Doing The Impossible: First Pickup

In the lonely years before this blog, I had one simple question. How do people meet other people? Since beginning my mission, I've come up with a few solutions. Meeting people online, joining clubs, and now meeting friends of friends have all been helpful. Last night, though, I finally discovered the single, absolute answer to my question.
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I went to a small nightclub to celebrate Amorita's birthday, for the second week in a row. I invited Cathy, but she couldn't make it. When I found my friend on the dance floor, she introduced me to a few of her other friends. I only managed to ask a couple of questions about the environment until I got to speak to someone alone. I introduced myself to one of the boyfriends, then asked if he'd been to the club before. I followed up with some questions about where he'd driven in from, which led to other stuff like our jobs and traffic. When there were pauses in the conversation, I thought of new questions or comments, but it was all pretty natural this time. Topics were coming to mind from my interactions last week, and it was making a difference. Practice makes perfect.

I was warming up. As far as I can tell, I have slain the beast of inhibition, and it now just takes me a little while to loosen up in a new environment.

I walked over to our table, where some other people with our party were sitting. I introduced myself to one girl, but she said we'd already met last week. Really? I didn't remember it at all.
From this point, I decided that if I wasn't sure if I had already met someone, I would just assume that I already had. It was the perfect opportunity to practice assumed rapport, the key principle I observed last week.

I was feeling good. The girl Liz who I spent so much time playing with last week was there, but this time, she had brought her fiance. When I saw him, I immediately smiled at them and introduced myself. She had told me a lot about him - and that's exactly what I told him. I knew he was a soccer fanatic, so I asked him all about it, and he seemed happy to talk about it. I stood around the table chatting with him and the first guy I'd talked to earlier, and....you guessed it! I was myself. Conversation, lighthearted humor...it was all coming easily. I didn't have any fancy conversation topics from the blog in mind. Instead, I just started out asking obvious questions, like whether they'd been to any other clubs in the area. The conversation skills I've developed in the past year were serving me well, and I realized it was one of the few times I've gotten to play with other males during the mission.

That was awesome, but for whatever reason, I have an easier time cutting loose and playing with women.

Back on the dance floor, I danced with a group of hot Asian girls. They were dancing with each other, but unlike one of the times I went out alone, I didn't feel intimidated. I interacted with them, winking at the cutest one, shouting "you go girl!", and stuff like that.

I was the only one in the club wearing sunglasses, so I figured I stood out. I spotted a tall, slim, attractive, fair-skinned girl with dark hair on the dance floor, and when she saw me, I heard her say "look at this guy!" She came over to me, and took my hands. We only danced for a moment, and then she backed away a bit, and seemed to be trying to show me the correct motions. We starting dancing again, and she turned her back to me and moved her body into mine. It was sexy, but after a couple of moments, her friends interrupted us.

I stood by as she talked to them. My only interaction with her in life had been a couple minutes of sporadic dancing, but I simply acted as if we were a couple and I was waiting for her. The principle of assuming rapport seemed to be working, because I started to feel as if we were actually together.

That girl tried to find some other guys to dance with, so I got the idea that she didn't think I was a very good dancer. It only took me about a minute to realize that it didn't matter. The dance floor was tiny compared to the others I've been on, so I headed back to my party's table to find someone else to play with.

By now, I was totally warmed up. I was ready to act a fool.

I was standing by our table dancing, and one of the girls - who I didn't remember ever seeing - said to me, "You're a really good dancer." I asked if it was sarcasm, and she said yes. I don't think we had ever met, but I acted as if we were close friends or relatives, and joked with her about my dancing, and teased her for criticizing me while not dancing herself. I busted out moves over by the table, not caring if I stood out. I sang along and swayed my arms to "Hip-Hop Hooray," and did whatever else I wanted to do.

I treated the girl as my new Liz, and periodically joked around with her all night, even when she looked more annoyed than anything else.

Back to the dance floor! Whether it be "the dance floor," a date, or any other situation, the opportunity to play without inhibition is extremely exciting.

It was late, so the small dance floor had cleared out quite a bit. I spotted an attractive Hispanic girl walking on. I had been "present" the whole night, instead of ruminating about anything mentally, so I knew from observation that she wasn't with anybody. Without hesitation (critical for much of this stuff), I walked over and started dancing with her. I heard her friend say "get him!", so I knew she was going to play.

She said something to me, but I couldn't make it out. Instead, I just assumed it was positive. We danced facing each other for a couple of minutes, and I slowed down, relaxed, and was in rhythm. Soon, she turned her back and moved her body into mine. There was no one dancing near us, so we were going to be putting on a show.

We moved our pelvises rhythmically into each other. I put one hand around her waist, then another. I explored her hips and bare belly with my hands as I held her, while leaning forward and smelling the long, pretty hair that was in my face. I took one of her hands and raised it above her head, then did the same with another at some point while we danced. It was a sensual move I knew of only from observing couples in recent outings.

We were together for a pretty long time, and at moments our activity probably seemed more like simulated sex than dancing. I looked toward my party's table, and saw one of the girls I'd talked to, Jamie, watching us. She seemed to be in awe. Eventually, my dance partner turned around, and I held her in my arms for a moment while she tried to tell me something in my ear. I wasn't sure what she said - maybe that she would be right back - but I decided to go see what was going on with my group.

All the while, Amorita had been up to her usual antics: interacting with countless people and effortlessly making friends. After being the center of attention on the dance floor, I was feeling more confident than ever, and had a thought: Why don't I try to do what she does?

I had never tried initiating a conversation with a random person at a bar. In fact, I had never been to a bar before the mission. Between my confidence and new understanding of assumed rapport, it suddenly didn't seem like a difficult task. Not at all.

Drink in hand (orange juice...I'm doing all of these things without even a sip of alcohol), I walked around the lounge. There were tables seating groups on the sides; a bar in the middle with a few seats; the dance floor, and individuals or groups standing around everywhere in-between. That was all I had to work with.

The first time around, I thought about talking to a guy who was standing and nursing a drink, but decided against it. I was feeling positive, and didn't have even a moment's thought of giving up, or of anything else negative. I instead walked around again, and this time saw a pair of girls talking to each other, but decided against interrupting.

Finally, I noticed a young lady by the bar sitting with a drink, with a somewhat bored expression on her face. I had an opening phrase in mind from earlier, but otherwise didn't do any thinking. I walked over, bent down, and said, "What's going on over here?" without any hesitation. I learned that she was with a birthday party, and I told her that I was as well. I asked if she was dancing, and she said no. I stood up, and it was a brief lull in the conversation. I thought momentarily about just leaving, but then she asked, "What's your name?"

I then knew immediately that she wanted to continue our conversation. I said it was nice to meet her, and then one of us asked another question. I knelt down beside her, and it was just like any of the other successful conversations I've talked about here. I soon learned that she was from New York City, and commented that I didn't hear her accent. I asked how she liked the new city, and stuff like that. Really, it was mostly the type of conversation that I've encountered on my first 36 dates or so. All of that experience was paying off, because this was a piece of cake! Not only that, but I was effortlessly making humorous comments throughout the conversation.

We talked for about 10 minutes, and I realized what was happening. I had synthesized everything I'd learned in over a year of dedication to my mission, and I was only a moment away from what had long seemed impossible. I was about to, for the first time in my entire life, meet someone at random. It hadn't even crossed my mind when I decided to first speak to her, but I was now only one more question away from having completed a pickup. All I had to do was ask her for her phone number.

I hadn't planned to even attempt any milestones like a pickup that night. Instead, I was merely exploring the new world that has opened up to me since I've defeated inhibition. I hadn't even stopped to think whether or not I had any interest in the girl. I realized that in the next moment, but thought that I should ask for her phone number regardless, simply for the experience and for the milestone. In the next moment, I realized that she was both attractive and nice! I was interested.

