50 First Dates: Date #27

I went on another first-date last Thursday. Yep - that made two dates in less than 48 hours. I put off writing about #27 until now because, well, it just wasn't that interesting. Not compared to the one before it.

I met up at Starbucks with a young lady I'd met on eHarmony. I had been on the fence about whether or not I should go through with online conversation and eventually meeting her, after she initiated communication. I wasn't sure I would find her attractive, but she was one of the first to contact me during the last lull in the action. Since I was determined to get things going again, I decided to give it a try.

But alas. Once we met, I really didn't feel much attraction to her. Physically, or otherwise.

Somehow, after I walked into Starbucks and saw her, I felt absolutely no anxiety. No nervousness. Sure, I've felt comfortable before, but this was subtly different. It was as if my "edge" were gone. I felt so completely calm that it seemed as if I had to force myself to keep the conversation going while we waited in line, because the silence, for some reason, didn't bother me in even the slightest way.

The best guess is that this state of being was caused by my lack of interest in the particular date, and in the outcome. But the surprising point is that it wasn't helpful to be in this state. My comfortableness was trumped by the fact that I was engaged in social interaction with so little emotion. I went through the usual, even getting into a bit of playful teasing, but it was different. Despite making a conscious effort, I wasn't as motivated, and it wasn't as good. I'd felt a real connection with my last date, and yet none in this instance.

So that was that.

In the hour before that date, I'd called my date from Tuesday to ask her out for Sunday. I'm generally anxious in the moments leading up to any phone call I have to initiate, but it always dissipates once I hear the voice on the other line. That was the case again here, but I was a little awkward. She asked how my day was, and I tried to say something I'd had in mind to say in response. "It was good....Thursday is a good day for me.... we have a company lunch every Thursday." It came out sounding every bit as uninteresting and awkward as that text. I think that I need to

A) always have something interesting in mind to say for general questions like that, plus some other comments to start conversation instead of always just asking questions, and

B) learn to express myself better, since that comment would have made sense if I had elaborated. Something like:

"It was good! Thursdays are good days for me. The company springs for lunch for everyone, and I can start seeing that light at the end of the tunnel for the weekend!"

I can deal with the part about overcoming inhibition, but I still have to work on figuring out how to be expressive - it's something I missed out on growing up as a shy person. And it's a stagnant area that I haven't specifically worked on yet in my mission. I have a plan to learn to tell stories by taking baby steps, but I'll write more about that after I actually make myself do it.

(If you're wondering: she already had plans for Sunday.)

Date #26: The Comeback

Just now, I checked the date of the post entitled "Nightmare." Much to my surprise, it was only two weeks ago. How could this be? A mere two weeks ago, I hit emotional rock bottom, and tonight, I'm back on top of the world.

Date #26. We met up at a Barnes & Noble Starbucks (actually, the same day of the week, time, and place I'd met the subject of my Nightmare). I had hardly talked to anyone all day, so I made it a point to exchange a few words with a few people on the way. I had been feeling a bit anxious in the hours leading up to tonight, but I knew that in almost every single case, my anxiety has diminished as soon as I've actually met my date, in the flesh. This was no different.

We talked, and I was myself again. I'd attempted to make a mnemonic for conversation topics beforehand, but I figured it would only be backup: most of the time, I don't need to make an effort to recall the topics. The list is very helpful though, because things mentioned in the conversation regularly remind me of what I've written down.

She did most of the talking, but I did plenty, and had lots of little quips. And this time, my date actually laughed at them! She and I were both laughing and smiling away through our date. The other details aren't so important. After an hour and twelve minutes, she said she didn't want to be rude, but asked if we could go. It was actually almost her bedtime - I'd been aiming for 45 minutes, but the conversation was flowing well enough that I didn't want to end it abruptly.

I asked her if she wanted a ride home, but she actually only lived a few blocks away. I thought we would be parting ways, but as we walked and talked, I ended up walking her all the way to her doorstep. I stopped about 10 feet short of the door, and told her to have a good night. As we hugged, she thanked me for her Starbucks tea, and for walking her home. She smiled broadly, and behold! I saw it.

That look in her eyes.

The antithesis of the look I saw in my date's eyes two weeks ago to the day.

A twinkle. No, this isn't a literary device. I actually saw a twinkle in her eyes. Genuine happiness.

And I was happy, too. Immediately, all of my negative feelings about my last few experiences disappeared. Finally, I could see them for exactly what they were. The flaws in the last couple people who disappointed me were as clear as day. To the point where I can't bear to even think about how I let such people get me down.

