding a funny gesture to go along with the joke.
I hadn't even been trying to start a conversation, but now, the ice was broken. I realized that she was the one trying to start a conversation with me.
Apparently she'd decided to use her beauty to get the bartender's attention, and asked what I wanted. She laughed when I joked that I was a heavy drinker, but said that I wanted a Sprite. I told her I'd never even tried alcohol, and got the usual reaction of surprise and curiosity as to the reason.
Before I knew it, the conversation was rolling along. I hesitate to write that I was relaxed and uninhibited, as that has come to virtually always be the case.
I asked, "Where's your crew?" and learned that she was at the club alone. It was quite unusual for a lady to come to a nightclub by herself, so I inquired further, and learned that one of her girlfriends was a bartender there. She asked where my crew was, and I said I was also alone.
"I came out to dance. My friends slow me down. You know, the kind of friends who want to leave early? I never leave a party until it's over."
I then decided to explain something I'd been thinking about during the drive to the city:
"Some people come out to relax, and some people come out to cut loose. I'm a cut-loose type of person."
After talking about her job for a few minutes, I asked if she knew the male bartender's name so I could get his attention. She couldn't remember, so I followed up by asking, "What's your name?"
Morgan.
Not telling a woman my name and instead waiting for her to ask was my litmus test for interest, but her friend came over before she could say anything else. Morgan stopped her, and finally ordered the Sprite for me. I said, "Thanks, Morgan," and she soon asked my name.
I asked if I detected a slight accent in her voice, and learned that she was from Poland. After she said she lived in the city and I told her I lived in the suburbs, we started debating which was better. She laughed and gently hit me during our playful argument, which went on for a while, and I recognized it as an obvious sign of attraction and interest.
More importantly, Morgan and I were having a great time chatting at the bar. I'd met Rayna in line outside of a club, but otherwise, Morgan would be the first romantic connection I'd made with neither the use of dance nor the Internet.
It was getting late, and I knew that Morgan had to be up early for work the next day, so she was probably just sticking around to keep talking to me. I told her I needed to go dance and might be heading next door. "Give me your number in case I don't see you again," I said as I pulled out my phone and started adding her name.
I added her number, made a comment about the area code, told her to have fun, and headed off to dance.
On the dance floor, I was the life of the party - just like always. It's a remarkable feat, really: only months ago, I was too inhibited to even imagine dancing in public. Now, I dance with such vigor that I never leave a nightclub without my shirt being soaked in sweat. Combined with ever-developing skill, my free spirit invariably entertains countless other patrons. I've come so far that I actually now become annoyed when I feel people aren't paying enough attention to my moves. On this night, I went outside for a walk after spending some time on both dance floors. When I returned, a girl who I didn't particularly remember came over and insisted that I had to dance in the center of the floor.
Being an entertainer was beyond my vision.
________________
While it looked like the romantic part of my grand vision might finally be realized with Rayna, that no longer looks to be the case. She sent me a text a few days after our date, asking if I was going to class at the dance studio we attend. When I called her later that night - a mistake, no doubt - I found myself a little uncomfortable, and there was even a rare awkward silence in the conversation. I asked if she wanted to get together again before she'd leave for her two-week vacation the next week, but she gave me the "possibly" answer I'd heard before winning her over on our first date. She left for vacation without calling, and I've been growing less and less interested with each passing day.
Instead of allowing a lull to materialize, I met up for my first date with Kelly, a girl I'd spent a night dancing with at a club. She gave me a call when she had trouble finding the pool hall, where I was standing outside in the rain with a big golf umbrella.
As I talked to Kelly, two very cute girls - a blonde and a brunette - ran up to me to get underneath the umbrella. I asked if they were going to the pool place, and offered to walk them to the door. The brunette thanked me, and said, "You're so cute!" I tried to dismiss the interaction since I was on the phone with my date, but the brunette told me her name was Angela, and said that I should come hang out tonight. I told her I already had plans, and finally was able to get back to the phone call.
Kelly heard the whole thing, and asked if I was making friends without her.
I told her I was trying to fend them off.
While Kelly drove around looking for the pool hall, I went inside. There again were the two girls. I was immediately confident as we chatted, making jokes and going through the usual bit about me never having had a drink. I was very interested in the adorable brunette named Angela, and took a seat with the pair when she asked. After chatting for a few minutes more, I wanted to get Angela's phone number, but knew it would be too hurtful to my date if she were to find out. Instead, I gave Angela my amazingly handy Feycebook card, which she said was very nice.