Those thoughts rushed through my mind, but I was still pretty calm internally, and completely cool on the outside.

We had talked so long that I actually didn't quite remember her name. I said, "Pronounce your name for me again." I repeated it back, and that was it. One more phrase.

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket, flipped it open, and asked, "What's your phone number?"

It was that simple.

She said, "But I already have a boyfriend."

I was unphased.

"Ah, okay. It was nice talking to you."

I've studied these things online, so I was familiar with the situation, despite never having experienced it. This, though, was better than anything I would have imagined.

She added, "He knows I don't have friends though." I understood that she was just trying to make friends. Lo and behold, that's what I would have preferred, anyway! I pulled my phone back out, flipped it open, and said, "Ok, lets do it then."

She gave me her phone number, and verified that my cell phone entry was correct. I excused myself, and told her I'd talk to her later.

As I walked back to my group, I finally knew the answer to my question, How do people meet other people?

They talk to them.

The Office - Update

I've been keeping the blog up-to-date with the most interesting events of my social life, but there has been much more going on than I've had time to write about. In particular, it's been a long time since I've revisited one critical situation: the office.

I started my first job a little over 8 months ago. At the time, I thought it would be, in essence, my secret weapon in the mission. The idea was that it would provide me with a perfectly consistent 8 hours per day of social opportunities, where I'd be immersed, and would have no choice but to interact with people regularly. That seemed like a great way to boost my skills - so how has it been turning out?

Starting out, it really wasn't so great. For the first several months, my job just didn't require me to interact much with my coworkers, and so I didn't see much improvement, if any. Instead of growing, I simply adapted to the situation, as I probably could have even before the mission.

In the past couple months or so, things have really started to pick up. I write computer software, and now other people have started testing my project, so I've had many more opportunities to interact. Far away now are the days when I'd go to work and come home having said so few words that I could count them on my fingers. I've been working with other developers, testers, my manager, and the company president on all kinds of technical stuff. I've become very comfortable in most of these situations. I can usually speak clearly and confidently, but still, there are some issues.

With my peers, I have no problem at all. I'm reserved at work, but it's professional, so I don't expect it to to be like the spectacular socializing I've been talking about lately. (Actually, there is an extreme difference at this point. I'm a social Clark Kent at work, and a social Superman when I leave).

With my manager, I'm about just as good. He's a super nice, funny guy, and I see and talk to him almost every day. He's that rare, special type of person who makes everyone feel comfortable.

I work for a small company, where the President is also a super nice, great guy. He has a heart of gold and, in fact, I can't say that I've known anyone nicer. I don't see him every day though, and it's been obvious that for some reason, I get a little nervous when I work with him. Case in point: I am a straight up wizard when it comes to computers, and especially what I do at work. The other day, I was showing him something on my laptop, though, and felt some anxiety. I became tentative in performing what would ordinarily be as easy for me as breathing. I suppose it's the whole "authority figure" thing that many shy people have issues with, and it sucks.

On a smaller scale, I can see the same issue with my manager. When I've wanted to come in a little early so that I could leave a little early for an appointment, I've avoided asking, even though I know he wouldn't mind the slightest bit. Despite all of my other progress, it's a mental roadblock. I'm not yet sure how to shake my inhibition and be myself with these people, who own and run my company. Outside of work, the thing that has worked best has been joking around. What am I supposed to do - tease these guys? I'm not sure, but I'll figure it out. These are the last few remaining obstacles on the mission.

In spite of the roadblocks, I demonstrated some pretty spectacular progress last week, and I wish you could have been there to see it. For the first time since graduate school, I had to give a presentation, this time in front of my manager and about 11 others.

Before the mission, this would have been the most daunting of tasks. In college and graduate school, I went to the extreme of avoiding classes altogether if I knew I would have to give a presentation. When I had no choice but to deal with them, I worried for days, and felt the strongest feeling of anxiety during performance, which at times led to talking fast, shaking, stumbling, and all kinds of stuff you are probably all too familiar with.

This time, I (deliberately) didn't worry about it at all. I prepared a few hours before, and that was it.

When the time came, I simply showed up. It was an informal atmosphere, in a room full of people I'd talked to comfortably one-on-one in the past, so I knew I should be fine. For this presentation, I could sit down, so I took full advantage. I slouched slightly in my chair, recalling the "high status" confident body language my acting instructor once mentioned. I allowed myself to feel fully confident, knowing without doubt that I knew the topic of the presentation - my own work - far better than anyone else.

My state of mind was reflected in my voice - clear and confident. To my surprise, I was able to answer questions easily, giving clear explanations without any stumbling. If I made a slight error, I simply ignored it and moved on.

With each answered question, I felt more and more confident. When my manager was called away from the room, I had to take over and guide the discussion, explaining features of my product without questions to prompt me. I was amazed at how easily I could do it. Smooth, calm, relaxed - it was the antithesis of most of my past experiences with presentations.

After the nearly 2-hour presentation was over, my manager thanked me and complimented me several times. "Great job." He wasn't just being nice - it was actually really good! I had improved vastly from my school days without actually practicing, so I can't help but think that specific presentation skills are far less important than the mental skills of being relaxed and confident.

As I continue to gain a better understanding of how I'm able to pull these things off, I promise to help elucidate the technique for everyone else. In the meantime, I still have those few barriers to deal with. Tomorrow, I'm going out to lunch, for the first time, with my manager, the President, and one of the other founders of the company. Today, I couldn't even seem to think of anything to say to the other founder, who is from France and is only in town this week. Still, though I'm in no way worried about tomorrow, and instead embrace the opportunity.

How will I open up with these guys? Do I really have to play tease and play around with them, as if they were the 20-something-year-old girls I've talked about in other posts?

Don't put it past me: I'm on a mission.

The Beginning of the End

The year before I started the mission, I thought about happiness. I tried to accept my situation, thinking that I was, at least at times, happy in spite of my severe lack of social contact. I reasoned that "happiness is happiness." In other words, if I'm at home alone watching a TV show that makes me laugh, I'm happy, right? It didn't really matter if I missed out on socializing, as long as I could find something that made me feel happy at the moment....right?

Wrong.

Last night, I realized that, before the mission, I was missing out on an entirely different kind of happiness. A kind that I simply could not imagine. The kind of thing you have to actually experience before you have any idea at all what you've been missing.


It was one of my first opportunities to try branching out, making connections with other friends of one of the two friends I've made since last year. Amorita invited me to her birthday party at a bar in the city.

This time, I didn't give it much forethought. When the night arrived, I simply went. None of the usual mental strategizing. I knew that I'd become quite close to Amorita, and I'm completely uninhibited when I'm with her. The idea was to see how I would feel being with both her and new people at the same time. After a year, it was hard to see how I could be shy or inhibited while with Amorita. Not only that, but it had also been over a month since I declared my inhibition dead, and outside of the office, it had failed to rear its ugly head since.

I read the wrong time on the invitation, and showed up to the bar half an hour early. I called Amorita, and it turned out she was across the street, eating dinner with one of her other friends. She suggested that I come sit with them. It would be my first test.

I had met her best friend Meniki, a beautiful, intelligent, mature Sri Lankan girl, once before at a party. When Amorita flagged me down as I passed by, I went over and greeted them both, without any forethought. I took a seat and continued without conscious thought, asking what was up, and what they'd been up to.

It didn't take long for me to see that I was myself. I joked and teased with Amorita as we usually do, and Meniki's presence didn't make a bit of difference. I felt better and better as I warmed up, and felt smooth, calm, and confident. This state of mind was reflected in my tone of voice.