My restlessness had transformed into vigor and hope. I felt inspired to immediately pick up with a neglected part of my original plan: "Talk to people everywhere."

Finally, I'd had time to think things over before tonight. Based on my previous successes and failures, I came up with a brief list of things to keep in mind. All of them seemed to help.

• Stay present. I've been stuck inside my head on other occasions. For instance, on date #25, I was distracted from the conversation at one point because I was thinking about how different my date seemed in person than in text messages. Tonight, I was determined to keep my focus external the entire time, and I just about did.

• Use the conversation topics list passively. Instead of racking my brain (and therefore not staying present) to recall my list, I just let remarks trigger my memory naturally. I figure other people don't need this, because they've had thousands and thousands more conversations than I ever have. The average person has "conversation topics" triggered from memory of other conversations, instead of from lists. I'll get there eventually.

• Take my time speaking. I realized it's normal and perfectly fine to stop and think a moment before answering questions. In the past I've sometimes rushed a response, rattling something off from memory (or worse, from nowhere) instead of being thoughtful.
  

• Never yield to inhibition. I continued to practice one of the few items from my woefully-neglected "Master Plan" post. Instead of thinking things over before saying them, I just let it fly. I knew that saying anything (even making a silly joke that came to mind) was better than just sitting in silence.

• Don't get ahead of myself. This time, I didn't even think as far ahead as our second date. If I were doing that, I wouldn't have been "present" anyway.

• Lay off the dating stuff. In the past I've tried to employ dating strategies such as trying not to seem overly interested, and stuff like that. It's served as an added source of inhibition for me, and just wasn't worth it.
  

• Don't get discouraged. Even if something doesn't go smoothly, don't worry about it. The fact of the matter is that I've actually had successful dates even on "off" nights. I immediately moved on from a couple of (tiny) things that didn't go perfectly tonight. It all goes back to staying present.

• Be patient. I didn't place too much importance on how this particular date went. This girl seems like an enormously better match for me than most of the people I've met, but there's no telling how far it'll go. All I know is that I'm going to overcome shyness, etc., and have a wonderful girl to call my very own one day - as long as I keep at this. It'll just take time.

It feels good to be back.

New Strategies

We're rapidly approaching the 9-month mark. Nine months of effort that has never once ceased.

I've been growing extremely impatient lately. Since the last fiasco, my feelings of restlessness have been greater than anything I could put into words. To some extent, that's okay. After all, could you really expect anything less from someone as determined as I? Nine months is a long time, but evidently not enough to completely reverse a situation that has had over 18 years to develop.

In my restless desire for change and excitement (the definition of impatience, verbatim), I've been overlooking much of the success of the last nine months. So far, most of my dating experiences have not generally been successful, and by their very nature, many have caused me a great deal of heartache. But from day 1, dating was always just a single part of a much larger plan.

I've been gaining tons of experience. There have been off days, but overall, we've seen my anxiety/nervousness reduced, and my confidence/conversation skills improve. Here's a quick recap of my major new experiences:

1) 25 dates we remember all too well (from match.com and eHarmony.com).

2) 3 first-time meetings with "strictly platonic" intentions (from craigslist.com).
#1: August. I was shy, but not too nervous, and we hung out again. Then, I was myself with her. We'll be hanging out for the sixth time on Saturday. The one new friend I've actually made!

#2: September. I was shy, and a little nervous too. She ignored me afterwards.

#3: January. I was completely myself - it was amazing. But she ignored me afterwards anyway.

3) One failed attempt at being friends with someone I went out on 1 date with. Just this month, but it was an off-day and I wasn't myself.

Oops. Turns out, those are the only things that qualify as "major." Of course, I met up with some groups from meetup.com, prosinthecity.com, and elsewhere, but I felt as if I didn't manage to achieve any more on those days than I did before I even started this mission.

And so, I have to do much more. It's become urgent. Urgent, because early on I decided that I wanted to make extraordinary progress within a single year. Urgent, because I can feel myself slipping into the abyss of shyness at work. The abyss where I can usually count the words I've said in a single day, and where I start to feel anxious about even trying to make conversation, because I know people won't expect it from me. That's the reality I suffered growing up, and I can't go back to that.