In short, the date with Kelly went perhaps more easily than any other. I was so comfortable that it didn't even feel as if I were on a date. Unfortunately, I wasn't interested, and knew it would be best not to kiss her goodnight, despite some attraction and the fact that I was surely amazing in her eyes.
________________
Finally, I've decided that it's time to try something new. I've now been on 58 dates, and have described almost all of them in this blog. On a mission with so much already done, one of the remaining experiences to be had is a simple one: date someone privately, without sharing the details online.
When I find that one special girl who completes The Vision, I promise you'll read all about her. In the meantime, we'll use the blog to explore other new, great things.
I had made several friends over the course of my nearly two-year-old mission, but only once had any two even been in the same room. Having a group of friends was a goal I longed for, and was a huge part of the vision for my life that has propelled me through this journey. It seems odd that I hadn't managed to get my friends together before, but they all seemed so different that I didn't know if there would be enough common ground.
There was only one way to find out.
I asked Amorita if she wanted to go to a popular strip of bars and nightclubs in the city, and she agreed. Ecstatic, I decided to go all-out and invite everyone I could. With each reply I became more and more stirred with emotion, recognizing that the coming Friday was shaping up to look like my dream for the day I'd declare mission accomplished.
________________
I picked up Natalie, and we were the first to arrive. For some reason, we decided to go into a cafe in the bustling city district, and I spotted an old acquaintance from college and high school.
It was another unlikely coincidence. We were in a city of 600,000, not even in the same state as our old schools. Yet as if by fate, I had encountered another person who knew me in my pre-mission past - this time, from the darkest days of paralyzing shyness. From the times when I'd go through entire school days without speaking. Writing these words, I realize that I've hardly ever mentioned this period of my life because I virtually never think about it anymore. The pain stings like a dagger wound as the images come rushing back.
Whether by fate or fortune, each of these unlikely coincidences was a chance to, in a way, experience what life would have been like without the bane of inhibition for all those years.
I told Natalie I knew the guy sitting on the sofa across the room, and that we should go over and talk to him.
And talk to him, I did. I asked what he'd been up to, inquired about another friend, made jokes about our old school, introduced Natalie, and followed every other impulse I had. My social skills were polished, and nothing short of impressive.
________________
In all, eight had been invited, and five were planning to come out. I was in awe at the moment the final two made their appearance in the cafe. This was my group of friends, all of whom I'd met recently:
Natalie - A 24-year-old Dutch Ph.D. student. We'd met after I posted an ad on craigslist asking if anyone knew of a hip-hop dance studio, with no real intention of meeting anyone. She asked me to let her know if I found out, and we soon learned that we'd gone to the same university at the same time. Since meeting to take a class together, we'd hung out more weeks than not. I've never connected with anyone else in the same way as with Natalie, and she will probably be the first person who knows me that will see this blog.
Bina - A 36-year-old software engineering manager who asked me to take her number at SuperBar. We'd gone out twice before I suggested that we should just be friends, citing the age difference. I'd seen her again three more times since.
Amorita - A 27-year-old law clerk. The one who means the most to me, she was the first person I met when I started the mission in August 2007. Even though I was very inhibited that day and had virtually no social skills to speak of, she still wanted to hang out again. After I'd responded to her craigslist ad, she'd said that she was going to get me out of my shell, and that's precisely what she helped me do. Now, we've hung out more times than I can count. She tells me about all of the guys she dates, as if I were here closest girlfriend, and she is, in fact, the only person in the world (blog readers notwithstanding) who knows about my own superfluous dating.
Janessa - Amorita's friend, who I'd met at last summer's birthday parties and had hung out with a few more times while with Amorita.
Neola - A 30-year-old Drug Enforcement Agency analyst. She was the first girl whose phone number I ever asked for after striking up some conversation at Amorita's party, soon after the amazing tide-turning event we know as The Death of Inhibition.
Finally, it had happened. What would be to most people an ordinary moment, not garnering even a second thought, meant far, far more to me. This moment, where I was surrounded by five friends, was the apex of my life.
Early in the blog, I wrote about how difficult the "group situation" always was for me. Now, it was anything but. I'd had little practice, but a lifetime of observation and admiration for the socially adept was paying off. I skillfully kept everyone involved in the conversation, shifting my attention around as I spoke. I told one friend things that I knew about another in order to establish common ground between them. For example, I announced that Bina and Neola had both just finished school. It was really only a tangential relation, since one had gotten an MBA and one had been doing training for drug enforcement, but it got them talking to each other. I also made as many jokes as ever, and even told some brief stories. As happy as I was with my effortless social ability, I was most delighted when the girls found topics of dicussion without any input from me. Perhaps they could be friends with each other after all.