We were sitting outside, where a man selling roses passed by our table. I had an impulse buy one for Amorita, since she had just mentioned that we were celebrating her birthday (a week and a half early). I motioned for the vendor to come over, and asked for an orange rose. He pulled out two, which was even better. After I bought them, I smoothly said, "Ladies..." and gave each of my friends a rose.

The three of us noticed the waiter looking extremely irritated after shattering a glass at one of the other tables. When he came by to check on us, Amorita tried to cheer him up by starting a conversation. He (a pretty creepy guy) responded by standing next to our table ceaselessly, even with major lulls in the conversation. He mentioned that his birthday was the day after mine, and I immediately raised my hand to give him a high-five. When I'm myself, I have impulses to do these things, and I now follow them - usually without any forethought whatsoever.

For some reason, Meniki invited the creepy waiter to hang out with us at the party later on, though soon regretted it. When he finally left us alone, it gave me a chance to interact with her a lot more. I joked with her about adding fuel to the fire started by Amorita in getting the waiter interested in them, and the three of us tried to figure out the best metaphor to describe the situation. This continued after the waiter asked whether Meniki was single, and the whole situation gave me a great opportunity to joke around. It may just be the nature of my real personality, but here in the blog, we've seen that teasing and joking around is invariably what helps me to relax and be myself. It is my self.

When the time came to meet more of Amorita's friends across the street, I deliberately retained my calm state of mind. I planned to just go with the flow.

I could feel that my response to being introduced to the others was different than the way these things have felt at times when I was inhibited. Then, it usually felt as if I was following a script from memory, with the perfunctory "Nice to meet you." Last night, though, it seemed as if my actions and words were coming from my feelings instead of from my thoughts.

For starters, I stood upstairs at the televisions in front of the bar, with a few of my new acquaintances. I made some small talk, but it was hard to hear, and I could feel that I needed to warm up once again with them. Early on, I got isolated from the conversations (due to the loud music in the room), and started to get stuck going over thoughts in my head. I was determined not to fall victim to rumination, and instead forced myself to stay present whenever that happened. It took a few minutes, but I was able to do it.

Soon, things started to shape up. I got a chance to talk 1 on 1 with a girl (actually, these are all women around age 27, a few years older than me) named Liz, who works with Amorita. She commented on the blazing fast speed of one of the Olympians running on TV, and I followed my impulse to say, "Reminds me of myself!" She asked if I ran track and field, and I started joking around with her. I said something like, "Well....I ran on a track once." She said, "So you're a smartass."

It was the start of an interesting exchange. I know, of course, that her perception of me was completely at odds with the image of any shy person.

I continued joking around with her, instinctively pushing her buttons when I wanted to get a rise out of her, giving me the opportunity for some more kidding around. When I'm able to be myself like that, it's amazing how much joking I do, and how easily I do it.

Liz became frustrated with me at times that night, but mostly in a friendly, funny sort of way. The key concept that I observed from playing with her was rapport. In my research for the mission, I once came across a wonderful quote:

"Usually the best way to break the ice with someone is to assume there never was any ice to begin with." -- Steve Pavlina

The point is that I had just met Liz. Only minutes after meeting this person, she was already calling me a smartass, and I was already joking around with her as if she were a close friend. I didn't treat her as a stranger, or as a "new person," and she behaved precisely the same way toward me. We completely ignored the fact that we had just met, and, without conscious thought, acted no differently than if we had been friends for years. It's assumed rapport, and it makes all the difference.

I was having a lot of fun. When the USA swimming team won the 4x100 relay, I raised my fist in victory, cheered loudly, and high-fived Liz and one of the other two girls I'd been chatting with.
I stayed and kept the three girls company for about an hour, and then finally headed over to the dance floor with the rest of the group.

It's here that I have to tell you that Amorita is absolutely amazing. When we first entered the bar, she was immediately talking to one of the security guards about something. At the time, I thought it was someone she already knew, but I was wrong. She had just started talking to him in that moment! Later, she found him and talked to him again, trying to cheer him up after some problem with management that made him want to quit his job.

Now, on the dance floor, I found Amorita dancing and talking with a group of very cool people that I didn't realize were with us. Soon, they were playing around, then even taking pictures together. I thought that they must have been friends that I didn't get introduced to, but at the end of the night I found out that she had just met them.

Lots of people are friendly and gregarious, but not to the extent of Amorita. I bring it up because I feel amazingly lucky to be friends with her, but also because she's the paradigm when it comes to social skills. I don't think anyone in the world makes friends faster or more easily, and it's all because she assumes rapport. My time spent with her the last year or so has been proof of Steve Pavlina's quote about breaking the ice.

What about me? It was my first time on a dance floor with a group of people that I knew. I felt better than ever! I danced and had a good time, free from inhibition. I danced, danced, and danced some more, even when not many others were dancing. At some point, I even ended up doing a little bump-and-grind with one of the girls. She had been hanging out with our group, but I had no idea whether or not she was with us. In a couple of hours, Amorita had made friends with so many new people that I just couldn't tell anymore.

I was following impulses. When Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance with Somebody was played, some of the people around me started singing along. With barely even a moment of hesitation, I joined in, and sang at the top of my lungs. Another first. No self-consciousness.

When the bar closed up, we headed next door to get some pizza. On the way out, the huge, 6'3, 300 pound security guard from the bar was standing by the door. He complimented (i.e., hit on) Menika, saying that she was wearing a nice dress, and that he liked her outfit. Despite his size, I didn't perceive him as an intimidating figure - especially after Amorita had made friends with him - and I had an impulse to speak to him. I said, pointing at myself playfully, "What about me? Do you like my outfit?"

He said, "Your outfit..... it's alright....yeah, I like it."

Nice guy. The point is to ignore any perceptions that suggest people won't want to play with you. Those perceptions are almost always deceitful, and they're one of the main weapons of the bane of shyness. You have to assume rapport.

There were a bunch of people, but I got the feeling that Meniki, Liz, and myself were among Amorita's closest friends, because we were the last ones together at the end of the night.

First, we walked Liz to her car. She asked me where I'd parked, and when I tried to make fun of myself for not remembering, she interpreted as me being a smartass again, and started to storm off. I cleared things up skillfully, without making it into anything at all serious.

I'd felt quite a bit tighter in the pizza shop, where I sat with two people who I didn't much interact with earlier at the bar. Now, though, I felt perfect with this small group, which consisted of 3 girls who I'd been at ease talking to 1-on-1 earlier. When I realized that I'd been calling Liz by the wrong name all night, I fessed up and joked a little bit about it. There was no inhibition.

At Liz's car, she first hugged Amorita, then Meniki. I wondered for a moment if it made since for me to hug her as well, since we had just met that night. Again, though, she assumed rapport, and we hugged. I then insisted on walking Amorita and Meniki back to their car. I brought up the creepy waiter incident, and played around with Meniki, saying that I would shield her from sight. It was an improvised game I came up with when I met a new friend last week - an instance of experience providing me with material, making an obvious difference.

I noticed that I was perfectly smooth, relaxed, and confident as I said goodbye. I hugged Meniki, while telling her to have a good time in Vegas next week. I hugged Amorita (actually, for the first time ever), while telling her I'd see her next weekend. I told them to drive safe, and one of the best nights of my life was coming to a close.

On the way back to my car, I felt overjoyed. It was an indescribable feeling of happiness, beyond anything I've ever felt or could have imagined.

I realized that I had hugged five people that night. I had experienced affection from five people who I would never have known without the mission. I would have been completely oblivious to their existence had I not spent hours browsing the craigslist 'strictly platonic' section last summer, determined to make friends and turn my life around. Finally, I felt as if I no longer needed to struggle. I had achieved a sense of peace.