That said, some new strategies are in order. For one, I need to do a little (or a lot) better with the old idea of joining clubs. Group situations are the hardest for me, and as a result, my attempts so far just haven't worked. My new plan is to find something where I will be forced to get to know a group of people around my age by seeing them regularly, and where I will be forced to - you guessed it! - talk to them. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them, but the first thing I've come up with is to take an acting class. Actors are anything but shy. I'll have no choice but to talk to my classmates, and I won't even have to think of what to say, since it'll be scripted! I think it's a brilliant idea, but I'll hold off on further discussion until I try it out.

Second, I'm going to have to come up with something at work. If I have to require myself to do a certain amount of talking every day, then that's what I'll do.

Third, I'm going to continue to try to meet friends on craigslist. Believe it or not, I've been monitoring the listings all the time, but haven't met anyone other than the 3 people I mentioned. I've now moved on to posting my own ad - picture and all - and I'm corresponding with a couple people who I will try to meet up with soon.

Lastly, I need to come up with even more ideas to keep myself socially immersed, and I need to follow through with them, no matter how difficult. I'll also continue the dating, but with notion of being more patient. Like I said in July: to try is to succeed.

The Mind of a Man on a Mission

I just dumped the contents of my brain into the Daily Thoughts And Other Ramblings entry. I had neglected to use it the last four months (!), but after the last couple fiascos, I really needed to use it as an outlet.

Nightmare

As I made the lonely journey last night from the city back to my home in the suburbs, my eyes watered with tears. It felt like I had finally reached a breaking point. The "mission" looked more like "mission impossible." Only I couldn't make light of my situation with such a comparison - I had reached the depths of despair.

It started with my twenty-fifth date since launching a mission and blog aimed at developing social abilities, and a social life to go along with them. It was one of my rare second-dates - only the fourth person I had ever met up with more than once.

We were just going to dinner and a movie (her idea), and this time, I was genuinely looking forward to it. Not for the usual chance to improve my skills and gain experience, but because I thought it would actually just be lots of fun. I'd felt that our first date had been flawless, and we'd been communicating via text messages and e-mails for the past two weeks. This was unlike any other of my experiences. My new acquaintance seemed to be absolutely crazy about me. At least, in text.....

I picked her up at her home in the city. When I called her to tell her I'd arrived, I tried to continue the confidence that I exuded online.

"What's up, babe?"

But once I actually saw her person, I felt a little awkward. In the first few minutes, with me driving and her giving directions, I knew I was coming across as a little awkward and a little nervous, as I stumbled ever so slightly when I spoke. I'd had what I thought was a great little mental list of things to talk about, but after we were finally together, I failed to remember them easily. The result? Some silences to go with my slight stumbling. Stop-and-go conversation - nothing fluent. I soon began to improve a bit, but not enough.

And that was it. After about 15 minutes - before we arrived at our destination - I saw it. That far-away look in her eyes. Glancing over at my passenger, and I knew without doubt what she was thinking. I wasn't what she expected. She didn't want to be out with me.

But I was improving. By the time we were seated at the restaurant, I was quite comfortable. In fact, I was back to being "completely myself" - at least in flashes. I was doing what I always do. Keeping the conversation light and fun. Making humorous little comments, if not jokes. None of it, though, had any effect on her.

Even when the conversation seemed to be going well, she clearly wasn't interested. She kept looking at her cell phone. But it was worse than just looking. At one point, she was looking down, reading and/or writing text messages while I was trying to talk to her. I waited, and couldn't believe how long she was willing to divert her attention away from me and to her cell phone instead.

I was doing about as well as ever at times, but it was all to no avail. She didn't like anything I said, or anything I did. For example, she mentioned she had been picking up Spanish from a roommate, and I asked if she wanted to try to have a conversation with me in Spanish. She said, "Is that what you want to do?" Nope....she didn't want to humor me. At one point, she seemed to test me by asking me what I thought about Obama's "race speech" - American politics. Probably the most uncomfortable topic she could have brought up. She then proceeded to one last trial, and though I tried to keep up, I was sure I had failed that as well.

As the night went on, things mostly just continued to deteriorate. She seemed to see no humor, or even any interest in much of anything I said. And the red flag had risen - she'd stopped asking me questions, even reciprocal ones. We had time to chat and hang out before the movie started, but instead, she just kept at her cell phone (which she did throughout much of the movie as well).

On the way back to her house, she said something about me driving faster. She couldn't wait to get away from me! She asked almost zero questions of me on the way back. Not even a simple "how about you?" in response to one of mine.