After a couple of hours at the cafe - time seemed to go fast - we headed over to one of the bars, where we danced until closing time. After a few hugs outside, we said goodnight.
On the way back to Natalie's place, we chatted lightheartedly as usual. When I joked about how awesome I was, she stopped me, and took a serious tone.
She wanted me to know that she agreed.
I realized then that not only do I have friends, but I have great friends who admire me.
________________
The main reason that this post doesn't mark the end of my mission is that the vision included more than friendship: there was also the matter of romance.
The following Friday, I was exhausted, as I usually am following a workweek with far too inadequate sleep. I was so tired that I was nearly in tears, but I was determined to go out anyway. In fact, my experience had almost always been that the worst I felt before going out, the better my night would be. Several of the best nights of my life had started out in the same manner; what would happen this time?
I returned to the city nightlife district once again, this time alone. After breaking a sweat with a few songs on the dance floor, I headed upstairs for a drink.
The bar was full. After waiting for a while, I thought about trying the bar on the other side of the room - where I'd been served immediately before - but for some reason, I stayed.
Soon, a spot opened up on the right-hand corner, next to a pretty, dark-haired girl. I'd noticed a couple guys talking to her while I waited, and had mentally registered them as being a boyfriend and a friend.
I came over and stood next to her, at first saying nothing as I continued to wait. After a few moments, our hands bumped as she lowered her blue drink while I reached for napkins to wipe some of the sweat away from my face.
"Excuse me....", I said.
A few moments later, she asked if I was waiting for a drink, and I told her I was.
As we watched the bartender serve a couple ladies who had just arrived, she joked that you had to have boobs to get a drink there. I agreed, saying that I forgot to wear my makeup and my push-up bra, adding a funny gesture to go along with the joke.
I hadn't even been trying to start a conversation, but now, the ice was broken. I realized that she was the one trying to start a conversation with me.
Apparently she'd decided to use her beauty to get the bartender's attention, and asked what I wanted. She laughed when I joked that I was a heavy drinker, but said that I wanted a Sprite. I told her I'd never even tried alcohol, and got the usual reaction of surprise and curiosity as to the reason.
Before I knew it, the conversation was rolling along. I hesitate to write that I was relaxed and uninhibited, as that has come to virtually always be the case.
I asked, "Where's your crew?" and learned that she was at the club alone. It was quite unusual for a lady to come to a nightclub by herself, so I inquired further, and learned that one of her girlfriends was a bartender there. She asked where my crew was, and I said I was also alone.
"I came out to dance. My friends slow me down. You know, the kind of friends who want to leave early? I never leave a party until it's over."
I then decided to explain something I'd been thinking about during the drive to the city:
"Some people come out to relax, and some people come out to cut loose. I'm a cut-loose type of person."
After talking about her job for a few minutes, I asked if she knew the male bartender's name so I could get his attention. She couldn't remember, so I followed up by asking, "What's your name?"
Morgan.
Not telling a woman my name and instead waiting for her to ask was my litmus test for interest, but her friend came over before she could say anything else. Morgan stopped her, and finally ordered the Sprite for me. I said, "Thanks, Morgan," and she soon asked my name.
I asked if I detected a slight accent in her voice, and learned that she was from Poland. After she said she lived in the city and I told her I lived in the suburbs, we started debating which was better. She laughed and gently hit me during our playful argument, which went on for a while, and I recognized it as an obvious sign of attraction and interest.
More importantly, Morgan and I were having a great time chatting at the bar. I'd met Rayna in line outside of a club, but otherwise, Morgan would be the first romantic connection I'd made with neither the use of dance nor the Internet.
It was getting late, and I knew that Morgan had to be up early for work the next day, so she was probably just sticking around to keep talking to me. I told her I needed to go dance and might be heading next door. "Give me your number in case I don't see you again," I said as I pulled out my phone and started adding her name.
I added her number, made a comment about the area code, told her to have fun, and headed off to dance.
On the dance floor, I was the life of the party - just like always. It's a remarkable feat, really: only months ago, I was too inhibited to even imagine dancing in public. Now, I dance with such vigor that I never leave a nightclub without my shirt being soaked in sweat. Combined with ever-developing skill, my free spirit invariably entertains countless other patrons. I've come so far that I actually now become annoyed when I feel people aren't paying enough attention to my moves. On this night, I went outside for a walk after spending some time on both dance floors. When I returned, a girl who I didn't particularly remember came over and insisted that I had to dance in the center of the floor.