It's the kind of thing you have to actually experience before you have any idea at all what you've been missing.

Online Friend Meeting #5

If my math is right, I've now met up with exactly 31 people after talking to them on the Internet. It's a heck of a lot easier to find people with romantic interest than people who just want to be friends, so an overwhelming majority of those - 26 out of 31 - have been dates.

I've talked a lot about the dates, but if you haven't been reading all along, you may be wondering - what about the platonic hookups?

I ended up becoming great friends with the first. She was actually the first person I ever met on my mission, back on August 9, 2007. On August 9, 2008, I sent her a text message, saying Happy Anniversary. At first she didn't know what I was talking about, but the date was extremely significant for me. After all, she alone comprised 50% of my friend base until recently. I hung out with her until the wee hours of last Friday night, and I marveled at how great it was to spend time with her. With where I've come from, I know I'll never take a friendship for granted.

The second one was a one-and-done. We had exchanged long e-mails all summer, but that ended up just seeming like a waste. I sent her an e-mail after our Starbucks meetup, and she had almost nothing to say. Then I e-mailed one more time to say hello, and never heard from her again. We're "friends" on facebook, but that couldn't be more meaningless.

The third one was amazing. For the first time ever, I had managed to be myself with someone. No if's, and's, or but's about it. She apparently didn't want to be friends (her loss), because I texted her twice afterwards, and never heard from her again.

The fourth was recent, and worked out well. I wasn't really myself the day we met, but she's super sweet and liked me just the same. We've already hung out twice since then, and have been keeping in touch. I'm now completely comfortable with her.

And then came today.

Last spring on match.com, I'd started talking to a girl who lived in another part of the country, but who had been planning to move to my area this summer. I told her that I was done with match.com, but would love to be friends after she moved to town. She responded enthusiastically, and we exchanged e-mails for the last several months to keep in touch. Finally, she was here.

We became facebook friends before meeting up, and from her profile, I learned that we had a lot of stuff in common that we'd never talked about over e-mail. That was good - plenty of conversation topics to keep in mind.

I felt a little anxious in the time leading up to our first meeting. I was very tired from having gotten little sleep (partly due to my new nightclub addiction) last night, so that worried me a little. More so than that, though, I just wanted it to go well. I hadn't met anyone new in almost a month, so I wondered briefly if I'd be a little rusty. Rusty is not what I wanted to be - I really liked this person, and wanted nothing more than to continue our friendship off-line.

One interesting note is that this girl is attractive. Very much so. Now, I point this out because it's actually relevant. I liked her very much as a person, plus she was attractive. Combine that with the fact that we originally had mutual romantic interest (presumably) in each other while communicating through a dating site, and you can't help but wonder - how could I not be interested in dating her, and vice versa?

I didn't want to date her. With the way all of my dates have turned out, it never seemed to be worth the risk of missing out on a new friendship - something that would last. I decided that, no matter what, I would only be friends with her. Even if she ended up being madly in love with me, I would still only be friends with her! No exceptions. I didn't want to add to any anxiety by allowing for even the remote possibility of romance, like I ended up doing in the date-to-friend experiment. Before I asked her to meet up, I made sure to mention that I was currently dating someone (at the time, I was!) so that there would be no question.

But I digress.

Instead of the usual Starbucks, I suggested that we hang out and play some pool - just like that third time when I'd managed to be myself.

I saw her standing outside, and she looked remarkably like her online photos. Besides that, I didn't do much more analysis. It's always fascinating to meet people after talking to them online for a long time, and so it's easy to get caught up thinking about how similar or different something is from what you imagined, but I had planned to avoid that. Instead, I just stayed present. Yep - you know the drill.

We made some smalltalk as we walked inside the pool hall and went up to the bar. She ordered a Shirley Temple, and when the bartender asked for my order, I asked for milk. Skim milk, to be exact. It was a joke that I'd mentioned to (lets call her) Cathy over e-mail, but she didn't laugh. It might not have been very funny, but it's definitely something I would have been too inhibited to have done months ago.

Then, without sitting down to drink, we started playing pool. I had expected to sit and chat for a while, but instead, we just got right to the game. A couple that sounded like they were on a first date was playing directly next to us, and I noticed they were doing a lot more talking than we were. I had plenty of conversation topics in mind, but I didn't have a good feel for how to talk about anything at length while playing pool at the same time. I only asked a question here and there, but didn't worry about it, because she was doing the same - probably a little less.

After the first game or so, I thought to myself - I'm sure glad this isn't a date. If it were, I'd be very worried right about now, because this would be pretty bad.

But it wasn't a date. I saw her checking out the Olympics on TV, and made some conversation about it, and a little more about some other things. Before long, I was getting pretty comfortable, and started making lots of jokes and humorous comments about the pool game. We were both terrible.

After the first couple games or so, I realized that we were actually playing together pretty darn well. No, not playing as in playing the game of pool. I'm talking about play in general - our interaction with each other. We weren't really having a conversation about anything, but we were constantly making fun of each other's skills; I celebrated a lucky shot by raising my hands in the air victoriously; I mockingly offered her a high-five, which she rejected; we improvised a bowling game, with her rolling billiard balls toward the triangle, which I lifted to catch the ball; I mocked her "gutter balls" in that game; I danced a little to a song she pointed out to me; stuff like that. For my part, I was really starting to be myself again.

That said, I wasn't perfect. I bumbled a few sentences, but I still do a little of that even with the first friend I made over a year ago, so I knew not to worry much about it.

After about 2 hours and 6 or 7 games of pool, she said she needed to head home and get changed for Church. It was 3:45 and Mass was at 5:30, so I wasn't sure if maybe the development was a negative one, but I stayed present instead of analyzing.

As we walked outside, I accidentally stepped on the back of her shoe. I apologized and had the reflex of touching her gently on the back at the same time. A mere nuance, but I realized my comfort with physically touching people (women in particular) had developed only recently with my time spent in crowded nightclubs.

Outside, she spotted a teaching assistant from her school who she apparently despised, so she tried to move where she couldn't be seen. Without any forethought, I playfully put my hands up and moved sideways in front of her as she walked in effort to hide her.

It was time to part ways. I made a little more conversation, but bumbled a sentence asking about her middle name - drat! A couple of sentences later, she said something like "Well this was fun. I'm glad we met. You have my e-mail and phone number, so if you want to hang out again..." Somewhere during that speech, I said the word yeah, and afterwards, I said "Talk to you later."
She said to have a safe trip home, and I said "you too."

Overall, I think it was pretty good. The only thing that really bothers me is the occasional bumbled sentence, but I'm okay with it because I don't think it ought to matter - especially not in a strictly platonic interaction like this one.

Nothing would make me happier than to continue being friends with her. Really - I care a lot more about that than any dating, and you know how strongly I've felt about that stuff at times.
I'm pretty comfortable with her already, and I'm sure I'll only get more and more so when we hang out again.

Finally, I have some plans. There has been a total breakdown in the dating world - I can't seem to even find anyone I'm interested in online right now - so I am shifting the mission to some new strategies.

Actually, what I have in mind isn't entirely new. When I wrote up my initial plans, an important strategy was to branch out from the friends that I made. Simply put, I was going to make friends with friends of my new friends. I ended up meeting a few "friends of a friend" at a party, but I didn't manage to make connections with any of them.

Now, I have a couple new opportunities. (It's so awkward writing this stuff without telling you these people's names - lets call the first friend I made Amorita). Amorita is having 2 birthday parties in the next couple of weeks. I'll go to both, and simply try to play with some of her other friends, hopefully making a connection or two.