She half-heartedly hugged me and said thanks for dinner - something like that - and did it as soon as I got out of the car. I told her I would walk her to her door. She didn't even turn around to look at me as she said goodbye. Instead, she spoke while unlocking and opening the door, clearly trying to avoid any possibility of a goodnight kiss.

Which brings us back to the teary-eyed ride home. Of course, I wasn't brought to tears by the mere realization that I would never see this person again. Sure, it was disappointing. We'd had a lot of fun talking online, and the first date had been great. The possibilities were endless! But that's not enough for me to suffer a breakdown.

Instead, it was the feeling that I was living a sort of nightmare. I thought about the effort I'd put into this mission of mine since July. Eight and a half months, and what did I have to show for it?

For once, I didn't have anybody else lined up. I'm not even talking to anyone else online now. There is absolutely nothing on the horizon. As for friends.... it's been hard to find them. I've met up 1-on-1 with four people just as friends. One of them I still see - amazing! I'll never take that for granted. But two of them completely ignored me after our meetings. The other I saw on Sunday, and she seemed not to even like me very much. In fact, my time with her reminds me of last night. I've seen in at least three instances that women somehow resent me when they've gone out with me and, for whatever reason, have lost interest. It's crazy! I'm friendly, I make my best effort at conversation, and I'm a gentleman who pays for everything....and what do I get? Spite?

When I arrived home, I sent this e-mail to my date. Partly because I was a little angry. Partly because I wanted to experiment. Partly because it would give me something to focus on, other than my own apparent failure. And partly because I hoped it might have the miraculous effect of giving me another chance. Here's the final exchange in its entirety:

"Hey Katie. Ok, so I hope you don't take this the wrong way.... regardless of how interested you are or aren't in someone, it's really rude to stay on your cell messages when they're taking you out. I was really annoyed at dinner and torn between letting it go and busting our evening over it...I know no one's perfect, but I feel like everyone knows better than that, so I scarcely even wanted to talk to you. I had my cell on silent, not even vibrate, and never looked at it. But yeah, don't take it the wrong way....I just got to thinking how tired I am going to be tomorrow over someone who couldn't even ignore their cell a few hours for me, and I thought it'd do us both some good for me to tell you this."

"Hey,

First I wanted to say thank you for dinner and a movie. Secondly, I want to agree with you. and thirdly, I just wanted to say I don't think this is going to work out. You are a great guy, but I am just not feeling it. I wish you good luck in everything that you do. Have a great day."

"Good luck to you too! I hope you at least had a little fun, and I'm still glad we crossed paths in this world."

I only wish that I could be as cheerful as my final farewell. Cheerful, I am not. I trudged through the workday, exhausted. Beaten down. Depressed.

During that ride home, I'd thought about giving up. I wanted to somehow escape what I was feeling, but there was no way to do it. I was forced to endure life's greatest frustration - wanting desperately to escape myself, but knowing that it was impossible.

Things are clearer now. I know that if I give up, I'll be resigning to live the life I had when I started out in July. I can't live the best years of my life like that. And I know that despite all the heartbreak, I've definitely been making progress. It looks like this last girl wouldn't have liked me for who I actually am, anyway. That, I can live with.

And so, I believe that if I somehow continue this relentless effort, I'm bound to pull this thing off eventually. If it's impossible, I'm going to be the one to prove as much.

The Date-To-Friend Experiment

Last night was the night. The night I would try something totally new: hanging out as friends with someone I'd gone on a date with. Yep - with the girl I talked about last weekend. The one who disappeared after one e-mail of our eHarmony communication, and who then re-materialized months later, asking if I was single a few days before Valentine's Day. The one who I was somewhat awkward with on our first date, but who sent me a text immediately afterwards, saying that I was "clearly a great guy." She somehow lost interest before we could go out again, and I'd decided to experiment by texting her my true thoughts - that I thought she was "really special." She said she'd love to be friends, and so came last night....

Unfortunately, the story of last night isn't as interesting, or as good, as that recap. I picked her up, and we went to a comedy hypnosis show. As fascinating as it was, my interest in the show couldn't compare to my interest in becoming comfortable with my companion, who I hoped would become just my third (my dear, remote Facebook buddies not included) friend in this world.

Become comfortable, I did not. I felt a little "off" from the start, but not as bad as many times past. Even still, my efforts to make conversation were ineffective. I had a few things in mind going in, and asked questions - just like always. Most of the answers were brief, but that was the least of my worries.