Being an entertainer was beyond my vision.
________________
While it looked like the romantic part of my grand vision might finally be realized with Rayna, that no longer looks to be the case. She sent me a text a few days after our date, asking if I was going to class at the dance studio we attend. When I called her later that night - a mistake, no doubt - I found myself a little uncomfortable, and there was even a rare awkward silence in the conversation. I asked if she wanted to get together again before she'd leave for her two-week vacation the next week, but she gave me the "possibly" answer I'd heard before winning her over on our first date. She left for vacation without calling, and I've been growing less and less interested with each passing day.
Instead of allowing a lull to materialize, I met up for my first date with Kelly, a girl I'd spent a night dancing with at a club. She gave me a call when she had trouble finding the pool hall, where I was standing outside in the rain with a big golf umbrella.
As I talked to Kelly, two very cute girls - a blonde and a brunette - ran up to me to get underneath the umbrella. I asked if they were going to the pool place, and offered to walk them to the door. The brunette thanked me, and said, "You're so cute!" I tried to dismiss the interaction since I was on the phone with my date, but the brunette told me her name was Angela, and said that I should come hang out tonight. I told her I already had plans, and finally was able to get back to the phone call.
Kelly heard the whole thing, and asked if I was making friends without her.
I told her I was trying to fend them off.
While Kelly drove around looking for the pool hall, I went inside. There again were the two girls. I was immediately confident as we chatted, making jokes and going through the usual bit about me never having had a drink. I was very interested in the adorable brunette named Angela, and took a seat with the pair when she asked. After chatting for a few minutes more, I wanted to get Angela's phone number, but knew it would be too hurtful to my date if she were to find out. Instead, I gave Angela my amazingly handy Feycebook card, which she said was very nice.
In short, the date with Kelly went perhaps more easily than any other. I was so comfortable that it didn't even feel as if I were on a date. Unfortunately, I wasn't interested, and knew it would be best not to kiss her goodnight, despite some attraction and the fact that I was surely amazing in her eyes.
________________
Finally, I've decided that it's time to try something new. I've now been on 58 dates, and have described almost all of them in this blog. On a mission with so much already done, one of the remaining experiences to be had is a simple one: date someone privately, without sharing the details online.
When I find that one special girl who completes The Vision, I promise you'll read all about her. In the meantime, we'll use the blog to explore other new, great things.
3 comments:
hi, it's been a while.
I had my doubts whether this blog would keep on updating, either because you would've got bored, or, best case scenario, because mission would have been accomplished.
as usual, it's not a black or white issue. the important thing is that you say you've made big progress, and I feel happy for you.
skipping through your last posts, and not minding my own business as usual, I noticed that ladies like you best on night clubs, after meeting you just for a few minutes, but seem to lose (romantic) interest if they go on a date with you. could not be just the other way around? that they think YOU are the one with little interest because you don't take risks? by taking risks I mean getting closer. no need to be rude, but I don't know... getting playful a little, showing your interest. it's as if they liked you on the first date but expected something else from you, and that's why they don't want to meet again. like "I already have friends, and I was looking for someone special". I know that because I've been in that situation, being the girl that ends the non-existing relationship.
I read some time ago that what makes the best lover is the one who convinces himself that he is in love. don't forget to tell me if it works ;)
-mvt-
Hey! Good to hear from you - I'd been thinking about you the past few months.
Progress.... words could never do it justice. If you could have observed me 22 months ago and then again today, it might be the most remarkable improvement you'd ever see.
But as for your other point - you'll have to go back and read the entire posts, because you got the wrong idea :) So far, I've only been out with two ladies I met at clubs. Rayna, who was still *very* interested after our first two dates and possibly after the third; and Kelly, who is crazy about me, but *I* was the one who wasn't interested.
I do agree with what you said about the risks though. I started that with Rayna (see the posts), and was so aggressive with her that she implied I was moving too fast (though I'm sure she loved it, and that it helped). Even still, I wish I had done more, and I plan to have even more fun with my future dates ;)
so things are really moving forward, wow. the most remarkable thing is that you're doing all this on your own. I'm impressed, to say the least.
when I was talking about not being interested and thus not taking risks, I guess I was describing myself. we often do that, right? we see others throught our own prejudices and quickly give away the suggestions we'd give ourselves. or the ones we'd like to hear from people around us.
and you're right, I still got to read the whole thing to get a fair idea :)
-mvt-
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