I also have a more ambitious idea. I'm religious, but don't regularly attend Church - I've only been twice in the past 10 years or more - but Cathy mentioned something about a young adult group at her church, and it got me thinking. I didn't mention it last year, but one of my original ideas for meeting new people was to join a church. I'm thinking that maybe I will ask Cathy about joining her church, which she must still be relatively new to, and attends regularly with another friend. In exchange for a new commitment, I'd be gaining a wonderful opportunity to do a lot of branching out in Year 2 of the mission.

No hurry on that. In the meantime, I want to try something else new: So far, none of my friends have met each other. I'm planning to invite Cathy to come with me to Amorita's party at a nightclub the week after next. If she accepts, it'll be interesting, and a whole lot of fun.

Dance Dance Revolution

After the amazing time I had at the nightclub last weekend, I was dying to go back. I kept thinking about it, and by Monday, I started planning to go back Friday so I would only have to wait a few more days. Then I decided to go out to clubs on both Friday and Saturday! I looked forward to it all week, but it wasn't distracting. I was more focused at work than I had been in months, perhaps partly because I was happy about making definite progress with the mission, yet free from any of the usual concerns - having to make a phone call after a date, wondering if there would be another, and all of that.

Friday night, I ended up at the same club as last week, after trying another place that was almost empty. To my surprise, the club was a lot different this time. The music was almost entirely different - mostly rap this time - and there wasn't much diversity in the crowd, but they were still mostly my age. The main dance floor felt a lot different this time without the exciting trance/techno music that people were jumping up and down to last time. People seemed to be moving a lot less, and I wondered if I would be able to defeat inhibition like I did less than a week ago.

That issue turned out to be entirely in my head. Soon, I decided that I was going to stay, I was going to have fun, and I was going to practice the skills I've been writing about.

I was going to stay in the moment, observe, and let go to follow my impulses.

It's dark inside these places. The last time I was there, though, I saw a guy making out with a beautiful girl. He looked very cool, and was wearing sunglasses. So during the week, I figured, why don't I wear sunglasses? Hey, if it worked for him....

I pulled my shades out of my pocket, put them on, and started dancing my way to a crowded spot on the floor.

Within minutes, I had let go of much of my self-consciousness and inhibition, and was back to dancing away. I tried to dance with some women, and it was pretty much the same as last week. For a while, it looked like I wasn't going to manage to do much dancing with a woman, but I was happy just to try.

I was dancing in a spot behind a group of girls - looking quite cool with my sunglasses - and I noticed that one of the girls facing me was trying to get her friend's attention. She was pointing at me! I inferred that she was trying to tell her friend that there was a good-looking guy to dance with behind her. She failed to get a response from her friend, and so, she took matters into her own.... "hands."

This girl was tall, and pretty attractive. She walked over in front of me, and started dancing. I'll keep the blog PG-13 and just tell you that she started grinding with me. It was pretty amazing - one of the items on my life's to-do list, and yet, it was so easy! The hard part would have been initiating it, and I didn't even have to do that part. I danced with her, but was a little reserved with the grinding since it was my first time.

I went back to dancing alone and, occasionally, gently putting my hand on a woman's waist after dancing behind her for a little while. I was having a bit of a problem with hesitation - it seemed to work out better for other guys when they didn't hesitate.

As it turned out, I didn't really have to do any initiating, other than as an exercise for building my courage and fighting inhibition. Another girl came up and started grinding with me as well. I wouldn't have been interested in her at all, but I wasn't going to reject anyone. Instead, I was just going to learn from the experience, and have fun! I modeled my dancing after a nearby couple, and it suffices to say we were all over each other. After a while, another, more attractive girl came up behind me and started rubbing herself on me from the other side! They had formed a man sandwich, with me as the meat. It was wild.

Doing the bump and grind with random women at a nightclub. Not the usual stuff you'd expect to hear from a shy person.

At this point, I can't label myself that way anymore. If you think like a confident person, act like a confident person, and do all the things that a confident person does.....what are you?
With this principle behind me, I went back out to a different nightclub less than 24 hours later.

When I got in line for the next club, a couple of ladies followed behind me. After a few minutes, one of them spoke to me - how was I doing tonight?

I'd already made the woeful mistake of not staying present. I'd just had an exchange involving a parking space, a conman, and a crack-head (that's American cities for you), and had been obsessively worrying about my car getting broken into. I brought my attention to the pair of ladies, but it really wasn't quite the same as having been present in the first place.

I made a little bit of conversation, asking about the club, and if they'd been to the other one, and stuff like that. Unfortunately, though, I was stiff - probably as a result of the distractions about my car. We were waiting in line together, so I should have kept the conversation going most of the time - or at least made an effort - instead of just making a comment or asking a question every now and then. The next time I'm in a situation like that, I have to stick to my strategies and make an all-out (yet relaxed!) effort.

I eventually convinced myself to let go of the worries about my car, and get back to staying present. I started moving my feet in a little dance as we neared the front of the line. I was loosening up, and it made a difference. The bouncer confiscated my gum, saying it was against the rules. He then took my wallet to search it, and without any conscious thought, I joked, "No wallets allowed either?" When he said have a good time, I told him to enjoy the gum.

It took me longer to get going in the club this time. The main dance floor wasn't open, and the smaller lobby didn't seem to have the same environment, with lots of people dancing with each other. I felt self-conscious at the thought of dancing in such a small area, without the massive crowd of people to blend into.

After an hour or so, I finally decided to put on my shades and get down to business.

When the main dance floor first opened up, it was sparsely populated, so I still had to deal with the self-consciousness. And soon after I got moving, I noticed a problem: I had managed to defy inhibition enough to dance, but not as loosely as I do in private.

It was as if I had lead in my shoes. The music was the same stuff I dance to at home, but I couldn't move as well! I felt a form of nervousness in my lower body that made it difficult for me to stay on beat. In the open floor, one girl came out to dance with me, and I accidentally bumped knees with her after a minute or so. It was pretty embarrassing, by normal standards, but I had the wherewithal to use it as practice in shrugging off mishaps - I quickly stopped thinking about it, and moved on.

At some point, I found the girl I had talked to while waiting in line. On the outside, I had told myself that I would find her and dance with her - just for the sport of it - and that's exactly what I was going to do. I saw her, dropped my thoughts, walked over and danced behind her. After it was clear that she was reciprocating and dancing with me, I gently put my right hand on her waist. It looked like we were going to have fun, but she soon turned around and said something to me. It was hard to hear, but it sounded something like "I'll dance with you, but don't hit on me!"

I wasn't sure if she was joking, or what she was thinking, but I took my hand away for a while. Then I put it back, and she seemed to move away. I couldn't tell what was going on - why would she think I was hitting on her, and why would she mind, anyway? - but I knew to just move on. Having spent some time with her earlier, it was a little harder this time: I felt odd, as if some incident had just happened with a friend.

It didn't matter, but I later realized one important thing. When someone says something like that to you....you have to play with them! You have to continue to interact. Just like in improv acting, everything that someone says or does in an interaction with you is an offer. I should have taken her "offer," in which she said something about me hitting on her, and used it to explore our interaction. I could have asked, "You think I'm hitting on you?" I could have joked, "Does this mean we're not getting married?" I could have said absolutely anything at all and it could have led to all sorts of things, while saying nothing and ending the interaction was a mistake. I have to work on the idea more, but I think it's going to be a very important concept in defeating inhibition. The nightclub is an absolutely perfect place to practice this skill. It's difficult to be self-conscious about anything in such a loud, crowded place, and it's easy to move on immediately and try it with hundreds or thousands of people you'll never see again.