Before long, I noticed the proverbial red flag that you and I have discovered through my dating experience. She wasn't asking me many questions! In fact, I'm pretty sure I can count on one hand the questions she asked me all night. As for intangibles, the vibes I felt from her ranged from "not good" to just plain bad. It was completely different from the day we'd met for a date. At one point, she made a wise-crack in response to something I said. It didn't feel like the comments I make when I'm teasing others. Maybe it was just that she didn't smile when she said it, but it felt somehow scornful. The ensuing awkward silence didn't break until I came up with something else to say, trying to downplay the incident. In my mind, I implored her to help me out and ask some questions - but to no avail. Lots of people have failed to ask questions, but this was worse, because she seemed to be talking minimally about herself as well.

We didn't have to speak for about 3 hours during the show, and I spent much of the time worrying about the ordeal, trying to figure out how to turn it around. I decided to try to just relax and be natural - after all, we were just hanging out as friends - but I didn't do any better afterwards.

She only lives about 10 minutes away from the comedy club, so we didn't actually spend much time chatting. I wondered what it would have been like if we had gone out to dinner together - yikes!! My overall impression was that for some reason, she didn't like much very much anymore. And I wasn't crazy about her anymore, either. I may be a little nervous sometimes, but at least I'm friendly and put forth my best effort at conversation.

And so, I'll try to brush it off and just keep moving forward. I have a date tomorrow with someone who I actually felt a friendship vibe with. How backwards! Hopefully I won't regress on that one, but regardless of how it goes, I'll do my best and just keep moving forward. As for this girl....she's been an experiment all along. Last night was a little painful, but I won't swear her off just yet. After all - I don't have anything to lose.

Another Experiment in Transparency

Last weekend, I had a pleasant surprise. The girl I met a few weeks ago - the amazing one, who I was completely and hopelessly nervous with - finally responded to the e-mail I had sent her afterwards. I thought it was a perfect opportunity to experiment again with transparency. I wondered how she'd react if I told her exactly what I was thinking. So I did.

--------
Me to Her, Feb 22
Hey Jan. It was fun seeing you the other day, in the flesh and all. You know I thought you looked different in person, and I just figured it out - no nose ring! At least, I didn't notice one :) Anyway, hope your bibliography turned out well and you came out of the ice storm unscathed for once. =)

Her to me, Mar 8
Hey James! Omg i am so sorry for getting back to you so late! I have been overloaded with work since we last saw each other.. In fact, I am approaching finals very soon! It was fun meeting you, I had a good time. And yes, you are right, I got rid of my nose ring because my mother absolutely hated it.. she let me wear it for 3 years and made me swear that I would remove it when i go back to school.. to be honest, i do miss it.

Well I hope you are well. I just wanted to let you know, things are gonna be kinda crazy for me because of school and don't know if I will have much time for anything else.. but thanks again for hanging out with me! :) It was nice to talk with someone outside of school. Take care!!

Janet

Me to Her
Hey Jan. Good to hear from you :) Well it looks like it's safe for me to confess this now...I think you're amazing! Actually so much that I was so nervous with you I literally couldn't even speak...hahaha! As I'm sure you noticed! Good luck on finals and everything :)

Her to Me
I have to say that was a very sweet email.. i have never heard anything like that before and so I can honestly say that I am pretty embarrassed. It sucks that school is really sucking up all my time, it would be very unfair for you since you live all the way in Brookline. But I want you to know that I think you are seriously really sweet and have seriously the nicest smile! Please feel free to call me when you are bored or if you are ever in Boston.. I am done with finals on Friday and am planning on going out to celebrate.. you are more than welcome to come out if you want. I will be out of the country on March 17th- the time has finally arrived for me to go to Peru.. so this weekend I want to just have fun :) Anyhow, I hope you choose to keep in touch. Jan

PS Are you on facebook? Can I add you? I totally want to share Peru pictures with you!

Me to Her
Yeah, are you the one in the LA network with the family profile photo? My last name is Napolitano....it might have been your last name in a couple years too if I hadn't been so nervous, cause ordinarily you wouldn't have been able to resist me.
--------

Of course, the names of the people and cities have been changed. I'll unshroud the mystery of who I am and what I look like after I finish this thing. But for now, I thought it would be fun to give you a glimpse into what goes on during "the mission." In this case, I don't think trying to be friends with her will work.....but I'm hanging out on Sunday with the first date-turned-friend I created a week ago, also by being transparent. I'll let you know how it goes.