Overall, I had a little more difficulty staying present and following my impulses this time. For example, there was a large group of hot Asian girls on the main dance floor. They were dancing with each other....all night! I wanted to merely try to dance with one of them, but I was downright intimidated. I kept thinking, trying to figure out the reason that they were dancing with each other instead of with guys, and wondering how they would react to me. I tried and tried again, but couldn't make myself interact with one of them. Since all I wanted to do was try, this was a pretty miserable failure.

The reason I've been writing about following impulses is that doing so prevents us from being hindered by logic and reasoning. Inhibition is the enemy, and logic and reasoning are two of its strongest weapons. I shouldn't have even hesitated when I had the impulse to dance with that group.

And finally, there was some glory. On the smaller dance floor, I was dancing and having a good time when a slim, attractive girl (okay....so I didn't actually see much of her face) came up and initiated the bump and grind with me. This time, I let go of everything. I made no attempt to hide my arousal (PG-13 - I'm trying), and we were both totally into it. I grabbed and held her around the waist and stomach with both hands, leaned onto her so closely that I could have kissed her, and, well, we freak danced. We stayed together through several songs, and I was amazed at how long it lasted. There weren't many other dancing couples in sight - let alone any as wild as us - so I felt extremely confident the whole time, knowing that I was doing what most other guys in the building were failing to do.

In retrospect, I know that the few problems I had that night were not too different from ones experienced by the average person. In a little over a year, I've come a long, long way from "Zero."

Building Courage: The Nightclub

Another weekend had arrived. It would be the second weekend in a row without a date, or any planned social activity. Between lingering negative feelings from the last failed date and simply having nothing to look forward to, I was feeling less than fantastic by Friday night.

Once again, nothing was going on with either of my dating sites, eHarmony or match.com. The situation was beginning to look frighteningly like the six-week lull that started last March, during which I managed to produce no dates and little else to further my goals. After my extraordinary breakthrough in overcoming inhibition, this was a terrible prospect. I knew that I needed to keep attacking the problem with all my might before it could regain any ground.

And so, I decided to do something on Saturday. Two of my friends were out of town, and the third one was recovering from surgery, so whatever I did, I would have to do it alone.

My first thought was to go out and talk to someone in public. I started thinking that after over a year on this mission, that's something I ought to be able to do. In fact, I should even be able to meet a young lady who I could later call for a date - the online dating stuff was originally envisioned as only a means to this end.

I planned to do it at the mall. I'd use a line from the great blog approachanxiety.com. "Hi. I was on my way to such and such, and just wanted to say Hi." She'd smile, and I'd say "I'm J." Something like that.

One problem: I've tried to do this many times before. Many, many times! I write a lot of stuff in the blog, but a lot of other, unmentioned stuff actually goes on as well. Since starting the mission, I've gone to the mall with the intention of trying this more times than I can count, and I've never managed to do it. The situation has rarely seemed right, and when it has been, quite frankly, I've chickened out.

But I decided that things were going to have to change. I've made so much progress against inhibition now that I should actually be able to do it.

That said, I realized that the mall is boring, and it may be a little more difficult to meet someone there, since people generally don't go to the mall to look for potential mates. What if I were to go to a nightclub instead? A year ago, that would have been unthinkable, but now I've reached the point that there's no holding back. I am admittedly obsessed with this mission of mine, and there is nothing that I won't do in my efforts to complete it.

Once I decided I was going, I was going. No if's, and's, or but's about it - there was no possibility of me talking myself out of it, because I wouldn't allow any thoughts along those lines.

As it turns out, the situation with the nightclub was perfectly analogous to my mall situation. In college, we had dance parties on campus with a similar environment (minus the alcohol), and I'd tried to go and interact just about every time. And every single time I tried, I failed. I was way too inhibited to even dance a little, let alone try to initiate a conversation with someone. But last night, I decided that things would have to be different.

As I waited in line outside the club, a short and very cute girl smiled at me. I was in the middle of thinking through something, so it caught me off-guard, and I responded with only a closed-mouth smile and looked away. Then she smiled again, and I returned a smile showing my teeth, causing her to smile some more. I knew that I should have spoken to her. It would have been easy! That was the sort of failed interaction I experienced all the other times I put myself into such situations. I realized the night was very young though, so instead of getting discouraged, I did a little strategizing.

Simple stuff, just like with the dating: Stay present, focusing on the outside world instead of your own thoughts. That opens up the door to being able to make observations, and allows you to feel impulses for what to do instead of having to think about it. Finally, just let go of any inhibitions and follow your impulses. (Interestingly, my acting instructor also stressed staying in the moment, making observations, following your impulses and letting go).

In my first two hours inside the club, it was starting to look like nothing had changed. I stood on the side of the Latin dance floor, feeling as if there were no possible way I could get involved. It looked like everyone dancing had a partner, and I had come out alone. Then I moved to the hip-hop dance floor, and that seemed even worse! I wasn't doing anything except walking and standing, and yet I was already feeling a little self-conscious.

There weren't many people dancing in the hip-hop room, so I felt extremely self-conscious at the thought of dancing alone in there. Then I walked upstairs to the roof, where the music was quiet, so it would be easy to to have a conversation. Easy to hear the other person, that is - not so easy for me to initiate a conversation! I couldn't seem to find someone who was alone, and talking to someone in a group didn't seem manageable. Two girls were standing next to me chatting casually, and I realized that they probably would have been happy to speak to me. Then I realized I had gotten away from my strategies - it had been a couple minutes before I even realized that I could have spoken to them. I'd been too busy thinking through things in my head instead of being present.

And so, there was one last dance floor remaining. This time, I went to the balcony of the room to observe and plan before making an appearance. It was a techno music room. Two or three hundred people on the dance floor under the strobe lights, often jumping up and down in excitement with the music.

I'd been in the club almost 2 hours, and had neither danced nor spoken to anyone. I thought about the prospect of leaving, with the night ending just like all of my other, pre-mission attempts.

I spent quite a bit of time on that balcony. I got to thinking - things can be different. There are hundreds of people down there, and people will hardly notice me if I go down and dance. I don't know about meeting anyone, but I can at least have fun! And I thought about the things that I'd done on the mission. I thought about the fact that I'd danced one day when I was out with my friend. How I'd been silly, and yelled "I love you!" at the band that was playing. And I thought about how I'd been completely uninhibited on my last date. The tide was turning, and it would not be reversed on this night.

I walked down to the dance floor, and started dancing - small movements, but dancing nonetheless. I had decided - F it. Yep - F it! No more holding back. I didn't have anything to lose.

As I made my way up the dance floor, I had an idea. I decided that, for the time being, I didn't want to stand out in any way, so I would imitate what other people were doing. When I noticed a group of people jumping up and down and throwing their hands in the air, I jumped up and down and threw my hands in the air. When I heard people yelling, I yelled. When I noticed a particular dance move that I liked, I simply started doing it. If I didn't want to stand out, I wouldn't, because I would intentionally act like everyone else. Goodbye and good riddance, self-consciousness.

Within minutes, a wondrous thing started to happen. I had stopped imitating, and was merely following my own impulses for what to do. I was doing my own dance moves. I was jumping in the air because I felt like it, not because anyone else was. I was raising my hands above my head and clapping to the beat, without seeing anyone else do it.

I looked to the side, and saw a guy nodding. I was starting to lead some of the dance floor excitement.

Inhibition was no longer an issue. I was having a ton of fun, but after a while, I decided that I wanted more. I was in the most social of places, and I wanted to interact directly with another person. I was also in the most sexual of places - where a few men and women make out, while many others eye each other shamelessly - so I particularly wanted to interact with a woman.

This was my second time at a nightclub. I recapped the first time, when I went with my one pre-mission friend, in my 3/22/2008 Lab Notes entry. In that post, I made this comment:

....I made a little goal of dancing with an attractive girl, but I didn't really manage to do it. I observed though, and learned that a guy can just slowly put his arms around a girl in that setting and she'll probably dance with him. It would be pretty amazing for me, "king of the shys" to do that, but it'll make for an interesting blog entry if I manage to pull it off the next time.

And so, I knew what I had to do. I put my dancing on auto-pilot, and started looking around the room. It was time to stay present and put that observation skill to work: I needed to find a girl who was alone. It seemed as if none of the ladies in the establishment were alone, so I at least needed to find a woman who wasn't with a guy.

My mind was set. I swore to myself that I was going to do this. I didn't care how the woman would respond - I knew it would be an extraordinary thing for me to even try. She could slap me, and that would be wonderful. What was the worst that could possibly happen? Everyone who entered the club had been frisked for weapons, so I was confident I wouldn't be shot.

I walked around the dance floor, thinking to myself - "Who wants to play with me?"

Eventually, I spotted someone. A young woman in a green dress, somewhere in the 18-25 range, like almost everyone at this club. I thought she probably had been drinking, because she was dancing especially vibrantly. I had initially been targeting a more average-looking woman, thinking that it would be easier, but this girl was not average. She'd been wearing a lot of makeup, but like me, her face was dripping with sweat from dancing and jumping up and down on a dance floor packed with hundreds of people. Something about her sweat-smeared makeup was downright sexy. I became anxious as I realized how attractive she was, but no mere feeling was going to stop me.

I casually danced my way to a spot near her. I then danced behind her for a minute or so. I had managed to stay present and observe my surroundings to find a woman dancing alone. The only task remaining was to let go and follow my impulses.

This was it.

I put my right hand on her waist. She kept dancing, and might have taken a glance backwards at me. I kept my hand on her waist as we both continued to dance, but I felt as if she wasn't reciprocating. She in no way resisted, but she also didn't move her body back into mine, so I was unsure what the reaction meant.

I took my hand away.

Then, the guy dancing vibrantly next to her got my attention. The bass in the music was so loud that I could at times feel my insides vibrating, so exchanging words was not his method of communication. He made some gestures - pointing at himself, and pointing at the girl whose waist I'd just hand my hand on. I understood immediately that she was with him.

Whoa! It was the worst case scenario.

And it wasn't bad at all.

I mouthed a word or so, and made some hand gestures to apologize. It was all very natural. He nodded, and without using any sound, conveyed the phrase "No problem!"

I went back to dancing alone, more vibrantly than before. A big smile overtook my face, as I couldn't contain my joy at having done what seemed impossible only hours before.

And then, it dawned on me: I was building courage. Couragousness is the opposite of fearfulness, and deep down, it's fear that causes us to be inhibited. Just like Steve Pavlina suggested in the podcast I asked everyone to listen to, couragousness is a mental muscle that gets stronger the more we exercise it. I had tried interacting with women like this countless times before, but I couldn't do it because I hadn't built up my couragousness muscle enough. Before all of the mental exercise I did during the last year of the mission, the muscle was simply too weak, causing me to be too inhibited.

By now, I was feeling great, and I wanted more. I found another young lady, this one probably mid-20's to early 30's. I had spotted her early dancing with female friends, but now she was dancing alone. I repeated my newly created routine - casually danced my way to a spot near her, danced behind her for a minute or so, and put my right hand around her waist.

She didn't seem to glance back to look at me, but I got the feeling she knew who I was. She kept dancing, and I moved with her. After less than a minute, I put my left hand on her waist as well, so I was kind of guiding her with two hands. It was very arousing, and I realized I'd never touched a woman like this before.

The song had been dying down into some sort of techno sound that you can't really dance to. When it came to a halt, I took both hands off of her. Without looking back, she walked forward a bit to another spot on the floor before the beats in the music got going again. I got the feeling she was just being shy, but I didn't care to analyze. Wow! I had done it again! I saw her off the floor about an hour later, and she smiled. I was probably the only guy to make the bold, assertive move of putting my hands around her that night - or maybe ever - but again, I didn't care to analyze.

By now, it was apparent that I wasn't some unnoticed person blending into the crowd. Instead, people were initiating little interactions with me. When I accidentally stepped on one guy's feet while jumping up and down, I mouthed an apology, and he gestured a "No problem!" and gave me a friendly pat on the shoulder. When I used a napkin to wipe sweat from my brow, a passerby made a joke about dealing with the sweat. Another guy said something to me I couldn't completely make out, and I nodded at him and winked. Yet another time, an attractive girl took my shoulder so I could lead her down the stairs, then smiled and thanked me. These were all nice people, and boy, did I like them.

It was tough to find women dancing alone, but I was still overjoyed that inhibition had become a non-factor. I decided to try things out one more time in the hip-hop room, which had a quite different demographic of people.

I was feeling pretty loose. I was becoming a confident, uninhibited guy again, and I was going to dance and do whatever I pleased. I realized that everyone else in the building was either A) doing the same thing, or B) more inhibited than me. Finally, the cool crowd of clubbers had been demystified: they had nothing on me. Any woman there would have been lucky for me to dance with her, or even get her telephone number so I could arrange a date. I was the man.

Earlier that night, I had noticed a pretty wallflower checking me out as I walked through the hip-hop room. I hadn't broken eye contact, but it was before my breakthrough, so I had been too inhibited to say anything to her. When I re-entered the room to find one last dance partner (it was almost closing time at 3:00AM), I saw her again.

With the inhibition gone, I was finally going to speak to someone.

I said "Are you dancing?" It was pretty loud, so she asked me to repeat the question. Then she said no, and I just moved on. I was so confident that I really wasn't interested in bothering with some inhibited woman who I'd have to implore to dance with me. I wanted someone fun like me.

Beautiful irony.

I found two girls dancing with each other, and started my routine. As I danced near them, though, another guy came up and tried to dance with one of the girls. She made a gesture to decline. Feeling loose, I told the guy "Nice try." He nodded.

I moved on to a group nearby. As I stood behind and put my hand on one girl's waist, her friend standing opposite of her smiled. Hey - an awesome guy (that would be yours truly) was interested in her, so it was her lucky night! After I'd put both hands around her and moved with her a little more vibrantly, though, she turned around and made a gesture to decline. I didn't bother analyzing why, because I didn't (and still don't) care.

I spotted one last girl, who was dancing alone. I started dancing with her, but this time, she was facing me. That was actually a nice change: I got to see her face light up with a smile. After about a minute, a guy came over and cut in before I'd gotten around to touching her. It looked like he was with her, but I knew it didn't matter. He wasn't intimidating in the slightest, and I started to feel more aware of the fact that I'm a 6'1, athletic, good-looking guy. Confidence was brewing.

All in all, it was one of the best nights of my life. I put all the skills I've been developing into action in order to overcome inhibition when doing so was almost unimaginable.

The events of the night helped me put together much of my experience and research on defeating shyness. One day soon, I'll be able to provide this in some coherent form for the millions of other shy people who need to launch their own missions.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep finding exercises to that will build my courage, lessening my inhibition. With the discovery of the club scene, I now have access to hundreds of people my age, and countless opportunities to interact. It's actually so much fun that I'm not anxious or down about a lull with the dating, or about what's-her-name that I went out with last time. With inhibition truly on the ropes, the possibilities are endless.

Now that is something to look forward to.

Triumph

Tuesday night was the last session of my acting class. It had been going pretty well. Before class started, the instructor complimented me on my performance the previous week. He said that he had seen another side of me, and that I had gotten active. I was encouraged, but was still unsure of how the rest of the night would go, because I hadn't spent much time preparing my final act, and because I was feeling a little anxious and down about the subject of the last post.

We played a warm-up game that tested our concentration skills. Basically, we all stood in a circle, with one person in the middle. The person in the middle points at someone and gives a cue, and 3 of the people in the circle have to respond to the cue in a certain way (something silly, like putting elephant ears on the person next to you). At first, I was terrible, and messed up every time. Then, I decided to put aside my mental distractions and stay present.

After focusing on staying present for a minute or two, I was great. I couldn't make a mistake! I was having a good time, laughing openly, and enjoying the game, and everyone tried to get me out, but I was flawless.

We did some other exercises throughout the night, but the big thing would be our 2-minute performances.

The assignment was to think up a back-story for a character in some heightened emotional situation. Each of us was to become our character for two minutes, using some imaginary objects in front of the class in such a way that our emotional state would be apparent, and so that the audience (our classmates and the teacher) could interpret the situation.

Throughout the rest of the six-week class, we had done most of the other exercises concurrently with our classmates - in other words, I never had to perform alone "on stage" in front of anyone. I was a little anxious about the prospect, but not as much as I would have been in my old, pre-mission days. It also helped to have gotten pretty comfortable with the small group of people over the last month and a half.

Only four of us had come prepared with the assignment. I fessed up to being ready, and was going to go through with it - I don't believe in avoiding these things anymore.

Still, though, I didn't volunteer to go first. I spent some of the time thinking about what I would do - preparing, more so than worrying - but it turned out I would be staying active until my performance anyway.

After each act, each other member of the class was to walk into the scene, and start interacting as an improvised character based on his or her interpretation of the act. The person who started the scene would then have to adapt to going along with the interpretation, no matter what it was. This is the basis of improv acting, and it's a heck of a lot of fun.

And so, this is where the night started to go well for me. First, my classmate acted out typing something on a computer, and doing office stuff like that. I came up with an interpretation of her looking for a file at work, and without thinking about it long, I walked into the scene.

I shouted in an angry voice.

If you don't find that file in five minutes, you're fired!!

She apologized. I was becoming an angry boss character, so I didn't react kindly.

I pointed, and shouted, You knew we needed it!

When I sat back down, one of my classmates complimented me. "You play a prick well."

Seeing what I was able to do by simply staying present and letting go, I felt encouraged. I played along a little longer in my other classmates' scenes, warming up for my own time on the stage - that would be the most interesting part of the night.

I didn't volunteer, so I was the last to go.

I took the stage in front of the instructor and my peers. My idea had been to be a man going into his home to pack things up. My character was a sad one - he had lost his wife, and so he was preparing to move to a new home. While packing his suitcase, he would periodically gaze over at a picture of his wife on the mantle. Walking between the closet and his suitcase, he would stop, pick up the photo frame, and feel loss. Deep sadness.

I acted out the scene I just described - only, all of the objects were imaginary. Were my feelings imaginary, too? I wasn't sure. I didn't think directly about any of my own, current heart-wrenching feelings of failed love, but I may have subconsciously tapped into them while I allowed myself to feel the feelings of my character.

I didn't pay much attention to the audience, but at one point, I caught a glimpse of my instructor's face. He looked deeply attentive and sorrowful. I knew instantly that like last week, my performance was affecting him, and so I had succeeded in giving an outward appearance that matched my character's mental state.

The real me was actually feeling a little anxious. As my character picked up the photograph of his lost wife, my hand started trembling as it held the imaginary object. Instead of letting it bother me, I stayed present and focused on my character. It was the last day of class, and there would be no holding back.

I channeled my nervousness into the scene. As my character, I allowed myself to mourn deeply as I looked at the photograph. My character's mental state made me look sad, and my sad expression made me, as my character, feel even sadder. I had created a cycle for the purpose of my performance.

Within moments, my character became overwhelmed with his sadness. I let out a deeply anguished cry as I looked at the picture. I then let out another cry, and fell to my knees, clutching the photograph. Finally, I fell all the way to the floor, clutching the photo as I closed my eyes and cried a few moments more to end the scene.

It was now the class's turn to interpret the scene and interact with me. First, my instructor - deeply moved himself - decided to play with me. He opened by asking me to take the imaginary object that made me so sad, and to pack it with my things. He talked about missing her, and it was obvious that he was my son. The two of us continued as deeply hurt characters.

"Take - Take it."
"I can't. It's too painful."
"Don't you miss her?"
"If I take it, I'll be reminded of her every time I see it. (Voice shaking, and almost in tears) Don't you feel the same pain?"

Stuff like that.

I went back to laying on the floor for the next improvised scene. The next player had a totally different interpretation. He was a police officer, and I was a drunk in public. He told me I had to get up and move.

It's amazing how inhibition disappears, and how clearly and easily you can think when you simply let go as we practiced for six weeks in this class.

Immediately, I understood his interpretation. My character acted like a bum, and jousted with him verbally.

"Get up and get out of here."
(In a sluggish voice) "Hey man, leave me alone."
"Get up, or I'm going to make you get up."
(Turning over to look at the officer) "You know what happened the last time somebody tried to make me get up?"
"What?"

I stood up, and got aggressive. He then pointed an imaginary gun at me, and I backed off.

"Hey, hey! I don't want any trouble....."

Stuff like that. The next classmate interpreted me as packing to go off to a war. She was an older lady, and she said something that made it obvious she was my mother. We had an intense, passionate argument. She was trying to forbid me from going off to fight in a war, and I was shouting about how I love my country more than I love myself, and how Granddad died for this country, and how someone has to go off and fight if we're going to be safe.

That scene was much longer. It's a shame you guys couldn't see me: it was amazing! Without needing any time to think, I was switching between totally different characters in one scene after another. I was totally uninhibited, and I was becoming some interesting characters - all on the fly.

All together, I acted out 9 short scenes, which kept me on the stage for about 20 minutes. I was so present and in the moment that even just afterwards, it wasn't easy to remember all that I had done, since I was switching into new characters without time to reflect on what I was doing.

In the last scene, I was packing my luggage when one of my classmates came on stage. She asked, "What are you doing, George? That's my dress!" As I learned in the class, I followed my impulse, and played along without any further thought. I changed the inflection of my voice - this character was going to be downright silly.

"Girl, what are you talking about? This is my dress!"
"Come on George, give me the dress."

She really wanted the (imaginary) dress. She tried to take it from me, and I jumped away from her. She started chasing me around, and I tripped backwards - intentionally.

"Girl, you made me trip over my luggage!"

I'd had the impulse to fall over the imaginary luggage in the room, knowing it would make the audience laugh.

Now that she had the dress, I changed course, and started talking about how I thought she was okay with me cross-dressing because she caught me that time after we first got together. She said she didn't want me dressing like that anymore. My newly-created character tried to justify it: "Even famous guys cross-dress! (eyebrows raised, making a gesture showing the height of someone tall) Dennis Rodman?"

I was a total clown! With the goofiest grin and tone of voice you can imagine, I begged with my hands together like a child. "Please!!! (In a slow, shy voice) Can I just wear the panties?" Finally, she said that would be okay. I gave her a great big hug, and said "I love you girl!"

My performance was over. From the moving sadness to the lighthearted humor, I had stolen the show that night. Everyone clapped - they were in awe of my performance! I heard the word "wow." One of my classmates tried to describe how I was "on it." In other words: I was totally in the zone. Totally uninhibited, totally present in the moment. It was a great way to end the night.

My first acting class was an amazing experience; exactly what I'd hoped for: a non-dating activity where I would get consistent social experience. And still, it was so much more than that! It taught me to let go of self-consciousness and be in the moment. It helped me further my quest to defeat inhibition, which is quickly starting to look like a thing of the past. It introduced me to a new hobby, where I literally play with other people, and will likely make many friends. And above all, it was a whole heck of a lot of fun.